Dedication

  To Emma

  Thanks to Jamie Greifenberger, Heidi Margaret, Kathy Yannul Crump, Ray, Craig, and Howard.

  Contents

  Cover

  Title Page

  Dedication

  1. Surprise Mystery Field Trip!

  2. Funderama

  3. More Fun with Uncle Fred

  4. A Word from Our Sponsor

  5. I Asked for Watermelons!

  6. Andrea Is Annoying

  7. There, There

  8. Talk Like a Grown-Up

  9. Back to Funderama

  10. A Brilliant Idea!

  11. Pie in the Sky

  About the Author and Illustrator

  Back Ad

  Copyright

  About the Publisher

  My name is A.J. and I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking about the future. Because that’s what I’m thinking about.

  I don’t know what the future is gonna be like, but I know it’s gonna be cool. In the future, we’re going to have all kinds of awesome stuff like flying cars, jetpacks, and microwavable underwear. And we’re definitely going to have virtual-reality time-machine headbands. That’s for sure.

  I can’t wait until I get my virtual-reality time-machine headband. Think of it—we’ll be able to travel back to any year we want! When I have my own virtual-reality time-machine headband, I know where I’m gonna go—to the year 1857. Do you want to know why? Because that was the year Joseph Gayetty invented toilet paper.

  I wonder what they used before 1857.

  On second thought, maybe I’ll use my virtual-reality time-machine headband to travel back to today. Yeah! That way, I’ll be able to tell myself what the future is gonna be like. It would be cool to predict the future.

  I hope A.J. from the future gets here soon. Hey, maybe when he gets here, both of us can go back to 1857 and watch Joseph Gayetty invent toilet paper.*

  My point is: it was Monday. Our teacher—Miss Banks—was late to class because there was a retirement party in the teachers’ lounge for Mr. Loring. He’s been the music teacher at our school for a million hundred years. I don’t think music even existed when boring Mr. Loring started teaching. He probably taught Beethoven how to play the piano.

  “I can’t wait to see Miss Banks’s new hairdo,” said Alexia, this girl who rides a skateboard all the time.

  “Oh, yeah,” said Andrea, this annoying girl with curly brown hair. “She said she was going to the hair salon after school on Friday.”

  “I bet she’s going to be beautiful,” said Emily, Andrea’s crybaby friend.

  I couldn’t care less what Miss Banks’s hair looked like.

  But then she walked into the classroom. Her hair was purple! Bright purple!

  “AHHHHHHHHHHH!” we all shouted.

  “Do you like it?” Miss Banks asked, spinning around so we could get a good look at her hair.

  “Yes!” said Alexia.

  “Then you can have it!” Miss Banks said as she pulled a purple wig off her head and tossed it up in the air.

  Miss Banks pulls lots of pranks.

  “Ha-ha-ha!” she said. “Time is fun when you’re having flies!”

  That’s Miss Banks’s catchphrase. A catchphrase is something people say all the time for no reason.

  “Okay everyone, it’s time for math,” Miss Banks told us. “Today we’re going to learn about irrational numbers. An irrational number—”

  She didn’t have the chance to finish her sentence. You’ll never believe who walked into the door at that moment.

  Nobody! Why would you walk into a door? You could break your nose! But you’ll never believe who walked into the doorway.

  It was Mrs. Stoker, the principal of Ella Mentry School!

  “Good morning!” she said cheerfully. “Hey, do you kids know how the moon cuts its hair?”

  “How?” asked Ryan, who will eat anything, even stuff that isn’t food.

  “Eclipse it!” she said. “Get it?”

  I didn’t get it. Mrs. Stoker is a joker. When she’s not being our principal, she’s a stand-up comedian.

  “Hey,” said Mrs. Stoker, “what did the limestone say to the geologist?”

  “What?” asked Michael, who never ties his shoes.

  “Don’t take me for granite!” said Mrs. Stoker. Then she doubled over laughing and slapped her knees. Grown-ups slap their knees when they think something is really funny. Nobody knows why.

  We all laughed even though Mrs. Stoker’s jokes weren’t all that funny. You should always laugh at the principal’s jokes. That’s the first rule of being a kid.

