TWO OTHER IMPORTANT POINTS ABOUT THE DEATH OF

  DEL ZARZOSA SOY YO THE SABRE

  The Stinkly Wrinklys had killed the bike that, when I was too old to ride it, I was going to give to a disadvantaged kid. The bike that might stop that disadvantaged kid possibly becoming a bank robber, accidentally shooting a bank teller and going to jail forever.

  The fact The Skrink could pinch a bike into pieces was a tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny bit cool.

  I was crying.

  I didn’t even realise I was crying until I noticed that the two bits of my shirt right under my eyes were wet.

  I wasn’t going to try to hide my tears. Tears were invented for this sort of situation. I don’t know who the first person to ever cry was, but I bet they felt just like I felt right now. I was mad at the Stinkly Wrinklys. I was sad about Del Zarzosa Soy Yo The Sabre. I was upset with myself for thinking about covering some old ladies in peanut butter and itchy bits of hair and flying over them laughing. What if one of them was allergic to peanuts? Or hair? I shouldn’t have thought that.

  I looked over at Hils.

  She was smiling.

  ‘You’re smiling,’ I said.

  ‘Affirmative.’

  ‘But I’m crying.’

  ‘The Stinkly Wrinklys have made a significant tactical error.’

  ‘YOU SHOULD STOP SMILING.’

  ‘Throughout history,’ said Hils, ‘in battles between a great power and a smaller one, the greater power will commit an atrocity so horrible that instead of scaring the smaller power it makes them so mad they vow to fight to the death.’

  ‘I VOW TO FIGHT TO THE DEATH.’

  ‘The greater power believes they will win and they let down their guard,’ said Hils.

  ‘DO YOU THINK THERE IS A CHANCE I MIGHT ACTUALLY HAVE TO FIGHT TO THE ACTUAL DEATH?’

  ‘This moment of weakness emboldens the smaller power.’

  ‘I’M NOT READY TO DIE,’ I said.

  ‘And they strike with great ferocity.’

  ‘I VOW TO FIGHT UNTIL IT HURTS QUITE A BIT.’

  ‘In China this is called “Waking the Sleeping Dragon”.’

  ‘Am I the sleeping dragon?’ I said.

  ‘Affirmative.’

  ‘That’s cool.’

  I roared like a dragon.

  ‘Don’t do that again,’ said Hils.

  ‘I didn’t sound anything like a dragon, did I?’

  ‘Affirmative.’

  55

  THE SHOCK

  ‘Hils?’ I said.

  We were eating army rations in Hils’s caravan.

  ‘How did they know?’

  ‘Your question does not contain enough information,’ said Hils.

  ‘How did the Stinkly Wrinklys know where we were going to be so they could ambush us? How did they know where to find Del Zarzosa Soy Yo The Sabre? WHO TOLD THEM?’

  ‘I believe I know who leaked such sensitive information to our enemy,’ said Hils.

  56

  THE INFORMANT

  It was dark. We were sitting in a bush outside Rashid’s house.

  ‘Do you think it was Rashid who told the Stinkly Wrinklys where we’d be?’ I said.

  I felt bad for thinking that. Rashid is my second-best friend.

  ‘Negative,’ said Hils. ‘I think it was you.’

  ‘WHAT.’

  ‘Maintain radio silence. I don’t think you did it on purpose.’

  ‘I didn’t do it at all,’ I said.

  ‘Loose lips sink ships,’ said Hils.

  ‘I don’t know anyone with a ship,’ I said.

  ‘It’s from World War Two. It means you should always be careful who you say important things in front of because they could be the enemy.’

  ‘My cousin has a canoe,’ I said.

  ‘Whenever you visit Rashid, who else is always in the room?’ said Hils.

  Just then Rashid’s back door opened and out stepped Bubu.

  ‘Rashid’s grandmother,’ I said.

  ‘Affirmative.’

  ‘But she doesn’t speak any English.’

  ‘Maybe she hears English though,’ said Hils.

