“There, it’s done,” said Mr. O’Harrison. “This is how you catch yourself a leprechaun!”

  “It’s cool,” said Ryan.

  “It’s awesome,” said Michael.

  “It’s sure to catch Larry the Leprechaun,” said Alexia. “Do you think we should paint it green?”

  “Nah!” said Mr. O’Harrison. “That’s what leprechauns expect. You’ve got to fool them if you want to catch them.”

  After Mr. O’Harrison left, it was time for us to go to science class. We walked a million hundred miles to the science lab. In the hallway, we saw Mrs. Patty with her snake basket again.

  “Would you like to touch Jake the Snake?” she asked us.

  “We already did that!” Ryan reminded her.

  “He’s my baby,” said Mrs. Patty.

  Sheesh! Mrs. Patty should give it a rest with that snake already.

  Our science teacher is Mr. Docker. I mean, Mr. O’Docker. You’ll never believe what weird thing he was doing when we walked into the science lab.

  I’m not going to tell you.

  Okay, okay, I’ll tell you. He was peeling potatoes!

  I told you it was weird. Mr. O’Docker is off his o’rocker! He was sitting there with two big buckets in front of him. One was filled with the potatoes he’d already peeled, and the other one had the potatoes he hadn’t peeled yet.

  “Mr. O’Docker,” said Alexia. “Why are you peeling potatoes?”

  “I need them for my car,” he replied.

  Oh, yeah. Mr. O’Docker has a car that doesn’t use gas or electricity. It runs on potato power.* That’s weird. After lunch, there must have been lots of extra potatoes in the vomitorium, so Mr. O’Docker was able to get some to use in his car.

  “It’s Saint Patrick’s Day,” he told us, “so let’s talk about the science of the color green . . .”

  Oh no. We had to learn more stuff.

  “Green is a very interesting color,” said Mr. O’Docker. “It’s between blue and yellow on the visible spectrum and blah blah blah blah photosynthesis blah blah blah blah camouflage blah blah blah blah environment blah blah blah blah . . .”

  He went on like that for a million hundred hours talking about the color green. What a snoozefest! Mr. O’Docker knows a lot about science. I bet he could build an awesome leprechaun trap.

  “Did you ever build a leprechaun trap, Mr. O’Docker?” I asked.

  He shook his head and made a little frown.

  “I hate to be the one to tell you kids this,” he replied, “but leprechauns don’t exist in the real world. They’re just imaginary creatures, like fairies and elves.”

  Wait. Fairies and elves aren’t real? Who knew?

  Mr. O’Docker explained that scientists don’t believe in things unless they have proof. He told us about something called the scientific method, which is how scientists prove what’s true and what isn’t. He went on for a million hundred hours explaining the scientific method.

  “Blah blah blah blah . . .”

  I had no idea what he was talking about. Finally, Mr. O’Docker stopped talking.

  “Any questions?” he asked.

  “Yes,” I said, raising my hand. “Can I go to the bathroom?”

  “I don’t know, A.J.,” said Mr. O’Docker. “Can you go to the bathroom?”

  Oh, I keep forgetting. We’re not supposed to say, “Can I go to the bathroom?” We’re supposed to say, “May I go to the bathroom?” Nobody knows why.

  “May I go to the bathroom?” I asked.

  “Certainly, A.J.”

  Mr. O’Docker said we could take a bathroom break before going back to class. Ryan and I went to the boys’ bathroom, which is right across the hall from the science room. I went into one of the stalls. And you’ll never believe what I found in there.

  If you guessed “a toilet,” you’re right! Of course there was a toilet in the stall. What else would you find in a bathroom stall?

  But it just so happens that there was something else in the stall. On the wall above the toilet, somebody had written words in green glitter . . .

  Tricky, tricky, you tried to be.

  Try again, you won’t catch me!

  I looked down. On the toilet seat, there were two small green footprints.

  Then I looked in the toilet. The water . . . was green!

  WHAT?! Larry the Leprechaun must have peed in our toilet!

  “AHHHHHHH!” I screamed.

  Ryan was washing his hands at the sink. He came running over.

