“What?” I asked, when he kept looking at me. “Do I seem like I need therapy?”

  “Oh god, one hundred percent yes,” he said with a hint of a smile.

  I laughed. “You sound like Maddie.”

  “Maddie says everyone needs therapy. And she’s right, by the way.”

  “Maddie’s right about everything,” I said with a grin. “Just ask her.”

  My phone dinged with an email alert, and I looked down at it. I felt my smile vanish at the sight of his name on my screen.

  Julian Montgomery

  Subject: Please

  “What?” Edan asked. “Hey.” His tone softened, his hand landing gently on mine. “What is it?”

  I started to say it was nothing, but I could tell that it was too late. His eyebrows were drawn together in concern. He could see something was wrong.

  I hadn’t said it to Maddie, but the reason I hadn’t told the rest of the team about Julian emailing me was because of Edan. He’d been in bad shape after Grayson’s death, and I couldn’t bring myself to make it worse.

  And, honestly, I’d wanted to talk about something—anything—other than Julian with Edan. The beginning of our friendship revolved around him, and I could always feel the weight of Julian hanging over our heads. I took a deep breath.

  “It’s an email from Julian,” I said softly. “He’s been sending me a lot of emails.”

  He reeled back, clearly startled, and pulled his hand from mine. “He’s been sending you a lot of emails.” He repeated the words slowly.

  “Since not long after he left. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I didn’t tell anyone but Maddie.”

  “What has he been emailing you about?”

  “Apologies, mostly. Sometimes he just updates me on his life. Tells me he’ll always be there for me.” I made a face. “That he doesn’t hold a grudge, and he hopes we see each other again one day. I’ve never responded,” I added quickly, and turned my phone for him to see. “Do you want to see my inbox? I can show you that I never responded. I just—”

  “Clara.” He put his hand over mine again, gently pushing the phone down. “I don’t need proof. I believe you.”

  “Right.” His hand was warm on my mine, and I almost reached for it when he pulled it away. I would have liked to hold his hand right now.

  “I did sort of want to respond, a couple times, to be honest. Especially at first. I still had all these leftover romantic feelings for him mixed in with fear and sadness back then, and I hated how it made me feel.”

  “And now?” he asked.

  “Definitely no more romantic feelings.” My short relationship with Julian felt like a memory of someone else’s life. Some other girl had been that sad, crying mess who fell for him. “Fear and anger still, sure. Especially after seeing him today.”

  “Sure.” He stared out at the city, his expression unreadable. “Why didn’t you tell anyone but Maddie?”

  I could hear the actual question—why didn’t you tell me?—and I lowered my gaze. I should have told him. It was a glaring omission, considering how many hours we’d spent on this balcony, talking about everything else.

  “It just . . . seemed like it would upset everyone,” I finally said.

  He nodded, his gaze still anywhere but on me.

  “I’m sorry,” I said. “I should have told you.”

  “It’s OK.” He finally looked at me with a smile that didn’t seem genuine. I wasn’t sure if it actually was OK. When Edan got mad or upset, he just retreated into himself or ran away. We had that in common.

  “Uh, I could read it to you,” I offered, trying to smooth things over. “The email he just sent. Do you want to hear what he has to say?”

  “If you don’t mind, yeah.”

  I glanced at him with a wry smile. “I think it would actually infuriate Julian if he knew that I was reading you his email.”

  “It really would,” he said with a laugh. Some of the tightness in my chest loosened.

  I opened the email. It wasn’t very long. He’d sent me a few rambling ones, but this one was only a few lines. “Clara,” I began, reading his words aloud. “Please talk to me. I honestly don’t know what to do now that my parents are gone. They were all I had left. I know that I made mistakes in the past—we both have—but I really wish we could at least talk. We only got a few minutes today, and I have so much more to say. I miss you and I really need you right now. I know that our relationship was brief, but I can’t help thinking that we were destined to meet, and I honestly never fell as hard for a girl as I did for you. I know that you felt our connection too, and I know that I ruined it, but I really wish you could find it in your heart to forgive me. Please send me an email or a text or anything. I really need you right now.”

