“Good idea.” David finished the soup, ever conscious of his daughter’s watchful gaze, how her eyes flitted back and forth from him to the four empty gallon bottles of vodka on the floor.

  When he was done eating, he smiled. “Want to snuggle?” he asked her. “It would help us keep warm.”

  “You mean in here?” Eden glanced at the messy bed and wrinkled her nose again.

  David nodded. “I guess it doesn’t smell too good, huh?”

  Eden pressed her lips together into a thin line and shook her head; he could tell she didn’t want to say anything that might hurt his feelings. They never talked about his disappearing acts into the studio, why he shut himself away. He wasn’t sure he could find the words.

  David sighed. “Well, how about I come into the house and get cleaned up then? We can snuggle after that.”

  She grinned. “Okay. I made cookies, too, but I left them in the house.”

  “Sneaky girl. There’s incentive if I ever heard it.” He chuckled, the first amusement he’d felt in days. He was a little amazed he remembered how to smile.

  He slipped on his tennis shoes and went into the house, happy that Lydia was at work. He knew she hated leaving Eden alone with him when he was like this, but with no school and no money to pay a babysitter, she didn’t really have a choice. At least, not until he sold a painting. He moved slowly, but at least he was moving. Stepping inside felt foreign to him, like he was returning from a long trip. Everything looked a little unfamiliar.

  After his shower, he came downstairs to find Eden in the living room on the couch. There was a plate of cookies on the coffee table, along with a tall glass of milk. She patted the cushion next to her.

  “Want to watch TV?” she asked.

  “Nah, let’s talk instead.” He sat down next to her and pulled her into his arms. She snuggled into his chest and he leaned down to breathe her in. He stroked her hair and she released a heavy sigh.

  “Tell me the story of how you and Mom met,” she said.

  David closed his eyes. “You’ve heard it a thousand times.”

  “I don’t care. I like it. I want to hear it again. Please?” She hugged him with all her might.

  “Oomph!” he exclaimed, and his eyes popped back open. “Okay, okay. I give up. I’ll do it!” He felt her smile against him.

  “Do you want a cookie first?” she asked. “They’re chocolate chip.”

  “With nuts?”

  “No nuts.”

  “Because we’re nutty enough already?” he teased.

  Eden didn’t respond and he felt her stiffen a bit in his arms. He wondered if Eden thought he was crazy. Or maybe someone had told her he was. Or that she was, because she was his daughter. The thought of her enduring this made his heart ache.

  “I’ll have one in a little bit, Bug,” he said. “I’m still full.” He sighed. “Let’s see. Your mom fell in love with me the minute she saw me.”

  “Daddy! No, she didn’t!”

  “Oh, right. I forgot. Sorry.” He paused, unsure if he felt up to going back in time. But Eden asked for so little. And considering his behavior over the past few weeks, he owed her. He was in the spot he rarely reached anymore: not too high, not too low. He’d better take advantage of the time while he could. They settled in and he told the story the way he knew she loved to hear it.

  “I was seventeen the day I first saw her,” he said. “I was sketching portraits down on the waterfront trying to make enough money to get my own apartment. I’d been living at my grandmother’s house since my parents died and my welcome was wearing thin.”

  “Your parents died in a car crash,” Eden said.

  “Yes, they did.” They abandoned me, David thought, but then immediately redirected his attention to continuing the story. “So I went to live with my grandmother. But she had already raised her children and got sick of me eating her out of house and home pretty quickly.”

  “Like I do,” Eden said, interrupting. “I have the same appetite as you, Mom says.”

  “Yes, you do. Now, shush. It was a hot day in August and your mother was with a few of her friends. One of them dared her to come over and ask me to sketch her. She was wearing a peasant blouse and cutoff jean shorts and had the most beautiful skin and the longest, thickest blond hair I’d ever seen. I called her Rapunzel, which made her very angry. She got these two perfect red circles on her cheeks. I thought she was adorable. I couldn’t wait to sketch her.”

  “Why did it make her angry when you called her Rapunzel?”

