I was still waiting to be used in the afternoon which is when they did the water-skiing. Some girl from the local subaqua did it. She works part-time in the quayside restaurant where they all ate last night apparently. I saw her when she came in for make-up. Pleasant enough but didn’t look a bit like me. I’m quite petite, only she was on the large side and whereas my hair is auburn hers was definitely ginger. I didn’t say anything at the time but I thought if she’s supposed to be me they’ll be into big continuity problems so I thought I’d go in quest of the director and tell him. Nobody about on the yacht except a man who’s dusting the camera. He said not to worry, the shot was p.o.v. water-skis so we’d only be seeing her elbow. I said, ‘Will that work?’ He said, ‘Oh yes. You know, Cinema, the magic of.’ Mind you, he said, if it was up to him personally, he’d rather see my elbow than hers any day. His name was Terry, what was mine? I said, ‘It’s a relief to find someone civil.’ He said, ‘It’s the usual story, Lesley, Art comes in at the door, manners go out of the window. Why is making a film like being a mushroom?’

  I said, ‘Why, Terry?’ He said, ‘They keep you in the dark and every now and again somebody comes and throws a bucket of shit over you.’ He laughed. I said, ‘That’s interesting, only Terry, they don’t grow mushrooms like that now. It’s all industrialised.’ He said, ‘You sound like a cultured person, what say we spend the evening exploring the delights of Lee-on-Solent?’

  His room’s nicer than mine. His bathroom’s got a hairdryer.

  GO TO BLACK.

  Come up on Lesley now in a bikini and wrap. An anonymous hotel room. Evening.

  Please don’t misunderstand me. I’ve no objection to taking my top off. But Travis as I was playing her wasn’t the kind of girl who would take her top off. I said, ‘I’m a professional, Nigel. Credit me with a little experience. It isn’t Travis.’

  I’d been sitting on the deck of the yacht all day as background while these two older men had what I presumed was a business discussion. One of them, who was covered in hair and had a real weight problem, was my boy friend apparently. You knew he was my boy friend because at an earlier juncture you’d seen him hit me across the face. Travis is supposed to be a good-time girl, though you never actually see me having a good time, just sat on this freezing cold deck plastering on the sun tan lotion. I said to Nigel, ‘I don’t know whether the cameraman’s spotted it, Nigel, but would I be sunbathing? There’s no sun.’ Nigel said, ‘No sun is favourite.’ Nigel’s first assistant, here there and everywhere. Gunther never speaks, not to me anyway. Just stands behind the camera with a little cap on. Not a patch on Roman. Roman had a smile for everybody.

  Anyway, I’m sitting there as background and I say to Nigel, ‘Nigel, am I right in thinking I’m a denizen of the cocktail belt?’ He said, ‘Why?’ a bit guardedly. I said, ‘Because to me, Nigel, that implies a cigarette-holder,’ and I produced quite a modest one I happened to have brought with me. He went and spoke to Gunther, only Gunther ruled there was to be no smoking. I said, ‘On grounds of health?’ Nigel said, ‘No. On grounds of it making continuity a bugger.’ I’d also brought a paperback with me just to make it easier for props (which seemed to be Scott again). Only I’d hardly got it open when Nigel relieved me of it and said they were going for the sun tan lotion. I said, ‘Nigel, I don’t think the two are incompatible. I can apply sun tan lotion and read at the same time. That is what professionalism means.’ He checked with Gunther again and he came back and said, ‘Forget the book. Sun tan lotion is favourite.’ I said, ‘Can I ask you something else?’ He said, ‘Go on.’ I said, ‘What is my boy friend discussing?’ He said, ‘Business.’ I said, ‘Nigel. Would I be right in thinking it’s a drugs deal?’ He said, ‘Does it matter?’ I said, ‘It matters to me. It matters to Travis. It helps my character.’ He said, ‘What would help your character is if you took your bikini top off.’ I said, ‘Nigel. Would Travis do that?’ I said, ‘We know Travis plays chess. She also reads. Is Travis the type to go topless?’ He said, ‘Listen. Who do you think you’re playing, Emily Brontë? Gunther wants to see your knockers.’

