‘Wow.’ Ned looked impressed. ‘She’s fast, isn’t she? She can even transport herself, and she carries off that dress in a way that few people could. Hamish really is a genius.’ Her grin broadened. ‘But he always saves his best work for his friends.’

  There was a rush of air as Hamish appeared with more of the Cacklers in a circle around him, and an incredibly familiar-looking robot by his side.

  The bronze, roller-skating robot wasn’t the only familiar thing – Hamish was wearing a hat he’d abandoned recently, the green one Cleo had given him for Christmas. Sure, the hat was covered in small embroidered cats which awoke each night and attempted to hypnotise Hamish into worshipping Cleo, but it was also made of an incredibly powerful fabric. Needs must and all that.

  ‘Meet Libra 3.0,’ said Hamish. Noticing Kieran’s surprised (and murderous) stare, he shrugged. ‘What? You thought you could force me to make a super mind-controlling robot for you but that I wouldn’t make one for myself, too? Oh – but this one’s not quite the same as the previous Libras or Elviras. It’s about a hundred times more powerful than anything I’ve ever made before.’

  Libra 3.0 rolled in front of Elvira. ‘You will undo all of your hypnosis immediately. No one will play the crappy songs of the Old Ones on their airways. No one will long for their return.’

  She really did get straight to the point, didn’t she?

  Elvira tossed her glossy hair and said, ‘Fine. Whatever.’ Like Libra, she seemed to be a woman of few words. She spun around, her eyes staring everywhere at once and said, ‘I release you, people of the Irish enclaves. No more radio and TV stations shall play the songs of Bartholomew Shannon and his followers. No more people shall revere the Old Ones and await their return. I release you, I release you, I release you …’

  Almost immediately, even the staunchest remaining followers were shaken from their stupor. As soon as that was done, Müd pulled a jar from his satchel – it was the Wreck-Tech my uncle had asked him to fetch. When I’d seen the destroyed computers in Peter’s office, I was sure he’d used Wreck-Tech to do it – I’d just hoped he had some more left for Elvira. I’d also hoped that my uncle would be the man I believed he could be and, for once, do the right thing.

  I grinned at both men and then watched, my heart brimming with joy, as Müd threw the Wreck-Tech over Elvira.

  Hamish nodded with satisfaction. ‘Good to see we’ve all come to our senses. Libra 3.0 has an incredibly large range of hypnosis. She’ll be sending out only the most urgent of mind-controls for the next few days, making sure all the damage that’s been done is undone. She’ll clean up any stragglers that weren’t reached tonight, and she’ll be able to reach those who’ve been under long-term effects of the hanging baskets, too – because they’ll have been the hardest hit by this demonic nonsense. And once she’s done her thing, she’ll self-destruct.’

  ‘You’re a genius.’ I hugged him.

  Cleo nodded. ‘The Fluffy Professor’s done good,’ she said.

  Hamish’s tail thumped against the ground. ‘Well, me and Eva and Felim and Harry. It was a joint effort.’

  There was a howl of agreement from the werewolves.

  I glanced at Kieran. Clarissa had finally covered him in her venom, but he had a defiant glint in his eyes.

  He crossed his arms and snorted. ‘You really ought to stop congratulating yourselves, you know. The war’s not won yet. Despite all of your cheating tonight, you still can’t get to the Old Ones.’

  ‘Cheating?’ Cullen stared at him in bafflement. ‘How have we cheated?’

  Kieran glowered. ‘Because it’s supposed to be the Three who fight the Old Ones. Only Katy’s somehow gone and rewritten the rules and gotten the world and my mother involved.’ He turned his glower in my direction. ‘That’s not exactly playing fair.’

  ‘Not playing fair?’ I looked incredulously at him. ‘For months you’ve been siphoning the magic of the Ice Crystal – something that’s meant to kill the Old Ones – in order to help you bring them back. You’ve abused every gift you’ve ever been blessed with, just to make the world a worse place. You’re the one who’s not playing fair.’

  ‘Spoken like a true sore loser,’ he scoffed. ‘But all your bellyaching won’t win this war, Katy. Because like you said, I have the Ice Crystal. And without it, you can’t get through my wards to the Old Ones, and you definitely can’t use it to kill them. And there isn’t a hypnotic robot in the world that will make me tell you where it is.’

