I’m looking forward to coming to the Uni. I really am …

  Shh, Fionnula winked and pointed at the back of the barmaid.

  Kay made the ‘oh’ shape wi her mouth, an nodded, goes, quieterish, But there’s some things about the city. Just before I came here, because it was warm and I just fancied a drink, these little kids were waiting outside a chemist’s. This old age pensioner came out and sold them a cough mixture bottle!

  Cough mixture?

  You can get high on it if you drink it.

  Ah never really knew that.

  Dad told me.

  What is it yur dad does? A doctor but only in the hospitals?

  He’s a consultant.

  Right.

  Listen, Fionnula, Dad and Mum had a dinner party up at our house during Easter but to make it a little more fun, he asked all the guests to come in fancy dress, Kay goes, a little the quieter on third word, Theres a gynaecologist up at the Chest. You know, a gynaecologist?

  Yes, goes Fionnula, sharp, more tequilas please, six.

  Guess who he came dressed as?

  Fionnula shrugged, an picked up a salt container.

  Goldfinger from the James Bond film. And he’d painted his finger gold!

  Fionnula stared, then just roared out in the hysterics. That’s just fuckin brilliant! Ya dinnae think of doctors an that having a sense of humour.

  Kay hud a kind of faraway look an was stared at her two remaining shots, Oh they really do, really wicked most times as well. Starts at medical …

  Fionnula had held up a hand so’s Kay had stopped talking. Fionnula goes, Ah was just thought about they old age pensioners, must, you know, add a wee bit on. The cough mixture price. It’s state of the old age pensions that’s driving the old folk to that. She laughed, says, To becoming drug dealers! Sorry sorry, what were ya saying? Goldfinger. That’s brilliant!

  There’s this story, and I’ve heard it from different doctors but never from Dad! It’s always, they’re at medical school and one of the students, during an autopsy on a cadaver, takes the … a cut off man’s, she dropped her voice an mainly mouthed the word, but hushed its actual sound … Cock.

  Aye, Fionnula smiled, preparedness for the punchline.

  An they go on a city bus but …

  The BEASTIE!

  Yes, Kay giggled, One medical student has it tied on a thead, all the way down an inside trouser leg, so the … that end bit is sticking out the trouser leg bottom.

  Yesss …

  So he sits opposite some old woman and by jiggling the thread he can make it … Kay laughed, He can … you know, make it peek in an out the bottom of the trouser leg!

  Huh, Fionnula nodded, did a husky kind of giggle an lit another cigarette, she says, Just like time ah tied yur chair to the desk wi a thread from ma kilt, in you English exam.

  That was SO embarrassing. KNEW it was you, Kay grinned, reached out for another cigarette, I’ll get you back Fionnula McConnel!

  Fionnula just nodded, turned an smiled, hunched forward on the bar an she annoyedly tugged up sleeve of her shirt that kept falling down. Is it, is it to be a doctor you’re going to do at (she dropped her voice) university then?

  Law, Kay looked glumly at her tequilas, flipped one into her mouth, paused, flipped back the next one, swallowed then took the next, swallowed it down then reached out for two lemon slices she started to gnaw-gnaw at.

  Make a knob peak out just like Manda, eh?

  Kay’s eyes were all teary, she hunched her shoulders an says, in a strainy voice, You would know.

  I’ll tell you this, Kay from Pulpit Hill; the walls are so thin in Manda’s dad’s house, that when she takes a bath, Saturday night, the old man next door knows she’s right there, in her bath an Manda can hear him wanking hisself off, sitting in his empty bath right next her there so she aye listens to her Walkman for a soak.

  Oh yeauch.

  Ah love Manda an everything but she’s so fucking gormless at times.

  She didn’t do well in the exams.

  Och no that Kay. She’s full of all those wee town ideas. Like ah hate to say it, you want to get out of the Port, you’re aw set up, you’ll come down here an have a great time an get your law things but Manda, all she really, really wants, is to get pregnant, soon as possible after leaving school, to a guy wi an okay job, he’ll be a mechanic, or forestry or out at the hydro or something, cause, you ever noticed how she only goes wi guys that’re working? … Manda checks their pockets to make sure there’s no giro before anything else, wi them being so poor an that, an all she wants is a bought house up the Complex, no far from her Dad, a wee boy wi a skinhead an an earring, called Shane or something, an SKY TV. That’ll be her happy. Ahm no slagging that, but she’s getting so big-headed on other people, like, after we saw they two shagging in the grass there … she was going on and on, calling that lassie a dirty wee hoor an everything. Jesus, Manda can tell most boys fro the Mantrap in the dark, by shape of their cocks down to here in her throat.

