I spend a good amount of time in the bathtub, reading and thinking. It’s impossible not to feel pissed off that I had the most amazing night with Crow, his body, his words, our essence so caring and powerful together, and the very next morning, James Sanderson shows up. Two men who appeared in my life at the exact worst times.

  After who knows how long in the bath, I get a text from Alice offering to drop Mia off. I accept the help, because honestly, I’m in no condition to drive or to leave the bathtub until the last possible second.

  As I’m toweling my hair dry, thankful that the headache that seemed about to start is keeping its distance, there’s a knock at the door.

  I head downstairs, hair still wet but in comfy sweats and a loose T-shirt. My heart flips, and my body responds immediately when I open the door.

  “Hi,” I say, trying to ignore the tingle of my core and the way my breasts ache with the memory of his stubble scraping so deliciously against my sensitive skin. My body may have a mind of its own, but my face can’t hide where my head is.

  Crow’s face falls when he sees me. “Hey.” He lifts my chin with his fingers. “What happened? You look like you’ve been crying.”

  I step out of his hold. “I’m…I’m fine. Mia’s on her way back, so I don’t think I should talk about it.”

  Crow snaps his lips together but makes no attempt to follow me. “Birdie,” he says. “What the hell happened? If this is about us… If you’ve having second thoughts about what happened…”

  I shake my head sadly. “No, it’s just…complicated. I really don’t have time to talk about it right now. I’m sorry.”

  I don’t even know where to begin. Part of me wants to run into his arms and pound against his chest, release all the sadness and rage inside, but Mia’s on her way home. I’m fighting a headache. And I don’t even know how I feel. Guilt. Sadness. It’s a roller coaster, and right now, I just want to get off the ride.

  I’m so lost in my own confusion, I don’t ask about Crow’s day. I don’t ask if he’s okay. I’m just focused on keeping it together for myself and for Mia. That’s how it has to be.

  “Don’t have time,” Crow echoes. He takes two steps back from me, his face withdrawn, shuttered from any emotion. “I understand. I’d better get back to the compound anyway.” He walks up to me and looks like he wants to hug me, hold me, but I can’t even look at him. If I do, my carefully constructed walls will come crumbling down. When the floodgates open, pain—real pain—will consume me, and right now, I can’t give in to that. My dad doesn’t deserve that. I’m not going to let him steal the small shred of peace I have left.

  “I’ll text you later,” I say, trying to muster a smile for Crow. But I can’t. Can’t look at his gorgeous face, so complicated and caring.

  An SUV eases to the curb in front of my house, and Alice, Zoey, and Mia climb out. Mia runs for me, happy and babbling.

  “Mama, we had the best time ever. I didn’t want to come home because we have so much more to do, but then we got exciting news. You won’t even believe it.”

  I hug my daughter and try to shove aside the emotions and stress of the day. “Hi, baby. I’m so glad you had fun.” I look at Alice. “Thank you,” I tell her. I truly mean it. I am so, so grateful that Mia wasn’t here when James—my dad—showed up. I can’t even let my mind go back to last night, but Alice is looking from Crow to me, and her face looks a bit troubled.

  “Did you guys have a good evening?” she asks gently.

  Crow grunts and bends down to look at some artwork that Mia’s brought. She and Zoey are excitedly explaining the pictures.

  “We did,” I say but then quickly change the subject. “What’s this exciting news?”

  Alice claps her hands together. “Well, all the excitement of the shower yesterday must have made that baby eager to arrive. Lia went into labor in the middle of the night.”

  She pulls out her cell phone to show us a picture of Lia in a surgical suite. “Her due date is still five weeks away, but the little guy was not to be stopped. Lia had an emergency C-section at about five this morning. Mama and baby are doing great.”

  I look over at the images on her phone, the wrinkly little red-faced boy in Leo’s arms and Lia, her hair trapped under a surgical cap, her body draped and covered up.

  Zoey and Mia have already seen the pictures, but they drop what they’re doing to coo over the little guy again.

