Love Me At My Worst

  ADRIAN J. SMITH

  EREKA PRESS

  Copyright © 2023 by Adrian J. Smith

  All rights reserved.

  No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

  Cover Design by Cath Grace Designs

  Chapter One

  The handle on the door jostled, and Isla’s heart thrummed along steadily as she crouched down. The kids’ eyes were glued to her, the weight of what was about to happen resting on her shoulders. The handle twisted down. The heavy door cracked open.

  Isla pushed up with her toes, her thigh muscles tightening as she demanded them to move. She jumped forward, shouting, “Boo!”

  Andry’s hands flew into the air, her jaw dropping as the scream reverberated through the classroom. Her dark brown eyes were wild with sudden fear, her face contorting as the suddenness rocked through her. Her entire body leaned back as she tried to catch herself. Isla reached forward and wrapped her arm around Andry’s waist to tug her back so she didn’t fall.

  Laughter erupted behind Isla as she backed away from the door, a grin overcoming her face and her body, relaxing the muscles she had spent days ignoring. Andry crossed her legs, pushing down on her thighs as she leaned over to catch her breath and steady herself, her fingers still wrapped around Isla’s wrist to steady herself. But when Andry looked up, she wasn’t mad—she was elated.

  Isla put her hands to her mouth, trying to contain her own laughter. Her heart still raced with the thrill of success, joy bubbling in the top of her head through the excitement. She wanted to keep it there, wanted to dig her fingers into the happiness she found and keep it right in front of her so she could see it, experience it, live into it. It had been the simplest prank, but it had been so worth it. She’d asked Shannon in the office to give her a heads-up as soon as Andry was coming to the classroom. And the plan had delivered.

  The kids roared with laughter as Andry’s eyes gleamed through the joke, her hands clapping together slowly before she locked her eyes on Isla properly. Isla’s heart stuttered at that look, but she couldn’t linger on it too long. Andry reached up and wiped her cheeks as if tears were falling down her face, her lips curled into a smile still as she let out a laugh herself. Isla snorted when Andry leaned in to wrap an arm around her shoulder, tugging Isla into her side as the sudden shock calmed down.

  “You got me good that time!” Andry pointed at the kids. “Were you all in on it, too?”

  “No!” They shouted, shaking their heads, child-like giggles still filling the classroom. Isla loved to hear that sound, and this had been the perfect way to fill the room with as much joy and lightness as possible.

  Isla was still laughing, real tears forming in her eyes as she tried to catch her breath. It would have been so much better if she’d had time to capture video of it so she could share it throughout the rest of the school, so she could rewatch it with them and let that same joy and happiness fill her multiple times. The other teachers and staff all loved her antics, for the most part, but especially when they involved Andry. The kids enjoyed it, too.

  “You’re crazy,” Andry said, turning to Isla again, not letting go of her shoulders as they stood next to each other. Isla was so warm and filled with the connection she felt standing next to Andry in front of her sixth-grade classroom.

  “She got you so good!” Graham shouted from across the room.

  Andry nodded and gave Isla a tight squeeze with her hand, but didn’t let go again, her fingers wrapped around Isla’s upper arm as she continued the side hug. “She did. Ms. Walsh has a particular talent for scaring me, doesn’t she?”

  They all agreed just as Isla’s timer went off at her desk, the beep beep beep almost hidden by the voices in the classroom. Isla turned her focus on the students and straightened her shoulders as she walked over to her desk, recognizing the need for a shift in focus even if she’d rather linger in the burst of joy she’d created. The pull to switch back into teaching mode and teach the kids how to make that transition as well took hold of her, and she knew she had to follow it. It was the start of the school year, but they would have it down pat by the end.

  “Time’s up for the test, but you all knew that already. Hand in your tests, and line up so you can go to recess.”

  The movement in the room was suddenly less about the scare prank and far more about the excitement of getting outside in the sunshine and running off some of that energy kids were notorious for. It couldn’t have been more perfect timing. The kids grabbed their jackets from the hooks along the wall and lined up. Andry stepped to the side and next to Isla as the kids did their thing.

  The energy in Isla’s chest and hands still vibrated after such a successful prank. As soon as the line leader for the day was in place, Isla ushered the kids out the door. Andry walked with her, still shaking her head.

  “That really was a good one.” There was a lightness to Andry’s tone that Isla was envious of—she wanted that ease of being in the world.

  “Just wish I’d gotten video.” Isla kept her eyes on her kids as much as possible, unable to really look at Andry and recognize everything she was missing out on.

  “There’s always next time.” Andry winked at her as they got to the doors to the playground. The kids waited until Isla moved to the front of the line and opened it for them to run out. The para-educators were already outside and waiting for the students to join them.

  Isla crossed her arms over her chest as the last kid raced through the door. She leaned against the wall and watched them from the window. Andry gave her an odd look, but Isla shook her head before pushing off and starting back toward her classroom. No way did she want to discuss what was going on internally. That was a mess that couldn’t be untangled in the thirty seconds they had.

