That’s the thing about a fifty-year-old school. Everything is always on the fritz and falling apart. One time, a piece of plaster fell off the ceiling in the hallway and hit Emily in the head. It was a real Kodak moment. We need to have a tech guy all the time just to fix the stuff that breaks.

  “Hip hip hooray!” we all yelled when Mr. Harrison turned on the SMART Board.

  “I’m just doing my job,” he said. “When I see something is broken, I want to fix it.”

  “Can you fix Andrea’s brain?” I asked. “Because it’s broken.”

  “Oh, snap!” said Ryan.

  Andrea was going to say something mean to me, but she couldn’t because there was an announcement over the loudspeaker.

  “Mr. Harrison, please report to the office. The copy machine is on the fritz again.”

  Mr. Harrison sighed.

  “I just fixed that old thing yesterday,” he told us. “It’s worn-out. I don’t think I can fix it again. I’ll just have to build a new copy machine like the old one.”

  “So you’re going to make a copy of the copy machine?” I asked.

  “That’s right.”

  No, that’s weird.

  Chapter 5

  Mr. Harrison’s Invention

  I was in the vomitorium eating lunch at a table with the guys and Alexia. Andrea and her girlie girl friends were at the next table.

  “What do you think Mr. Harrison’s real name is?” Alexia asked as she bit into a peanut butter sandwich.

  “He told us his name is Fritz,” said Ryan, who was eating a salad. Ryan will eat anything, even stuff that grew in the dirt.

  “Fritz is Mr. Harrison’s nickname,” Andrea said. “He won’t tell us his real name.”

  “It must be really weird,” Michael said. “If he had a normal name, he would tell us what it was.”

  “His name is probably Poindexter,” said Neil the nude kid, “or Dorkus.”

  “We need to find out his real name,” I said. “He may be an impostor.”

  “What?” Emily asked. She looked all scared, like always.

  “Maybe Mr. Harrison isn’t a real tech guy at all,” I explained. “Did you ever think of that? Maybe he kidnapped our tech guy.”

  “Stop trying to scare Emily,” said Andrea.

  “I’m scared!” said Emily.

  “He probably took a laser out of one of the laser printers,” I said, “and he’s shooting laser beams at the real tech guy right now.”

  “We’ve got to do something!” said Emily, and then she went running out of the vomitorium. That girl will fall for anything.

  Emily didn’t have to go anywhere. Because you’ll never believe who walked into the vomitorium at that moment.

  It was Mr. Harrison! And he was holding an umbrella.

  “How do you like my new invention?” he asked us.

  “You invented the umbrella?” asked Ryan.

  “Oh, this isn’t just any old umbrella,” Mr. Harrison said. “It’s a solar-powered umbrella.”

  “What?” Neil said. “I never heard of anything like that.”

  “See?” Mr. Harrison told us. “This umbrella has a built-in solar panel. It uses the power of the sun to open it. I’ve been working on it for years.”

  He pushed a button on the handle, and the umbrella opened up.

  “WOW,” we all said, which is “MOM” upside down.

  “That’s neat, Mr. Harrison!” said Andrea, who never misses the chance to brownnose a grown-up.

  “Wait a minute,” I said. “Why would you need that? Nobody uses an umbrella when the sun is out. We only use an umbrella when it’s raining.”

  “Hmmm,” said Mr. Harrison, “you’re right. It was a dumb idea.”

  Then he threw his solar-powered umbrella into the garbage can.

  “I guess I should forget about the other invention I’m working on,” he said, “a solar-powered flashlight.”

  Mr. Harrison must have been pretty mad that I didn’t like his invention, because he stormed away. But as he turned around to leave, you’ll never believe what happened.

  He slipped on some spilled juice and fell down!

  And when he fell down, you’ll never believe what happened.

  His wallet fell out of his pocket!

  And when his wallet fell out of his pock-et, you’ll never believe what happened.

  I pounced on it!

  And when I pounced on the wallet, I opened it up and looked at the name on the driver’s license. And you’ll never believe what Mr. Harrison’s first name is.

  I’m not going to tell you.

