He glanced at her then, with regret, doubt and a deep sadness crossing his face. “We would have had beautiful children, Red.” He lightly caressed her cheek.

  “Will you stop talking like that?” she demanded, becoming angry. “You’re being unfair.”

  He tilted his head and shrugged his massive shoulders. “I know. You love me, Red. You haven’t admitted it to yourself yet. The time will come when you can, but I doubt that even then it will make much difference. Because, although you love me, you don’t love me enough to leave the luxury of your life behind.”

  She wanted to argue with him, but she couldn’t. Unbidden tears welled in the blue depths of her eyes, and she lowered her head, blinking frantically to still their fall.

  She held her head high and glared at him with all her anguish in her eyes for him to see. “I’m going to forgive you for that, because I know you don’t mean it. You’re hurting, and because of that you want me to suffer, too.” Tugging the leather purse strap over her shoulder, she stood and took a step back. “I can’t see that my being here is doing either of us any good. I wish you well, and I thank you for six of the most wonderful days of my life. God bless you, Seth.” She turned and stalked away down the corridor. For several moments she was lost in a painful void. Somehow she managed to make it to a ladies’ room.

  Avoiding the curious stares of others, she wiped the tears from her face and blew her nose. Seth had been cold and cruel, offering neither comfort nor understanding. Earlier she had recognized that his capacity for ruthlessness was as strong as his capability for tenderness, but she’d never been exposed to the former. Now she had. How sad that they had to part like this. There had been so much she’d longed to say, but maybe it was better left unsaid.

  When she felt composed enough to face the outside world, she moved with quick, purposeful steps toward the parking garage.

  She had gone only a few feet when a hand gripped her shoulder and whirled her around. Her cry of alarm was muffled as she was dragged against Seth’s muscular chest.

  “I thought you’d gone,” he whispered into her hair, a desperate edge to his voice. “I’m sorry, Red. You’re right. I didn’t mean that—not any of it.”

  He squeezed her so tightly that her ribs ached. Then he raised his head and looked around at the attention they were receiving. He quickly pulled her into a secluded nook behind a pillar. The minute he was assured they were alone, his mouth sought hers, fusing them together with a fiery kiss filled with such emotion that she was left weak and light-headed.

  “I need you,” he whispered hoarsely against the delicate hollow of her throat. He lifted his face and smoothed a curl from her forehead, his eyes pleading with her.

  Claudia was deluged with fresh pain. She needed him, too, but here in Seattle. She couldn’t leave everything behind, not now, when she was so close to making her dream come true.

  “No, don’t say it.” He placed a finger over her mouth to prevent the words of regret from spilling out. “I understand, Red. Or at least I’m trying to understand.” He sighed heavily and gently kissed her again. “I have to go or I’ll never make it through security in time.”

  He sounded so final, as if everything between them was over. She blinked away the tears that were burning her eyes. No sound came from her parched throat as he gently eased her out of his embrace. Her heart hammered furiously as she walked with him to the security line.

  A feeling of panic overcame her when she heard the announcement that Seth’s plane was already being boarded. The time was fast approaching when he would be gone.

  Once again he gently caressed her face, his dark eyes burning into hers. “Goodbye, Red.” His lips covered hers very gently.

  In the next instant, Seth Lessinger turned and strolled out of her world.

  Part of her screamed silently in tortured protest as she watched him go and longed to race after him. The other part, the more level-headed, sensible part, recognized that there was nothing she could do to change his leaving. But every part of her was suffering. Her brain told her that she’d done the right thing, but her heart found very little solace in her decision.

  * * *

  —

  The days passed slowly and painfully. Claudia knew Ashley had grown worried over her loss of appetite and the dark shadows beneath her eyes. She spent as much time as she could in her room alone, blocking out the world, but closing the door on reality didn’t keep the memories of Seth at bay. He was in her thoughts continually, haunting her dreams, obsessing her during the days, preying on her mind.

