“They’ve entered from the northern Wastelands, but they haven’t reached the city yet. We need to keep them there. If they surround us or get into the city, we have no chance of stopping them,” Jacob yelled, his long, braided hair swaying behind him as he ran.

  A loud bell chimed in the distance. A warning every citizen of Eres knew, though it wasn’t for their usual reason today. Sandstorms had a tendency to kick up at any time in the desert city, and the bells were meant to be a warning to seek shelter.

  “Em’s taken the kids east. She’ll secure the northeast border,” Caspian said. I hadn’t spared a moment of regret when I ordered Em to grab every Marked Kid capable of fighting and take them east before we separated outside the Palace. This wasn’t the time to worry about what I was putting them through. We’d all be dead if we couldn’t stop the Reeks.

  The streets grew quieter the farther north we ran. The bells continued to chime their warning, and the city was already nearly vacant. Only the ringing and the crunch of our feet over the hot sand-covered streets filled the emptiness.

  “Do we know how many Reeks?” I asked, sparing a quick glance at Caspian who was watching me, his teal-blue eyes assessing as he’d been doing a lot lately, but I schooled my emotions and set my gaze back to where we ran.

  “Does it matter?” Jacob said.

  I wanted to say it didn’t, we would fight tens or hundreds to save these people, but suddenly doubt filled my mind. We’re running to our deaths, and I’m leading the charge.

  When we rounded the final corner, I stumbled to a stop. I’d seen the Reeks—faced them more than once. They haunted my dreams day and night. But the sight of so many nearly brought me to my knees.

  Caspian gripped my arm, as if he sensed I would crumble at any moment.

  “One at a time,” Caspian whispered in my ear. “Don’t focus on them all, just one. Take one down, then the next, then the next. I’m right beside you.”

  I nodded, my vision narrowing on one single Reek breaking through the line of Sweepers pushing the horde back. It staggered unsteadily, but fast towards me. A shadow against the white sand it ran across.

  I pulled my gun out, aiming for its head and… I hesitated.

  I blinked and suddenly there wasn’t just one Reek, but hundreds. And the men trying to hold them back were failing and bodies were being ripped apart. It wasn’t real, I knew it wasn’t real, but I couldn’t blink the image away.

  I staggered back, running into a hard body behind me. My pulse raced, taking my breath with it. I turned to run, but Caspian held me there, his gun blasting like an explosion next to my ear as he took down the Reek inches from us.

  I buried my face into his chest.

  “Jayla, you need to move,” his voice was gentle, but there was an urgency to it.

  I closed my eyes. I can’t do this. I can’t be here. A ringing began to grow in my ears, and I could feel the beat of my heart ready to explode out of my chest. It’s just a dream; it isn’t real. Only it wasn’t a dream. This wasn’t another nightmare I relived every night. It was real.

  “Jayla!” Caspian shook me, and every sound around me erupted, hitting my senses like the grenade blasting through a group of Reeks. Screams. Flesh being torn. Bullets piercing skin. I flinched and my eyes darted around us before Caspian gripped my chin and turned me to face him. “This isn’t about you or me. This is for every damn person in this place. You have a job to do. You made a vow. Now focus and move.”

  It was like a slap to the face and it stung. Normally, it would work. Normally, I would snap out of it, but everything was muffled, and I couldn’t breathe. My chest tightened, and all I could think was run. Run! I tried to force myself to move, to fight, but I couldn’t. Fear had entirely taken over, and I was no longer myself, no longer a Watcher… I was terrified.

  Caspian shoved me behind him and took out the two Reeks sprinting towards us. The gunfire was both blaringly loud and muted as the ringing in my ears intensified. My gun slipped from my hand, and I covered my ears, trying to block out the screams and the sound of bullets ripping through flesh.

  Caspian gripped my arm, pulling my hands from my ears, and I could see his mouth moving, but I couldn’t hear anything. I was aware of the people around me, and some part of me was screaming at myself to just snap out of it, but I couldn’t. I blinked and all I could see was Caspian being taken over by them. The Reeks converging on his body and ripping him apart and he was screaming, but I couldn’t stop them. Not real, it’s not real.

