Miss kraft is daft, p.3
Miss Kraft Is Daft!,
p.3
“What was that loud bang?” he asked.
“Arlo dropped a bunch of books on the floor,” Andrea said, a little smile on her face.
“Why did you do that, A.J.?” asked Mr. Klutz. He looked mad.
“I-I thought everybody was going to drop their books at one o’clock,” I explained. “That was the plan.”
“The plan?” said Mr. Klutz. “You planned to have everyone drop their books on the floor? Is that your idea of fun? One more stunt like that and you will be suspended, young man!”
“B-b-b-but …”
Everybody started giggling because I said “but” again.
10
Getting Suspended
Wow, Mr. Klutz was really mad. And so was I. When we went out for recess, I gave everybody a piece of my mind.
Well, I didn’t really give them a piece of my mind. If I did that, I would have less mind for myself. But I told them how angry I was.
“How come you guys didn’t drop your books on the floor at one o’clock?” I asked. “That was the plan!”
“We chickened out,” Ryan told me, “so we called off the Big Book Drop.”
“Why didn’t anybody tell me you called off the Big Book Drop?” I asked them.
“I thought you told A.J.,” Ryan said to Michael.
“I thought you told A.J.,” Michael said to Neil.
“I thought you told A.J.,” Neil said to Alexia.
“I thought you told A.J.,” Alexia said to Ryan.
“Nobody told me!” I yelled at them. “And now if I do one more bad thing, I’m going to get suspended.”
“What does being suspended mean anyway?” asked Alexia.
“It means you get kicked out of school,” I told her.
“Kicked out of school?” she said. “So you won’t have to go to school anymore?”
“That’s right.”
“Hey, that means you get to stay home and watch TV,” Ryan told me.
“It sounds pretty good to me,” said Michael.
“Yeah,” said Neil. “I wish I could get suspended. You’re lucky, A.J.”
“That can’t be right,” said Alexia. “Are you sure that being suspended means you get to stay home and watch TV?”
That’s when Emily and Little Miss I-Know-Everything walked by.
“Hey Andrea,” shouted Ryan. “You know everything. What does being suspended mean?”
“I’ll look it up!” Andrea said cheerfully.
She reached into her pocket and pulled out a little dictionary. I guess she carries it with her wherever she goes so she can look up words and show everybody how smart she is.
Andrea leafed through her dictionary for a minute until she found the right page.
“Ah, here it is,” she said. “‘Suspend. To hang.’ Suspend means ‘to hang.’”
“So if A.J. does one more bad thing,” Neil said, “Mr. Klutz is going to hang him!”
“WHAT?!” I yelled. “I don’t want to be hanged!”
“Sorry, dude,” said Alexia. “It’s in the dictionary, so it must be true.”
“I wonder if the past tense of ‘hang’ is ‘hanged’ or ‘hung’?” said Andrea.
“Who cares!?” I yelled.
“Yeah, either way, it’s gotta hurt,” said Neil.
“I wonder if Mr. Klutz is going to hang you by your feet or by your neck, A.J.,” said Michael.
“If you get hung by your neck, your head might fall off,” said Ryan.
“Yeah, but if you get hung by your feet, all the blood rushes to your head and it explodes,” said Neil the nude kid.
“It’s been nice knowing you, A.J.,” said Ryan.
This was turning out to be the worst day since TV Turnoff Week.
11
The Most Amazing Trick Ever
When we got back to class after recess, there was a long wooden box in the front of the room. It looked like the kind of box that they use to bury people in.
“Welcome, ladies and gentlemen!” Miss Kraft announced. “Are you ready to witness my most amazing trick ever?”
“Yeah!” everybody shouted.
“No,” I said.
“What’s the matter, A.J.?” asked Miss Kraft. “I thought you liked magic tricks.”
“If Mr. Klutz catches me doing one more bad thing, he’s going to hang me,” I told her. “So I don’t want to be involved in any more tricks.”
“Don’t worry about Mr. Klutz,” Miss Kraft told me. “I know how to take care of him.”
“So what’s your most amazing trick ever, Miss Kraft?” asked Neil the nude kid.
“I’m going to saw one of you in half!” she announced.
“Cool!” we all shouted. Sawing people in half is just about the coolest thing in the history of the world.
“Where did you get that big box?” asked Ryan.
“At a big-box store,” said Miss Kraft. “Okay, which one of you wants to get sawed in half?”
“Me! Me! Me!” we all shouted.
“Not me,” said Little Miss Perfect. “I don’t like violence.”
“What do you have against violins?” I asked her.
“Not violins, Arlo,” Andrea said, rolling her eyes. “Violence!”
I knew that violins and violence were two different things. I was just yanking Andrea’s chain.
“Okay,” said Miss Kraft as she opened the lid of the big box, “the student who gets to be sawed in half will be … ANDREA!”
“Yay!” shouted everybody except for Andrea.