  Okay, okay, I’ll tell you. But you have to read the next chapter. So nah-nah-nah boo-boo on you!

  Chapter 6

  The Truth About Mr. Harrison

  Mr. Harrison’s first name is George.

  “I know Mr. Harrison’s real name,” I told everybody after I handed back the wallet and he left.

  “What is it?” Ryan asked.

  “His name is . . . ,” I said. “I’m not telling.”

  “Come on, A.J.!” said Michael. “Spill the beans.”4

  “I’ll be your best friend,” said Neil the nude kid.

  “Arlo, what’s Mr. Harrison’s first name?” said Andrea.

  “It’s George,” I said.

  “George?” said Alexia. “That’s not a weird name.”

  “I wonder why he wouldn’t tell us his name was George,” said Michael.

  “George Harrison,” said Andrea. “Wait a minute! George Harrison was somebody famous! He was one of the Beatles!”

  “One of the what?” asked Neil the nude kid.

  “That old rock group, dumbhead,” said Michael.

  Oh, yeah! My parents told me about the Beatles, and I played this video game called Rock Band, where you play Beatle songs. It’s cool. Everybody knows who the Beatles were.

  “Mr. Harrison was one of the Beatles?” asked Ryan.

  “Wait a minute,” Andrea said. “George Harrison of the Beatles died a long time ago.”

  “He must have faked his death,” I told her. “Famous people do that all the time, you know.”

  “That doesn’t make any sense, A.J.,” said Michael. “Why would a big rock star fake his death and get a job as a tech guy in a school?”

  “He probably hated being famous,” I told them. “Celebrities get sick of signing autographs and having people take pictures of them all the time. He must be hiding out in our school so his fans won’t bother him.”

  “Being a nerdy tech guy would be the perfect disguise,” Alexia admitted.

  “But Mr. Harrison doesn’t look anything like the other George Harrison,” Andrea said. “I’ve seen pictures of him.”

  “Haven’t you ever heard of plastic surgery?” I asked her. “And he obviously dyed his hair blond so he would look completely different.”

  “He did not.”

  “Did too.”

  We went back and forth like that for a while. But guess who came back into the vomitorium at that moment.

  It was Mr. Harrison.

  “It’s time for the big birthday celebration!” he said, all excited. “If you want some cake, you need to go to the all-purpose room right away.”

  I love cake! I was about to run out of the vomitorium, but Mr. Harrison grabbed me.

  “Whoa! Not so fast, A.J.,” he said. “It’s slippery in here. You might fall down and get hurt. I want to hold your hand.”

  WHAT?!

  I looked at Alexia. Alexia looked at Ryan. Ryan looked at Michael. Michael looked at Neil. Neil looked at Andrea.

  And we all mouthed the same words.

  “I want to hold your hand?”

  See? I told you that Mr. Harrison was one of the Beatles!

  Chapter 7

  The Weirdest Thing in the History of the World

  We wanted to ask Mr. Harrison if he was one of the Beatles, but there was no time. We had to rush to the all-purpose room for the big birthday celebration. I was right behind Alexia.

  When we got there, a giant cake was on the stage. I mean giant! There must have been enough cake for everybody in the whole school to have a piece. And it was covered with candles. I guess there were ninety of them, for Ella Mentry’s birthday. Mr. Harrison went up onstage and started lighting them.

  I saw Mayor Hubble talking to Mr. Klutz at the front of the room. Some guys were carrying around a big TV camera. I didn’t see Ella Mentry anywhere.

  Before we could sit down, a lady I never saw before grabbed me by the arm. She was wearing a hat that said PRESS on it, and she pulled out a pad and a pen.

  “My name is Mrs. Lilly,” she said. “I work for the News Tribune Bulletin Inquirer. Can I ask you kids a few questions?”

  “Sure,” Alexia and I replied.

  “So what’s your name, young man?” Mrs. Lilly asked.

  “My name is A.J. and I hate school,” I told her.

  “Hello, little girl,” Mrs. Lilly said. “What’s your name?”

  “My name is A.J. and I hate school,” said Alexia.

