BABY, ONE MORE TIME

  CAMILLA ISLEY

  CONTENTS

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  Chapter 22

  Chapter 23

  Chapter 24

  Chapter 25

  Chapter 26

  Chapter 27

  Chapter 28

  Chapter 29

  Chapter 30

  Chapter 31

  Chapter 32

  Chapter 33

  Chapter 34

  Chapter 35

  Chapter 36

  Chapter 37

  Chapter 38

  Chapter 39

  Chapter 40

  Chapter 41

  Chapter 42

  Chapter 43

  Chapter 44

  Chapter 45

  Chapter 46

  Chapter 47

  Chapter 48

  Chapter 49

  Chapter 50

  Chapter 51

  Epilogue

  More from Camilla Isley

  Note from the Author

  Acknowledgments

  About the Author

  Also by Camilla Isley

  Love Notes

  About Boldwood Books

  To all women trying to get pregnant with IVF. I was there once myself struggling with all the fear and uncertainty of infertility. Whatever the reason you’re on this journey, I hope you have a positive, painless experience and that you get to hold a snuggly baby in your arms soon.

  I send you all my love and support, Camilla.

  1

  MARISSA

  Sixteen Years Ago – Prom Night

  A police officer escorts me to the front porch of my parents’ house, ringing the bell.

  It takes my sister a while to come to the door. Teresa must’ve been sleeping. The only saving grace of the night is her being home instead of my parents. They would’ve died of a heart attack seeing the police bring me home in the middle of the night.

  Still, the expression on Tessie’s face as she comes to the door shows she must be suffering a minor cardiac episode as well. Her sleep-puffy eyes are wide with fear, and even the unicorns on her pajamas seem dismayed.

  She takes in my tear-streaked face, dirty dress, the officer standing beside me, the flashing red and blue lights of the NYPD car in the driveway, and gasps. “What happened?”

  I fling myself at her. “Johnny left me.”

  My sister hugs me back, but her body is still rigid.

  “Is everything all right, officer?” I hear her ask in a mechanical voice.

  “Yes, just make sure your…”

  “Sister,” Teresa offers.

  “Your sister keeps out of trouble. Have a good night.”

  “Good night, officer, and thank you for bringing her home.”

  Teresa shifts in my arms, dragging me sideways with her to close the door.

  “What happened?”

  I shake my head, trying to contain the tears. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

  “Mari, you were just brought home by the police in the middle of the night. Can I at least ask why?”

  “Don’t worry, I’m not about to be indicted.” Being publicly humiliated is not a crime. “And I said I don’t want to talk about it.”

  “And what do you want to do?”

  I want to go back in time and join my parents on their cruise, skipping my senior prom altogether. Better even, I want to never fall in love with the boy next door.

  My heart squeezes because that’s not happening. No matter how brutally he rejected me tonight, that love is wedged deep into my heart and it’s not going anywhere.

  Oh, gosh. Johnny is gone. As the realization hits me anew, my pulse races out of control, my palms get sweaty, and a breath catches in my throat. I’m about to have a full-blown panic attack.

  To hide it from Teresa, I flee upstairs to my bedroom, seeking a safe place where I can break down undisturbed. But of course my sister follows me. Well, at least running up the stairs has staved off the onset of the panic attack, and as Tessie joins me in my room, I can sit on the bed without having to gasp for every breath.

  Teresa sits next to me, placing a comforting hand on my thigh. “What now?”

  “I honestly just want to sit on the couch, eat Doritos, and binge-watch unboxing videos on YouTube.” I sob, wiping my tears with my hands. My fingertips come back blackened. Mascara must be running down my cheeks in rapids, the makeup that cost me an arm and a leg at the mall, ruined.

  Teresa kicks her heels against the footboard of my twin bed. “Why unboxing videos?”

  “Because they’re soothing.”

  “Unboxing videos of what, anyway?”

  “Cat litter robots.”

  Teresa squeezes my hand. “Was the punch at school spiked?”

  “Yeah, I wish.” I stare at the walls of my bedroom, unable to focus on anything through the blur of tears. “After YouTube, I want to burn all his pictures, except I don’t have any because no one prints photos anymore. You have to code an app for an ex-boyfriend exorcism bonfire, Tessie. Can you do that?”

  My sister considers for a second. “That could actually be a valid business endeavor. An app that makes a facial-recognition scan of all the pics on your phone and deletes the ones with your ex. The technology is not quite there yet, but I bet a lot of gals would download it if it became available. What should we call it?”

  “Burn Your Ex? BurnEx? No, something more dramatic: the witches are burning you, you sorry excuse of a pathetic ex-boyfriend.”

  “That might be too long for an app, but we can work on it. Anything else on your post-breakup list?”

  I sniff. “No.”

  Teresa nods sagely. “And you want to do all that while still wearing your prom dress?”

  “Yes!”

  “Tonight?”

  “No, not tonight. Tonight, I’ll just cry myself to sleep in my room if that’s okay with you.”