  “Mama, isn’t he so cute? I can’t wait to be old enough to babysit.” Mia sounds so happy, I feel my own sadness even more acutely.

  Even though I just met them yesterday, I’m happy for Leo and Lia. They’re a sweet little family unit, and that’s exactly as it should be. Just hours ago, I was looking at my own baby pictures, and this is another small kick to my already tender heart.

  “Did they name him?” I ask.

  Alice shakes her head. “Lia wants to try out a few names and see how they feel before they commit.” She laughs, but it’s a loving sound. “That’s so Lia. I wouldn’t be surprised if the boy goes through ten names before they choose Moonstone or something.”

  She holds out her phone to show Crow the pictures, and I see the way his face softens. It’s as if the protective shield he put up when he got here is melting away. He smiles but doesn’t say anything.

  “That leads me to a small problem,” Alice continues. “Lia didn’t have time to make arrangements for her business before the baby came. She was planning to hire a temp to run the doggie day care center part time, but she won’t be able to come in and chase after dogs now that she’s had a C-section. I have an office just two stores down in the strip mall where Lia runs the day care. I can help you get acclimated, and as long as you’re not afraid of dogs, I thought maybe you’d be open to helping with the Canine Crashpad for a few weeks, maybe longer…”

  She’s looking at me expectantly, and it registers that she’s offering me the one thing I need right now. A job.

  “Me?” I ask and look at Crow.

  “We’re going to need you too,” she says, tapping Crow on the shoulder. “With the C-section, Leo’s likely going to want to take as much time off as the shop can manage. If you’re available, Crow, I think Tim’s going to need you closer to full time if you can fit it in around your other projects.”

  He nods. “Whatever he needs,” he says.

  I wonder how Crow feels about that, working in the auto shop instead of his construction plans. And he worked today with Arrow, so I wonder where that leaves everything.

  Alice is talking about how much they can pay me, and she explains it won’t have benefits, but Lia was planning on taking at least two to three months off when the baby was born, so if I’m game to give this a try, she’s sure we can talk about anything I need as the weeks go on.

  “I can meet you at the day care in the morning,” she says, “if you’re available.”

  I appreciate what she doesn’t say, but which I think is implied. If I feel well enough.

  “Mama.” Mia looks like someone has just given her a winning lotto ticket. “Are you going to do it? You’re going to work with puppies?”

  I look at Alice and consider the opportunity. My brain is swimming with the developments of the day, and my heart is troubled. But a job—a paying job—with someone who won’t look badly on my termination, who won’t bother checking references because they already know what they need to know about me… I’d be a fool to pass it up.

  “I’d love to,” I say.

  Mia and Zoey are high-fiving, and Zoey is explaining everything she knows about dogs, while Crow is standing there looking off… Glum.

  Alice texts me the address of the building and tells me when to meet her in the morning. Then she gathers up Zoey and gives us all hugs goodbye.

  “Thank you,” she says to me. “Lia’s worked so hard to build this business, and I can help a little here and there, but I’ve got my hands full with the office and…” She grins, and I know she means her own little bean.

  “Of course,” I say. “Thank you. This will be great. Really great.”

  The more I think about it, the more I feel good about it. I’ll have a job and a chance to build up great work experience so that Alice and Lia can give me references when she’s ready to come back to work. I can put the termination behind me, and while I won’t have benefits right away, I can work on figuring out doctors and insurance issues, knowing that I at least will have some income coming in.

  “Crow,” Alice says, “you need a ride back?”

  He looks at me, his expression dark and unreadable. “I’ve got to return this rental,” he says. “You’ll be driving Mia to school in the morning?” he asks.

  I know what he’s implying. If we’re both starting new jobs tomorrow—well, mine will be new, but his will be more hours at the place he’s worked part time—our little routine of him driving Mia to school and spending the day working here… All of that is over.

  “Yeah,” I say quietly. “I’ll drive her.”

  Alice is watching our exchange with interest and a noticeable expression of concern.