  She threw herself into her studies with a ferocity that surprised even Ashley, and that helped her handle the days, but nothing could help the nights. Often she lay awake for hours, wide-eyed and frustrated, afraid that once she did sleep her dreams would be haunted by Seth. She prayed every minute, it seemed—prayed harder than she had about anything in her life. But no answer came. No flash of lightning, no writing on the wall, not even a Bible verse stuck to a mirror. Nothing. Wasn’t God listening? Didn’t He know that this situation was tormenting her?

  Two weeks after Seth’s departure she still hadn’t heard from him. She was hollow-eyed, and her cheeks were beginning to look gaunt. She saw Ashley glance at her with concern more than once, but she put on a weak smile and dismissed her friend’s worries. No, she insisted, she was fine. Really.

  The next Saturday Ashley was getting ready to go to work at the University Book Store near the U. W. campus when one of the girls she worked with, Sandy Hoover, waltzed into the apartment.

  “Look.” She proudly beamed and held out her hand, displaying a small diamond.

  “You’re engaged!” Ashley squealed with delight.

  “Jon asked me last night,” Sandy burst out. “I was so excited I could hardly talk. First, like an idiot, I started to cry, and Jon didn’t know what to think. But I was so happy, I couldn’t help it, and then I wasn’t even able to talk, and Jon finally asked me if I wanted to marry him or not and all I could do was nod.”

  “Oh, Sandy, I’m so happy for you.” Ashley threw her arms around her friend and hugged her. “You’ve been in love with Jon for so long.”

  Sandy’s happy smile lit her eyes. “I didn’t ever think he’d ask me to marry him. I’ve known so much longer than Jon how I felt, and it was so hard to wait for him to feel the same way.” She sighed, and a dreamy look stole over the pert face. “I love him so much it almost frightens me. He’s with me even when he isn’t with me.” She giggled. “I know that sounds crazy.”

  It didn’t sound so crazy to Claudia. Seth was thousands of miles away, but in some ways he had never left. If anything was crazy, it was the way she could close her eyes and feel the taste of his mouth over hers. It was the memory of that last gentle caress and the sweet kiss that was supposed to say goodbye.

  She was so caught up in her thoughts she didn’t even notice that Sandy had left until Ashley’s voice broke into her reverie.

  “I wish you could see yourself,” Ashley said impatiently, her expression thoughtful. “You look so miserable that I’m beginning to think you should see a doctor.”

  “A doctor isn’t going to be able to help me,” Claudia mumbled.

  “You’ve got to do something. You can’t just sit around here moping like this. It isn’t like you. Either you settle whatever’s wrong between you and Seth or I’ll contact him myself.”

  “You wouldn’t,” Claudia insisted.

  “Don’t count on it. Cooper’s as worried about you as I am. If I don’t do something, he might.”

  “It isn’t going to do any good.” Claudia tucked her chin into her neck. “I simply can’t do what Seth wants. Not now.”

  “And what does he want? Don’t you think it’s time you told me? I’m your best friend, after all.”

  “He wants me to marry him and move to Nome,” Claudia whispered weakly. “But I can’t give up my dream of a medical degree and move to some no-man’s-land. And he just as adamantly refuses to move to Seattle. As far as I can see, there’s no solution.”

  “You idiot!” Ashley flared incredulously. “The pair of you! You’re both behaving like spoiled children, each wanting your own way. For heaven’s sake, does it have to be so intense? You’ve only known each other a few days. It would be absurd to make such a drastic change in your life on such a short acquaintance. And the same thing goes for Seth. The first thing to do is be sure of your feelings—both of you. Get to know each other better and establish a friendship, then you’ll know what you want.”

  “Good idea. But Seth’s three thousand miles away, in case you’d forgotten, and forming a relationship when we’re thousands of miles apart isn’t going to be easy.”