  “Sweetheart, whatever you need.”

  On impulse, I hug her. “I’m glad Mom and Dad went on a cruise and that you’re with me instead.”

  Teresa pulls back to look at me. “They would’ve supported you just the same.”

  “Not if I had to explain where I was tonight.”

  “The Trents’ prom after-party like you told me, right?”

  “Not exactly.” I manage the first half-smile of the night. “And that’s why you’re the coolest sister in the world, because you’re not going to ask.”

  “I’m not going to ask tonight.” Teresa scowls. “But we’re going to have a talk tomorrow, all right?” She gets up from my bed and drops a kiss on top of my head. “Are you sure you’re going to be okay on your own? We can sleep together in Mom and Dad’s bed.”

  “No, I’m okay. I mean, I’m not okay, obviously, but I will be.”

  After my sister leaves, I go to my desk and contemplate the photo memo board hung above it. Pinned there is the only physical picture of John I have. It’s four pictures, actually. We took them in one of those tourist booths the summer of junior year. A spur-of-the-moment thing I never thought I’d regret.

  In the top one, we’re making silly faces at the camera. In the second, John is kissing my cheek, and I’m smiling like an idiot. For the third one, we’re full-on making out. As I stare at the fourth passport photo, my heart skips a beat and tears resurface in my eyes. This last one is the worst. In this one, we’re just staring at each other unmistakably, helplessly in love.

  I open the drawer of my desk where I keep my incense-burning kit and take out a lighter.

  With the picture in my hands, I climb out of the window and sit on the windowsill, my naked feet skimming the roof tiles.

  I hold the photo up to the midnight starry sky and set it on fire.

  The film disappears in a quick blaze, cinders lazily floating into the night.

  I take a deep breath, inhaling the smoke from the burning picture, and close my eyes. When I reopen them, an inferno is blazing within me.

  I let it smolder and gain momentum, fueling my rage.

  “I hate you, Johnny Raikes,” I say into the wind that carries the ashes of our relationship. “I will never forgive you for what you did.”

  2

  JOHN

  Present Day

  It’s good to be back home, back to the city that never sleeps. As I exit the subway station, a falling leaf smacks me in the face. I brush it away and rejoice in living in a place with seasons again.

  Not all agree. Nora’s words as I dropped her off at school earlier, replay in my head. “The cold sucks!”

  Pretty opinionated for a first grader.

  She’ll get used to the cooler weather. To not living on the beach a stone’s throw away from the ocean. To having to make new friends. To having been abandoned by her mother.

  No, she won’t get used to that. But Nora is a resilient kid, and we needed to leave behind our old house. The place was a constant reminder of a life that’s gone.


  As I walk down the street, the air is crisp and smells of the nearby Hudson River. Since we came back, even though I’m a New Yorker who grew up in the city, I can’t shake the feeling of being a tourist.

  Well, it has been sixteen years, I remind myself. For Nora, twice a lifetime. For me, a phase.

  The city hasn’t changed in all this time. New York is still loud, brash, and the biggest ball of nerves. Excitement is in the air, on the screens, on the billboards, in the subway, and on the streets where everyone is speeding somewhere.

  “Love it!” I say to myself. I walk the extra few blocks to the new clinic where I started working at the beginning of September, eager to get a jumpstart on my workday.

  The new job is another advantage of the move from California, besides seasons and having left. At Clinlada, I’ll finally be able to spend more time doing research. To expand my project on customized pharmacological protocols for different types of infertility and dietary supplement integration tailored to individual patients’ clinical histories.

  But not on this very fine morning. With three of my colleagues attending a convention downtown, I’ll be holding the fort alone. No lab for me today, only patient visits.

  I arrive at the clinic and make my way to the lobby. The glass doors open automatically as I approach.

  “Morning.” I wave at the receptionist, Carla.

  “Dr. Raikes, another early start?” she replies with a beaming smile. “Your first appointment isn’t until nine.”

  Upbeat, always-cheerful Carla is the opposite of the sour, I-hate-my-job-because-I-want-to-be-an-actress receptionists we used to get in LA.

  Another welcome change.

  “Early bird catches the worm, right?” I knock on her desk and wave a friendly goodbye.

  On my way to the elevators, I stare at the glass walls encompassing the lobby, feeling optimistic. The clinic occupies the entirety of a newer, low-rise building. The reception and administrative offices are on the ground floor. Examination rooms and patient wards are on the first. Labs and medical personnel offices are on the second and third floors, while the basement is entirely reserved for our cryopreservation facility.

  At the last moment, I skirt past the elevators and take the stairs. The stairwell smells of disinfectant and cleaning products, but I enjoy the hospital-like sterile smell—the familiarity of it, the promise of a groundbreaking discovery just a gamete coupling away.

  Despite being on patient duty, I skim past the first floor and continue on to the third one instead. I know I said no lab for me today, but I’m dying to check if Amada, my research associate, has finished processing patient data for our initial vitamin D trial.