  I didn’t even look at him. I just took my top off without a word and applied sun tan lotion with all the contempt I could muster. They did the shot, then Nigel came over and said Gunther liked that and if I could give him a whisker more sensuality it might be worth a close-up. So we did it again and then Nigel came over and said Gunther was liking what I was giving them and in this next shot would I slip off my bikini bottom. I said, ‘Nigel. Trust me. Travis would not do that.’ Talks to Gunther. Comes back. Says Gunther agrees with me. The real Travis wouldn’t. But by displaying herself naked before her boy friend’s business associate she is showing her contempt for his whole way of life. I said, ‘Nigel. At last Gunther is giving me something I can relate to.’ He says, ‘Right! Let’s shoot it! Elbow the bikini bottom!’

  Pause.

  We wrapped about six (that’s film parlance for packed up). I said to Nigel, ‘Did I give Gunther what he wanted? Is he happy?’ He said, ‘Gunther is an artist, Lesley. He’s never happy. But as he said this afternoon, “At last we’re cooking with gas.”’ I said, ‘Does that mean it’s good?’ He said, ‘Yes.’ I said, ‘Oh. Because I prefer electricity.’

  When I got back to the hotel, it took me some time to unwind. I’d become so identified with Travis it was only when I’d had a bath and freshened up I felt her loosening her hold on me. I was looking forward to relaxing with the crew, swapping anecdotes of the day’s shooting in the knowledge of a day’s work well done only when I got downstairs there was nobody about, just Scott and one of the drivers. Turns out all the rest of them had gone off to supper at the restaurant run by the fat girl who did the water-skiing.

  I sat in the bar for a bit. Just one fellow in there. I said, ‘My hobby is people, what do you do?’ Lo and behold he’s on the film too, the animal handler, Kenny. In charge of the cat. I said, ‘That’s interesting, Kenny. I didn’t know there was going to be a cat. I love cats. I love dogs too, but I love cats.’ He said, ‘Would you care to see her? She’s asleep on my bed.’ I said, ‘That’s convenient.’ He said, ‘Lesley. Don’t run away with that idea. I am wedded to my small charges.’ So I go up and pal on with the cat a bit and Kenny tells me about all the animals he’s handled, a zebra once, a seal, an alligator and umpteen ferrets. He has a trout there too in a tank. It was going to be caught later on in the film. Quite small, only they were going to shoot it in close-up so it would look bigger.

  I sat on the bed and listened to him talk about animal behaviour. I said, ‘Kenny, this is the kind of evening I like, two people just talking about something interesting.’

  I woke up in the night and couldn’t remember where I was. Then I saw the cat sitting there, watching the trout.

  GO TO BLACK.

  Come up on Lesley back in her own flat and in her ordinary clothes. Dusk.

  When you’ve finished a shot on a film you have to wait and see whether there’s what they call a hair in the gate. It’s film parlance for the all clear. Thank God there wasn’t because I couldn’t have done it again. I’d created Travis and though it was her lover that got shot I felt it was the something in me that was Travis that had died.

  My lover’s name turned out to be Alfredo. That was my big line. ‘Alfredo!’ He was the head of some sort of crime syndicate only everybody in the yachting fraternity thought he was very respectable and to do with the building trade. One night while Alfredo and me were ashore at a building federation dinner and dance this young undercover policeman swims out to the yacht to search it in his underpants. However, as luck would have it Travis has a headache, so she and Alfredo return early from this ultra-respectable function with Alfredo in a towering rage. Originally I was down to say, ‘I can’t help it, Alfredo, I have a headache,’ and we tried it once or twice only Gunther then thought it would be more convincing if my headache was so bad I couldn’t actually speak and Alfredo just said, ‘You and your headaches.’ I said, ‘If it’s a migraine rather than a headache Travis probably wouldn’t be able to speak,’ and Gunther said, ‘Whatever you say.’ It’s wonderful, that moment, when you feel a director first begin to trust you and you can really start to build.