  “What’s the matter?” he asked. “Did you fall into the toilet bowl?”

  “No!” I shouted. “Larry the Leprechaun peed in it!”

  “That’s proof that leprechauns exist!” said Ryan. “Their pee must be green!”

  “Larry the Leprechaun should remember to flush,” I said.

  We checked the other stalls. None of them had green pee in them, but one had a bunch of jelly beans on the floor.

  “Why would a leprechaun scatter jelly beans on the floor?” Ryan asked.

  “Those aren’t jelly beans!” I shouted. “They’re leprechaun poops!”

  “AHHHHHHH!” we both screamed.

  We ran out of the boys’ bathroom in a panic. Alexia and Emily were in the hallway ahead of us.

  “A leprechaun peed in the girls’ bathroom!” Alexia shouted.

  “AHHHHHHH!”

  “That means there’s more than one leprechaun!” yelled Ryan.

  “Maybe they’re a husband-and-wife leprechaun team!” hollered Emily.

  We ran into the science room to tell Mr. O’Docker the big news.

  “Leprechauns are peeing and pooping in the bathrooms!” I shouted.

  “This proves that leprechauns are real!” said Alexia.

  “Yeah,” said Emily. “We used the scientific method.”

  Mr. O’Docker wasn’t convinced.

  “Did any of you actually see a leprechaun in the bathroom?” asked Mr. O’Docker.

  “No,” we admitted.

  “Did you hear a leprechaun in the bathroom?”

  “No.”

  “Then you don’t have proof,” said Mr. O’Docker. “A scientist will do careful experiments before coming to a conclusion. Let me know when you find some real proof.”

  We walked a million hundred miles back to class.

  “I don’t care what Mr. O’Docker says,” Alexia whispered. “I think leprechauns are real.”

  “Yeah,” I agreed. “Science teachers don’t know everything.”

  We were just about to enter our classroom when the weirdest thing in the history of the world happened. Mrs. Patty was outside our door. She looked upset.

  “Jake the Snake . . .” she began.

  “We told you a million hundred times,” I said. “We already touched your snake. We don’t want to touch him again.”

  Mrs. Patty started crying. That was weird.

  “You can’t touch him!” she sobbed. “Jake the Snake is missing!”

  Mrs. Patty looked really upset. Tears were running down her face. She managed to tell us that Jake the Snake had somehow slithered out of his basket and was gone.

  “Where could he be?” asked Emily.

  “If I knew that, he wouldn’t be missing!” said Mrs. Patty, sobbing.

  All of us looked at the floor at the same time. If Jake the Snake was missing, that meant he could be anywhere. He could be right next to our feet. He could be about to bite our toes off! He could be . . .

  “AHHHHHHHHHH!”

  Suddenly, everybody was yelling and screaming and hooting and hollering and freaking out.

  “There’s nothing to be afraid of!” Mrs. Patty shouted. “Jake the Snake is harmless! He’s an eastern hognose.”

  I didn’t care what kind of a hognose he was. I didn’t want a snake biting my toes off. We ran inside our classroom and climbed up on our desks so Jake the Snake wouldn’t be able to get at us.

  Once we were up on our desks, I noticed something weird. The Liberty Bell wasn’t hanging from the ceiling anymore. It was on the floor. And there was a muffled noise coming out of it.

  “Look!” I shouted, as I pointed at the Liberty Bell. “Jake the Snake must have set off our trap! He’s inside the bell!”

  Everybody looked at the Liberty Bell.

  “Jake!” shouted Mrs. Patty. “My baby!”

  That’s when the weirdest thing in the history of the world happened. I heard another noise coming from inside the Liberty Bell. And I’m pretty sure it wasn’t Jake the Snake.

  “Help! Help!” cried a muffled voice. “Let me out of here!”

  “It’s not Jake the Snake!” I shouted. “It’s Larry the Leprechaun!”

  “WE CAUGHT HIM!” everyone shouted at once.

  We all jumped down from our desks and ran over to the Liberty Bell.

  “Okay,” said Alexia. “Let’s pick it up.”