  She’s already in the research lab, working intently at her computer. White coat on, midnight-black hair streaked with pink up in a bun, concentrated brows pinched. Despite me being an early bird, Amada always beats me to the lab.

  I tug my ID badge off my neck and press it against the magnetic holder attached to the lab door.

  “Good morning, my protégé.”

  Amada looks away from the screen and frowns at me, raising an arm to halt my advance. She stands up and walks toward me, handing me one of the spare lab coats from the rack beside the door. Next, she grabs the hand sanitizer dispenser from the metal column fixed on the floor and patiently waits for me to offer my hands.

  I do, and she squeezes a generous dollop of bactericide on each.

  As I rub my hands to spread the gel, I tease, “You know this is just a data processing room. No biosamples to contaminate here.”

  Amada frowns. “It’s still a lab. You shouldn’t put your germs on my keyboards.”

  I smile. “Fair enough. Where are we on patient sorting?”

  Amada sits back at the desk with a proud smirk. “I divided them into the investigational group and the control group. As soon as each woman starts her cycle, we can administer the first dose.”

  “That’s fantastic.” I raise a hand to high-five her, but Amada looks at it with an air of faint disgust before concentrating back on the screen.

  Gosh, these Generation Z folks are a tough bunch.

  I drop my arm to my side and continue the conversation. “And we already have all the test doses?”

  “Yes, sir,” Amada replies, without averting her eyes from the screen. “Made the placebos myself with organic olive oil; the least we can do is give the women quality dressing if not real vitamins.”

  “All right, good, I trust you.”

  “Thank you, Dr. Raikes,” she says, just the hint of an eye roll audible in her voice.

  Amada keeps typing on her keyboard.

  “Hey, if you don’t mind, could I ask you something?”

  Amada shrugs, keeping her eyes on the monitor. “It’s a free lab, you can ask me whatever.”

  “Was individualized fertility protocols research your first choice?” I know it wasn’t, but I’d rather not put her on the spot if she doesn’t feel comfortable telling me.

  Amada pauses. She types in a few more characters and then looks up at me. I smile, but she frowns. “No. I’d applied to the cryo lab, but the post went to a dude with a fifth of my qualifications and an appendage for a brain.”

  Exactly as I’d put it. I couldn’t believe my luck when Dr. Hendrix, the cryogenic lab head, passed Amada over in favor of an average scientist.

  I knock on the desk. “I promise you’re going to have much more fun with me. Hendrix would’ve kept you on a short leash. Any discovery you made would’ve been filed under his name. But with me, you’ll be free to expedite, decide, and propose your own trials. Make progress, and it’ll be your name at the end of the research paper. I’ll make your time with me worth your while.”

  Amada studies me dubiously for a few seconds. “You’re saying you’d let me be first signature on the publications?”

  I shrug. “Your project, your discovery, your academic title at the place of honor.”

  The first genuine grin since we started collaborating spreads on her lips. “I can have my own trials?”

  “Write me proposals, and we’ll see what funding we can set aside.”

  Amada nods and turns to the computer monitor again, getting back to work, the “we’re going to be a great team” effusions clearly over.

  Even so, I wrestled a grin and a nod out of her. In no time, she’ll be high-fiving me.

  I leave the lab and head back down the stairs.

  When I get to the second floor, I make a quick stop in my office to check my messages. With the clinic only having four doctors, including me, we each get a private office. Another perk of the new job.

  Messages checked, it’s time to start my rounds. I change into light-blue scrubs and wash my hands at the sink, singing “Happy Birthday” twice as I lather up before I rinse. A clean white coat is the last piece of my doctor’s uniform.

  Time to meet some patients.

  3

  MARISSA

  The cab driver drops me next to a newsstand, the front display lined by several copies of the same women’s magazine, its headline splashed in red ink across the cover: Why Teenage Heartbreak is Good for You.

  “Yeah, right,” I scoff, closing the cab door behind me.

  The universe must be trying to poke fun at me considering how, after getting my heart broken at eighteen, I’ve never had a relationship that’s lasted more than a few months. In fact, I’m so chronically single I’m presently headed to a fertility clinic to have a baby on my own before my biological clock ticks past its expiration date.

  I know people have kids at any age these days, but my gynecologist has reiterated multiple times that biology hasn’t caught up yet. That thirty-five is still the watershed between good eggs and potentially low-quality eggs with increased risk of miscarriages and chromosomal abnormalities. And since this year has been my last birthday on the right side of thirty-five, here I am.

  And I’d better hurry as I’m barely on time for my 6 p.m. appointment. Dr. Townsend, my doctor, must hate me for always requesting the latest possible slot, but the trek from Brooklyn to Manhattan isn’t short, and I usually never leave the office before eight or nine in the evening. Six o’clock is already a stretch for me.

  As I pass through the automatic glass doors of Clinlada, the usual doubts assail me. Am I doing the right thing?