Ms joni is a phony, p.3
Ms. Joni Is a Phony!,
p.3
“B-but . . . but . . . but . . .”
“You’re going to be fabulous!” said Ms. Joni, giving me a bathing suit to put on. “I can’t wait to shoot pictures of you.”
But first, Ms. Joni said she had to take yearbook pictures of all the other kids. Everybody was looking into mirrors and combing their hair.
“Can I go first?” asked Ryan as he put on his sunglasses. “I want to look like a secret agent.”
“Sure!” said Ms. Joni.
She had Ryan stand in front of a big green screen. Then she pushed a button on her computer, and a picture of a racing car appeared on the screen behind Ryan. It looked just like he was standing in front of the car. It was cool.
Snap!
Ryan slinked around like a secret agent, and Ms. Joni took his picture.
Snap!
“Smile!” she told Ryan.
“Secret agents don’t smile,” Ryan replied. “Smiling isn’t cool.”
“Oh, yeah?” said Ms. Joni. “Then I’ll tell you a joke to make you smile.”
“It won’t work,” Ryan said. “Nobody can make me smile if I don’t want to.”
“What’s brown and sticky?” asked Ms. Joni.
“What?”
“A brown stick!” said Ms. Joni.
That was totally not funny. Ryan didn’t laugh.
“Okay,” said Ms. Joni, “you have forced me to say the one word in the English language that’s guaranteed to make any third grader laugh.”
Everybody leaned forward. We wanted to know the one word in the English language that would make us laugh. We were all on pins and needles.
Well, not really. We were just standing there. If we were on pins and needles, it would have hurt.
“What word is it?” I asked.
“Do you really want me to say it?” asked Ms. Joni. “It’s naughty.”
“Yes!” we all shouted.
“Okay,” said Ms. Joni. “Here it is. The word is . . . ‘UNDERWEAR’!”
Ryan cracked up, and Ms. Joni took the picture.
Snap!
She was right. We all cracked up when she said the word “underwear.” It’s the one word in the English language that’s guaranteed to make any third grader laugh. Nobody knows why.
Ms. Joni let everybody pick costumes and props out of a big box and then had them stand in front of the green screen. She could project just about any background on it. Michael stood in front of the White House holding a soccer ball. Neil stood on a mountaintop with a sombrero on his head. Andrea stood in the middle of a forest holding a teddy bear. Everybody’s picture looked different. It was cool.
“Fabulous!” said Ms Joni. “I think we’re just about finished with your class. There’s just one more student I need to shoot. . . . Fabulo!”
I came out of the locker room wearing the bathing suit Ms. Joni had given me, and everybody went nuts. They were all whistling and hooting and hollering.
“Do I really have to wear this?” I asked.
“You look fabulous, Fabulo!” said Ms. Joni.
“And remember,” said Ryan, “you’re going to make bazillions.”
A bunch of Ms. Joni’s flunkies swarmed all over me. They put some stinky gunk on my hair, and then they combed and blow-dried it. It looked weird. Ms. Joni gave me a surfboard and told me to stand in front of the green screen.
She pushed a button, and a picture of the ocean appeared on the screen so it looked like I was standing on the beach. Next, she turned on bright lights and a big fan, and pointed them at me. I was blinded, and my hair was blowing all over the place.
“This will make it look like you’re on a windswept tropical paradise,” Ms. Joni said as she picked up her camera. “They love that at Sports America. Okay, let’s make some magic, people!”
“What should I do?” I asked.
“Just be your fabulous self, Fabulo,” she replied.
I moved a garbage can to the front of the screen and put the surfboard on top of it. Then I climbed up and pretended to be surfing. Ms. Joni took the picture.
Snap!
“Fabulous!” shouted Ms. Joni. “Now drop your chin, Fabulo.”
“I can’t drop my chin,” I told her. “It’s attached to my head. How am I supposed to drop it?”
“Leg up,” shouted Ms. Joni.
I put my leg up.
Snap!
“Not there. There.”
Snap!
“That’s fabulous! Tilt your head to the right.”
Snap!
“No, a little left.”
Snap!
“Smile.”
Snap!
“Now frown.”
Snap!
“Put the surfboard on your head.”
Snap!
“Look like you just tasted ice cream for the first time.”
Snap!
“Now look like you just ate some food that’s past its expiration date.”