  Kay burst out with laughing as Fionnula pointed to far down her neck.

  Ah mean she shouldn’t be so judging other people just cause, cause what they were doing … is different fro her … Fionnula sort of drifted off, hovered her hand round an round her last tequila, playfully, So law eh? Know the Prenter family, the brothers an that; Manda used to go wi Jamie Prenter?

  Heard about them, yes.

  You’ll be hearing plenty more if you’re in the law an that. Most of the stuff they’re doing now, they can’t try them for up home so they send them down the high courts here. Prenter family aye make a big day out of it, try to time it in wi Christmas shopping an hiring a minibus to take the family down, fucking cousins an uncles, balloons on strings out the minibus window and all to the high courts. Ah tell you, they were unreal, Manda telt me she went on a big picnic wi them one time, an they had a box of live chickens tied top of the car an a big roll of astroturf, killed and cooked aw the chickens on a bonfire, all the old aunties watching on deckchairs on the astroturf, they set fire to half the mountainside an Jamie’s brother got asphyxiated by the smoke so he ends up in an ambulance … they had to smash down the door of a holiday cottage to get at a phone to call nine, nine, nine.

  No wonder Manda sticks to boys with jobs now.

  Aye, family from hell right enough but ah tell you, Manda’s dottery. One time just there, she sent off for more information, something in News of the Screws she’d seen, an she was bumming the loaf, it was a holiday to London an America all for one hundred and ninety pounds. Ah telt her it was a heap of shite so she goes says she’ll prove it, brings the paper in, an know what it was?

  What?

  It’s a hundred an ninety-nine pound, two nights in London to see the musical Chicago!

  Kay yelled out an uncontrollable laugh.

  Ah mean this was in English as well! Manda cannie read, the dopeydocus.

  Interpretation.

  She’s so funny though, she’s just crazy, Fionnula smiled, all softening now.

  In what way?

  Och just those little ways. She’s ma oldest pal, Kay. Like other Saturday night when ah dropped round, Catriona her sister had trimmed her hair. The Old Man was in the bath an she’d promised to do the dishes so’s ah washed them for her. She took the hair dryer through to the kitchen to do her hair an when ah was finished, cause there wasn’t really time to dry the dishes, she used the hair dryer on them, on all the plates an pans an they were done in a jiffy! She just does these really funny things that make me smile an smile, och, those sort of things make ya almost fall in love wi someone. The little things.

  Do you know Catriona?

  Aye. She’s great, Manda’s big sister? Does ma hair, an well, all us hair. Fionnula frowned, Do you know her?

  No. No, hardly at all.

  Oh right. But you know, Manda’s aye, ‘Catriona this, Ma big sister that, Ma big sister does this, Ma big sister does that,’ you know?

  I’ve noticed that, Kay says, quiet, blowing out smoke. She’s just insecure.

  Aye, aye you’re right, she is. But it doesn’t half get on yur fuckin nerves. She thinks she can make herself appear less insecure wi all the boys but it’s no true an like, tween me an you Kay, she doesn’t sleep wi any o them, it’s all handjobs round the back then she’s going, ‘I’ve been wi him an him an him an him,’ but she just means they’ve ruined one of her tops.

  Kay laughed and moved her eyes down to the ashtray.

  You know what ah mean?

  I know what you mean.

  Like Iain Dickinson, y’know him got Moira Grierson pregnant, or more like Moira is SAYING got her pregnant cause it’s aye better if folk think it was a good-looking guy. Well you know ah went out wi him for a few month?

  Kay nodded, but serious, without the New Year Dance look Fionnula per-usually got.

  Well Manda hud always told me she’d been wi him. Turns out in third year she took off her shirt to show him her tits an he went all red an walked away. That was it, Iain swore!

  I can believe it. All talk.