  57

  THE PURSUIT

  ‘Hils? Did you know there is an Olympic Games for old people?’ I said.

  ‘Affirmative.’

  ‘It’s called the Oldlympics.’

  ‘Negative. It’s called the Masters Games.’

  ‘You’re probably right,’ I said. ‘Oldlympics is a much better name though.’

  ‘Much better,’ said Hils.

  ‘I think Rashid’s Bubu . . .’

  ‘Stinkly Wrinkly,’ said Hils.

  ‘I think Rashid’s Stinkly Bubu should enter the Oldlympics. She can walk really fast.’

  We’d been following Rashid’s Stinkly Bubu for about half an hour. We’d walked a long way. I was getting tired. Hils didn’t seem to be getting tired. Neither did Stinkly Bubu.

  Suddenly Hils stopped.

  Stinkly Bubu had stopped. At a bus stop.

  ‘I hope she doesn’t get on a bus,’ I said. ‘How will we follow her then?’

  ‘Buses cease operating along this route after 19:58 hours. It’s currently 20:14 hours. She will not be getting on a bus.’

  Stinkly Bubu sat down at the bus stop.

  Hils and I quickly hid behind a wheelie bin someone had forgotten to bring in off their nature strip. We could see Stinkly Bubu but she couldn’t see us.

  ‘Maybe she thinks there’s a bus,’ I said.

  ‘Negative.’

  Then they arrived. Mrs Cyclopolos and The Skrink.

  They sat down next to Stinkly Bubu.

  They started talking.

  I felt angry again. I felt heat rising up my body. This must be what a volcano feels just before it’s about to erupt. I wished I was a volcano. Well, half-boy and half-volcano. I’d run over to the bus stop and erupt really, very, super-unbelievably hot lava all over those three Stinkly Wrinkly bike murderers. I wanted to see the look of horror on their faces as they realised the last thing they would ever see was a really, very, super angry half-boy half-volcano. I would show them no mercy. We half-boy half-volcanoes aren’t known for showing mercy.

  ‘I have gathered enough intelligence,’ said Hils. ‘Time we evac-ed.’

  In the army ‘evac-ed’ means, ‘Get out from behind the wheelie bin and go home’.

  ‘I was thinking of becoming a half-boy half-volcano and vaporising them all with incredibly hot lava,’ I said.

  ‘I also have a plan,’ said Hils.

  58

  THE SLAP

  ‘We cannot simply put aside important affairs of state to counsel you whenever you desire.’

  Hils never called and made an appointment to visit Rashid.

  ‘Our matter is extremely time sensitive,’ said Hils.

  ‘Wait here. We shall have the meeting room made ready,’ said Rashid, leaving us standing at his front door.

  ‘What’s the plan, Hils?’

  ‘It’s strictly need-to-know.’

  ‘Strictly need-to-know’ is usually the army way of saying, ‘I don’t have a plan.’ It can also be the army way of saying, ‘I’m not going to tell you my plan because if I do you’ll ruin it.’

  I think Hils meant it the second way.

  Rashid was on his throne.

  Rashid’s Stinkly Bubu was in her chair making a basket. Out of bike spokes.

  I wondered if they were spokes from Del Zarzosa Soy Yo The Sabre.

  ‘I come bearing news of a threat,’ said Hils.

  ‘A threat to this kingdom?’ said Rashid.

  ‘Affirmative.’

  ‘From whom?’

  ‘Grandmothers,’ said Hils.

  Brilliant. Hils was going to tell Rashid that his Stinkly Bubu was a bike murderer.

  ‘Your grandmother,’ said Hils, ‘is not involved.’

  WHAT?

  Yes she is.

  ‘Hils?’ I said.

  Hils ignored me.

  ‘What threat is posed by these grandmothers?’ said Rashid.

  ‘They wish to take over all our paper rounds and destroy all our bikes,’ said Hils.

  ‘Our bikes?’ said Rashid.

  ‘Affirmative.’