  ‘Well I doubt that’s true,’ I argued. ‘But it doesn’t really matter.’ I smiled sweetly. ‘Does it, Cullen?’

  Cullen feigned surprise. ‘Huh? Oh yeah! Thanks for reminding me, Katy.’ He reached into the back pocket of his trousers and produced the Ice Crystal, tossing it my way. Just as in my dream, it fit perfectly into my palm.

  ‘But you … that’s … no. It is not the Ice Crystal,’ Kieran spluttered. ‘I would have seen you take it from my hiding spot. I would have seen it shining through the material of your pocket.’

  Cullen sniggered. ‘You think? My friends were able to create a bag that shrunk extremely magical objects and hid them from your scanners, and you don’t think they could design a suit with a pocket that could conceal the Ice Crystal? And also, I was a career criminal for a whole lotta years before I became the stunning chef, barman and Wayfarer I am today. So it wasn’t exactly hard to steal this from you. I should probably be grateful that you underestimated me entirely, but … I can’t help but be just a little bit disappointed that you didn’t see my true potential.’

  While Kieran did his best impression of a wide-mouthed frog, Ned took the crystal in her hands and whispered:

  ‘You’ve been used to help the bad

  That is neither your fate nor your trouble

  Undo now their magic foul

  Goodbye, protective bubble.’

  She nodded and passed it back to me. ‘It’s done. Their boundary spell is down.’

  It felt as though my entire body sagged in relief. We had done it. We had actually done it. We’d evened up some gargantuan odds with an even more gargantuan spider, a few werewolves, vamps, wizards, ghosts, and a lot of witches. Not to mention the sheer scale of the bluffing and the lies that we’d had to employ. I’d always been uncomfortable with lying, but after an experience like this one, I was beginning to come around to its charms. It’s all very well being noble and honest, but we would never have won this fight without a few porky pies.

  I guess I shouldn’t have patted myself on the back so soon though, because as I threw the Ice Crystal towards the Old Ones, it bounced right back at me. Huh. Maybe lying was bad luck, after all.

  A sarcastic slow clap came from the four demons. ‘Ah, I see why you’re all confused,’ said one of them. ‘You thought that once the barrier our followers erected was down, you’d be able to mete out your punishment, culling us once more from this world of yours.’

  ‘But you forgot that we are demons,’ said another (I’d love to point out some of his distinguishing features so as to set him apart, but he had none – all four were identical). ‘And as such, we have much stronger power than all of you combined.’

  The third one sniggered. ‘That’s what happens when you send a woman to do a man’s job.’

  The fourth demon pointed at me. ‘You just didn’t think this through, did you Katy Cakes?’

  I gritted my teeth. Now was not the time to wonder why Cullen’s annoying nickname was catching on so fast. All around me, my friends sent spells at the new barrier, trying to get me in to the Old Ones.

  Ned suddenly got a triumphant look on her face and said, ‘I have an idea.’ She mumbled a few words beneath her breath, and her army of ghosts stopped what they were doing (which was standing around chatting, mostly) and sprang back to life … well, to action, anyway. They rushed towards the barrier. My heartbeat quickened with hope as the Old Ones’ wards flickered before my eyes.

  ‘It’s working,’ I said. ‘You’re a genius, Ned.’

  ‘Tell me that again when we’re actually through, because it’s not working nearly fast enough for my liking,’ she muttered. ‘Gimme a second to gather more ghosts.’

  While Ned did her thing, Cleo sidled close.

  ‘I’m figuratively crossing my paws,’ said the cat as she rubbed up against my legs. ‘The Old Ones might have come from another dimension, but that’s not where they’ve been for the last few centuries. Ned’s mammy told me they’ve stayed in a sort of stasis by drawing on the power of the dead. So, in theory, the power of the dead – as in, Ned’s army of ghosts – should be able to beat whatever tricks they have up their sleeves.’

  Ned’s ghosts were certainly giving it their all – I was especially impressed by Jim McGinty’s enthusiasm (or moxie, as he’d say). But once again, my hopes were dashed, because suddenly the night grew darker and the air was filled with a sense of dread. A second horde of ghosts appeared, and these were nothing like the helpful dead I’d come to know over the course of the evening. This second army were fiercer and faster, assaulting Ned’s ghosts like their afterlives depended on it.