  Fionnula nodded but slowly, as if she realised she’d gone a bit far and to the wrong person. She coughed an repositioned herself on the stool, looked at her cigarette’s dwindling progress.

  Where are they all?

  In some club where there’s music or that for Kylah.

  Where is it?

  Ah don’t know, Grassmarket or Haymarket, some fuckin thing.

  Grass? Hay? What’s the difference? Kay shrugged, an both the girls flopped into the laughings again.

  Could I mooch another cigarette?

  God almighty Miss Clarke, yur dad’s a doctor; bad for you!

  There’s a machine over there.

  On ya go am just joking ya.

  I’ll pay.

  It’s you’s the dark horse round these parts, putting away the drinks twenty to the dozen an puffing away there!

  Kay counted out three pound coins an slid them to Fionnula. Fionnula got up offof the stool, walked with the coins in one hand, the other hand by her side, cigarette jutting straight out her lipstick; a wee bit on the unsteady side there as she approached the machine that sat on the ground where the dark, mirrored wall led in on the eating area. The old couple looked up an Fionnula deliberately swung round, squinted, crouching a bit to show a long side of leg, whipped her hand up the mouth an flicked her cigarette back down there, rested on the thigh, at the horizontal, a cigarette held by two blue, nail-varnished fingers. She wobbled a once, took a coin between two fingers an put it in the slot. The coin fell to the stone floor an she waddled after, dropped, rose again an circled back to the machine. Again, as she fumbled, the clumsy coin between her longest-nailed thumb and curved forefinger, it seemed to refuse to enter, jumped to the floor but this time rolled, swung out wide across the floor of the restaurant. Fionnula stumbled after as the coin doublebacked on itself then vibrated to a halt under a chair. The chair horked an squeaked as she jerked the back of it an retrieved the coin. Again Fionnula approached the machine, her hand out in hope, aimed toward the slot area. As she came close she halted, squinted at the machine, took a few canny steps, thrust out to the slot and her hand seemed to slide to the side.

  Helloo there!

  Miss? Poor girl must have impaired sight.

  Slowly, Fionnula revolved.

  The old greyhead came uprising above the table, folding his napkin and dropping it on his seat.

  Oh Christ, Fionnula murmured.

  Miss, that’s the reflection! The actual vending machine is behind you.

  Oh. Thanks. Behind Fionnula, in an alcove was the actual cigarette machine, casting its reflection onto the blackish wall. She lunged toward it, hurried the coins in an punched the icon, muttering, Fuckfuckfuckfuck. Then she was tottered back up the corridor, round the corner of the bar.

  When she got back to where Kay was, there were two large, bulbous, sweating gin and tonics on the bar.

  Okay?

  Aye, Fionnula began unpeeling the cigarette cellophane, looking a bit daunted at the gin. Kay was sip-sipping down at her own, sorta leaning over it an sip-sipping, or more sup-supping like as you would to a soup, an onion soup. Or broth, Fionnula thought an says, Ah mean ah know ah’ve been teasing at her an am no cliping about those things but …

  We’re all insecure Fionnula, even you.

  Fionnula grinned down at the gin, No sure am geared up for this.

  Just as well the others aren’t here. Your image an that.

  Look Kay, there’s no need to be mean just cause youre getting pissed. We’ve been drinking all the way down then at Rest & Be Thankful we got these Yank tourists to fill up a litre bottle coke wi a half bottle Southern Comfort we all went parters on. Dead funny, we were smoking in the gents toilets an these ancient old ones were bursting outside, they had a cam corder an everything, an they went, filmed us, telling stories. The others made me tell the one about you an the thread that exam day an stuff.

  Mysterious an slow-spoke, Kay goes, You do not believe this is the first bar I’ve been in today, do you?

  Fionnula could only look at her.

  Kay says, I’m only joking about your image. See, you’re insecure as well.

  Ah never says that ah wasn’t insecure.

  So you are?

  Aren’t you?

  Course, but what have you got to be insecure about?

  Just. The Perpetual.

  Perpetual what?

  Perpetual … everything. Ach what’s ‘insecure’? Eh? A word out ah Cosmopolitan. It’s just another word for ‘scared’. Ahm scared Kay, just like you probably are, scared about what I am, where am going, what job, if ah ever get one, ahm going to do, wondering if it’s possible to plan anything in a life anymore. Am ah ever going to get out the Port? Who will ah get married to, if ah ever do, she smirked an looked at Kay.