  ‘Hils?’ I said.

  Hils ignored me again.

  ‘Do you have a plan to defeat these grandmothers?’ said Rashid.

  ‘Affirmative. We are putting together a rebel army to fight them.’

  What rebel army? I hadn’t heard about any rebel army. Hils was just making that up.

  ‘Hils?’ I said.

  Hils still ignored me. Hils is very good at ignoring me. She is very good at ignoring anybody.

  ‘You wish us to join this rebel army?’ said Rashid.

  ‘Affirmative.’

  ‘Then it had better have a cool name. We’ll only join if it has a cool name,’ said Rashid.

  ‘The Horde,’ said Hils. ‘The rebel army is called The Horde.’

  ‘That is cool,’ said Rashid.

  ‘Hils?’ I said.

  Hils was ignoring me so easily I started to think that maybe I was invisible.

  ‘We will need time to decide if we will join The Horde. Pre-season football training starts next week.’

  ‘If you wish to join The Horde, we shall be meeting soon. I shall give you all the details,’ said Hils.

  Don’t tell him where The Horde are meeting. Stinkly Bubu will just tell the other Stinkly Wrinklys and they’ll ambush us again.

  ‘Hils!’ I said.

  ‘The Horde will be meeting this Wednesday at Nobby’s Quarry,’ said Hils.

  ‘Hils!’ I said.

  ‘At 18:30 hours.’

  ‘Hils!’

  ‘Every single member of The Horde will be there.’

  ‘Hils!’

  ‘We shall all be unarmed.’

  ‘Hils!’

  ‘If the grandmothers attacked us, they would completely defeat us.’

  ‘Hils!’

  ‘I just hope we are not attacked. We will not be ready for it.’

  ‘Hils!’

  PINCH!

  Hils pinched me on the cheek.

  Hils and I were standing outside Rashid’s house. My cheek really, very, super hurt.

  ‘Owwww!’ I said.

  59

  THE OWWWW!

  ‘You were threatening to disrupt my plan,’ said Hils.

  ‘Owwww!’

  ‘I needed Rashid’s Stinkly Bubu to think we are all going to be at Nobby’s Quarry at 18:30 hours on Wednesday.’

  ‘Owwww!’

  ‘We’re actually going to be at Nobby’s Quarry at 17:30 hours and ambush the Stinkly Wrinklys when they turn up an hour later.’

  ‘Owwww!’

  ‘I know we don’t actually have a rebel army yet.’

  ‘Owwww!’

  ‘You’re going to put one together.’

  ‘Owwww!’

  ‘I’m going to wage a propaganda war.’

  ‘What’s a propaganda war?’ I said.

  ‘I’m going to put up some posters that say bad things about the Stinkly Wrinklys. It will make people want to join our rebel army.’

  ‘Owwww!’

  ‘I didn’t pinch you that hard.’

  ‘Owwww!’

  60

  THE FACTS

  I had no idea how to put together a rebel army.

  61

  THE SCOTSMAN

  I thought Peter the newsagent would be good in a rebel army even though the last time I saw him he was running down the street screaming.

  I had no idea where to find him so I decided to see if he had reopened his newsagents. It was open but it wasn’t a newsagents.

  I thought the Scottish-bagpipe-seller might know where Peter was so I went in.

  The Scottish-bagpipe-seller was standing behind a small desk. He wore a kilt, a Scottish hat and was holding a set of bagpipes.

  He looked exactly like Peter.

  ‘Peter?’ I said.

  ‘Aye nuuuuu nuuuuuone carled Pitter,’ said the Scottish-bagpipe-seller-who-looked-exactly-like-Peter. ‘Me nim uz Buns.’

  He had a very strange accent.

  I was sure it was Peter.

  ‘Mr Buns, are you actually Peter?’ I said.

  ‘Nuuuuuuuuuuuuuu,’ said Mr-Buns-who-was-probably-Peter. ‘Ayve navver mut unnywon carled Pitter aver un me untire leaf.’