Snap!
“Look like you just found out there’s no school tomorrow.”
Snap!
“Look like your dog just died.”
Snap!
“Fabulous! The camera loves you! You’re an animal, Fabulo! Pretend to be a tiger.”
“I thought you just wanted me to be myself,” I said.
“Be yourself,” said Ms. Joni, “but with more teeth.”
Snap!
“A little more teeth.”
“These are all the teeth I have!” I yelled.
Snap!
It went on like that for a million hundred minutes. I was exhausted. But it would be worth it to be a famous supermodel making bazillions.
That’s when the strangest thing in the history of the world happened. Ms. Joni put down the camera. It looked like something was wrong.
“What’s that?” she said, pointing behind me.
I turned around.
Out of the corner of my eye, I spotted something. Or somebody. There was movement.
It was big.
It was hairy.
It was scary.
And it was running away.
It could have been Bigfoot. It could have been an alien from another planet. It could have been anything.
Everybody started shouting and pointing.
“It’s a monster!” shouted Ryan.
“It’s a zombie!” shouted Neil.
“It’s the Picture Day Zombie!” I shouted.
“Run for your lives!” shouted Neil the nude kid.
Okay, I know I told you there weren’t going to be any zombies in this book. But what am I supposed to do? Zombies don’t tell you when they’re coming. The Picture Day Zombie just showed up! I have no control over what zombies do in their spare time.
“Grab that zombie!” I shouted.
It was too late. The zombie had already dashed out of the gym.
“Get him!” Ryan shouted.
My whole class ran out of the gym and down the hall just in time to see the zombie turn the corner.
“That zombie is fast!” shouted Alexia.
We chased the zombie past the science room.
Past the all-purpose room.
Past the front office.
Mr. Klutz was standing there.
“No running in the halls, kids!” he shouted at us.
“We’re chasing a zombie!” I shouted to him.
“Oh, then running is okay,” shouted Mr. Klutz.
We were gaining on the zombie, but then it ran out the back door of the school into the playground.
“Grab it before it escapes into the woods!” shouted Michael.
Isn’t this exciting? Chase scenes are always exciting. They should have a TV channel that shows nothing but chase scenes. I would watch that all day.
Anyway, we chased the zombie past the monkey bars and the soccer field. Finally, we caught up with it at the edge of the playground.
We tackled it and pinned it to the ground.
The zombie tried to get free, but we wouldn’t let go.
It had a hideous face. I thought I was gonna throw up. But then I realized that the zombie’s hideous face was actually some kind of hideous rubber mask.
“It’s time to reveal the true identity of the Picture Day Zombie!” I announced.
Carefully, I lifted the hideous mask off the zombie’s head. And you’ll never believe whose face was underneath.
I could make you wait until the next chapter to find out who the zombie was.
But that would be mean.
I could tell you that we were all on pins and needles.
But that would be mean.
I could say there was electricity in the air.
But that would be mean.
I could say we were glued to our seats.
But that would be mean. And weird. Who puts glue on seats?
So I’ll just tell you. The Picture Day Zombie was . . . Andrea!*
“Eeeek!” screamed Emily. “Andrea! You’re the Picture Day Zombie? How could you do such a thing?”
Everybody was out in the playground now, even Mr. Klutz. Andrea was crying.
“I was mad because Arlo is going to be a supermodel instead of me,” Andrea admitted through her tears. “I’m sorry. I’ll never do it again.”
“A.J., do you accept Andrea’s apology?” asked Mr. Klutz.
“Yeah, I guess,” I said.
“Ooooo!” Ryan said. “A.J. accepted Andrea’s apology. They must be in love!”
“When are you gonna get married?” asked Michael.
If those guys weren’t my best friends, I would hate them.
When we got back inside the school, Ms. Joni had left. I figured she went to Sports America to give them the pictures of me. It was only a matter of time until I would be a famous supermodel earning bazillions.
But that didn’t happen. A week went by and I didn’t hear from Ms. Joni. I was beginning to think that Ms. Joni was a phony.
But then, a couple of days later, I was in Mr. Cooper’s class when an announcement came over the loudspeaker.
“A.J., please report to Mr. Klutz’s office.”
“Ooooo!” Ryan said. “A.J. is in trouble!”