  I lowered the phone. Edan’s expression was pained.

  “Christ, that almost made me feel bad for him,” he said.

  “I know. There are a couple more emails that are like this, actually. Where he tells me he doesn’t have anyone, and he desperately needs to talk to me. His parents’ death is just an excuse, as terrible as that sounds.” I paused. “I really am sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.”

  “You don’t have to apologize. I’m glad you told Maddie, at least. I wouldn’t want you to have to deal with that alone.”

  I smiled at him, but he was already standing, his gaze on the door.

  “I think I’m going to try and get some sleep.”

  “Oh. OK.”

  “I’ll see you tomorrow, Clara.”

  6

  Edan looked more tired than ever the next day. He skipped our morning workout, and when he emerged from his room for our assignment that afternoon, he had dark circles beneath his eyes. His steps were sluggish as he shrugged on his weapons pack.

  I was standing outside my door, and he caught me watching him. “I’m fine,” he said wearily.

  “I didn’t say anything!”

  “You’re looking at me weird.”

  Dorsey emerged from their room, pulling the door shut behind him. “Her expression is because you look like someone hit you with a car, backed up, hit you again, and then leaned out the window and punched you in the face.”

  “Thanks,” Edan said dryly. I tried not to laugh.

  “I’d tell you to get back in bed, but apparently no one wants my opinion.” Dorsey gave Edan a meaningful look and then turned to me. “He won’t take his sleeping pills.”

  “It’s dangerous!” Edan said. “I can’t be all groggy and disoriented if scrabs start attacking in the middle of the night. Or worse, not wake up at all.”

  “I think you could still fight off scrabs half asleep,” I said. He smiled. “But we’ll come get you and, like, shove you in a closet or something if you don’t wake up during a scrab attack.”

  “That’s what I said!” Dorsey exclaimed. “I offered to throw him over my shoulder, though.”

  “You do not have the strength to throw me over your shoulder,” Edan said.

  “Rude,” Dorsey said.

  “I’ll think about it,” Edan said. “I just don’t like the idea of you guys having to take care of me if something happens.”

  “Yes, heaven forbid we ask for help with anything,” Dorsey said, rolling his eyes before walking away.

  I watched Dorsey disappear into the stairwell and then turned back to Edan. “That was a slight exaggeration, if it makes you feel better. You only look like they hit you with the car once.”

  “Hilarious.”

  “I was talking to Laila and Priya recently about how we all need a break. And I think that especially applies to you.”

  “Probably.” He ran a hand down his face.

  “No one wants to desert the team, so maybe we can all take a break together?”

  The door next to me opened, and Patrick stepped out of his room, giving me a concerned look. Maybe he’d heard our conversation. Noah followed him out, smiling at us before they both headed toward the stairs.

  “Maddie will never go for it,” Edan said as they walked away.

  “I can try. I mean, even Dorsey is worried about you. Don’t you think that there might be something wrong if even that guy is concerned?”

  He looked amused. “You clearly don’t know Andrew at all. He is constantly hounding me about whether I’ve taken my meds and talked to my therapist and how much I slept last night.”

  “Seriously?”

  “He’s like the parent I never had. Which I told him to try and get him to back off, but I think it just encouraged him.”

  I laughed. “Take the sleeping pills, OK? If Dorsey can’t carry you by himself, I’ll help him.”

  He smiled. “OK.”

  I pushed open the stairwell door. The rest of the team was already waiting in the lobby, and we walked out and headed toward the tube station. Patrick and Noah appeared on either side of me.

  “Hey, what did you mean about us all taking a break together?” Noah asked. “We heard you say that to Edan.”

  “He’s just been pretty run-down lately. We all are. A break might be a good idea.”

  “Edan can certainly take a break if he wants, but we can’t all go together,” Patrick said.