  I closed my eyes and felt Caspian pull me away. My feet stumbled over the soft sand, but I let him move me until I felt a stone wall at my back and his body in front of mine. My hands gripped the back of his shirt, and I felt his muscles tense as he loosed more bullets. I had never felt so ashamed, so useless, but I couldn’t move.

  And then, just as quickly as it all began, it stopped. Silence. The smell of death was heavy in the air. Black burnt stench lingered with the copper tang of human blood.

  Caspian tilted my chin up and was speaking softly. “It’s over. You’re safe.”

  I opened my eyes. The image was blurred with tears, and my hands trembled as he held them. The screams had stopped. The Sweepers had managed to keep the Reeks to the north; they hadn’t even gotten past the city limits.

  Caspian had pulled me far enough out of view I couldn’t see everyone, which hopefully meant they couldn’t see me either.

  “Shit,” I mumbled, my grip on reality returning like a flood. “Who saw? Did they—” I had frozen. I had let fear take over, and I could have gotten Caspian killed because of it. Shit, what the hell just happened? It was like I was in another body, like I was another person, and I was so ashamed that I’d let it take over. How could I have let that happen? What if they saw? What if people saw me?

  “No one. It’s fine.”

  I shook out my hands, taking a few steps away and letting out a long breath. Everything came rushing back. I was meant to be their leader and I failed. If anyone saw what I had done… how I had reacted. What is wrong with me?

  “Jayla, it’s okay.” Caspian touched my shoulder and I flinched away.

  That sick feeling in my stomach roiled again, and I turned just in time to spill the contents of my stomach all over the white sand. Caspian rubbed a hand against my back, but I shoved him away and stalked back towards the crowd of people, wiping my mouth with the sleeve of my jacket. Cas followed.

  Em and the Marked kids had circled from the east, and I was glad to see very few of them had to spill blood; we’d done it all for them. Well, not me… I’d frozen.

  A few Sweepers had been injured, or worse, killed. And I’d just stood there. I’d done nothing to help. What is wrong with me? What if there had been more? What if one of the dead was Em or Cas? I felt sick again, felt sweat beading at my temple. I’d failed.

  A group of men were scouting farther north to make sure the horde we had killed were the only Reeks nearby. Others were carrying the injured and dead. It all happened so fast, so quickly.

  The bells continued to chime in the distance.

  I forced my feet to keep moving, and I kept a scowl on my face. In the sand was my gun, which I quickly picked up as I passed. In the chaos, no one noticed me—no one said a thing. A few feet away Jacob was talking to some of his men, sending orders for healers and anyone able to carry the injured back to the Palace. Sweepers who had been injured while I froze. Guilt fell to the pit of my stomach.

  “I want ten more scouts to the east, nothing gets past us again,” Jacob ordered. He had blood dripping down the side of his head, and I winced at the sight of the gash. He caught my gaze. “It’s fine. There are others worse than me.”

  Somehow, I found my voice, found the leader inside of me that had just moments ago ran and hid. “We’ll send a shuttle north and check the Wastelands from here to Cytos.”

  “I doubt there’ll be many close by, but this attack will attract more,” Caspian said, his hand lingering at his side. Regret clenched my stomach as I watched his hands flex before he shoved them in his pockets.

  “I’m going to check on the others,” I said, walking towards where Em, Theo, and Sienna stood with a group of Marked kids. Caspian trailed behind me but kept his distance.

  “Numbers?” I asked.

  “Only two,” Em said. Two kids killed during the attack. They had fared better than the Sweepers, yet each death stung—because I might have been the one to save them, I might have been the one to stop them, but I hadn’t. I shook away the thought, feeling the ringing in my ears return.

  “Take Logan and head north. We need eyes on anything coming our way,” I said.

  “What about other genetic kids and what Simon said?” Em asked.

  Though it was only moments ago, the conversation with Simon about where the genetic kids were being taken seemed so long ago. I didn’t know if I could risk sending anyone out there, not after what just happened here. But I wasn’t stupid enough to not realize we had to find out where they were taking the kids.