  The fight was messy and confusing to watch. Limbs were literally flying through the air, but as they weren’t physical, the most damage they did to the living was to create a chill in the air and a shiver down our spines.

  ‘Retreat!’ screamed Ned, as a hundred of her ghosts were barrelled to the ground by just a dozen of the demons’ eager horde. ‘Retreat!’

  Some of her ghosts obeyed, others kept on fighting, but even though the undead probably couldn’t die again, they sure were looking tired.

  ‘They won’t stop,’ Ned cried helplessly. ‘They’re getting hurt, and it’s my fault. We have to think of another way to get those demons gone, because they are really, really getting on my nerves right now.’

  We clustered around, trying to come up with another way through the barrier. ‘Could your fae friends help?’ I asked Felim. He was mostly transformed back into a man by now, although his teeth were rather sharper than usual.

  ‘I asked them before we came here tonight.’ His voice was heavy with worry. ‘The Old Ones are as old as the faeries, near enough. They’re darkness to the faeries’ light. They can’t kill each other, and they can’t break each other’s magic either. My friend Brian tried before, but he couldn’t. It’s an immutable law, according to the Queen.’ He wrinkled his nose up. ‘Lot of good she is, her and her flip-flops.’

  ‘Okay.’ I turned to the others. ‘Any more suggestions?’

  There were muttered half-thoughts and mumbled almost-ideas, but our frustration was soon interrupted by a loud shout of ‘Retreat!’

  I stared at Ned, but it wasn’t her who had shouted this time. All of us turned to the fighting ghosts. One or two of the demons’ horde were looking at Angelica, and we followed their gaze.

  ‘I said retreat, you bags of incorporeal bones!’ It was definitely Angelica, screaming at the second band of ghosts at the top of her lungs. She was still covered in Clarissa’s venom (I had a sniff – it was sugar syrup all right). Nevertheless, she managed to look magnificent, standing tall even with her hands in bonds.

  The ghosts seemed baffled and afraid, looking anxiously from Angelica to the Old Ones.

  ‘Need I remind you,’ Angelica told the ghosts in an icy tone, ‘who it is who works between worlds. It’s me who allows you to come to and fro. It’s me who has the ability to banish you to the worst parts of the afterlife – and don’t think I won’t be able to do that from prison.’

  The Old Ones sniggered. ‘Will you just kill her already?’ ordered one of them. ‘She’s become a bit of a bore.’

  An enormous member of their ghostly army rushed towards Angelica. Before any of us could intervene, her eyes turned to slits and she said, ‘I’ll be especially good at doling out eternal damnation if I wind up in the afterlife myself. So killing me would be kind of stupid, wouldn’t it?’

  If you’ve never seen a terrifying ghost submit to a woman who looks like a soccer mammy, I’m here to tell you it’s a truly wondrous event. One by one, they all took a knee before her, waiting for her next command. And that order was one I could have kissed her for.

  ‘Assault the perimeter!’ Angelica cried in the most regal of manners. ‘All of you. Now.’

  Immediately, the ghosts began to work as one, rushing towards the Old Ones’ boundary spell. It cracked and fizzled, and there was a cry of triumph as the ghosts broke through.

  The Old Ones didn’t quite cower, but they did twiddle with their cufflinks in an uncomfortable manner. ‘You work for us, Angelica!’ said one of them.

  ‘Yeah,’ agreed Ned, her eyes baffled. ‘Why the sudden turnaround?’

  Angelica shrugged. ‘Maybe I got sick of doing all the men’s work for them. Or maybe the weird robot lady has hypnotised me into doing the right thing. Who knows? Best not to question me too much, in case I change my mind. Anyway …’ She focused on the Old Ones once more. ‘You shouldn’t have left me in charge of the ghosts if you didn’t want them to obey me. So let’s see … what do you have working for you now? No Ice Crystal to draw upon. No dead to draw upon. And you’re fairly new to the world, this time around. Yip, I’d say you’re well and truly screwed.’ She gave me a tight little smile. ‘They’re all yours, Katy Cakes.’

  I glanced at my aunt, and she nodded. ‘The crystal is yours now. Go do your job.’

  I pulled back my shoulders and marched towards the arch.

