She explained to us that bugs and slugs and earwigs are attracted to certain foods, like garlic and seaweed. If you put those things into little cups and place them around a garden, the critters will climb into the cups and get trapped in there.

  We went to the vomitorium and got garlic, vinegar, crushed eggshells, coffee grounds, and other stuff that Miss Nichol told us bugs like to eat. We found some little cups in the arts and farts room.

  “This means war!” Miss Nichol said, as she put the last bug trap down in the garden. “I’m gonna get those critters if it’s the last thing I do.”

  You probably think this is the end of the story. You probably think the bug traps worked and everybody lived happily ever after. Well, the bug traps didn’t work, and nobody was happy.*

  Nothing worked. No matter what we did, the bugs kept eating our veggies. This was the worst thing to happen since National Poetry Month. Miss Nichol sat down on the ground and put her head in her hands.

  “I’m worried about Miss Nichol,” whispered Andrea. “The stress is getting to her. I think she needs to talk to somebody.”

  Ugh. Andrea’s mother is a psychologist, so Andrea thinks everybody needs to talk to somebody.

  It was all ridorkulous if you ask me. I can’t believe bugs like to eat veggies so much. I hate veggies. I bet if we put junk food out there in the garden, the bugs would eat it and leave our veggies alone.

  I snapped my fingers.

  “I have an idea!” I said. “We should put Flamin’ Hot Cheetos all over the garden! The bugs will eat them and leave the veggies alone!”

  Everybody looked at me. Andrea rolled her eyes.

  “Bugs don’t eat Flamin’ Hot Cheetos,” Arlo!” she said.

  “You think they prefer Cheesy Zigzags?” I asked.

  Everybody laughed even though I didn’t say anything funny.

  I love Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. They’re my favorite kind of Cheetos, and believe me, I’ve tried them all.

  Nobody thought putting Flamin’ Hot Cheetos in the garden would keep the bugs away from our veggies, but Miss Nichol said we could try it. Nothing else had worked. We were desperate.

  So we tried it. We sprinkled a bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos around the garden. And you know what we found the next morning?

  You probably think we found a bunch of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos plants. That would have been cool. But the truth is, the bugs didn’t touch the Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. The only things they wanted to eat were our veggies.

  The wooden fence didn’t work. The electric fence didn’t work. The video camera didn’t work. The stakeout didn’t work. The bug traps didn’t work. The Flamin’ Hot Cheetos didn’t work. Nothing worked!

  “I give up,” said Mr. Tony. “We tried everything. Nothing will keep those bugs away.”

  “Yeah,” said Miss Banks, “let’s just forget about starting a vegetable garden.”

  It was sad. We all got up to go back into school. But that’s when Miss Nichol snapped her fingers again.

  “Wait!” she said. “I know how to get rid of the bugs! Bladderwort!”

  “HUH?” That’s also “HUH” backward.

  We all looked at Miss Nichol. She had a wild look in her eyes.

  “Bladderwort!” she repeated. “Bladderwort! Of course! Why didn’t I think of it sooner? Bladderwort!”

  Maybe Andrea was right. Miss Nichol really did need to talk to somebody. Now she was just making up nonsense words. She must be totally losing her marbles.

  “Are you okay, Miss Nichol?” asked Mr. Tony.

  He put his hand on her forehead, because that’s what grown-ups always do when somebody isn’t feeling well. Nobody knows why.

  “Bladderwort!” Miss Nichol shouted. “A bladderwort is a carnivorous plant.”

  “Huh?” we all huhhed.

  “Carnivores eat meat,” said Andrea. Then she smiled the smile she smiles to let everybody know she knows something nobody else knows. What is her problem?

  “And carnivorous plants eat bugs!” said Miss Nichol. “I learned about ’em in my botany class.”

  Miss Nichol told us that there are more than two hundred kinds of bladderwort plants. They have small hollow sacs with a hinged flap on them. When a bug touches the bristles on the surface of the flap, it gets sucked inside the plant and digested. Cool!

  We had tried everything else, and nothing had worked. It was worth a shot.

  Miss Nichol went to a plant store and bought a bunch of bladderworts. We planted them all over the garden. It only took a few days for them to sprout.

  I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking the bladderworts didn’t work either.

  Well, you’re wrong again! So nah-nah-nah boo-boo on you! It turned out that Miss Nichol was right this time! The bladderworts must have eaten all the bugs. There were no more bites taken out of our veggies. Miss Nichol should get the Nobel Prize for that idea.

  Thanks to the bladderworts, everything in the garden started growing like crazy—cucumbers, tomatoes, bananas, cantaloupes, and especially zucchini. I think there were a million hundred of them.

  “Holy moley,” said Ryan. “The zucchini are taking over!”

  “It must have been that Beethoven music Uncle Fred played for them,” said Neil.