  “I was just heading out before you got here,” Crow says to Alice. “Mind following me to the car rental place?”

  “Not at all,” she says. “Zoey, say bye to Mia.”

  While Mia and Zoey say goodbye, I stand by and just watch them. Two sweet, little things untarnished so far by too many of life’s blows. I know in my heart that’s not true. Crow told me that Alice had a manipulative ex. And Mia knows disappointment better than anyone, having the dad she’s got. He’s not much better than the man who showed up on my doorstep today, for that matter.

  We’re all just walking through life, bouncing between the heartaches we cause and the ones we carry. I’m overwhelmed and tired by it all, and I just want a few minutes of normal life. My daughter and me. No more strangers, no more surprises. No matter how wonderful most of the people and surprises have been.

  Alice and Zoey head for the door, and I thank her again for hosting Mia. “Next time, we’ll have Zoey here,” I promise.

  Alice nods and tells me she’ll see me in the morning. Crow says goodbye to Mia, who gives him a warm hug before bouncing upstairs. Then we’re alone.

  “Are you…” Crow starts but then changes his mind. “Can I text you later?” he asks.

  “Of course.” I want to say more, to explain what happened today, but Alice is waiting, and I’m so worn-out, I just lean against the door and watch him walk to the rental car. He gets in and drives off without even waving goodbye.

  15

  CROW

  “Yo, hear the news?” Morris is in the kitchen of the compound, pouring himself a glass of water. “Tiny’s a fucking grandpa.”

  “Heard all about it. Your old lady filled me in and showed me pics.” Alice is outside waiting for Morris, so I clap him on the shoulder. “She’s outside waiting for you with Zoey.”

  Morris drains the water in a couple of sips and slaps the counter. “Can’t keep the ladies waiting.” He walks past and then stops. “See you at the shop in the morning? You gonna be able to fill in for Leo?”

  Even if I didn’t want to fill in for Leo, if a club brother has a need, every one of us will do whatever it takes to be there.

  I nod. “First thing.”

  Morris rubs his hands together. “Construction plans are just on hold. We’ll get back to it, if that’s what you still want. How’s Birdie’s reno going?”

  I nod again. “Almost done.”

  Morris cocks his chin. “Something up? You two looked pretty damn smitten yesterday. Something you want to talk about?”

  I shake my head, not even sure where to start, what to say. “Thanks, man.” I clap him on the shoulder. “You got a wife and kid waiting. Go on. We’ll catch up another time.”

  Morris claps me back but then meets my eyes. “Heartaches are like headaches,” he says. “When they come on strong, they take up all the air in the room. Make it hard to see a time when things will feel normal again. But shit always passes,” he reminds me. “Sometimes you just need a little time and patience.”

  I flick him in the gut. “You practicing dad-speak on me, man?”

  He’s grinning under his beard. “Go fuck yourself, smartass,” he shouts, and he heads out to meet Alice and Zoey.

  I grab a beer from the fridge and walk into my room. I lie back on the bed and check my phone. Nothing. No missed calls, no unread texts. Well, that’s not entirely true. I have three voice mails from that New York number that I assume is my dad. I just haven’t had it in me to listen. And I still don’t.

  After spending an amazing night with Birdie, I don’t know what I expected. More? I mean, fuck, of course I want more. After just one taste, I’ll never get my fill of that woman. Her sighs, her cries, the way she shuddered and licked me… Fuck. My dick twitches just remembering last night. But even more than my body, it’s my heart that’s on the line now.

  I think about how cool she was this afternoon, and it shatters me—something I didn’t think anyone could do anymore.

  Maybe things are moving too fast. Maybe she’s having second thoughts. I don’t think I disappointed her last night, but who knows? I don’t want to assume the worst, but it’s hard not to contemplate that she’s decided an ex-con isn’t the best bet for her right now. Our chemistry is off the fucking charts. I get along with her kid. I don’t even mind her cooking that reminds me more of prison than I care to admit. If that doesn’t add up to a future, I don’t think I’ll ever know what one feels like.

