“WHAT?!” everybody said.

  “Are you crazy, A.J.?” asked Ryan.

  “Look,” I explained. “Do you know why Mrs. Barr travels all over the world? It’s because she’s on the run from the cops! She’s probably a jewel thief.”

  “That’s just nuts, A.J.,” said Michael.

  “Oh, yeah?” I said. “What about all that jewelry she wears? I bet it’s stolen. That’s why she doesn’t have a job. She probably stashes her stolen jewels in that suitcase she rolls around all the time.”

  “Arlo, are you feeling okay?” asked Andrea. “Maybe you need to talk to Dr. Brad.”

  Dr. Brad is our school counselor. Kids can talk to him if they have problems. But I didn’t have any problems.

  “Think about it,” I said. “Mrs. Barr loves wearing masks. You know who else wears masks?”

  “Who?” everybody asked.

  “Robbers!” I said. “People who steal stuff.”

  “That’s ridiculous, Arlo!” said Andrea. “Mrs. Barr is a world traveler. She’s trying to help us learn geography. She’s not even getting paid. She’s teaching us out of the goodness of her heart. You should be thanking her instead of calling her a criminal.”

  “Yeah, well, I don’t trust her.”

  “Dude, every time a new grown-up comes to our school, you say you don’t trust them,” said Ryan. “You say they’re an imposter.”

  “Sometimes people are who they say they are, A.J.,” said Alexia.

  “Yeah,” said Neil. “Sometimes people do nice things just because they’re nice people.”

  “Hey, you don’t have to believe me,” I told them.

  “Good, because I don’t,” said Ryan.

  Even my best friends were ganging up on me. I went home by myself.

  The next day was Friday. After we pledged the allegiance, Mr. Cooper told us to turn to page twenty-three in our math books. That’s when an announcement came over the loudspeaker.

  “Mr. Cooper, please send A.J. to Dr. Brad’s office.”

  “Oooooooh!” everybody ooooooohed.

  I didn’t want to go to Dr. Brad’s office. One time, he hooked electrodes up to my head and gave me a lie detector test.

  But I didn’t want to do math either. So I walked a million hundred miles down the hall to Dr. Brad’s office.

  Dr. Brad looks like one of those mad scientists in the movies who strap people to a dentist chair and torture them. He said I should lie down on his couch.

  He took out a big magnifying glass and looked in my eyes. Then he looked in my ears. Then he looked in my mouth. Then he looked up my nose.*

  “Velly interesting,” he said. Dr. Brad talks funny. “Eez anyzing bozering you, A.J.?”

  “No,” I replied. “I’m fine.”

  “Any problems you vant to tell me?”

  “No.”

  “A.J.,” Dr. Brad said, “may I be frank viz you?”

  “Sure,” I told him. “I don’t care what you call yourself.”

  “Do you know vut zuh vord ‘paranoid’ means, A.J.?”

  “Yeah,” I said. “That’s what you wear when you jump out of an airplane.”

  “Ha-ha-ha,” laughed Dr. Brad. “Most amusing. Zat eez a parachute.”

  “Oh,” I said. “Paranoid is somebody who rides in an ambulance.”

  “No, zat eez a paramedic.”

  “I know,” I said. “Isn’t a paranoid one of those bugs that lives inside your body?”

  “Zat eez a parasite,” said Dr. Brad. “Zuh vord ‘paranoid’ means ven you are alvays suspicious and don’t trust anyvun.”

  “Oh,” I said, “that was my next guess.”

  “A.J., I’m going to be frank,” said Dr. Brad.

  “Okay,” I said. “I’ll be A.J.”

  “I hear zat you have been telling zee ozzer keeds zat Mrs. Barr eez zum kind of criminal.”

  “Yeah, I think she’s an international jewel thief.”

  “A.J., let me be frank,” said Dr. Brad.

  “I already said you could be Frank,” I told him.

  “Mrs. Barr eez a velly nice voomahn,” said Dr. Brad. “Eet eez zo kind of her to geeve her time to teach you keeds about geography.”