  “Get ready to grab him as soon as the bell is off the floor,” said Ryan. “Remember, he’s fast, and he’s tricky.”

  All of us gathered around the Liberty Bell. It was really heavy.

  We groaned and moaned trying to pick it up. We couldn’t wait to see what Larry the Leprechaun looked like. Everybody was on pins and needles.

  Well, not really. It would hurt to be on pins and needles.

  But there was electricity in the air.

  Well, not exactly. If there was electricity in the air, we would have been electrocuted. But we were all glued to our seats.

  Well, no. That would be weird. Why would I glue myself to a seat? How would I get the glue off my pants?

  But it was intense.*

  Slowly, the Liberty Bell started to rise.

  Isn’t this exciting?

  And you’ll never believe in a million hundred years what was under the Liberty Bell.

  I’m not going to tell you.

  Okay, okay, I’ll tell you.

  IT WAS ANDREA YOUNG!

  Betcha didn’t see that coming! Andrea was dressed up like a leprechaun! She even had a beard.

  “EEEEEK!” Andrea screamed, running out from under the Liberty Bell.

  “EEEEEK!” we all screamed as we put it down.

  “Andrea!” shouted Emily as the two girls hugged. “I thought you didn’t like Saint Patrick’s Day.”

  “Yeah,” I said. “What are you doing here? We thought you were girlcotting Saint Patrick’s Day.”

  “I couldn’t stay home!” Andrea told us. “I didn’t want to miss all the fun you guys were having without me. Mr. O’Klutz said I could come to school dressed up like a leprechaun.”

  “Nice beard,” Michael said as Andrea pulled off her beard.

  “So you were the one who turned our desks upside down and messed up the classroom?” asked Ryan.

  “Yes,” Andrea admitted.

  “And you were the one who wrote those messages?” asked Alexia.

  “Guilty as charged,” Andrea replied.

  “And you were the one who peed and pooped in the toilets?” I asked.

  “It was just food coloring and jelly beans, Arlo,” she said. “I told you leprechauns aren’t real.”

  “The leprechaun is finally gone!” said Emily.

  All my life, I’ve been waiting for something to fall on Andrea’s head. Finally, something did!

  I was going to say something mean to her, but I didn’t get the chance. Some kids were shouting in the hallway. We all ran out to see what was going on.

  “EEEEEEEEK!” somebody screamed. “It’s a snake!”

  It was true. Jake the Snake was slithering around the hallway outside our room. Lots of kids were yelling and screaming and hooting and hollering and freaking out. We saw it live and in person.

  “Run for your lives!” shouted Neil.

  You should have been there! Kids were diving out of the way and crashing into each other. Jake the Snake was slithering back and forth really fast. I think he was just as scared as we were.

  That’s when Mr. O’Klutz came running over. He was carrying a broom and wearing hip waders, those weird rubber pants that fishermen wear so they don’t get wet.

  “Everyone remain calm!” he shouted. “Let me handle this!”

  Mr. O’Klutz started chasing Jake the Snake with the broom.

  “Don’t hurt him!” shouted Mrs. Patty. “He’s my baby! Be careful!”

  “I’ll catch him!” Mr. O’Klutz shouted. “Don’t worry!”

  But Mr. O’Klutz didn’t catch him. Jake the Snake slithered down the hallway. Mr. O’Klutz was right behind, chasing him.

  “Jake!” shouted Mrs. Patty. “Come back, sweetheart!”

  They couldn’t catch him. Jake slithered right out the door, into the playground, and out to the woods behind the school. We never saw him again.

  Well, that’s pretty much what happened on Saint Patrick’s Day. Maybe you get bad luck when you take a three-leaf clover and pretend it’s a four-leaf clover. I didn’t see any rainbow and I didn’t get any pot of gold. Everybody was upset that Larry the Leprechaun was just Andrea in disguise.

  We never did get around to researching whether or not Saint Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. But we do know that Mr. O’Klutz drove a snake out of Ella Mentry School. And that’s pretty impressive, if you ask me. Maybe from now on we’ll call Saint Patrick’s Day “Mr. Klutz Day.”