  I was almost completely sure it was Peter.

  I realised how I could find out for certain.

  ‘Mr Buns, could you play me something on your bagpipes?’

  Mr Buns-who-was-actually-Peter put the blowing bit of the bagpipes in his mouth and blew.

  It sounded awful. It was definitely Peter.

  ‘Peter,’ I said. ‘Hils and I are putting together a rebel army to defeat the Stinkly Wrinklys, I mean the grannies. Will you join us?’

  ‘Nuuuuuuuuu,’ said Peter-disguised-as-a-Scottish-bagpipe-seller. ‘Aye wull nut jane yrr rubble army!’

  ‘It’s called The Horde.’

  ‘Nuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu uuuu!’

  I wasn’t off to a very good start.

  62

  THE PROPAGANDA

  Hils’s propaganda posters were everywhere.

  On walls.

  On telephone poles.

  In windows.

  On doors.

  Even on car windscreens.

  I wondered what the Stinkly Wrinklys would think of Hils’s propaganda.

  63

  THE MORNING

  By five o’clock next morning all the posters had been torn down.

  I was waiting behind my letterbox hoping that Warren would turn up.

  I heard him before I saw him. He was mumbling to himself.

  ‘I should not have come,’ said Warren. ‘But the wind speaks. It says the new age is almost upon us, that the final battle approaches.’

  ‘Warren?’ I said.

  ‘Are the rumours true?’ said Warren. ‘Is a rebel army on the rise? Does the hour of the final conflict draw nigh?’

  ‘Yes. Very nigh. Warren, I was wondering . . . well . . . Hils and I were wondering if you would like to join our rebel army?’

  ‘No,’ said Warren. ‘I will not join your rebel army.’

  ‘It’s called The Horde.’

  ‘No!’ said Warren.

  I was worse at putting together a rebel army than I was at shot-put.

  I was the worst ever at shot-put.

  Me (7 times)

  Mr Hardy-Soul, the PE teacher (4 times)

  A seagull (2 times but I think it was probably 2 different seagulls and I hurt them each 1 time.)

  Five grade 1 kids (1 time. Now no grade 1 kids are allowed on the oval while I’m doing shot-put.)

  64

  THE LEAFLET

  I opened my letterbox and waited for any spiders to run out. (Two years ago I opened my letterbox and a huge huntsman spider ran out of it and up my arm. Now I open my letterbox with a specially designed anti-spider-letterbox-opening-stick which I keep hidden in a flowery sort of bush behind the fence near the letterbox.)

  After I have opened the letterbox the first thing I always do is check that my Disaster Recovery Kit is securely hidden right in the back.

  One really large, very strong rubber band.

  (A rubber band is the most useful thing you can have in the event of any sort of disaster. With a rubber band you can do anything. You can set a trap to stop zombies on motorcycles, build a simple helicopter or make a musical instrument to cheer people up when your food has run out and you’re going to have to start eating each other.)

  It was.

  Then I checked for mail.

  There was one leaflet. It was more of Hils’s anti-Stinkly-Wrinkly propaganda.

  Grannies – Myth vs Fact

  IT IS TIME YOU KNEW THE TRUTH ABOUT GRANNIES

  MYTH

  FACT

  Grannies are stinkly.

  Yesly.

  Grannies are wrinkly.

  Yes. Every granny has, at least, 1,001,928 wrinkles. They use their wrinkles to hide things like knives, dynamite and small children they are going to eat later.

  After going to the toilet grannies wipe their bottoms with kittens.

  Grannies hate toilet paper. Kittens are much more gentle on the bottom.

  Grannies cause earthquakes.

  Yes. They can also make chocolate taste bad just by touching it.

  Grannies collect big balls of earwax and eat them with spaghetti instead of meatballs.

  Yes. Every granny’s favourite food is Earwax Bolognese.

  But my granny is so nice. She isn’t stinkly or wrinkly and she doesn’t eat earwax.