  “Then why does she open the window every time she walks into a room?” I asked. “Maybe she wants to be able to escape in case the cops show up.”

  Dr. Brad took off his glasses and rubbed his forehead.

  “A.J., let’s be frank,” he said.

  “Both of us?” I asked. “Won’t that be confusing?”

  “Vut eef Mrs. Barr zimply vants zum fresh air? Maybe zat’s vy she opens zuh vindow.”

  “Or maybe she’s a robber,” I said.

  Dr. Brad took off his glasses again and rubbed his forehead some more. I guess he needs to moisturize, like Mr. Cooper.

  “Go back to zuh classroom, A.J.”

  “Okay, Frank,” I said.

  “My name eez not Frank!” he shouted.

  Sheesh, what is his problem? He’s the one who told me to call him Frank.

  When I left Dr. Brad’s office, I went to the vomitorium, where everybody was eating lunch. We all had peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, because that’s the law.

  “What did Dr. Brad say to you?” asked Ryan.

  “Nothing,” I replied. “He just wanted to tell me that his name is Frank.”

  “So I guess you still think Mrs. Barr is a jewel thief?” asked Alexia.

  “Sure I do,” I said. “I can prove it to you.”

  “How?” everybody asked.

  “All we need to do is look inside that suitcase she pulls around,” I said. “Come on, follow me.”

  We cleaned off our plates and left the vomitorium. I didn’t know where Mrs. Barr was, but she had to be around the school somewhere. We just had to find her.

  “Shhhhhh!” I said as we sneaked down the hallway.

  We sneaked around like secret agents, peeking into classrooms. It was cool. I love sneaking around pretending to be a spy.

  “What are we gonna do when we find her?” asked Neil.

  “One of us needs to distract her,” I told him, “while the others open her suitcase and see what’s inside.”

  “I think that’s an invasion of privacy,” whispered Andrea.

  “Your face is an invasion of privacy!” I whispered back.

  We sneaked around for a million hundred minutes. No sign of Mrs. Barr.

  “This is silly, Arlo,” said Andrea. “She probably went out for lunch.”

  “She’s hiding,” I said, sneaking around a corner. “She must know we’re after her.”

  That’s when the weirdest thing in the history of the world happened. We came to a door.

  Well, that’s not the weird part. We come to doors all the time. The weird part was what happened next.

  The door was to a broom closet where our custodian, Miss Lazar, keeps cleaning supplies and stuff. There was a noise on the other side of the door. It sounded like snoring.

  “Shhhhhh!” I shhhhh-ed. “What’s that?”

  “I didn’t hear anything,” said Michael.

  I put my hand on the doorknob. I was afraid to open it because in scary movies every time somebody opens a door a monster jumps out. But I gathered up my courage and pulled open the door.

  And you’ll never believe in a million hundred years what we found in the closet.

  I’m not going to tell you.

  Okay, okay, I’ll tell you.

  It was Mrs. Barr! And she was lying on a cot, sleeping!

  “This is our chance!” I whispered. “Let’s see what’s inside her suitcase. I bet it’s filled with diamonds and rubies and stuff.”

  We got down on our hands and knees. The suitcase had a bunch of zippers on it.

  “Hurry up!” Michael whispered. “She could wake up any second!”

  “Shhhhhh!” I shhhhh-ed.

  Finally, I found the right zipper. I started pulling it.

  “Hey!”

  Mrs. Barr jumped up from the cot.

  “What are you kids doing in here?” she asked.

  “I’ll ask the questions,” I said. “What are you doing in here?”

  “Taking a nap!” replied Mrs. Barr. “I’m still a little jet-lagged. What are you doing with my suitcase?”

  “We want to know what you have in there,” I said.

  “Well, I’ll show you what I have in there,” Mrs. Barr replied as she pulled the zipper. “It’s underwear! See?”*

  She pulled out a pair of underwear. It had a picture of the Eiffel Tower on it. Then she took out another pair of underwear that said “I LOVE ITALY” on it. Then she took out another pair of underwear that had a map of Australia on it.