  Anyway Travis and Alfredo come into the cabin where they find this young man behind the sofa in his underpants and Alfredo takes out his gun and says, ‘How lucky lovely Travis had a headache and we had to leave our glittering reception. I was cross with her then but now my mood has changed. Offer the gentleman a drink, Travis. Then go and take your clothes off. There’s nothing I like better than making love after killing a policeman. Ha ha.’ I then retire to the next cabin while Alfredo taunts this bare young policeman and says he is going to kill him, but before he does so, he tells him about his drug-smuggling operation in every detail, the way criminals tend to do the minute they get somebody at gunpoint. When Travis comes back with no clothes on the young policeman is talking about the evil drugs do, all the young lives ruined and so on. Only I forgot to say that there’d been some dialogue earlier, when I was supposed to be snorkelling, about how Travis had a little brother, Craig, and how he’d got hooked on drugs and how I was heartbroken and determined to revenge myself on the culprits should I ever come across them.

  So when the policeman is saying all this about the horror of drugs you can see it comes as a revelation to Travis that her lover is involved in drugs: she thinks it’s just been ordinary crime and stealing electrical goods. Anyway very quietly, ‘almost pensively’ Gunther said, Travis picks up an underwater spear gun that happens to be on the sideboard. Nigel came over and said that ideally at this point Gunther would like to see a variety of emotions chase themselves across Travis’s face as her affection for her lover, Alfredo, fights with the demands of her conscience and the memories of her little brother, Craig. You see my lover’s fat finger tighten on the trigger as he gets ready to shoot the policeman, only just then I say his name very quietly, ‘Alfredo’. He spins round. Travis fires the harpoon and you see the spear come out of his back, killing him, and also ruining his dinner jacket. They then follow that with a big close-up with blood and everything, and me with a single tear rolling down my cheek.

  We did this in one take, which Nigel said was almost unique in the annals of filming. Only Scott has to chip in and say good job, as just having one dinner jacket was fairly unique as well. I couldn’t have done it again anyway. I’d got nothing left. Except I suddenly had a flash of inspiration, the way you do when you’ve been to the end of the world and back, and I said to Nigel, ‘Don’t you think that Travis, drained of all emotion by the death of her lover, would perhaps cling on to the policeman whose life she has saved, and that they would celebrate his deliverance by having sexual intercourse there and then?’

  Big debate. Gunther really liked it, only the actor playing the policeman wasn’t keen. I think he may have been gay too, he had a moustache. Eventually Nigel came over and said that favourite was for the policeman to look as if he was considering having sexual intercourse and for him to run his hand speculatively over Travis’s private parts, only then pity drives out lust and instead he covers up her nakedness with an oriental-type dressing-gown, the property of her dead lover. Though even at this late stage you can tell he’s not ruled out the possibility because as he’s fastening the dressing-gown his fingers linger over Travis’s nipples. Afterwards Gunther explained that if there had been any proper funny business at this point it would have detracted from the final scene when after all the excitement the undercover policeman goes home to his regular girl friend, who cooks him a hot snack and who’s a librarian, and then the final scene is of them making love, the message being that sexual intercourse is better with someone you’re in love with even though they are a bit homely and work in the county library than with someone like Travis who’s just after a good time. As Gunther said to me that night, ‘It’s a very moral film only the tragedy is, people won’t see it.’ I said to him, I said, ‘That’s interesting because I saw it that way right from the start.’

  When we were in bed I said, ‘If only we could have done this before.’ He said, ‘Lesley. I make it a rule never to lay a finger on an actress until the whole thing’s in the can.’ I said, ‘Gunther. There’s no need to explain. We’re both professionals. But Gunther,’ I said, ‘can I ask you one question? Was I Travis? Were you pleased with my performance?’ He said, ‘Listen. If someone is a bad actress I can’t sleep with her. So don’t ask me if I was pleased with your performance. This is the proof.’ He’s a real artist is Gunther.

  When I woke up in the morning he’d gone. I wandered down for some coffee only there was nobody from the unit about. I’d planned to say goodbye to everybody but they were off doing some establishing shots of the marina. Anyway, I went and bought a card with a sinking ship on it and put ‘Goodbye, gang! See you at the première!’ and left it at the desk.

  As I came out with my bags Scott was just loading the laundry. I said, ‘Ciao, Scott. It’s been a pleasure working with you.’ He said, ‘You win some, you lose some.’ I said, ‘Now it’s back to real life.’ He said, ‘Some of us never left it.’ It’s funny the way their clothes are always too small.