  Andrea started waving her hand in the air like she was trying to signal an airplane from a desert island. She got called on, of course.

  “Mrs. Stoker,” Andrea said, “do you know any jokes about psychologists? My mom is a psychologist.”

  Andrea is always bragging that her mom is a psychologist, whatever that is.

  “Hmmm, let me think,” said Mrs. Stoker. “Aha! Do you know why psychologists don’t make any noise when they go to the bathroom?”

  “Why?” asked Andrea.

  “Because the P is silent!” said Mrs. Stoker. “Get it?”

  We all laughed even though the joke wasn’t all that funny.

  “You’ve been a wonderful audience,” Mrs. Stoker said as she opened the door to leave. Then she stopped. “Oh, I almost forgot why I came in here. I have big news!”

  “You have a big nose?” asked Michael.

  “Not nose, news!” said Neil, who we call the nude kid even though he wears clothes.

  “I’m taking you kids on a surprise mystery field trip!” announced Mrs. Stoker.

  “Oooh, where are we going?” asked Ryan.

  “If I told you, it wouldn’t be a surprise,” said Mrs. Stoker. “Come on, follow me!”

  We all followed Mrs. Stoker outside, where the school bus was waiting.* Our bus driver is Mrs. Kormel, who is not normal.

  “Bingle boo!” she said.

  That means “hello.” Mrs. Kormel invented her own secret language. Nobody knows why.

  She drove us a million hundred miles. Well, it seemed like that, anyway. Finally, the bus pulled up to a building with a big sign out front that said “NBN-TV’S Funderama.”

  “Funderama!” we all shouted at the same time. Funderama is a TV show for kids. It’s on every Saturday morning. The host is this guy named Uncle Fred.

  “I used to watch Uncle Fred on Funderama when I was little,” I said.

  “So did I!” said Mrs. Kormel.

  Everybody watched Funderama when they were little. The show has been on TV for something like thirty years. I bet George Washington watched Funderama when he was a kid.

  “We’ve been invited to be part of the Funderama studio audience!” Mrs. Stoker said excitedly.

  “So we get to watch them film the TV show?” asked Ryan.

  “Live and in-person!” said Mrs. Stoker. “I met Uncle Fred at Giggles Comedy Club the other night. He gave me free tickets for you kids.”

  Everybody was excited. Well, everybody except me. I watched Funderama when I was in first grade. Now that we’re in fourth grade, I’m too old for that silly stuff. Funderama was sure to be totally lame.

  “My mother used to watch a kids’ show called Howdy Doody,” Mrs. Kormel said as we got off the bus.

  Everybody laughed because Mrs. Kormel said “doody.” It’s okay to say “duty,” but we’re not supposed to say “doody.” Nobody knows why.

  “Wait a minute,” I said. “Somebody’s name was Doody?”

  “Yes!” Mrs. Kormel replied. “He lived in a town called Doodyville.”

  Everybody laughed again. “Howdy Doody” is probably part of the secret language she made up. Mrs. Kormel is definitely not normal.

  As we walked inside the NBN-TV studio, each of us was given a name tag. The set looked like somebody’s living room, with a fire in the fireplace and everything. There was a big video screen on the wall that said UNCLE FRED’S PLAYHOUSE. There must have been fifty other kids there, sitting on bleachers.

  Hey, why do they call them bleachers? I guess they have to wash them with bleach after some little kids pee in their pants during Funderama.

  We had to sit boy-girl-boy-girl, so we wouldn’t talk to anybody. I had to sit between annoying Andrea and crybaby Emily.

  The TV studio was filled with lights and video screens and big cameras and balloons. We waited a long time until some lady ran onto the stage.

  “Good morning, everybody!” she said excitedly. “I’m Mrs. Crump, the head of the NBN-TV network. Say, kids, what time is it?”

  “IT’S UNCLE FRED TIME!” we all screamed, because we’ve heard that a million hundred times.

  “Are you kids excited?” Mrs. Crump asked.

  “YEAH!” We all screamed our heads off again.

  “Are we gonna have fun?”

  “YEAH!”

  “I-CAN’T-HEAR-YOU!”