  Maybe Mrs. Patty will be able to capture Jake the Snake. Maybe he will eat a first grader for lunch. Maybe Larry the Leprechaun will remember to flush the toilet. Maybe girlcott will become a word. Maybe we’ll find out what PicklePalooza is. Maybe Andrea will get a sense of humor transplant. Maybe leprechauns will open shoe stores. Maybe now that you’ve finished this book, you’ll read a magic chicken.

  But it won’t be easy!

  Weird Extras!

  ★ Weird Stuff You Probably Don’t Know about Ireland

  ★ My Weird School from A to Z

  ★ Fun Games and Weird Word Puzzles

  ★ The World of Dan Gutman Checklist

  WEIRD STUFF YOU PROBABLY DON’T KNOW ABOUT IRELAND

  Professor A.J. here. I know everything about Saint Patrick’s Day and Ireland. That’s why they call me “professor.”

  Nobody calls you that, dumbhead! I’ll bet you didn’t even know that Saint Patrick wasn’t born in Ireland. He was born in Wales.

  He was born in a whale? That’s weird. How did he get out?

  Very funny, Arlo. In fact, Saint Patrick’s name wasn’t even Patrick. It was Maewyn Succat.

  What?! If my name was Maewyn Succat, I’d change it to Patrick too.

  Arlo, you don’t know anything about Ireland, do you?

  Sure, I do. I know plenty of stuff. Like, if somebody in Ireland asks where the “jacks” is, that means they want to know where the toilet is.

  That’s inappropriate for children, Arlo.

  Toilets are inappropriate for children? Then where do they go to the bathroom?

  Ugh, you’re impossible. Look, why don’t you go play video games or something while I tell the readers about Ireland?

  Sounds good to me. I’m sure it will be a snoozefest.

  I did some research . . .

  Ugh, research.

  . . . and I discovered some really interesting facts about Ireland. This is what I found.

  The longest place name in Ireland is the town of Muckanaghederdauhaulia. It means “a ridge, shaped like a pig’s back, between two expanses of briny water.”

  Ireland is the only country that has a musical instrument–the harp–as its national symbol.

  Halloween began in Ireland. It marked the end of the harvest season and the beginning of winter.

  Here are some famous people from Ireland you’ve probably never heard of: The submarine was invented by John Philip Holland. The first immigrant to enter the United States through Ellis Island on January 1, 1892 was Annie Moore from Cork, Ireland. James Hoban designed the White House in Washington, DC. And a scientist named John Tyndall is credited with explaining why the sky is blue.

  The one of the oldest working lighthouses in the world is Hook Lighthouse in Ireland. It was built around 1200 CE.

  Sir Walter Raleigh was a British explorer who is said to have planted the first potato in Ireland around 1589. He brought the potato crop from the Americas.

  Before it sank, the Titanic sailed from Ireland.

  The game of hurling, which is said to be the world’s fastest game played on grass, was invented in Ireland more than 3,000 years ago. It’s sort of a combination of soccer, lacrosse, and baseball.

  Every year in Chicago on Saint Patrick’s Day, forty pounds of dye is dumped into the Chicago River to turn it green.

  The song “When Irish Eyes Are Smiling” was written by two Americans, George Graff Jr. and Chauncey Olcott. They’d never even visited Ireland!

  In celebration of Saint Patrick’s Day in 2013, astronaut Chris Hadfield took photos of Ireland and photos of himself wearing green in the International Space Station. He also posted recordings of himself singing the song “Danny Boy” in space.

  You may not want to go to Ireland on your birthday. It’s a tradition there to pick kids up, turn them upside down, and tap their head on the floor the number of their age plus one.

  Every August in Killorglin, Ireland, they have a festival in which a wild goat is caught, put in a cage, and crowned king for three days. After the festival is over, the goat is set free.

  That’s weird. Are you finished?

  Yes!

  MY WEIRD SCHOOL FROM A TO Z

  A.J. and Andrea: Two main characters. They hate each other and are secretly in love, love, love!

  All-Porpoise Room: Room at school where dolphins are kept.