  “Why not?” I asked.

  “We don’t have enough people as it is,” Patrick said. “We’re one of the best teams, and we’ve got the new recruits out there now too.”

  “And I have several of our team members lined up to start training people,” Noah said.

  “One person can go,” Patrick said. “All eight of us is out of the question.”

  “You guys know we can’t keep this up forever, right?” Exasperation crept into my voice. “Everyone is overworked and overtired.”

  “We’re just in a rough patch,” Patrick said.

  “Things will get better once we up recruitment,” Noah said. “I have some ideas.”

  Patrick slung an arm around my shoulder. “In the meantime, what about massage therapists? I was thinking of asking Maddie to spring for a few.”

  I sighed. I didn’t think a few massages were going to help, but I supposed it couldn’t hurt. “I’m sure she’d be fine with that.”

  * * *

  We took the train to north London. There were already several teams milling around the sidewalks, about fifty recruits total in the area.

  “You detected big movement today?” I asked Maddie as we crossed the street.

  “Eh, medium, probably,” she said, eyes on her tablet. “The army took out a bunch of this pack earlier this morning, so we’re just getting the leftovers. But I’ve got the new recruits out here, so I wanted plenty of backup.”

  I spotted a few of the new recruits right away, laughing and joking around outside a Starbucks. One of them didn’t have his leather armor already strapped to his arms, which was a mistake. There often wasn’t time to put it on once the scrabs started tunneling up. Especially when you were still getting used to wearing it.

  “Are you sure they’re ready?” I asked.

  “No less ready than our team was when we started,” she said with a shrug.

  That was what worried me. Grayson hadn’t provided nearly enough time for training. It was part of the reason we’d had so many causalities that first assignment in Paris. We’d managed to squeak by after that just because of the sheer number of recruits, but we didn’t have even half as many these days.

  “They’ll be fine,” Maddie said, clearly reading my expression. “I’ll go check on them, OK?” She walked toward them, yelling at the one without his armor to put it on.

  I moved to an empty corner with Laila, stealing a glance at Edan. He was across the street with Dorsey, gaze distant, holding a cup of coffee. I wished I’d pushed harder for him to stay at the hostel. It couldn’t be safe for him to be fighting scrabs when he was so obviously exhausted.

  On the other hand, Edan was one of the best members of the team. One of the best recruits, period. Edan at half speed was probably still better than half of the people out here.

  “Movement!” Maddie yelled suddenly.

  I pulled out my machete. Laila did the same with a sigh.

  “You all right?” I asked.

  “I was kind of hoping they’d change course today, honestly.” She gave me a half smile.

  I glanced past her to where Priya and Patrick were pulling their weapons out. Priya noticed my gaze and widened her eyes in an expression I could only describe as this shit again, huh?

  A block away, the first scrab popped up, followed by several more. There were only a few, and I waited until one popped up closer to me to take a swing.

  I drove my blade into the scrab’s side and Priya jumped forward to swipe hers across its neck. We moved back as it fell. Priya bumped her fist against mine before taking off down the street.

  I turned and spotted Saira a few yards away. The ground behind her was starting to break open, but she was turned away, focused on the scrab in front of her.

  I sprinted toward her. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw something flying toward me, and I barely ducked in time before it hit my head. It clattered to the ground. An ax. I cast a baffled glance over my shoulder.

  “Sorry!” a recruit yelled, flying past me. He scooped up the ax and kept running.

  I skidded to a stop behind Saira, catching the scrab behind her before it was fully out of the ground. I sliced my machete across its throat. It gurgled and slid back into its hole.

  Saira turned, catching a glimpse of the scrab as it disappeared into the ground. “Thanks,” she panted.

  I nodded, and then spun around, searching for the best place to help. Laila was nearby, but she had just killed a scrab. Priya and Patrick were at the end of the street, taking down two more.