  Grown-ups are always saying they can’t hear us. It’s just sad. I guess that’s what happens when you get old.

  “YEAH!” we screamed louder.

  “Are you ready?”

  “YEAH!”

  “Here’s . . . Uncle Fred!”

  Some guy held up cue cards that said WAVE and GO CRAZY, so we all waved and went crazy. The Uncle Fred theme song started playing . . .

  It’s Uncle Freddy time.

  He loves to sing and rhyme.


/>   He likes to dance and play.

  He’ll dance the day away.

  He’s like a little kid.

  He’ll make you flip your lid.

  Forget about bedtime,

  it’s Uncle Freddy time!

  Lights started flashing. Sirens went off. Everybody was screaming. It was loud! Then Uncle Fred came bursting through a big piece of paper. He was wearing a checkered suit, funny glasses, and a silly hat.

  The cue card guy held up a sign that said CLAP. We all clapped.

  “Howdy, kids!” Uncle Fred shouted. “Welcome to Funderama, your favorite TV show, brought to you by the good folks at Porky’s Pork Sausages!”

  He ran over to the door.

  “This is my friend Dory!” shouted Uncle Fred. “She’s a door! Say hi to Dory!”

  “HI, DORY!” everybody shouted.

  Uncle Fred ran over to the window.

  “And this is my friend Windy,” he shouted. “She’s a window! Say hi to Windy!”

  “HI, WINDY!” everybody shouted.

  Then Uncle Fred ran over to the couch.

  “And this is my friend Couchy!” he shouted. “Do you know what he is?”

  Duh! He’s a couch, of course. What are we, kindergartners?

  “A COUCH!” everybody shouted.

  “That’s right!” shouted Uncle Fred. “Couchy and I watch TV together.”

  That’s ridorkulous. Couches don’t watch TV. They just sit there while you watch TV.

  “Let’s sing ‘The Aardvark Song’!” shouted Uncle Fred.

  I never heard of “The Aardvark Song,” but most of the kids seemed to know the words . . .

  I like to bark

  in the dark

  at the park

  with a shark

  and that’s why I’m an . . .

  “AARDVARK!” everybody shouted.

  The cue card guy held up a sign that said GO CRAZY. We all went crazy.

  “Ooooooooh,” said Uncle Fred. “Who wants to open the Magic Treasure Chest today?”

  “I do!” some kid shouted.

  “I do!” some other kid shouted.

  “I do!” a third kid shouted.

  In case you were wondering, everybody wanted to open the Magic Treasure Chest. We were all waving our hands in the air.

  Uncle Fred called on Alexia, and she came running up on the stage. There was a big treasure chest on the side. Uncle Fred gave Alexia a key ring that had a million hundred keys on it.

  “There’s a secret treasure in here, Alexia,” said Uncle Fred. “Maybe it’s gold. Maybe it’s jewels. Only one of these keys will open the padlock. If you can open it by the end of the show, you get to keep whatever is inside!”

  “Oooooooh!” we all oooooohed.

  Weird music started playing. Alexia tried one of the keys, but it didn’t fit into the padlock. While she tried another key, Uncle Fred got up and walked to the middle of the stage. He picked up a weird-looking puppet from the couch and put it on his left hand.

  “This is my good friend Joe King,” said Uncle Fred. “Say hello to the kids, Joe!”

  “Hi, kids!” said Joe King in a really high voice. It was obvious that Uncle Fred was doing the voice because you could see his lips moving.

  “Hey, Joe,” said Uncle Fred. “Would you like to see your name up in lights?”

  “Sure!” said Joe King.

  “Then you should change your name to EXIT!” shouted Uncle Fred. “Get it?”

  The cue card guy held up a sign that said LAUGH. Everybody laughed.

  “That’s not funny!” said Joe King, and then Uncle Fred punched himself in the mouth with the Joe King puppet. Then Uncle Fred punched Joe King with his other hand and shouted, “Get lost, buster!”

  “Get lost, buster!” is Uncle Fred’s catchphrase. He says “Get lost, buster!” all the time.

  Uncle Fred pretended he was mad at the Joe King puppet, and they started fighting with each other. Finally, he ripped Joe King off his hand and threw the puppet into the fireplace. Joe King burst into flames. The cue card guy held up a sign that said SCREAM.