  “Wow,” I said. “You have a lot of underwear!”

  “It’s not mine. It’s for my dog,” said Mrs. Barr. “My hobby is collecting doggie underwear from around the world.”

  Doggie underwear? That’s a weird thing to collect. But I guess it’s not illegal. Mrs. Barr closed her suitcase.

  “We’re sorry,” said Andrea. “We didn’t mean to disturb your nap.”

  “No worries,” Mrs. Barr replied.

  We left the closet and went to class.

  “See, I told you, Arlo!” said Andrea. “Mrs. Barr isn’t a criminal.”

  Bummer in the summer! I hate it when Andrea is right. Why can’t a suitcase full of doggie underwear fall on her head?

  It was almost time for my favorite part of the day—dismissal! Everybody was gathering up their pencil cases and backpacks. That’s when Mrs. Barr came into our classroom. She was wearing the mask I made in art class.

  “I just wanted to say goodbye,” she said.

  “We’re going to miss you,” everybody said. Some of the kids went over to give Mrs. Barr hugs.

  “I’m going to miss you too,” she said as she went over and opened the window.

  “Where are you going to travel next?” asked Ryan.

  “Oh, I don’t know,” Mrs. Barr replied. “Maybe Istanbul. That’s in Turkey. Istanbul is the only major city that is in two continents. You can actually stand with one foot in Asia and one foot in Europe.”

  “Cool!” everybody said.

  “Or maybe I’ll go to Indonesia,” said Mrs. Barr. “Did you know that Indonesia has more than thirteen thousand islands?”*

  Brrrrrriiiiiinnnnngggg!

  The dismissal bell rang. That’s when the weirdest thing in the history of the world happened. Mr. Klutz came into our classroom.

  Well, that’s not the weird part. Mr. Klutz comes into our classroom all the time. The weird part was what happened next.

  “This has been a wonderful week, Mrs. Barr,” said Mr. Klutz. “I wanted to thank you for giving up your valuable time and teaching our students about geography.”

  “I have had a lovely week,” said Mrs. Barr. “Thank you for letting me visit your school.”

  And you’ll never believe who burst through the door at that moment.

  Nobody! You can’t burst through a door! When are you going to learn?

  But you’ll never believe who burst through the doorway.

  It was four policemen!

  “Freeze, dirtbag!” one of them shouted. “You’re under arrest!”

  “Who’s under arrest?” we all shouted.

  The police officers pointed at Mrs. Barr.

  “Gasp!” everybody gasped.

  “What did Mrs. Barr do?” asked Mr. Klutz.

  “She is the notorious Globetrotting Jewel Thief,” said one of the officers.

  “I knew it!” I shouted.

  “Oh, she’s a clever one,” the officer continued. “We’ve chased her from England to Italy to Asia, and across the Pacific Ocean. She hides out in schools wherever she goes. Every time we’re about to catch her, she slips away. But now we’ve finally nabbed her.”

  “Mrs. Barr, you’ve gone too far,” one of the other cops said.

  “There must be some mistake,” Mr. Cooper said. “Mrs. Barr is just a nice lady I met on vacation.”

  “Oh yeah?” said one of the officers as he grabbed Mrs. Barr’s suitcase. “Let’s have a look in here.”

  “She keeps her doggie underwear collection in there!” Andrea shouted.

  “Sure she does,” the officer said as he opened the suitcase and picked up some doggie underwear. “But underneath, the suitcase is filled with stolen jewels! See?”

  He held up a fistful of necklaces and bracelets.

  “Gasp!” everybody gasped.

  “I told you!” I shouted. “Nobody needs a whole suitcase to carry their doggie underwear!”

  “What do you have to say for yourself, Mrs. Barr?” asked Mr. Klutz.

  “But . . . but . . .” she stuttered.