  I sighed. “Scout out the Canvas Mountain Range as best you can. Keep your distance. I want you back in forty-eight hours. Understood?”

  Em nodded. Then her gaze turned to Caspian. “You better talk to her about this or I will.”

  “I know,” Caspian said, avoiding my stare.

  “Don’t talk around me like I’m not here,” I seethed.

  “Would you rather I tell everyone what I saw?” Em whispered. Even on the other side of the fight she’d kept an eye on me.

  I swallowed. Em’s words didn’t hold any malice or anger, just concern. Still, guilt tore through me. What the hell is wrong with me? Fear like I’d never felt before had taken over.

  “I’m fine. It won’t happen again,” I said, keeping my hard gaze on Em as I spoke.

  “Better not.” Em narrowed her eyes before she turned and walked away.

  Caspian lingered at my side, looking as though he wanted to say something, but Sienna made her way over before he could, a bow hanging from her hands.

  “These kids need proper training, Jayla,” Sienna said, leaning on Theo. I couldn’t take any more of this. I tried to move away, but she gripped my arm.

  I stopped, pushing out an impatient huff.

  “They’re too young, and they’ve never experienced anything like this,” she said.

  I glanced behind her to the group of kids, some as young as twelve, huddled together with wide eyes at the sight of the Reeks and bodies torn apart. They could have died. All of them could have died today and I did nothing. My heart began to pound again, and it took everything in me to swallow back the feeling of wanting to run away.

  “Didn’t you all get trained in the DEZ?” I asked, a little harsher than intended.

  “Not like this,” Sienna pushed. “And many of these kids weren’t set to graduate for a few years. They’ll die if faced with the Reeks again. This isn’t like what we learned in the DEZ at all.”

  “Fine, you can be in charge of their training.”

  “Me?”

  “Yes, you. I don’t have time to train kids, Sienna. If you want that done, then do it yourself, or find someone who can. I have other things to focus on.” I hated my words the second they left my mouth. I had to get out of there. I had to get away from the smells and sights. I couldn’t train these kids, I would fail these kids—I just had, and two had died because of it. It was cruel and wrong to throw this at Sienna, but if that fear ever took over again, I was no help to anyone. I might have sounded confident to Em, but if it happened again—

  I spun away before Sienna could reply, stalking back into the city towards the Palace, all the while still feeling a crushing weight threatening to sink me.

  JAYLA

  I kept my chin high and my gaze up as I passed the bodies of the Reeks. Black blood spilled across the sand, and the smell made my stomach churn once again. I managed to get myself into the abandoned city streets before my breathing became so labored I thought I might have another attack, but I swallowed it back and kept moving.

  Caspian caught up with me after a few minutes. “That was a bit harsh, don’t you think?”

  “What would you have me do, Caspian? Spend my time training kids? Searching for Reeks? Or trying to find the genetic kids and a way to stop all of this? Which will it be?”

  “That’s not what I’m saying, but you could have just listened to her and showed a little compassion to the fact that no one here wants this.”

  “You don’t think I know that?” I spun on him, and he stopped a foot away.

  His brow creased. “What happened out there?”

  I turned away and began walking again. “Nothing.” I can’t talk about this. I can’t be here.

  “You choked, Jayla.” Caspian caught up and was at my side lightning quick. “You could have been killed.”

  “But I wasn’t.”

  “No, you weren’t. Because I was there. What If I’m not there next time?”

  I forced away the image of Caspian being ripped apart, the thought of him torn from me forever. “What do you want me to say? I’m sorry? I had a moment of weakness, and it will never happen again.”

  “At what cost?” Caspian grabbed my arm and pulled me to a stop. My gaze dropped to his hand wrapped around my wrist and the burn marks trailing up his forearm until they disappeared under the sleeve of his shirt. The sight—the memory of how he got those burns—caused a wave of panic to push into me. I swallowed it back, closing my eyes. “How long will I have to see the pain and terror in your eyes this time? How long will you force me to stand by while you destroy every part of yourself just so you don’t have to face what is going on?”