  Despite all the folk looking up to you? You’re most popular in the school.

  It isn’t Heathers Kay, an there’s nae Christian Slaters in the Port for sure. The boys are mainly groats, and stupid ones. Girls don’t look up to me an even if they did, that doesn’t mean I can’t have doubts about masel. Ma looks or whatever.

  Kay pretend-spluttered her gin, You’re gorgeous Fionnula! You’re really, really pretty.

  Fionnula fiddled with her cigarette, nipped a nod of her head an goes, You’ve got better knees than me, an smiled.

  Kay did this amazing thing, where she put her head right back, let out a long noise, no a laugh, a sorta cross between a sound of pleasure and a saddest sigh, Well I regret it, but I look up to you.

  She’s beautiful, came bulging into Fionnula’s head an she says, I don’t know why.

  You were fairly confident ordering about Ana-Bessie and I this morning.

  But that’s cause everyone was wanting back for the slow dances at the Mantrap.

  Kay nodded an kind of smirked, let out a big sigh an sudden, goes, Excuse me, can you make a vodka with tomato juice?

  In a sorta piss-taking jump, the barmaid was at them, Vodka AND tomato juice, you mean a Bloody Mary?

  The two schoolgirls looked at each other an grinned.

  Anything Mary is meant to suit us.

  Ever see that band Diesel Mary and Her Air Brakes? Used to play out the Barn.

  No, says Kay, with the finality that circumscribed years, till recently, when she never went out at all.

  You guys are drinking a LOT. It wasn’t a reprimand; it was even an encouragement, Now I don’t make vodka and tomato juice, I make Bloody Mary which is totally different. She began gathering in various bits an pieces, two glasses, filled with three blocks ice each, The amazing thing about Bloody Mary is, it can be drunk at any time during the day, it’s neither a night drink, like … a Manhattan, that can only be drunk at night, nor is it a lunchtime-only drink, like (she sprinkled pepper onto the ice then doused it in a quick twist of lemon juice, a single lemon seed adhered inside one glass so she fished it off with a teaspoon), well, extra dry Martini, Martini should really only be drunk at lunch. Usually, Bloody Mary is a morning drink, a good morning drink, so you’re a little late.

  We’ll remember though.

  Fionnula leaned over the bar, You, are the barmaid from heaven.

  Why, thank you, holding both glasses in one hand she lifted them to the vodka bottles an twisted her head to them, Large ones? Yes. She dispensed the vodka, swung round and quickly sloshed in the Lea & Perrins, You’ll hear folk say, ‘Worcester’ sauce … even Englishmen.

  Typical, Fionnula nodded, sharp.

  It’s Worcestershire sauce, though, and unlike Scottish Bluebell matches, which are made in Hampshire, it still is made in Worcester, a flavouring of tamarinds and anchovies, if the truth be known, I’m working quickly, because you don’t want the ice to melt. Now this is the secret ingredient, she canted backwards to grab a black bottle, A touch of Tio Pepe to smooth out and enrichen the drink. I can tell you’re ten-drop-girls when it comes to the tabasco and now (she violently shook the two bottles tomato juice, threw herself into popping the tops), whatever happens, even with the largest one, you should be unable to taste the vodka, only the condiments. No! Not the condoms.

  Both girls laughed.

  The condiments alone. She poured in the tomato juice, stirred with her own stirrer, popped in a cocktail stick to each glass, Now I’m sorry, what’s your name?

  Fionnula.

  And yours?

  Kay.

  Right Fionnula, as she spoke, she sprinkled a rust background of pepper on stirred surfaces of the drinks then using the solitary pour hole on the end of the cellar they’d had for tequilas, she inscribed a white F and a white K in salt, I’m afraid, I’m going to have to ask you to drink these up before you resume work on those gin and tonics. Here, you won’t get them mixed up.

  Lo and behold, Fionnula stared.

  Of course, how could we not! Kay lifted the K drink to her lips, touched aside the cocktail stick for ease of access, took a sip, Ahh yum!

  Fionnula fired down a good ration the spooker, looked at the older woman an goes, It’s juss … art. Here let me pay for once Kay, Fionnula leaned down to get her backpack.