  I consider texting her, asking if she’s all right, but fuck. It all feels like me chasing her. This is the part of women I haven’t had to deal with in so long. I’m as out of practice at understanding them as I am at fucking them. Does Bridget need space? Does she want me to reach out? I don’t know, and I’m damned sure whatever I do will be the wrong thing.

  That’s just how this day has gone. I ended up giving Arrow the money back and leaving the gig. Once I saw the old man I was supposed to be tailing coming out of the country club with his arm around a young blonde who was definitely not the same woman as the wife who’d hired Arrow, I just felt sick.

  When I thought about climbing between cars and taking pictures—giving this woman the proof she wanted to back up her suspicions that her man was cheating… It all just felt cheap and dirty and wrong. Taking money when I’m not licensed but should be… The whole thing made my stomach flip and a feeling of intense dread come over me.

  I ended up texting Arrow from my personal phone and telling him I couldn’t do it. He was out on another job, so he just said, Got it, but I could tell he was pissed.

  Fuck.

  I punch my pillow and roll onto my side, wishing like hell I had a road map for what to do. Work. Relationships. Friends. This entire reentry into real life would be impossible without this club. I can’t imagine where I’d be if I didn’t have this place to live, friends who don’t hassle me for rent, and a bunch of guys looking out for me, trying to find me work. If I look at it that way, on some level, I can respect what Arrow’s trying to do, even if I don’t agree with it or like it.

  Since I’m feeling shitty about just about everything, I decide to listen to my voice mails. I can’t feel much worse, so I might as well get everything out of the way.

  As I expect, all three calls are from my dad. What I don’t expect is how he sounds.

  “Son?” I hear Dad’s voice, but goddamn, he sounds older. More frail. “Son, I heard you’ve been released, and I just… I just… Call me.”

  The second message sounds even more tense. I can’t tell if Dad’s angry, pissed off, or some combination of both. “Logan? It’s your father. Call me, son. I want to hear your voice.”

  And then the last one. “Logan, it’s…your dad. I… Ah, never mind…” His voice cracks at the end and gets farther away, as if he’s talking to himself and not to me. Something inside me cracks open hearing the defeat and the distance in the message. This time, he does not say call me. He just hangs up the phone.

  I grab my pillow and toss it at the wall, desperate to vent some of my pent-up emotions. My father hasn’t once offered me a place to live. Always welcome in his home? He loves me? That’s not the kind of relationship we’ve ever had. I don’t know what he expects from a call. A pleasant catch-up? Stories of the murderers and the con artists and other scumbags I did my best to steer clear of so I could stay out of trouble and alive for the last seven years?

  Did he think I’d just pack up my nonexistent clothes and nonexistent money and jump in my nonexistent car and drive across the country for a reunion dinner? I strip off all my clothes and change into shorts. Tiny’s at the hospital playing granddad. Morris is home with his family. And me? I’ve got a couple of sad-sounding voice mails and a heart made of stone.

  I lace up my running shoes and leave my phone behind. I don’t need anyone. I don’t want anything. I just want it all to be a little easier. And it’s never going to be. So, I walk out the compound door and start running.

  The next morning, I get up early and text Tim. He’s already at the shop, but he wants to go visit his new nephew, so he confirms I should come by as soon as I can to cover him for the day. I can’t stop thinking about Birdie. About our night together. About whatever happened to shut things down between us just as fast as they started to open.

  It’s early enough that she’s probably already dropped Mia off at school, so I type out a simple text but then delete it. I toss the phone onto my bed and get dressed, but I’m in agony trying to decide whether I should reach out to Birdie or not. I’m like a fucking teenager. Gaga over a girl and consumed with indecision about what to do.

  If she’s working at Lia’s Canine Crashpad and I’m over at Leo and Tim’s shop, I’m going to see her. I might as well break the seal and take the pain if that’s what’s coming. It’ll make things a lot less awkward later.