  “What’s going on?” I spat.

  “You had a panic attack, Jayla. That’s what that was. And it’s not healthy to ignore it or push it aside and bury it deep down. You need time to rest, to recover.” Caspian’s eyes were gentle and warm. “We’ve been through a lot… no one would blame you or judge you if you just stepped back for a moment to breathe.”

  “I don’t have time to breathe, Caspian.” I scowled. “You heard Em, I need to stay focused—that’s my job right now.”

  “That’s not what she meant and you know it!”

  “What did she mean then?” I glared up at him.

  “She cares about you. We both do. And she can’t focus on what she’s supposed to be doing if she’s worried about you.”

  “So I’m a distraction then?” I tilted my head, my glare hardening. “I’m a liability?”

  “Yes.” Caspian threw his arms up. “Neither of us want to lose you, but we can’t baby you either.”

  “Don’t worry, I can take care of myself. You don’t have to be my bodyguard any longer.” I moved to step around him.

  “And how do you plan to do that when you can’t control your own actions?” He stepped in front of me, forcing me to stop and face him.

  “It won’t happen again,” I said through clenched teeth.

  “You know you can’t promise that. I’m only asking you to admit that you need help, that you can’t do this on your own, and that’s okay.”

  I took a step away from him, because I knew if I stayed any closer, I would feel the ripping in my heart again, and this time it might tear me apart. I couldn’t let that vulnerable part of me exist anymore. The part that felt and cared. This was where it had gotten me, so afraid I’d lose him again I couldn’t even function. I thought I’d gotten past this, when I’d thought I lost Caspian, yet somehow this was worse. I hadn’t seen the Reeks before, hadn’t realized just how terrifying they really were. I had escaped one nightmare only to enter another, and I didn’t know what to do. I felt my pulse try to quicken. Every instinct in my body was screaming for me to either run from him or to him—and I didn’t know which side would win out. Caspian deserved better, he deserved better than the weak, terrified person freaking out when I was needed.

  “I don’t need your help, Caspian. I can do this on my own. I’ve done it alone for much longer than you’ve been at my side.”

  His face crumbled, and the hurt in his eyes nearly dropped me. “Why won’t you just let me in?”

  “That’s exactly what I did, Caspian. I let you in. I let myself feel and love and believe that somehow this could work out, and where has that gotten me?” I screamed. He froze. “I almost lost you. And now every time I close my eyes, all I see is those things tearing you apart, over and over again, and I can’t stop them.”

  “You didn’t lose me. I’m right here.” Caspian took a step forward, but I shook my head, keeping the distance between us.

  Tears streamed down my cheeks, and I let them fall. “I will never let that happen again. And I won’t lose you, because I can beat this.”

  “You don’t have to beat anything,” Caspian whispered. “Just take a step back, let someone else take some of the weight off of you.”

  I shook my head. “I can’t.”

  “Why?”

  “Because if I’m not in control, who is?” The words felt hollow coming out of me. Saying them out loud only brought that fear to the surface. I couldn’t control what happened, to Caspian or Em, to the genetic kids, to my mom. This terror had been swelling inside of me for some time, and now that it was out, I feared the monster inside of me would take over. I’m not in control.

  Caspian took another step forward. My back was pressed up against the wall of a building, and I could feel his hesitation as he wanted to grab me, hold me, but he kept his arms at his sides. “You can’t control what happens, but you can let me help.”

  Another tear fell down my cheek. My voice broke. “I can’t.”

  Hurt filled Caspian’s face, and anger. “I can’t just stand here and watch you break yourself again, Jayla. I stood by once before, when you lost yourself in the Underground and became the Wraith, but I won’t do it again. I promised I would never leave you, and I won’t, but I can’t stand by and let you do this to yourself. I thought you were done with the bullshit, Jayla. I thought you trusted me, but now you’re back to that scared girl who lost her mom and tried to push me away instead of letting me help. I won’t stand by again.”