“Please come up to the front of the room, Andrea, and climb into the big box.”
Andrea looked really mad. She was the only one who didn’t want to get sawed in half, and now she was going to be sawed in half. Ha! Nah-nah-nah boo-boo on her.
At first I thought she would refuse to do it. But Andrea always does anything a grown-up tells her to do, so she went up to the front of the room and climbed into the big box. There was a hole at one end for her head to poke through.
“Are you comfy?” Miss Kraft asked Andrea. “I want to make sure you’re comfortable before I saw you in half.”
“Yes,” Andrea said, but she sounded like she didn’t mean it. She looked like she might cry.
Miss Kraft went to the closet and took out a saw. It was gigantic!
“Eeeeeeeeeeeek!” Andrea screamed as she looked at the saw.
“Don’t worry,” Miss Kraft assured Andrea. “This won’t hurt a bit.”
“I’m scared!” said Emily, the big crybaby.
Miss Kraft started sawing the box. Sawdust was flying everywhere. Andrea closed her eyes. The saw dug into the box.*
“I am The Great Kraftini!” shouted Miss Kraft as she pushed and pulled the saw back and forth.
“Help!” Andrea shouted. “Stop!”
“We’ve got to do something!” Emily shouted, and then she went running out of the room.
“Whew, this is hard work!” Miss Kraft said after a few minutes of sawing. She wiped her face with a tissue. Then she wiped Andrea’s face with a tissue.
“Can we stop now?” Andrea begged.
“Stop?” said Miss Kraft. “I’m only halfway done. You know what they say: If you start a job, you should always finish it.”
Miss Kraft went back to sawing for a few minutes, and then she stopped again.
“I’m tired!” she said. “Who wants to take over?”
“Me! Me! Me!” everybody shouted.
“A.J. should take over,” Neil said. “He hates Andrea more than anybody.”
It was true. Nobody hates Andrea more than I do. Sawing her in half would be the greatest moment of my life.
But I knew what would happen. I’d start sawing Andrea in half, and then Mr. Klutz would walk in and suspend me.
Everybody started chanting. “A.J.! A.J.! A.J.!”
“Would you like to finish sawing Andrea in half, A.J.?” asked Miss Kraft.
I really wanted to saw Andrea in half. But at the same time, I really didn’t want to get into trouble again. I was faced with the hardest decision of my life.
I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to do. I was concentrating so hard that my brain hurt.
“A.J.,” said Ryan, “if you don’t want to saw Andrea in half, that must mean you’re in love with her.”
WHAT?!
“That’s right,” said Michael. “A.J., you can prove once and for all that you’re not secretly in love with Andrea by sawing her in half.”
“Let me out of here!” Andrea shouted. “I don’t want anybody to saw me in half!”
“Okay,” I finally agreed. “I’ll do it!”
“Yay!” shouted everybody except for Andrea.
I went up to the front of the class, and Miss Kraft handed me the saw.
“Are you sure it’s going to be okay?” I asked her.
“Sure I’m sure,” she replied. “Go ahead. I’ve done this trick a million times. Nothing can go wrong.”
I started sawing the box.
“Help! Help!” Andrea shouted. “Don’t do it! Stop, Arlo!”
The sawdust was flying and Andrea was screaming and everybody was hooting and hollering. This was the greatest day of my life.
“Oooooo!” Ryan said. “A.J. is sawing Andrea in half. They must be in love!”
“When are you gonna get married?” asked Michael.
If those guys weren’t my best friends, I would hate them.
“Help! No! Stop!” Andrea shouted. I was almost finished sawing through the box.
And you’ll never believe in a million hundred years who walked into the room at that moment.
I’m not going to tell you.
Okay, okay, I’ll tell you.
But you have to read the next chapter. So nah-nah-nah boo-boo on you.
12
The Return of Mr. Granite
Okay, so where were we? Oh, yeah, I was sawing Andrea in half while she was screaming and begging for me to stop. That’s when guess who walked into the room.
Mr. Klutz! And he was madder than I had ever seen him. I thought his eyes were going to pop out of his head like in the cartoons.
“A.J.!” he shouted, grabbing the saw out of my hand. “What are you doing?”
“Uh … nothing,” I replied.
If you get caught doing something really bad and somebody asks you what you’re doing, always say “Nothing”—even if you have a giant saw in your hand and you’re about to saw somebody in half. That’s the first rule of being a kid.
“Sawing students in half is not acceptable behavior in school!” Mr. Klutz yelled. “That’s it! I warned you several times, A.J. You are suspended … for the rest of your life!”
“What?! I didn’t do anything!” I shouted. “Miss Kraft! Tell him this was all your idea!”
That’s when the most amazing thing in the history of the world happened. Miss Kraft snapped her fingers.
Well, that’s not the amazing part, because anybody can snap their fingers. The amazing part was that when Miss Kraft snapped her fingers, a big puff of smoke appeared where Mr. Klutz was standing. And when the smoke cleared, Mr. Klutz was gone!