  “Both of you are named A.J.?” Mrs. Lilly asked us.

  “Yes.”

  “And both of you hate school?”

  “Yes.”

  “Tell me why,” she said. “I need to get a scoop for my paper.”

  “Why do you need a scoop?” I asked. “Did your dog make a poop?”

  “No, I mean I’m here to get the real story about Ella Mentry School,” Mrs. Lilly said. “I want the story behind the story.”

  “Well, the teachers here are all crazy,” Alexia told her.

  “Is that so?” Mrs. Lilly said as she jotted down notes in her pad. “Tell me more.”

  “Our teacher, Mr. Granite, is from another planet,” I told her. “He built a spaceship powered by potatoes so he could go home, but a cow bumped into it and it crashed into the playground.”

  “Interesting!” said Mrs. Lilly, writing quickly on her pad.

  “Hey, can we press on your hat?” Alexia asked Mrs. Lilly.

  “Why do you want to press on my hat?”

  “Because it says press on it!” I told her. “Duh!”

  Mrs. Lilly is silly. She wanted to ask us more questions, but Mr. Klutz made a peace sign, so everybody had to shut up.

  “Take a seat, A.J.,” he said.

  “I can’t,” I said. “All the seats are screwed to the floor.”

  “He means sit down,” Alexia told me.

  I knew that.

  “Some people might say Ella Mentry School is old,” Mr. Klutz announced into the microphone. “Some people say it’s falling apart. Not me. Our school has character blah blah blah. And our school has history blah blah blah. And our school has blah blah blah blah blah blah.”

  Mr. Klutz’s speech was really boring. Then Mayor Hubble got up to speak.

  “Blah blah blah blah,” he said. “Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.”

  I thought I was gonna die.

  “And now I would like to introduce our honored guest of the day,” the mayor said. “The namesake of Ella Mentry Elementary School, Mrs. . . . Ella . . . Mentry!”

  Mrs. Mentry is really old, and she came toddling out on the stage with a cane. That lady is tiny. She was about the size of R2-D2 in Star Wars. Mr. Klutz adjusted the microphone so Ella Mentry could reach it.

  “I’m so happy your school was named after me,” Mrs. Mentry told us. “Because when you get to be my age, you forget things. And if I ever forget my name, I know that all I need to do is walk down the street and see it in big letters on the side of your school.”

  We weren’t sure if Ella Mentry was making a joke or not. Maybe she really does have to walk by our school to remember her name. We all laughed, just to be on the safe side.

  “You say it’s your birthday,” Ella Mentry said. “It’s my birthday, too!”

  Everybody cheered. She went behind the giant birthday cake and started to sing “Happy Birthday.” The whole school joined in. It was loud!

  When the song was over, Mrs. Mentry started to blow out the candles. There were like a million hundred of them. I thought she was gonna pass out.

  Ella Mentry was in the middle of blowing out the candles when the weirdest thing in the history of the world happened.

  I’m not going to tell you what it was.

  Okay, okay, I’ll tell you.

  All the lights went out!

  Chapter 8

  Freaking Out

  Suddenly, we were all sitting there in the dark. The only light was coming from the candles on Ella Mentry’s birthday cake. For a few seconds nobody knew what to do. It was scary!

  “Everyone remain calm,” said Mr. Klutz.

  “The lights in the halls are out too,” hollered Mr. Macky.

  “The computers in the front office are down,” shouted Mrs. Patty from the back of the all-purpose room.

  “Everything is down,” said one of the other teachers. “It’s a total power failure.”

  “A blackout!” said Mayor Hubble. “Oh no! When the parents find out, they’ll blame it on me, and I won’t be reelected.”

  “Why is it that every time I come to visit your school, something bad happens?” asked Ella Mentry. “I’ve had enough of this!”

  “I’m sure the lights will come back on any second, Mrs. Mentry,” said Mr. Klutz.

  “Let’s not panic,” said Mrs. Jafee.

  “I’m afraid of the dark!” whined one of the first graders.

  “I want my mommy!” yelled some other little kid.

  Sheesh, get a grip! It was like the first graders had never been in the dark before. Those kids should take a chill pill.