  We picked the zucchini, but we had so many that we didn’t know what to do with them all. In arts and farts with Ms. Hannah, we made zucchini necklaces and carved zucchini sculptures. In music with Uncle Fred, he made flutes out of zucchini. During library period with Mrs. Roopy, we made dried zucchini bookmarks. In fizz ed, Miss Small invented a new game called zucchiniball.*

  The teachers were using zucchini for paperweights and doorstops. Our custodian, Miss Lazar, used a zucchini to plug a drain in a sink. During recess, we had a Star Wars battle on the playground, with zucchini as light sabers. It’s amazing how many things you can do with zucchini.

  “What else can we do with all these zucchini?” I asked Miss Nichol.

  “Well, for starters, you could try eatin’ ’em,” she suggested.

  Ugh, gross!

  That day at lunch in the vomitorium, Ryan had a peanut butter and zucchini sandwich. Alexia had a peanut butter and zucchini sandwich. Neil had a peanut butter and zucchini sandwich. Everybody was eating peanut butter and zucchini sandwiches. Everybody except for me. I forgot to bring my lunch from home. So I had to wait in line.

  “What would you like for lunch today, A.J.?” asked our lunch lady, Ms. Hall.

  “I’ll have a hot dog,” I said.

  “We don’t have hot dogs today,” she replied. “How about a zucchini dog? It tastes just like a hot dog, but it’s made from zucchini.”

  “No thanks,” I said. “What else do you have?”

  “Let’s see,” said Ms. Hall, “we have zucchini burgers, zucchini fingers, mashed zucchini, zucchini pizza, grilled zucchini sandwiches, zucchini fries . . .”

  She went on like that for a while. Ms. Hall is off the wall.

  “Do you have anything that doesn’t have zucchini in it?” I asked.

  “Well, there’s the mac and zucchini,” said Ms. Hall. “It’s only half zucchini.”

  Ugh. I wanted to go to Antarctica and live with the penguins. They don’t have to eat zucchini.

  I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to do. There were kids behind me in line. I had to think fast.

  “I’ll just have a cup of juice,” I told Ms. Hall.

  “Zucchini juice?”

  The next day, Miss Nichol arrived on her tractor, wearing a T-shirt that said IT’S THYME TO TURNIP THE BEET on it. Well, the tractor wasn’t wearing the T-shirt. She was. Didn’t we go over this a million hundred times already?

  After we pledged the allegiance and did Word of the Day with Miss Banks, we went out to the garden to clean it up and plant new veggies. And you’ll never believe what we found out there growing in the garden.

  You’re probably thinking it was more zucchini. But you’re wrong again! So nah-nah-nah boo-boo on you.

  It was just one cucumber! And not just any cucumber. It was a giant cucumber. I mean, this cucumber was ginormous.* It was as big as a sixth grader.

  “WOW,” we said, which is “WOW” backward and “MOM” upside down.

  “That’s the biggest pickle I’ve seen in my life,” I said.

  “It’s not a pickle, Arlo,” said Andrea. “It’s a cucumber.”

  I knew that. But Andrea said cucumbers turn into pickles, so technically I was right.

  Miss Nichol got a long knife. She said she was going to cut up the ginormous cucumber and pass it around to all the classes. But just as she was about to cut into it . . .

  “Wait!” shouted Mr. Tony, snapping his fingers.

  “What’s the matter?” asked Miss Nichol.

  “I have another idea,” Mr. Tony said as he pulled out his cell phone. “I know a guy who works for Guinness World Records. Before you cut the cucumber, he should see it. It just might be the biggest cucumber in the world.”

  “Cool!” we all shouted.

  “We’re gonna be in Guinness World Records!” shouted Alexia.

  Mr. Tony should get the Nobel Prize for that idea. He called up the Guinness Guy, and less than an hour later he showed up. The guy must have rushed over. I guess it’s not every day that somebody calls up and says they grew the biggest cucumber in the world.

  The Guinness Guy came out to the garden. He had a long yardstick with him. We showed him our ginormous cucumber.

  “Hmmm,” he said as he measured it. “Very interesting.”

  “Is it the biggest cucumber in the world?” asked Mr. Tony.

  “Well, I must say that this cucumber is quite large,” said the Guinness Guy, “but it’s only the second biggest cucumber in the world.”

  What?!

  “I’m sorry,” said the Guinness Guy. “Last year, a woman in Australia grew a cucumber that was an inch longer than this cucumber. Nice try though.”

  Bummer in the summer!

  We weren’t going to get into Guinness World Records after all. Everybody was sad, especially Mr. Tony. He always wants to set world records.

  Miss Nichol took out her knife again. She sliced the cucumber in half and opened it up, like a coffin. It looked squishy and gooey on the inside.

  The Guinness Guy said he had to go. He was about to leave when the weirdest thing in the history of the world happened.

  “Wait a minute,” the Guinness Guy said as he was looking at the garden. “What’s this?”

  He picked up a veggie. We all gathered around. The veggie he was holding didn’t look like a tomato or a cucumber or a banana or anything else we had planted.

  “I don’t rightly know,” said Miss Nichol. “I’ve never seen this kinda veggie in all mah days.”

  “Is it possible,” asked the Guinness Guy, “that you might have planted two seeds right next to one another, and they combined to create some sort of a . . . mutant vegetable?”

