I quickly ripped the envelope open and read through the letter. “They’ve finalized the claim.”

  “Excellent,” she said and took the last bite of her eggs. Sitting back on the stool, she rubbed her hand over her stomach. “I won’t eat again for a week. That was really good, Jesse.”

  “No problem.”

  We turned at the same time at the familiar sound of Will coming down the stairs, and then he appeared in the doorway. He looked sleep ruffled and disoriented, wearing just a pair of jogging pants that rode dangerously low on his hips.

  “Hey, Mom,” he said, his voice rough. Then: “Coffee.”

  “It’s in the pot, you lazy goose,” Cara said with a smile.

  He pouted at her, scratched his head, and walked around us to the counter, yawning widely.

  “How did you sleep?” I asked.

  “Not great,” he muttered. Shrugged. “I’ll be fine.”

  Sometimes I felt so out of touch with the easy relationship Will shared with his mother. There was a silent communication between them, then he moved seamlessly into her embrace and rested his head on her shoulder as he cradled his mug in his hands.

  “Come on,” she told him after a moment. “If you go have a shower and get dressed, you can take Jesse out shopping for a new car.”

  “Yeah?” he asked. “Did the claim go through?”

  “We just had a letter this morning,” I said. “I don’t even know what I want.”

  For the previous few months, I’d been partly car sharing with Will and partly taking the bus. At first I’d hated being without my own car, but the Golf had been totaled in the accident, and I couldn’t afford to replace it until the insurance had gone through.

  As a reckless sort of treat for myself, I’d bought an iPad when I started taking the bus to work in the mornings. After some fiddling around, I’d loaded several books on there, plus my music and games and some movies. I could e-mail reports or documents to read during the journey too, saving me some time at the office if I was swamped.

  In a way, I was sort of nervous about taking the step to have my own car again. Even though I hadn’t been driving when the accident happened, I still had a feeling that I was cursed when it came to cars. I’d crashed the first car I drove (which happened to belong to my parents) just a week after passing my driving test, and my track record since then hadn’t been much better.

  “I have to get going anyway,” Cara said. Will took our dishes to the sink but came back to me this time.

  It was still unusual for us to be openly affectionate with each other, something that was killing me inside, but I knew it was necessary for our relationship not to rush things. So it was somewhat risky for me to rest my hand on his bare lower back—an innocent gesture, but a loaded one—when he paused next to my seat. He seemed to unconsciously lean into my touch, affirming that it was the right thing to do.

  If Cara noticed, she was discreet enough not to say anything, and too soon the moment was broken as Will walked her to the door. There was a flicker of something as he reached past me for his half-finished coffee; then he murmured something about a shower and left.

  Within the hour we were ready to leave the house. It was one of those early spring mornings when the air outside was still freezing but the sky was bright and clear. My favorite time of year.

  Will had been growing out some sort of scruffy beard, and it suited him, a gentle fuzz that spread across his jaw. He looked good, too good, in a long-sleeved T-shirt and thick knitted cardigan, with sunglasses to protect against the glare on the road. As his hand rested gently on the gear stick, I found it harder and harder not to just reach across and tangle my fingers with his.

  Once, something like that would have been so natural for us.

  “Where do you want to start?” he asked as we headed out of the city toward the dealerships. “Volkswagen?”

  “I’ve been thinking about getting an SUV, actually,” I said.

  “A soccer mom car?”

  He was teasing. I frowned at him, then poked my elbow in his ribs.

  “No, not a soccer mom car, you dick. Something with more room so we can fit our boarding stuff in the back rather than needing another roof rack.”

  It was a touchy subject and one we hadn’t really discussed yet. “Do you want to go boarding again?” he asked, taking the first step toward the difficult conversation.

  “Yeah,” I said with what I hoped was a degree of confidence. “It’s something we both enjoy, so there’s no reason not to. I mean, if it’s weird we can always try and get a bus or a train or something up to Vancouver, but it’ll be a pain in the ass.”

  “I know,” he said quietly as he watched the road. “I already looked into it.”

  “So you want to go again too?”

  He gave me a halfhearted sort of shrug. “Yeah, I suppose so. The snow season will be over soon, though. We might have to wait until November.”

  “We could always go up and go biking or something,” I said. “There would be less chance of bad weather then too.”

  A tiny muscle in his jaw twitched.

  “Are you okay?” I asked, my voice quiet.

  Silently, he signaled and pulled over to the side of the road. Once the engine was off he put, his head down on his hands, which were still gripping the wheel.

  “Will?”

  “I’m so fucking sorry, Jess.”

  I reached for his hair and ran my fingers through it, comforting us both. “Hey,” I said, softly scratching his scalp. “You know you don’t have anything to apologize for.”

  His response was a deep sigh.

  “Let’s not do this here,” I said, and he nodded, then turned his face against my hand to nuzzle into it. I let my palm rest on his cheek for a few moments, then pulled away.

  “So, Audi dealership first, then?” he asked.

  Suddenly everything was normal again. Getting used to massive changes in his mood was just part of living with the new post-accident Will.