  I heard a scream from behind me, and I turned to find one of the new recruits wildly swinging his machete at a scrab. Behind him, two civilians were trying to sneak into the Starbucks to escape the chaos, and I gasped as his blade barely missed them.

  I ran to them, whistling to try and get the scrab’s attention. It whirled around to face me.

  “Move away from the building!” I yelled at the recruit, who was still wildly swinging his machete. “Watch out for civilians!”

  The scrab turned back to him, and the recruit swung again. His blade caught the woman behind him, ripping across her arm. She screamed.

  The recruit froze, horror dawning on his face as he saw the blood. The scrab lunged at him. I dove forward, but I was too late; the recruit was already dead in between the scrab’s teeth. I drove my blade into its neck, and it dropped the recruit and toppled to the ground. The sobbing woman ran into Starbucks.

  I looked down at the dead recruit and then quickly away, letting out a soft curse. A familiar face was watching me from not far away. Julian.

  He stood half a block away, weapons in both hands. Our eyes met, and he lifted the hand with the machete in greeting. I spread my arms, silently asking him what he was doing here. He actually laughed in response, and then lifted both weapons to indicate that he was fighting scrabs. I rolled my eyes and turned away.

  Edan and Dorsey were on the other end of the street. Edan had just killed a scrab, and he was shaking blood off his machete. As I watched, another scrab barreled out of the hole a few yards behind him. Edan didn’t turn.

  “Edan!” I yelled.

  He whirled around just in time, barely missing scrab claws. He stumbled back, losing his footing and tumbling to the ground.

  I broke into a run. The scrab lunged, and Edan wasn’t on his feet again yet. He scrambled across the concrete, swinging his machete. His back hit a wall. He was cornered.

  The scrab snapped its teeth, barely missing taking off a chunk of his leg. It reared back, preparing to swing a giant claw at Edan. My heart stopped.

  Dorsey dove for the scrab, aiming his machete at the claw headed for Edan. The scrab noticed just in time, turning and whacking Dorsey instead. He gasped, stumbling back but managing to stay on his feet.

  Edan jumped up and killed the scrab with one swipe across its neck. He grabbed Dorsey’s arm as I skidded to a stop beside them.

  “Are you OK?” Edan asked, eyes wide as he looked Dorsey up and down. There was no blood.

  “Yeah,” Dorsey wheezed. “It was backhand. Just took the air out of me.”

  Edan dropped Dorsey’s arm, letting out a relieved sigh. “Good.” He turned to survey the area. We’d cleared the immediate area of scrabs, but there were some down the block. Edan pointed at them. “I’m going to go—”

  “No, you’re not,” Dorsey interrupted. “Go back to the van.”

  Edan blinked. “What?”

  “Go back to the van. You’re barely awake, and you’re going to get yourself killed.”

  “No, I—”

  “Edan!” Dorsey raised his voice sharply. “We’ve got this. Go back to the van.”

  Edan looked startled, but he nodded, then turned and practically bolted away from us. He was headed for the scrabs, not the van.

  “Dammit, Edan!” Dorsey called. He made an exasperated noise. “He always does that.”

  “What?” I asked, my eyes following Edan. He stopped to help Noah, which made me feel a little better. Noah would protect him.

  “Whatever he wants. He won’t even fight with me about it, he just nods and then carries on being an idiot.” He rolled his eyes. “I feel like it’s ruder to do that, you know? I’d rather he just stayed and yelled at—”

  A loud crashing noise cut him off. I turned to see a scrab busting out from the window of a store across the street. I could see another behind it, climbing from the hole they’d created in the middle of the shop.

  I caught Maddie’s eye and gestured at the scrabs to indicate we would take care of them. Dorsey was already on his way. She nodded.

  I remembered Julian suddenly, whom Maddie certainly hadn’t spotted yet, considering she didn’t look ready to murder anyone. I glanced over either shoulder as I broke into a run behind Dorsey. I spotted him in a crowd of recruits, watching me.