  The film’s coming out in West Germany initially, then Turkey possibly. Gunther says it’ll make me quite famous. Well, I suppose I shall have to live with that. Only I’m not just going to sit here and wait for the phone to ring. No fear. I’m going to acquire another skill. Spoken Italian. Selling valuable oil paintings. Canoeing. You see, the more you have to offer as a person the better you are as an actress. Acting is really just giving.

  FADE OUT.

  SOLDIERING ON

  Muriel . Stephanie Cole

  MURIEL IS A BRISK, SENSIBLE WOMAN IN HER LATE FIFTIES. SHE IS IN A TWEED SKIRT AND CARDIGAN WITH SOME PEARLS, AND WE COME ON HER SETTLED IN A CORNER OF HER COMFORTABLE HOME. IT IS AFTERNOON.

  It’s a funny time, three o’clock, too late for lunch but a bit early for tea. Besides, there were one or two brave souls who’d trekked all the way from Wolverhampton; I couldn’t risk giving them tea or we’d have had a mutiny on our hands. And I think people like to be offered something even if they don’t actually eat it. One’s first instinct was to make a beeline for the freezer and rout out the inevitable quiche, but I thought, ‘Muriel, old girl, that’s the coward’s way out,’ so the upshot was I stopped up till two in the morning trundling out a selection of my old standards… chicken in a lemon sauce, beef en croute from the old Colchester days (I thought of Jessie Marchant), and bushels of assorted salads. As it happened it wasn’t exactly a salady day, quite crisp for April actually, however Mabel warmed up the proceedings with one of her famous soups, conjured up out of thin air, so we lived to fight another day. Nobody could quite put their finger on the flavour, so I was able to go round saying, ‘Have you guessed the soup yet?’ and that broke the ice a bit. I don’t know what had got into Mabel but she’d gone mad and added a pinch of curry and that foxed most people. It was cauliflower actually.

  Still, it was a bit sticky at the start as these occasions generally are. There were people there one didn’t know from Adam (all the Massey-Ferguson people for instance, completely unknown quantities to me), and then lots of people I knew I should know and didn’t. But whenever I saw anyone looking lost I thought of Ralph and grabbed hold of someone I did know and breezed up saying, ‘This is Jocelyn. She’s at the Royal College of Art. I don’t know your name but the odds are you’re in agricultural machinery,’ and then left them to it. It was a case of light the blue touch paper and retire.

  Knowing Ralph, of course, it was a real mixed bag. Several there from the Sports Council and quite a contingent from Tonbridge, some Friends of Norwich Cathedral and the Discharged Prisoners Aid Society, Madge and Perce whom we met on the Mauretania on our honeymoon, Donald and Joyce Bannerman who were actually en route for Abu Dhabi, then Donald bought a paper at Heathrow, saw the announcement and came straight down. And one sweet old man who’d come all the way over from Margate. He said, ‘You won’t remember me, Mrs Carpenter, but I’m a member of the criminal fraternity.’ I shrieked. As the vicar said: Ralph touched life at many points.

  The children magnificent, of course, or Giles at any rate. Luckily Margaret didn’t appear. But Giles took off all the Household Brigade people on a tour of the garden while Pippa coped with some of the bigwigs from the City. ‘I don’t think you know George,’ I heard one of them say, ‘George cracks the whip at Goodison, Brown.’ Poor souls, they both of them deserved medals. And Crispin and Lucy angelic, Crispin popping in and out of people’s legs reaching up to fill the glasses. I wanted them to have a rest. ‘No,’ said Giles, ‘let them do it. They adored their grandpa.’ ‘Adored him,’ said Pippa, ‘like we all did.’

  The church had been absolutely chocker and I’d managed not to blub until right at the finish when they struck up with ‘I vow to thee my country’. And then I’d a hundred and one things to do so I was perfectly all right until I saw awful Angela Gillespie had made the mistake of talking to boring old Frank from the firm, and I heard the dreaded words ‘fork-lift trucks’ and thought how many times I used to have to shut Ralph up in similar circumstances, and the idea of shutting Ralph up at all set me off instantly and I had to nip into the pantry to staunch the flow, shortly to be followed by Mabel who’d just fallen over one of his old wellingtons and promptly gone into floods. So we had a good laugh and a good cry over that before powdering our noses and hurling ourselves back into the fray.