  Andry followed, her steps quick to keep up. “Did you call me all the way down there just to scare me?”

  “Maybe?” Isla tossed a smile over her shoulder as Andry raised an eyebrow at her, falling back into the joy she’d created.

  “You’re insane.”

  “Some days.” Isla pressed her lips together firmly as they stepped into the classroom. She collected the papers and stacked them together to put on her desk for later, distracting herself now that she didn’t have the excitement of a prank to live into. She would be up late grading those later that week since she’d rather spend the time she was in the building with other people instead of alone, even if it wasn’t with the vibrancy of a prank just pulled.

  Andry watched the kids play outside through the window, distracted. The knock on the door was sharp, and Glo, the other sixth grade teacher, came into the room. Isla smiled at her as she eyed the two of them.

  “Did you scare her again?”

  “I did.” Isla chuckled a little, so proud of herself for that one moment that had managed to relieve all the stress that had been building up the past month—if only it would last longer than a few seconds. The school had become her sanctuary and so had these people in a way that she had never expected.

  “She hid behind the door and jumped out at me,” Andry added. “Kids thought it was hilarious.”

  Glo laughed. “I bet they did. We could hear you scream all the way in my classroom.”

  “Of course you could.” Andry’s cheeks tinged pink, and she folded her arms together, slightly embarrassed.

  Isla watched her carefully, making sure that she hadn’t crossed the line. She was always wary of that since Andry wasn’t only someone she would call a friend, she was also the principal, and that was a thin line they had to walk every day.

  “I’ll get you back though, just you wait.” Andry pointed at her and winked again, the easy grin not leaving her face.

  “I know you will.” A smile lit up Isla’s lips, but she wasn’t quite feeling it like she had been. The overwhelming sadness she had become all too familiar with in the last few months settled into her chest. She hated it, despised that she hadn’t been able to work through it and go back to being her happy self. That had been the entire point of the prank—to give her something else to focus on and maybe remind herself that joy was achievable.

  Glo and Andry talked briefly before Andry caught her eye. “Recess is almost up, Isla.”

  “Right.” Isla straightened her shoulders and made sure that her façade was in place. She had successfully managed to make it through the start of the school year without anyone finding out what was going on, and she planned on keeping it that way for as long as she could.

  In the sea of people Isla was surrounded with daily she couldn’t be more alone. As the school day finished, she sent her kids off for the weekend and strained to avoid the silence settling into her heart. Her life had been far too quiet lately. For weekend after weekend, all she would do was crawl into her bed and not come out until halfway the next morning, sliding through her days off work by merely existing.

  Then again, no matter how hard she tried to be present in the moment, she failed miserably to keep herself there longer than a few minutes at most. She stayed in her classroom as the last few voices echoed through the hallway, packing up her things to head home for the weekend.

  Maintaining the facade took everything in her. Isla halted her movements, glancing out the window as kids ran to their parents. Andry walked the playground as she usually did, her light brow
n hair down around her shoulders and her voice loud as she talked with kids and parents alike. Isla envied that confidence, the ability to have everything in her life be calm.

  It hadn’t been calm since late summer, since Wil had—Isla tensed, her shoulders so tight that it hurt—since her forever friend had started dating her stepmom. Isla clenched her jaw hard, not just her stepmom, but the woman who had raised her and abandoned her. Wil wouldn’t do that—at least, Isla kept telling herself she wouldn’t. But facts were facts, and she hadn’t seen Wil in months and the phone calls and the texts were few and far between and there was a damn wall right between them.

  Andry laughed loudly at something, and Isla blinked, coming back to herself. She had to get out of there. She grabbed her bag and made her way to the staff parking lot, tossing her bag into the passenger seat. When she shut the door, Andry stood next to the car, that big perfect grin on her lips, one side pulling higher than the other, her dark brown eyes filled with that lightness Isla longed for, and her hair moving in the wind.

  Isla’s heart stuttered, and she pulled herself together as quickly as possible, curling her lips upward and shifting her stance so she could pretend just a little longer. Andry shoved her hands into the pockets of her tan slacks as she stood casually, no weight on her shoulders. “That prank was exactly the laugh I needed today. Thank you.”

  “Oh.” Isla blinked in surprise, but she warmed at the thought. She’d been selfish in why she’d pulled it, but to find that Andry got as much out of it was a balm to her aching heart. “You’re welcome.”

  For the eight years they had worked together, they had been work friends—friends while in the building and doing school-ish things, but never outside the building. Isla inwardly frowned at that thought. In the eight years she’d been there, she hadn’t made any friends. She’d relied on Wil for everything she needed, and now, she didn’t have that.

  “You’ll have to tell me someday how you managed to convince Shannon to help you with that one.” Andry’s hand was on her arm again. Isla flicked her gaze down to the touch, her heart thumping hard at just how easy it was for Andry to do that.