Zap! Just like that. We got to see it live and in person. You should have been there!
“How did you do that?” we were all asking. “Where did Mr. Klutz go?”
“A magician never reveals her secrets,” Miss Kraft said. “I told you I would take care of Mr. Klutz.”
Well, that’s pretty much what happened. We didn’t see Mr. Klutz for the rest of the day. I don’t know where he went.
When I got home, my mom had a snack waiting for me in the kitchen.*
“How was school today?” she asked. “Did anything interesting happen?”
“Nah,” told her. “School is boring.”
“You say that every day, A.J.,” my mom said. “Interesting things must happen at school sometimes.”
“Nope.”
Well, I wasn’t going to tell her that Mr. Granite almost died, or that I tied up Miss Kraft, or that I sawed Andrea in half, or that Mr. Klutz suspended me and disappeared in a puff of smoke.
When I got to school the next morning, Miss Kraft was gone and Mr. Granite was back in our class. He wasn’t sneezing and honking and blowing his nose anymore.
“Okay everybody,” he said, “turn to page twenty-three in your math books. I’ve been waiting all year to do this lesson, and today we’re finally going to do it.”
“Uh, Mr. Granite,” I said, “we did page twenty-three yesterday.”
“Nice try, A.J.,” said Mr. Granite. “I know you’re just trying to get out of doing math, like always.”
“No, he’s telling the truth for once in his life, Mr. Granite,” said Andrea. “We already did page twenty-three.”
“Yeah,” everybody said.
“Is that so?” said Mr. Granite. “Well, if you kids think you’re so smart, what’s eleven times eleven?”
“A hundred and twenty-one!” we all shouted.
“WHAT?!” said Mr. Granite. “How did you know that?”
“Mr. Bongo taught us,” said Ryan. “He’s a sock puppet.”
That’s when Mr. Granite did the weirdest thing in the history of the world. He went over to the window, opened it, and jumped out!
Maybe Mr. Granite will come back to class someday. Maybe we’ll find out where Mr. Klutz went. Maybe people will stop blowing their noses into garbage cans. Maybe we’ll get to bungee jump in the all-purpose room. Maybe Miss Kraft will stop running into doors, juggling brains, and pulling handkerchiefs out of her nose. Maybe Mr. Bongo will become a real teacher. Maybe I’ll throw my nostrils under the table. Maybe our real sub will escape from the lion’s cage at the circus. Maybe we’ll do another book drop. Maybe I’ll get another chance to saw Andrea in half. Maybe I’ll be able to talk my parents into letting me go to clown college.
But it won’t be easy!
About the Author and Illustrator
Dan Gutman has written many weird books for kids. He lives in New Jersey (a very weird place) with his weird wife and two weird children. You can visit him on his weird website at www.dangutman.com.
Jim Paillot lives in Arizona (another weird place) with his weird wife and two weird children. Isn’t that weird? You can visit him on his weird website at www.jimpaillot.com.
Visit www.AuthorTracker.com for exclusive information on your favorite HarperCollins authors and artists.
Copyright
My Weirder School #7: Miss Kraft Is Daft!
Text copyright © 2013 by Dan Gutman
Illustrations copyright © 2013 by Jim Paillot
All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.
* * *
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available.
ISBN 978-0-06-204216-3 (lib. bdg.) — ISBN 978-0-06-204215-6 (pbk.)
EPub Edition © NOVEMBER 2012: 9780062042170
* * *
13 14 15 16 17 CG/BR 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
First Edition
About the Publisher
Australia
HarperCollins Publishers (Australia) Pty. Ltd.
Level 13, 201 Elizabeth Street
Sydney, NSW 2000, Australia
http://www.harpercollins.com.au
Canada
HarperCollins Canada
2 Bloor Street East - 20th Floor
Toronto, ON, M4W, 1A8, Canada
http://www.harpercollins.ca
New Zealand
HarperCollins Publishers (New Zealand) Limited
P.O. Box 1
Auckland, New Zealand
http://www.harpercollins.co.nz
United Kingdom
HarperCollins Publishers Ltd.
77-85 Fulham Palace Road
London, W6 8JB, UK
http://www.harpercollins.co.uk
United States
HarperCollins Publishers Inc.
10 East 53rd Street
New York, NY 10022
http://www.harpercollins.com
*Warning: This chapter is inappropriate for children. And grown-ups.
*That is, if he had any hair. Hey, maybe that’s how he lost his hair in the first place!
*Do you want to know the surprise ending? Well, I’m not going to tell you. So nah-nah-nah boo-boo on you!
*The straws, that is, not my nostrils. It would be weird to throw your nostrils under a table.
*Ask your teacher if you can try this at your school!
*You should have been there!
*Well, the snack wasn’t waiting for me. My mom was.
Dan Gutman, Miss Kraft Is Daft!