  David took a deep breath and blew it out before answering. He tried not to think about the irony of what he was about to say. “Because she didn’t want me to think she needed to be saved.”

  “Oh.”

  “So, anyway, I did the sketch, and it turns out she didn’t have enough money to pay for the picture and her bus fare home. And what did I tell her?”

  “You told her she could have the sketch for free if you could take her out on a date.” Eden knew this story by heart. “And she said yes because you had the kindest eyes she’d ever seen. But she didn’t tell you that until later.”

  “Well, yes, that’s true. But she also said yes because she knew it would tick her father off.” David nudged Eden. “Your mom is a bit of rebel, you know. Her parents were very strict, so dating a hippie artist such as myself was her way of proving the point that she could do whatever she wanted.”

  “You were a hippie?”

  “Well, not an actual hippie. But I had long hair and wasn’t going to be a lawyer or some other straitlaced professional, so that was enough for your grandpa to take issue with me.” David remembered how Lydia told him that their love was strong enough to withstand her father’s disapproval. How she said it was strong enough to withstand anything. Neither of them could have imagined him plunging to such depths. That he would cheat on her, yell at her, accuse her of trying to kill his creative genius with tiny white pills. She never considered the possibility she would end up putting him in a mental ward when he couldn’t stop talking about wanting to die.

  “But he liked you eventually, right? Before he died?”

  “No, sweetie. He didn’t. But your mom loved me, and that was enough.” For a while, it was enough. David longed for those days filled with tender looks and touches from his wife. Images flashed in his brain: the two of them dancing in the kitchen while the dinner he’d made her simmered on the stove; brushing the tangles from her long blond hair before bed; the tears sparkling in her eyes when he unveiled the first portrait he’d painted of their infant daughter. Back when Lydia was his muse and he was her rebellious hero.

  Now he closed his eyes again. Fatigue rushed over him. The lithium he had taken before his shower coursed through his blood; the world took on a familiar but fuzzy filter. This was the prologue to becoming a stranger to himself. “You know the end of the story, don’t you? Why don’t you finish it?”

  Eden twisted her face up toward his and he willed his eyes open and gave her a smile. “C’mon,” he said. “I always tell the ending. It’s your turn.”

  “Well,” Eden recited, “you went on a date to the park. You didn’t have a lot of money so you walked there with a picnic basket and a blanket. You found a tree big enough for shade and you talked for hours. You fell in love with the way she slapped both of her hands over her mouth when she laughed at your jokes because she was embarrassed that her front teeth were a little crooked. She fell in love with the way you talked with your hands and pulled hers away from her mouth so you could see her smile.”

  “And then what?” David asked.

  “You kissed her,” Eden said.

  “And what else?”

  “You got married and had me.” Her voice was quiet. David held his breath, waiting for her to finish the story. When she didn’t, he leaned down and rested his head against hers.

  “And we lived happily ever after,” he whispered, hoping that somehow he could find a way to make those words come true.

  October 2010

  Eden

  My heart fluttered when I arrived at Hope House the Tuesday afternoon after my initial visit. I was more nervous than I thought I’d be to start my volunteer work with the homeless community, a little scared to be so up close and personal with how my father had been living for the majority of the past twenty years. I had to take several deep breaths to calm my pulse before walking into the building. I’d agreed to be there by two o’clock to help cook the evening meal.

  Jack had left me a message on Sunday instructing me to dress casually in jeans, a sweatshirt, and comfortable shoes. Working as a chef, I always wore comfortable shoes—much to Georgia’s chagrin, of course, since the woman lived in three-inch heels to lengthen what she jokingly referred to as her “stubby legs”—but it had been a while since I’d been in a kitchen without my chef’s coat. It felt a little strange to know I wouldn’t be wearing it.

  I did my best to swallow any apprehension I felt as I walked through the front doors and back to the office I’d been in Friday night. There were a few men in the hallway standing in groups of two or three. A couple of them made eye contact and nodded in acknowledgment as I moved past, but mostly, they ignored me. I searched their faces out of habit—none of them were my father.