  “That’s a secret I’ll never tell.” Isla raised her gaze up, meeting Andry’s in the tight space But she would tell. She and Shannon were work friends, perfectly capable of laughing and getting along while in the walls of the school, but as soon as the bell rang, they went on with their own lives like they didn’t know each other.

  Isla shifted at that uncomfortable thought, shoving her hands into the pockets of her jeans and rocking up on the balls of her feet. She shook off Andry’s touch, as much as it pained her. She wasn’t looking to change their relationship. What she wanted was to have Wil back in her life, right by her side, like nothing had changed, like she hadn’t been asked to sacrifice their friendship for love she would never be invited into.

  “Do you have plans for the weekend?” Andry asked.

  When Isla looked back up to meet her gaze, her world shifted again, becoming solely about the two of them. “Nothing out of the usual.”

  It was the best non-answer she could give. Had Andry asked last school year, she would have expected Wil to come up for a visit or her to go to Denver, but some kind of antics would be had, alcohol would be involved, and she would come home with laughter still bright in her memory. But now that Wil was dating Lynda, she didn’t want Wil to visit or to talk to her. While she missed her forever friend, she wasn’t prepared for the hurricane of emotions that would sweep her off her feet if they did talk, or heaven forbid, get together.

  “Katie’s working on applying for colleges this weekend.” Andry frowned, pulling Isla from the impending chaos she’d found herself leaning toward. “I’m not looking forward to that experience.”

  “Well, she’s your only kid, so I’d imagine not.” Isla grasped onto the topic, digging in to talk about anything but herself.

  “Yeah.” Andry looked far off, not elaborating, and Isla suspected there was another reason entirely that brought up mixed emotions, but she didn’t want to pry either. She wasn’t sure she had the bandwidth to deal with someone else’s problems right then. “Having her out of my house next year is going to be quite an adjustment.”

  “It will be.” Isla hadn’t ever experienced that. She was the oldest, so she’d been the first to leave, but she understood the feeling of an empty house, the unending quiet like a black void. That awkward moment when she swore the other person was still there, but they weren’t.

  “I think Glo is organizing one of her get-togethers again. You going to go?”

  Isla shook her head. She’d gone to one or two of those when she’d first started there, but it was definitely for more experienced teachers who had been jaded by the systems in place. Isla didn’t want to add that to her problems, so she delicately bowed out any other time she had been invited.

  “Yeah, I’m not going to go either. Too much complaining.”

  “You know, we could always have our own get together and change up the personality of the group so that it’s more positive.” It was an idea she hadn’t had before, but it would get her out with people and perhaps make friends, which was something she had neglected in the last eight years. Now she didn’t have a choice but to navigate that.

  “That’s not a bad idea.” Andry raised her eyebrows as she thought, her dark eyes seeing something that Isla wasn’t privy to. She nodded her head after a few seconds. “I’ll see if I can work it out.”

  “I think it’d be good.” Isla folded her hands together. They were standing awfully close, and she’d lowered her voice so that no one else could hear. It was a habit she had picked up when she started teaching since children heard everything.

  “Yeah? I’ll figure it out then.” Andry reached out and touched Isla’s wrist. “Have a good weekend. I’ll see you Monday.”

  “Yeah. See you then.”

  Andry walked away with a small wave. Isla waited until she got back to the gate on the playground to get into her car. She buckled her belt and slowly backed out of her space. Isla took the quick drive home, passing by cars and businesses. She almost didn’t see anything as she went, so caught up in her own depressing thoughts.

  When she got to her apartment, she dropped her keys on the kitchen counter and her bag on the side of the couch. Isla collapsed onto the other couch cushion and closed her eyes, pinching the bridge of her nose. The noise from the school faded in her ears and her memory, and she knew she was going to be cast into the silence of another long weekend with no one to see and nothing to do.

  To be fair, she had planned it that way, but that didn’t make it any easier as the hours ticked by. She stared at the television even though the screen was dark. She took deep breaths and fell into herself. No matter how hard she tried to sleep lately, she couldn’t manage more than a few hours. She would just lie in bed, and when her alarm went off in the morning, it was like she hadn’t even managed to rest.

  When she checked the time on her watch, it was already after nine. Dragging herself to her feet, Isla went to the bathroom and took a long shower, sitting in the bottom of the tub as the water sluiced over her body until it ran cold. When that was done, she dried off, got into pajamas, and lay in bed in absolute silence until she must have fallen asleep.

  Chapter Two

  “How did this week go?” Larisa asked, her typical opening question for therapy day.

  “Fine,” Isla responded habitually. She knew she wouldn’t get away with that kind of answer, but it would at least delay the inquiry a bit longer—though not by much.

  Larisa didn’t even say anything this time, she just pinned Isla with a serious look.

  Isla wrinkled her nose and stared down at her hands in her lap. It was always harder than she anticipated to dig deep inside herself and share. Choosing the easy out, Isla met Larisa’s gaze. “It’s been about the same. I played a prank on my principal this week. That went well.”

  “Oh? What kind of prank?” Larisa seemed only halfway intrigued, as if she’d already figured out that this information was a distraction.