  “How did you ever make the dean’s list, girl?” Ashley asked in a scathing tone. “Ever hear of letters? And I’m not talking e-mail, either. I mean the real thing, pen on paper, to prove you put a little time and thought into what you’re saying. Some people have been known to faithfully deliver those white envelopes as they fill their appointed rounds—through snow, through rain—”

  “I get the picture,” Claudia interrupted.

  She had thought about writing to Seth, but she didn’t have his address and, more importantly, didn’t know what she could say. One thing was certain, the next move would have to come from her. Seth was a proud man. He had made his position clear. It was up to her now.

  Ashley left for work a few minutes later, and Claudia once again mentally toyed with the idea of writing to Seth. She didn’t need to say anything about his proposal. As usual, her level-headed friend had put things into perspective. Ashley was right. She couldn’t make such a major decision without more of a basis for their relationship than six days. They could write, phone, and even visit each other until she was sure of her feelings. Because, she realized, she couldn’t go on living like this.

  The letter wasn’t easy. Crumpled pieces of paper littered the living room floor. When it got to the point that the carpet had all but disappeared under her discarded efforts, she paused and decided it would go better if she ate something. She stood, stretched, and was making herself a sandwich when she realized that, for the first time since Seth had left, she was actually hungry. A pleased smile spread slowly across her face.

  Once she’d eaten, the letter flowed smoothly. She wrote about the weather and her classes, a couple of idiosyncrasies of her professors. She asked him questions about Nome and his business. Finally she had two sheets of neat, orderly handwriting, and she signed the letter simply “Claudia.” Reading it over, she realized she’d left so much unsaid. Chewing on the end of her pen, she scribbled a postscript that said she missed him. Would he understand?

  She had the letter almost memorized by the time she dropped it into a mailbox an hour later. She’d walked it there as soon as she’d finished writing it, afraid she would change her mind if she let it lie around all weekend. She hadn’t even tried to find his address, even though she was sure she could track him down on the internet. She simply wrote his name and Nome, Alaska. If it arrived, then it would be God’s doing. This whole relationship was God’s doing.

  Calculating that the letter would arrive on Wednesday or Thursday, she guessed that, if he wrote back right away, she could have something from him by the following week. Until then, she was determined to let it go and try to think of anything else. That night she crawled into bed and, for the first time in two and a half desolate weeks, slept peacefully.

  * * *

  —

  All day Thursday, Claudia was fidgety. Seth would get her letter today if he hadn’t already. How would he react to it? Would he be glad, or had he given up on her completely? How much longer would it be before she knew? How long before she could expect an answer? She smiled as she let herself into the apartment; it was as if she expected something monumental to happen. By ten she’d finished her studies, and, after a leisurely bath she read her Bible and went to bed, unreasonably disappointed.

  Nothing happened Friday, either. Steve Kali, another medical student, asked her out for coffee after anatomy lab, and she accepted, pleased by the invitation. Steve was nice. He wasn’t Seth, but he was nice.

  The phone rang Saturday afternoon. She was bringing in the groceries and dropped a bag of oranges as she rushed across the carpet to answer it.

  “Hello.” She sounded out of breath.

  “Hello, Red,” Seth’s deep, rich voice returned.

  Her hand tightened on the receiver, and her heartbeat accelerated wildly. “You got my letter?” Her voice was still breathless, but this time it had nothing to do with hurrying to answer the phone.

  “About time. I didn’t know if I’d ever hear from you.”

  Claudia suddenly felt so weak that she had to sit down. “How are you?”

  “Miserable,” he admitted. “Your letter sounded so bright and newsy. If you hadn’t added that note at the bottom, I don’t know what I would have thought.”

  “Oh, Seth,” she breathed into the phone. “I’ve been wretched. I really do miss you.”

  “It’s about time you admitted as much. I had no idea it would take you this long to realize I was right. Do you want me to fly down there so we can do the blood tests?”

  “Blood tests?”