  “Hey there,” Jack said, looking up with a big smile when I rapped on the open door. He sat at the desk he apparently shared with Rita. “Right on time. I wasn’t sure you’d show.”

  “Why wouldn’t I?” I asked. He wore jeans and a long-sleeved thermal shirt the same color green as his eyes.

  “I get people volunteering all the time.” He shrugged, looking a little sheepish. Maybe he realized his words rubbed me the wrong way again. “‘Oh yeah, I’d love to help,’ they say. ‘Just tell me what you need.’ Then the time comes and it doesn’t fit into their schedule or whatever. And I never see them again.” He smiled and said, “I’m glad that’s not you.”

  “Me too.” I shifted my weight from my right foot to the left and stuck my hands in the front pockets of my jeans. “What do you need me to do?”

  Jack stood up, came over, and rested his palm lightly on my lower back. “I’ll show you. Rita’s already in the kitchen.”

  “What are we serving?” I asked. We left the office and moved into the hallway.

  “Scalloped potatoes with diced ham.”

  “What about a veg?”

  Jack stopped and looked puzzled.

  “Oh, sorry. Restaurant speak. Vegetables.”

  “Ah. Well, if we can sneak those in somewhere we will, but for the most part, we’re not dealing with salad fans here. They need a hot, filling meal. Sometimes it’s the only one they’ll get for a few days.”

  “Okay.” I considered my ravenous appetite and how terribly I’d fare on one meal a day, if I was lucky enough to find it. I had no idea how my father managed to survive. Of course, I still didn’t know whether he had.

  I followed Jack the rest of the way down the hall and through a room about the size of a basketball court. The room was filled with wall-to-wall cots. We walked a narrow path and I tried not to wrinkle my nose at the musty, sweaty odor. I suddenly found myself fighting back the bitter, painful memory of my father sleeping in our old garage. Oh Dad, I thought. Where are you?

  “How many people do you get spending the night?” I asked Jack.

  He looked at me over his shoulder. “It depends, but usually we can accommodate around fifty.”

  “Do you feed dinner to more than that?”

  He turned back to look where he was going. “We feed as many as we can until we run out of food.”

  “How often does that happen?”

  “Both nights we serve dinner. Right now we can only afford to do it on Mondays and Tuesdays. But the rest of the time we usually have things on hand like bread and cheese for sandwiches, and eventually I’d like to be providing a hot dinner seven days a week. We only get so many donations, you know?” He sighed, as though he was disappointed that he wasn’t doing more.

  I nodded, thinking about the absurd amount of waste that went on at my job. Even with the leftovers I sent home with Juan, there was always food thrown away. My budget consistently included a 10 to 15 percent write-off for excess supplies. How much of that could have been used to feed those who really needed it?

  We made our way through another doorway into the kitchen, an area about twenty feet square. There was an L-shaped counter running the length of two of the walls, a large stove and refrigerator on the third, and a wall full of cupboards on the fourth. It was about a tenth of the size of the kitchen I worked in at my job. Rita stood at the sink with four enormous sacks of russet potatoes lying next to her on the counter. The radio by the stove played a bass-heavy tune—the Black Eyed Peas, maybe? Rita smiled when she saw me. It lit up her entire pixie face.

  “Eden!” she said, continuing to peel the potato she held. “So happy you could make it!”

  “I’ll leave you in Rita’s capable hands,” Jack said. “I’ve got a ton of paperwork to do.”

  “Oh sure,” Rita said. “You just want to get out of potato-peeling duty. Again.”

  Jack laughed and put his hands on his hips with false indignation. “Come on, now. You’ll make me look bad to the new recruit.”

  “Don’t let him fool you,” Rita said to me. “He’s sneaky.”

  “Have fun, you two,” Jack said. He disappeared out the door.

  “He’ll be back soon,” Rita said. “I was just giving him a bad time. He’s great about multitasking around here. He cares too much not to be.”

  “I can tell,” I said, thinking of how protective he was about his clients’ privacy.