  We all giggled because Mrs. Barr said “but,” which sounds just like “butt” even though it only has one T.

  “You like taking trips, lady?” one of the officers asked. “Well, you’re going to take another trip . . . to jail!”

  “How interesting,” said one of the other officers. “Her name is Barr, and that’s what she’s going to be behind. Bars!”

  “Not if I can help it!” shouted Mrs. Barr.

  And you’ll never believe what happened next.

  “You’ll never catch me, coppers!” Mrs. Barr yelled as she grabbed her suitcase. Then she ran over to the open window and jumped out of it!

  “Gasp!” we all gasped.

  “Get her!” shouted the cops.

  They all jumped out the window and chased Mrs. Barr into the street.

  “Sayonara,” she hollered as she ran away. “Au revoir! Arrivederci! Auf Wiedersehen! Adios, amigos!”

  Nobody said anything for a long time. It was Mr. Cooper who broke the silence.

  “I feel terrible,” he said. “I had no idea that Mrs. Barr was a thief. She seemed like such a nice lady.”

  “That’s okay, Mr. Cooper,” said Mr. Klutz.

  “Nobody could have guessed that Mrs. Barr was a criminal,” said Andrea.

  “Hey, I guessed she was a criminal!” I shouted at Andrea. “I tried to tell you, but you thought I was crazy!”

  “A.J. was right all along,” said Michael.

  “Now we know why Mrs. Barr had that suitcase with her all the time,” said Alexia.

  “And now we know why she opened the window every time she came into a room,” said Neil. “So she could jump out of it if the police showed up.”

  “It seems so obvious now,” said Ryan. “But except for A.J., we fell for it hook, line, and sinker.”

  WHY IS EVERYBODY ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT FISH?

  Andrea had on her mean face. I knew why she was mad—because I was right and she was wrong.

  “This was all your fault, Arlo!” she said.

  “What?!”

  “If you had been able to find Spain on the map,” said Andrea, “Mrs. Barr would have never come to our school in the first place!”

  “My fault?” I shouted. “You believed everything Mrs. Barr said! I’m the only one who knew she was a thief!”

  “Ooooh,” said Ryan. “A.J. and Andrea are having a spat. They must be in love!”

  “When are you gonna get married?” asked Michael.

  If those guys weren’t my best friends, I would hate them.

  Well, that’s pretty much what happened. Maybe Mr. Cooper will stop showing us boring pictures from his vacations. Maybe the Great Lakes will stop bragging about how great they are. Maybe Dr. Brad will stop calling himself Frank. Maybe grown-ups will put on moisturizer so they don’t have to rub their foreheads so much. Maybe everybody will stop talking about fish for no reason. Maybe the police will finally catch Mrs. Barr and put her in jail. Maybe dogs will stop wearing underwear.

  But it won’t be easy!

  About the Author and Illustrator

  Courtesy of Dan Gutman and Jim Paillot

  DAN GUTMAN has written many weird books for kids. He lives with his weird wife in New York (a very weird place). You can visit him on his weird website at www.dangutman.com.

  JIM PAILLOT lives in Arizona (another weird place) with his weird wife and two weird children. Isn’t that weird? You can visit him on his weird website at www.jimpaillot.com.

  Discover great authors, exclusive offers, and more at hc.com.

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  Copyright

  MY WEIRDER-EST SCHOOL #9: MRS. BARR HAS GONE TOO FAR!. Text copyright © 2021 by Dan Gutman. Illustrations copyright © 2021 by Jim Paillot. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.

  www.harpercollinschildrens.com

  Cover art © 2021 by Jim Paillot

  * * *

  Library of Congress Control Number: 2021938241

  Digital Edition OCTOBER 2021 ISBN: 978-0-06-291081-3

  Print ISBN: 978-0-06-291079-0

  ISBN 978-0-06-291079-0 (pbk bdg) — ISBN 978-0-06-291080-6 (lib. bdg)

  * * *

  2122232425PC/BRR10987654321

  FIRST EDITION

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