  “SUVs, huh,” he said as we parked and walked around the lot first before we headed into the showroom. “Is this a good time to bring up children again?”

  He was joking, sort of, but I knew he wanted an answer.

  “You know Maddie’s pregnant,” I said.

  “Laura did say. I haven’t seen her in a long time, she always seems to be busy with the girls.”

  “It’s crazy.”

  “It’s… I don’t want to say fucked up because it clearly works for them, but I don’t know how it’s going to work. What about Carrigan and Sawyer? Are they going to try and raise the new baby as their brother or sister?”

  “I don’t know,” I said, shaking my head. “Maddie didn’t want to even keep the baby at one point. She talked about us adopting it.”

  He stopped short and stared at me. “What?”

  “Don’t worry, I said no.”

  “That’s not the point, Jesse,” he said, frowning. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  I stopped to look at a Q7. “Because it was when you were staying at your mom’s.”

  He was quiet for a moment, then he nodded. “Okay. Can we talk about this more later?”

  “Of course.”

  This was definitely new. It was okay, apart from the fact I felt like I was living a textbook-perfect relationship. I wanted him to lose control again. Preferably when I was caught up in a net of ropes.

  “Hey, guys,” the salesman said with a winning smile as we headed into the showroom. “Any idea of what you’re looking for?”

  I had taken him in and assessed him within seconds. Young, broad shoulders, probably not long out of college. He had the build of a sportsman, maybe baseball but more likely football. Clean-cut, all-American.

  I shot a quick look at Will, wondering if the guy who liked to tease and have fun was still in there. His hand was in mine before I had the chance to make a decision.

  “We’re looking for a family vehicle,” he announced.

  The winning smile dropped, just by a fraction.

  Behind a large desk, a woman more our age hid a snigger behind her hand.

  After careful consideration, I decided there wasn’t a car that day that appealed to me, but that didn’t matter so much as the progress I’d made in getting our relationship back.

  “Do you want to go grab something to eat?” I asked as we left. It was my turn to drive, which meant I could choose where we went. It was definitely a strategic move on my part.

  “Sure,” he said easily.

  For fairly obvious reasons, cars were slightly tense territory for us both. We hadn’t both been in one many times since Will’s leg had healed, but the lack of my own vehicle meant I was used to driving his now.

  I decided on a diner downtown that served enough of a variety that it wouldn’t be too difficult to find something that suited us both.

  We hit up another dealership on the way home—a used car place this time—but I still couldn’t find anything that made me delirious about spending several thousand dollars on four wheels, metal, and leather.

  Back home we hesitated at the door, not sure what the procedure was anymore. For the past few months, our routine had been for us to split our different ways, him to his part of the house, me to mine. I didn’t want that anymore, though. Despite having spent most of the day together, I wasn’t ready to be apart from him just yet.

  “Do you want to put a movie on?” he blurted.

  “Yeah,” I said, relieved, and went to collect sodas from the fridge.

  There wasn’t any popcorn in the cupboard, but I found a big bag of chips and split it down the side so we could snack. I folded my feet up underneath me on the sofa, and as we shuffled, getting comfortable, I found myself with my arm around his shoulder.

  “Today was good,” I said, trying to keep my tone light.

  Will hummed in what I recognized as deep, deep contentment. I felt rather than watched him turn his head to press his lips against my head and breathe in the smell of my hair. It was intimate in a way that I hadn’t felt intimacy from him in a long time.

  “I like dating you,” he said, and I laughed.

  “We never dated the first time round.”

  “Do you ever wish we’d done things the normal way?”

  “Nah.” I pulled back as I turned so I could see him properly. “Who knows if it would have worked out.”

  When the movie ended, I untangled myself from his arms and offered a vague smile in apology as I left the room for a shower.

  As the room filled with steam, I felt a growing sickness and unease in my belly. I knew where I wanted the evening to go, what I wanted for both of us now. We had been making these baby steps back to where we used to be, and I loved the growing sense of not just normality but of rekindling the love that I had so foolishly taken for granted.

  It took a lot of pacing back and forth in the bathroom, wearing boxers and a T-shirt and nothing else, to build up the courage to go to him. I had to make it soon or he’d go to the guest room again, and I really didn’t want that. In the end I forced myself to meet my own stern gaze in the mirror.

  “Come on, Ross. You can do this.”

  I took the stairs two at a time, and he clearly heard me—he was looking up as I skidded to a stop in the doorway.

  Will frowned. “Everything okay?” he asked.

  I nodded and whispered, “Come to bed.”

  His brow furrowed further. “Huh?”

  “Come to bed,” I said louder, clearer, and extended my hand to him.

  “Are you sure?”

  Oh hell yes, I was sure. I nodded and turned my hand palm up.

  He flicked the TV off with the remote and stood, then slipped his hand in mine.

  Neither of us was willing to make any assumptions as to where the night would lead us. When I shut the door behind him, Will drummed his fingers against his thighs as he waited for me. I wasn’t ready to make the first move. But he wasn’t going to do it for me.