  While everybody was screaming, Andrea leaned over to Emily. “I don’t approve of this violence,” she said.

  “Me neither,” said Emily, who always disapproves of anything Andrea disapproves of.

  “What do you have against violins?” I asked.

  “Not violins, Arlo!” said Andrea, who calls me by my real name because she knows I don’t like it. “Violence!”

  I know the difference between violins and violence. I was just yanking Andrea’s chain.

  “Hey, kids!” shouted Uncle Fred. “Do you want to see a magic trick?”

  “YEAH!”

  Uncle Fred took a handkerchief out of his pocket and carefully draped it over one hand.

  “Abracadabra . . . hocus-pocus,” he said, staring at his arm. “Watch . . . watch . . . watch . . . WATCH . . .”

  He pulled the handkerchief away and held his arm up for us to see. There was a watch on it.

  “WATCH!” shouted Uncle Fred.

  I didn’t think it was very funny, but the cue card guy held up a sign that said LAUGH, so we all laughed. Every time Uncle Fred said anything funny, a weird horn would blow and confetti would drop from the ceiling, just in case we didn’t know he told a joke.

  “Hey, kids!” shouted Uncle Fred. “Do you want to sing ‘Row, Row, Row Your Boat’ with me?”

  “YEAH!” we all screamed.

  “Okay, first the girls,” said Uncle Fred. And then he started singing . . .

  Row, row, row your boat,

  gently down the stream.

  Throw the boys overboard,

  and listen to them scream.

  The cue card guy didn’t have to hold up any sign. We all clapped, waved, and went crazy. That’s when the weirdest thing in the history of the world happened.

  But I’m not going to tell you what it was.

  Okay, okay, I’ll tell you. But you have to read the next chapter. So nah-nah-nah boo-boo on you.

  I had forgotten how funny Uncle Fred was. As soon as he finished singing the boat song, he started dancing.

  “It’s time to do the Gerbil Dance!” he shouted.

  The cue card guy held up a sign that said SHOUT. We all shouted.

  “The Gerbil Dance is easy to do,” said Uncle Fred. “All you need to do is dance around like a gerbil!”

  “How do gerbils dance?” some kid yelled.

  “Watch me!” shouted Uncle Fred. He did this crazy dance where he hopped back and forth on each foot and stuck his fingers in his ears.

  I really don’t think gerbils dance like that. To tell you the truth, I don’t think they dance at all. But it was funny. We all got up and did the Gerbil Dance while the music played. I almost fell off the bleachers.

  “Uncle Fred is a knucklehead!” Ryan said when the music stopped.

  Uncle Fred threw some confetti in the air and ran up into the bleachers. He stuck his microphone in some girl’s face.

  “Hey, Megan,” he said, “what’s your favorite kind of dirt?”

  “Uh . . . dirty dirt?” she replied.

  “Good answer!”

  Uncle Fred stuck the mic in some other kid’s face.

  “Hey, Andrew,” he said, “do you like to eat oatmeal?”

  “Not really,” he replied.

  Uncle Fred ran over to our side of the bleachers and stuck the mic in Neil’s face.

  “Hey, Neil,” he said. “do they call you Neil because you kneel down a lot?”

  “No, that’s my name,” Neil replied.

  “What’s your last name?” asked Uncle Fred.

  “Crouch.”

  “Neil Crouch?” said Uncle Fred. “Both of your names mean the same thing!”

  The cue card guy held up a sign that said LAUGH. We all laughed.

  Uncle Fred looked at my name tag and stuck the mic in my face.

  “What does A.J. stand for?” he asked.

  “None of your business,” I told him.*

  “Ooooooooh!” everybody oooooooohed.

  “Is it Alex Jabroni?” he asked.

  “No.”

  “Is it Alphabet Jam? Is it Asteroid Jawbreaker? Angry Jacuzzi?”

  “No!”

  “A.J. stands for Arlo Jervis,” said Andrea.

  Everybody laughed. I wanted to run away to Antarctica and go live with the penguins. I hate Andrea.

  “Say, who’s got a good joke?” asked Uncle Fred.