  “Hmmm,” all the grown-ups hmmmed.

  “It looks sort of like a cross between a cantaloupe and a tomato,” said Mr. Tony.

  “It’s a tomataloupe!” I shouted.

  “No, It’s a cantamato!” shouted Andrea.

  “Tomataloupe!” I shouted.

  “Cantamato!” shouted Andrea.

  “Tomataloupe!”

  “Cantamato!”

  We went back and forth like that for a while.

  “Oooooh!” Ryan said, “A.J. and Andrea both want to name the mutant veggie. They must be in LOVE!”

  “When are you gonna get married?” asked Michael.

  If those guys weren’t my best friends, I would hate them.

  “Whatever you call this thing,” the Guinness Guy said, “I’ve never seen anything like it. It’s one of a kind. It may be the first one in the world! I’m going to put it in Guinness World Records.”

  “YAY” everybody shouted, which is also “YAY” backward.

  “We’re gonna be in Guinness World Records!” shouted Neil.

  “We’re gonna be famous gardeners!” shouted Ryan.

  It was the greatest day of my life. Everybody started yelling and screaming and yee-hawing and ya-hooing. That’s when the weirdest thing in the history of the world happened.

  Miss Nichol was dancing around like everybody else when she suddenly stepped on a banana peel at the edge of the garden. She slipped, fell backward, and landed on our ginormous cucumber!

  “Ooof!” she grunted as her body sank into the cucumber. “Help!”

  She was grunting and groaning as she tried to climb out of the cucumber.

  “Miss Nichol is in a pickle!” I shouted.

  “It’s not a pickle!” Andrea shouted. “It’s a cucumber!”

  “Miss Nichol is in a cucumber!” I shouted.

  She was flailing her arms and legs, struggling to get out of the ginormous cucumber. And then it closed up on her.

  “It could be carnivorous!” shouted Alexia.

  “Miss Nichol is stuck inside the man-eating cucumber!” I shouted.

  “That’s sexist, Arlo,” Andrea told me. “Obviously, carnivorous plants eat women too.”

  “It doesn’t matter what you call it!” shouted Mr. Tony. “Miss Nichol is trapped inside it!”

  “Get her out of there!” Ryan shouted.

  “Run for your lives!” shouted Neil.

  “Somebody call 911!” shouted Alexia.

  Well, that’s pretty much what happened. Maybe Miss Nichol will escape from the carnivorous cucumber. Maybe we’ll get a pickleball court. Maybe Miss Banks has a twin sister. Maybe grown-ups will stop slapping their knees and saying “hmmm” all the time. Maybe tractors will start wearing T-shirts. Maybe Alexia’s baby sister will stop stealing veggies. Maybe my parents will let me have an invisible bunny. Maybe we can get rid of the garden and eat Flamin’ Hot Cheetos instead. Maybe a man-eating bladderwort will eat Andrea. Maybe next year we’ll plant a chicken tree and grow hot dogs in the garden.

  But it won’t be easy!

  Acknowledgments

  Special thanks to Brittany Bender, Karen Chaplin, Mary Frances Daley, Diane Stuart Englehardt, Jane Ferguson, Amy Ellis Hamilton, Tiffany Jeremay, Andrea Michele Koch, Ericka Malfieri, Charlene Marsh, Stephanie Miller, Susan Dunford O’Brien, Kyle Porto, Shannon Briding Price, Kelley McCammond Roganowicz, Kristin Rosner, Amber Green Scameheorn, Debbie Braithwaite Anderson, Laurie Berkinshaw Skaggs, Rachael Swiat, and Alexis Trotta

  About the Author and Illustrator

  Courtesy of Dan Gutman and Jim Paillot

  DAN GUTMAN has written many weird books for kids. He lives with his weird wife in New York (a very weird place). You can visit him on his weird website at dangutman.com.

  JIM PAILLOT lives in Arizona (another weird place) with his weird wife and two weird children. Isn’t that weird? You can visit him on his weird website at jimpaillot.com.

  Discover great authors, exclusive offers, and more at hc.com.

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  Copyright

  MY WEIRDTASTIC SCHOOL #4: MISS NICHOL IS IN A PICKLE! Text copyright © 2024 by Dan Gutman. Illustrations copyright © 2024 by Jim Paillot. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.

  www.harpercollinschildrens.com

  Cover art © 2024 by Jim Paillot

  Cover design by Sidney Duong

  * * *

  Library of Congress Control Number: 2023936928

  Digital Edition FEBRUARY 2024 ISBN: 978-0-06-320707-3

  Print ISBN: 978-0-06-320706-6

  ISBN 978-0-06-320706-6 (pbk bdg) — ISBN 978-0-06-320707-3 (trade bdg)

  * * *

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  * Hey, look it up if you don’t believe me.

  * She sure says “blah blah blah” a lot. She must be a real grown-up.

  * You might have read about him in a book called Mr. Tony Is Full of Baloney!

  * Why are you looking down here?

  * I can’t believe you looked down here again.

  * Man, you’ll fall for anything!