I walked by myself to Mr. Klutz’s office. I figured he was going to tell me that I would have to leave school to go become a famous supermodel. Instead of learning math and stuff, I would be spending all my time traveling around the world on photo shoots and dancing at discos with other supermodels.
But that didn’t happen either. You’ll never believe who was in the office with Mr. Klutz.
Ms. Joni!
“Hello, A.J.,” she said.
“A.J.?” I replied. “My name is Fabulo, remember?”
“Not anymore,” Ms. Joni told me. “Those pictures I took of you were ruined by the fake zombie. So you’re not going to be in the Sports America swimsuit issue after all. I’m sorry.”
Bummer in the summer!
“But that’s not why I called you down here, A.J.,” said Mr. Klutz as he opened his drawer. “The school yearbook is in.”
“Cool!” I said. “Can I see it?”
Mr. Klutz took out the yearbook and turned to the photo of the whole school.
“Can you explain this, A.J.?” Mr. Klutz asked me.
“Explain what?”
“I see your face on this side of the photo,” he said, pointing to the picture, “and then I see your face again on the other side of the photo.”
I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to do. I had to think fast.
“Uh . . . one of those two guys isn’t me,” I finally said. “That’s my twin brother. His name is . . . P.J.”
“P.J.?” said Mr. Klutz. “I didn’t know you had a twin brother.”
“Oh, yeah,” I told him. “P.J. was just visiting that day. He lives in . . . Antarctica.”
“Why does your twin brother live in Antarctica?” asked Ms. Joni.
“He . . . uh . . . lives with a family of penguins,” I explained.
“Um-hmm,” said Mr. Klutz. “So when will we get to meet this twin brother of yours?”
“He, uh, went back to Antarctica,” I explained. “The penguins were hungry.”
“I see,” Mr. Klutz said.
I think he believed my story. He gave me the yearbook and said I could go back to class.
Out in the hallway, I flipped through the yearbook to see what my surfing picture looked like. I found the page with my name on it. And you’ll never believe in a million hundred years what it said above my name.
WHAT?!
Oh, yeah. I guess I forgot to turn in my Picture Day money. The envelope was still in my backpack.
That’s pretty much what happened. Maybe Ms. Joni will stop saying “fabulous” all the time. Maybe that family of zombies will get out of our vacuum cleaner. Maybe the girls will start coming to school with laundry bags over their heads. Maybe we’ll have to try on bananas before we buy them. Maybe my mom will blow her nose into her purse. Maybe Ryan will stop wearing diapers. Maybe Emily will rob a bank and go skiing. Maybe supermodels will use their superheat vision to warm up their food. Maybe I’ll have my cheekbones removed. Maybe I’ll get to walk down a runway while the planes are taking off. Maybe I’ll figure out a way to explain why my twin brother lives in Antarctica with the penguins.
But it won’t be easy!*
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About the Author and Illustrator
Courtesy of Dan Gutman and Jim Paillot
DAN GUTMAN has written many weird books for kids. He lives with his weird wife in New York (a very weird place). You can visit him on his weird website at www.dangutman.com.
JIM PAILLOT lives in Arizona (another weird place) with his weird wife and two weird children. Isn’t that weird? You can visit him on his weird website at www.jimpaillot.com.
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Credits
Cover art © 2017 by Jim Paillot
Copyright
MY WEIRDEST SCHOOL #7: MS. JONI IS A PHONY! Text copyright © 2017 by Dan Gutman. Illustrations copyright © 2017 by Jim Paillot. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.
www.harpercollinschildrens.com
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Library of Congress Control Number: 2016935897
ISBN 978-0-06-242929-2 (pbk. bdg.)—ISBN 978-0-06-242931-5 (library bdg.)
EPub Edition © January 2017 ISBN 9780062429322
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FIRST EDITION
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* Ha-ha, made you look! The story is up there, dumbhead!
* Hey, how come this book is called Ms. Joni Is a Phony! when there’s no character named Ms. Joni?
* Mamarazzi? Paparazzi? That’s what you call a joke!
* It’s about time she showed up!
* Don’t try this at home, kids!
* Betcha didn’t see that coming! The Picture Day Zombie wasn’t a zombie after all. So I guess you can still say there are no zombies in this book.
* If you liked this book, tell your friends. If you didn’t like it, don’t tell anybody.
Dan Gutman, Ms. Joni Is a Phony!