  “He’s actually a total softy. Just serious about what we do, you know? He put a lot on the line to get this place off the ground. It’s his baby.” She nodded toward the stove. “Can you make a sauce for the potatoes? There’s milk and cheese in the fridge.”

  “Sure,” I said, again noting her attire consisted of jeans and a snug black T-shirt, this one embellished with the phrase runs with scissors. It felt a little odd to be the one in the kitchen taking orders instead of giving them, but I reminded myself that I didn’t go there to be in charge. I pulled one of the aprons off the wall and put it around my neck. “Anything special I need to be aware of in how you like things prepared?”

  “We don’t put nuts in anything in case someone is allergic, but other than that, have at it. I have complete faith in you. Jack tells me you’re a professional.”

  “Yeah, cooking is pretty much what I live for.”

  “Really? I live for sex.” She widened her dark brown eyes and gave me a suggestive, sideways grin.

  I laughed. “Well, I like to sprinkle a little of that in where I can, too. Though it helps if you have a partner.”

  “A pretty gal like you doesn’t have a boyfriend?”

  I shook my head as I tied the apron strings behind my back. “That is very sweet of you to say, but nope. Not at the moment.”

  “You’ll have to let me do your chart. I’ll figure out when Mr. Right will show up.”

  “You do astrology?”

  Nodding, Rita set a potato on the cutting board and began to slice it. “What’s your sign?”

  “Libra.”

  “Oooh, the scales.” Rita set her knife down and rubbed her hands together conspiratorially. “You’re all about love, then. And balance.”

  “Well, I’m rarely balanced,” I said, and she laughed. “Where are the pots and pans?”

  Rita directed me to the correct cupboard and I began to build the sauce with a roux. They had margarine instead of butter, so I crossed my fingers, hoping the right chemical reaction would take place in order to thicken the sauce. The music filled the silence and we fell into a comfortable pace of my asking for guidance to find what I needed and Rita telling me where to look.

  After about half an hour, the sauce was coming together. Just as I was putting in the shredded cheese, a man with dirty blond dreadlocks stuck his head in through the doorway.

  “What’s for dinner?” he asked. He was gaunt and had black smudges on his face. “Smells good in here.”

  “None of your beeswax, Saturn,” Rita said playfully. She set the bowl of sliced potatoes she’d been carrying onto the counter, then stood on her tiptoes to reach for a bag of pink and white frosted animal cookies. She opened it and handed a few to the man. “Now, this is our little secret, right? Don’t go telling everybody or I’ll run out and won’t be able to give you any more.”

  “Would I do that to you, Rita? I think not.” He jutted his chin over toward me. “Who’s she?”

  She rubbed the man’s arm and smiled. “That’s Eden. She’s a bona fide chef, my friend.”

  “Nice to meet you,” I said, continuing to stir the sauce on the stove.

  He looked wary but nodded in acknowledgment.

  “You better not miss what she’s cooking up for you,” Rita said. “Now, scoot so I can get back to work!” He left, and Rita came over and dipped a spoon into the sauce. “Mmm. Tasty. We need to get the water boiling for the potatoes.”

  “We can pour the sauce right on the raw slices,” I said. “As long as they’re thin enough, they’ll cook in the oven just fine. How many baking pans are there?”

  “We can fit four in the oven at a time. Dinner is served at six, so that gives us about three hours to cook it all. Does that sound doable to you? I usually just boil the potatoes and pour the sauce over them.”

  “I think they taste better in the oven,” I said. “With the edges and top all browned and crisped up?”

  “Oh yeah. Just like Mom used to make.” Rita patted her flat belly appreciatively.

  I laughed. “Not my mom. I get my culinary passion from my father, for sure. He taught me a lot of the basics.” My voice quavered. I swallowed hard to keep the muscles in my throat from closing up.

  Rita set her spoon down and gave me an unexpected hug. She was surprisingly powerful for her petite frame. When she pulled back, she kept her hands on my arms and looked me straight in the eyes. “You are a wonderful daughter for trying to find him, Eden. All about the love, like I said. Your life feels out of balance without him.”