  The only problem was that as soon as one of those little first-grade munchkins starts in crying, all the rest of the first graders start in crying, too. And once all the first graders start in crying, the second graders start yelling and screaming. And once all the second graders start yelling and screaming, the third graders start freaking out.

  “The world is coming to an end!” shouted Michael.

  “Run for your life!” shouted Ryan.

  “We’re all going to die!” I shouted, just for the fun of it.

  Mr. Klutz was probably making the shut-up peace sign with his fingers, but nobody could see it because it was too dark.

  “Mrs. Mentry, are you okay?” Mr. Klutz shouted.

  No reply.

  “Mrs. Mentry?”

  Silence. You could hear a pin drop in there.5

  “Mrs. Mentry, where are you?” asked Mayor Hubble.

  Nothing.

  “Where’s Mrs. Mentry?” yelled Mr. Klutz.

  “Where’s Mrs. Mentry?” yelled Mrs. Jafee.

  “Where’s Mrs. Mentry?” yelled Mr. Granite.

  “Where’s Mrs. Mentry?” everybody was yelling.

  Mrs. Mentry was gone!

  Chapter 9

  The Search Party

  When all the kids realized that Ella Mentry was missing, they stopped crying and yelling and screaming and freaking out. Everybody was worried about Mrs. Mentry.

  “I’m sure the lights will be back on any moment and we’ll find Mrs. Mentry,” said Mr. Klutz. “For now I need everyone to stay calm.”

  Calm? Who can stay calm when all the lights are out and the ninety-year-old lady the school is named after has dis-appeared?

  “Ella?” the teachers were all saying. “Where are you, Mrs. Mentry?”

  “She was right here a minute ago,” said Ms. Coco, the gifted and talented teacher. “I saw her standing there.”

  “Maybe she went to the bathroom,” said Mr. Docker, the science teacher.

  “Maybe she’s hiding,” suggested Mrs. Yonkers.

  “Yoo-hoo!” said Miss Laney. “Mrs. Mentry? Come out, come out, wherever you are!”

  “This is a tragedy!” said Mr. Klutz. “How do you lose a ninety-year-old lady?”

  “She’s pretty tiny,” said Mrs. Jafee. “She could be anywhere.”

  “We have to find her,” said Mayor Hubble. “If anything happens to Mrs. Mentry, the voters are going to blame me for it on Election Day.”

  All the grown-ups were upset. Well, all the grown-ups were upset except for one: that newspaper reporter, Mrs. Lilly.

  “Now I have a story!” she said excitedly. “I can see the headline: ex-teacher ella mentry vanishes into thin air! police are baffled! Finally, I’ll have the scoop I’ve been waiting for my whole life!”

  “Why don’t you just go to a store and buy a scoop?” I asked.

  Mr. Harrison lit all the candles on the cake again. Now we could see a little.

  “Mr. Klutz,” he said, “I think I know where Mrs. Mentry might be.”

  “Where?”

  “She may have wandered down to the basement,” Mr. Harrison said. “But to get to her, I’m going to need some little people.”

  “Why?” asked Mr. Klutz.

  “I think she fell in a hole,” said Mr. Harrison.

  “She fell in a hole?” somebody yelled.

  “She fell on a hoe?” somebody else yelled.

  “She flew in a hotel?” somebody else yelled.

  Everybody was yelling out all kinds of crazy stuff that had nothing to do with falling in a hole.

  “You say you need some little people,” Mr. Klutz asked. “How little?”

  “First graders and second graders might be too little,” said Mr. Harrison. “Fourth and fifth graders might be too big. I need some third graders.”

  “I volunteer!” shouted Ryan, Michael, and Neil the nude kid.

  “We do too!” said me and Alexia.

  “I want to help find Mrs. Mentry too,” said Andrea, who always wants to help grown-ups so they’ll like her. Then, of course, Emily volunteered because she does everything that Andrea does.

  “Good!” said Mr. Harrison. “Each of you come up here and take a piece of cake with a candle on it. We’ll use the candles to light our way until the lights come back on. You won’t see me.”