  When I stepped up close to him, those long fingers stopped their tapping and gently gripped my hips. He smiled softly as I held his shoulders and pressed my face to his neck. He still smelled the same, right there, like Will and man and the stuff he used on his face and his shampoo.

  And then his lips were on my neck, completing the circle. So, so carefully kissing up to my jaw, to the corner of my mouth, then softly over my lips.

  My fingers stole into his hair.

  “Are you sure?” he murmured again, his thumbs rubbing back and forth over my hip bones.

  “I’m ready for this,” I said, my voice low but confident. “I want it. I want you. Please, Will….”

  It was familiar but not, this falling into bed with him, stripping off what was left of our clothes. Was it really months since we had done this? His skin, just so hot next to mine. His hands fitting wherever he put them on my body. They belonged there.

  I wasn’t sure if I’d find him hard when I brushed my fingers lower over his stomach, but he was—smooth and hard and ready. I wanted him in my mouth, inside me any way I could get him. To be as close as we possibly could.

  He made a little sound in the back of his throat as I curled my hand around him and stroked, gently at first, then firmer while his fingertips caressed my ass. I still needed the reassurance of his kisses, although not necessarily on my lips. They roamed to my ear, down my throat, settling featherlight on my nipples.

  We found a place where we were both comfortable, sharing deep, knowing kisses and the feel of each other’s skin. I was in love all over again with the taste of him, his familiarity and warmth.

  When he reached for the lube, I wanted to watch, nervous for a split second that he wanted me to top him. But no—he settled on his side and helped me spread my legs wide, one thrown over his hip. Will slowly circled my hole with one of his fingers, teasing and flickering while I forced his tongue to meet mine. Then he slipped his finger inside. Then another joined it.

  I was so ready I convinced myself I could take it raw, bare, dry. I gasped into his mouth as his fingers curled up and a third danced at my rim.

  “Do you want another?” he asked breathlessly. “Or the stretch?”

  “Yes,” I gasped. “Both. You.”

  His fingertips gently stroked my cheek. “Jesse. I don’t want to hurt you.”

  “Okay. Another finger.”

  Will seemed pleased with that and stretched me over his three fingers until I was in serious danger of coming before he even got inside me. Then he moved between my legs.

  Hesitated.

  “Do I need….”

  His eyes flickered to the nightstand where, once, a long time ago, we used to keep condoms.

  “No,” I said, shaking my head. “No. Unless you need to?”

  “I haven’t been with anyone else.”

  “Neither have I.”

  It was a gut-wrenching conversation.

  “I just want to keep us safe. I’m sorry if—”

  “Don’t worry,” I said, cutting him off. “I get it. But no one has been anywhere near me except you.”

  “I’m sorry,” he whispered again and leaned in to kiss me.

  Despite the fact that he’d annoyed me, I still wanted him. If there was anyone in the world who could bring reality crashing back down around me, it was Will. And he was only trying to protect me—in his misguided, clunky way.

  From the accident, to our time at home while we were both injured, to the time when Will was away and the weeks that he’d been back without us being intimate, it had been several months since we’d last had sex. The thought would have been almost inconceivable to both of us when we met, when I would sneak away from my girlfriend to have any part of him that he thought fit to give me.

  Although he was careful and hyperaware of my body as he breached it, I could feel the simmer underneath that spoke of the desperation we both felt. In that, I could forgive the sharp edges of pain as I was once again filled by him, knowing that somewhere inside him, the man that craved my body still existed.

  The rough sound of my breathing reached my ears, and I wondered why I was so desperate to be quiet. I let my throat release a long low moan as my hands scrabbled at his shoulders and biceps. Will soothed me with his lips and gentle kisses as we moved together, not elegant beasts but raw, rutting ones, desperate for our own release as much as bringing about each other’s.

  When he bit at my bottom lip, I felt the edges of my control begin to crumble and sobbed my orgasm into the curve of his shoulder. He shuddered over me and I clung to him, holding him through it.

  Afterward, his lips, his hands, fingertips were whisper light as they spread over my skin. I curled in on myself and Will curled himself around my spine, knowing all the places where we fit seamlessly together. He kissed over my shoulder to my ear, back down the column of my neck, and lingered over my pulse point. At the same time, he brushed my nipples with his fingers, then a flat palm ran down my ribs, knuckles tugged at the line of hair on my stomach.

  He needed to stop. I was starting to feel seasick.

  I took his hand in mine and stretched it around my body, pressed it to the skin above my heart, and held it there. His lips stilled on my shoulder, and I felt his deep exhale.

  In his arms, I slept.

  Chapter 14

  When Will announced to Dr. Smith, “We made love last night,” I was annoyed.

  What right did he have to share those kind of details about our love life with our therapist? Then again, I had come to learn that when you have a therapist, especially one who knows everything about your BDSM relationship, nothing is sacred and nothing is secret.

  Dr. Smith smiled. “You seem pleased about that.”

  “I am,” Will said. “It feels like another hurdle that we’ve overcome.”

  “Jesse?”

  “I don’t like thinking that we have hurdles to overcome,” I said, aware that I was frowning. “We’re just… us… you know?”