  ‘Oh no you don’t!’ one of the demons protested. ‘You can’t. For one thing, you do not have the Sword of Flame.’

  Kieran reached into his jacket. ‘Exactly. I have that. Come and fight me for it, Katy Cakes.’

  I shrugged, reaching into my own pocket. ‘You think that’s a Sword of Flame?’ I asked as a melodic hum filled the air, and flames shot out from the hilt of my sword. ‘This is a Sword of Flame.’

  Kieran gaped at me, shaking his bladeless hilt, and opened his mouth to retort.

  As interesting as his comeback was sure to be, I decided not to wait. Instead, I slashed the Ice Crystal to the ground before the demons. As it shattered into countless pieces, those shards flew at the Old Ones, piercing them and turning them to ice.

  The crystal instantly reformed, jumping right into one of the pockets of my jumpsuit – clever little thing, wasn’t it? – and I was almost sure that it let out a cute but victorious little laugh as it settled there.

  Then, with my blazing sword, I slashed through the Old Ones’ frozen bodies, and watched them crumble to the ground. There were some gross moments where the ice melted away and I could see their earthly flesh burning, and hear as their cries of pain, torment and rage filled the air …

  But let’s not go there. Let’s just skip to the part where, once more, they were nothing but a pile of old bones.

  30. The Nicest Place in the World

  I was almost as disappointed by the victory dinner as I had been by the pre-battle bickering. Sure, the Cacklers cooked good food, and the wine was flowing, but there was ever such a lot of business to discuss.

  A few key Wayfarers had been invited, and would be let in on the events only as long as it took to clean things up and make sure the right people got to prison – even if the official records couldn’t list the truths of the crimes.

  Right now, my uncle was chatting with Martha, Müd and Jude. Every few seconds a look of awe would come over his face and he’d gaze around the room. Once or twice he even asked me to pinch him, which was sweet. But he also commented in great detail about how attractive the Cacklers were without their cloaks and disguises, which wasn’t quite so sweet.

  He became sweet once again when he officially met Harry and Eva, even going as far as to let out a tear or two – and not just because he was terrified they’d wolf out and bite him where it hurt. He seemed to have genuinely changed in a short time. It was surprising, and I’d definitely be keeping my eye on him, but for now I was just going to enjoy things as they were. I mean, he’d had a chance to help bring about a world where warlocks were in charge. He could be living his messed-up misogynist dream right now, but he’d chosen to be decent instead. I couldn’t have predicted it, but I sure was happy about his turnaround.

  Jay was one of the less happy dinner guests, piping up between every course to insist that he ought to be arrested for what he did to Hal. But seeing as even Hal’s ghost was against the idea of punishing someone who’d acted under Elvira’s compulsion, he was just going to have to live with his misplaced guilt for a while. Given how Ned looked at him throughout the meal, I had a feeling she might like to help him work through his feelings.

  Ned wasn’t the only one with the look of like in her eyes that night. Martha seemed very impressed with my uncle’s heroism, and Hamish appeared to have thrown aside his crush on Diane and replaced it with one on Eva instead. I wished Bartholomew and Angelica had been telling him the truth when they said the Ice Crystal could undo his doggish state, but according to the Cacklers and my aunt, it had been just another in their long list of lies.

  There was a cheese board doing the rounds when I noticed Cullen arguing with Finn Plimpton, and since I was more of a sweet than savoury sort of gal, I went over to see what was going on. They were by the Cacklers’ pool table, but they seemed more interested in arguing than in playing pool.

  ‘Tell him he can’t do it, Katy,’ Finn said. ‘We need him there, on the ground.’

  I held up my hands in a helpless gesture. ‘I have no idea what you’re talking about.’

  Finn sighed. ‘Cullen wants to stop working undercover at the Warlock Society. In fact, he wants to scale back his duties and work with the Wayfarers in emergency situations only.’ Finn grasped Cullen by the shoulder. ‘If what happened last night has proved anything, it’s that we need you. Without you infiltrating the warlocks, you guys never would have won the battle last night. I mean, you and Katy tried to tell me about this problem ages ago, but even before they stuck that fountain in our headquarters I think I was already hypnotised by all the bloody flowers and singsongs in this enclave. Didn’t want to believe it, but I was. So … we need you, Cullen. You and Katy are an amazing team. Tell him, Katy.’