  “Yes, silly woman. Alaska requires blood tests for a marriage license.”

  “Marriage license? I didn’t write because I was ready to change my mind,” Claudia said, shocked. Did Seth believe this separation was a battle of wills and she’d been the first to surrender? “I’m staying here in Seattle. I thought you understood that.”

  Her announcement was followed by a lengthy pause. She could practically hear his anger and the effort he made to control his breathing. “Then why did you write the letter?” he asked at last.

  “You still don’t understand, do you?” She threw the words at him. “Someday, Seth Lessinger, I’m going to be a fabulous doctor. That’s been my dream from the time I was a little girl.” She forced herself to stop and take a calming breath; she didn’t want to argue with him. “Seth, I wrote you because I’ve been miserable. I’ve missed you more than I believed possible. I thought it might work if you and I got to know one another better. We can write and—”

  “I’m not interested in a pen pal.” His laugh was harsh and bitter.

  “Neither am I,” she returned sharply. “You’re being unfair again. Can’t we compromise? Do we have to do everything your way? Give me time, that’s all I’m asking.”

  Her words were met with another long silence, and for an apprehensive second she thought he might have hung up on her. “Seth,” she whispered, “all I’m asking is for you to give me more time. Is that so unreasonable?”

  “All right, Red, we’ll do this your way,” he conceded. “But I’m not much for letter writing, and this is a busy time of the year for me, so don’t expect much.”

  She let out the breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding and smiled. “I won’t.” It was a beginning.

  * * *

  —

  Seth’s first letter arrived four days later. Home from her classes before Ashley, Claudia stopped to pick up the mail in the vestibule. There was only one letter, the address written in large, bold handwriting. She stared at it with the instant knowledge that it was from Seth. Clutching the envelope tightly, she rushed up the stairs, fumbled with the apartment lock and barged in the front door. She tossed her coat and books haphazardly on the couch before tearing open the letter. Like hers, his was newsy, full of tidbits of information about his job and what this new contract would do for his business, Arctic Barge Company. He talked a little about the city of Nome and what she should expect when she came.

  Claudia couldn’t prevent the smile that trembled across her lips. When she came, indeed! He also explained that when she packed her things she would have to ship everything she couldn’t fit in her suitcases. Arrangements would need to be made to have her belongings transported on a barge headed north. The only way into Nome was either by air or by sea, and access by sea was limited to a few short weeks in the summer before the water froze again. The pressure for her to make her decision soon was subtle. He concluded by saying that he missed her and, just in case she’d forgotten, he loved her. She read the words and closed her eyes to the flood of emotions that swirled through her.

  She answered the letter that night and sent off another two days later. A week passed, but finally she received another long response from Seth, with an added postscript that there was a possibility he would be in Seattle toward the end of October for a conference. He didn’t know how much unscheduled time he would have, but he was hoping to come a day early. That, he said, would be the time for them to sit down and talk, because letters only made him miss her more. He gave her the dates and promised to contact her when he knew more. Again he told her that he loved her and needed her.

  Claudia savored both letters, reading them so many times she knew each one by heart. In some ways, their correspondence was building a more solid relationship than having him in Seattle would have. If he’d been here, she would have been more easily swayed by her physical response to him. This way she could carefully weigh each aspect of her decision, and give Seth and the move to Nome prayerful consideration. And she did pray, fervently, every day. But after so many weeks she was beginning to believe God was never going to answer.

  One afternoon Ashley saw her reading one of Seth’s letters for the tenth time and laughingly tossed a throw pillow at her.

  “Hey,” Claudia snapped, “what did you do that for?”

  “Because I couldn’t stand to see you looking so miserable!”

  “I’m not miserable,” Claudia denied. “I’m happy. Seth wrote about how much he wants me to marry him and…and…” Her voice cracked, and she swallowed back tears that burned for release. “I…didn’t know I would cry about it.”