He shook his head and as he did, she caught the briefest shimmer of something on his cheek. She brushed her thumb against it.

  “Are you crying?” When he didn’t answer, she tried again. “Danny, what’s wrong?”

  She tried to sit up, but he shook his head and pressed his finger to her lips. A moment later, he lifted the same finger and held it up, as if asking for a chance to compose himself.

  She waited, hating the fear crawling through her, wondering what could have happened in the time she’d fallen asleep.

  “I’ve been lying here watching you sleep,” he whispered. “Watching how peaceful you look … how beautiful you are.”

  “Danny‍—‍”

  His finger pressed against her lips again. “Shhh. I need to say this, so please let me.”

  Her eyes adjusted to the darkness, focusing on him in the faint glow of the room.

  “The last time you and I were together in this … this kind of privacy with no family in the next room, no reason to hide our passion ...”

  She heard the smile in his voice and remembered.

  “The last time we were in this kind of situation was at the cottage at Joe and Kate’s place in New York. Do you remember?”

  She searched his eyes. “Yes, of course.”

  “It was the night before you left to go find your father.”

  She nodded, remembering it well.

  He squeezed her hand in his, and brought it to his lips, softly kissing the crest of her knuckles.

  “I was so afraid, convinced you weren’t coming back. Afraid that you’d be so relieved to find him, and so relieved to be home again, that you’d never come back to me. I worried every single moment you were gone. I couldn’t bear the thought of losing you, and yet I knew in my gut I probably already had.”

  “Oh Danny,” she whispered, turning to face him, her arm curling around his waist.

  “I thought I’d lost you. I knew how much your heart still ached for your family, and that if you found your father, you’d want to stay with him there and pick up the pieces of your life. And I couldn’t blame you, really. I know how broken the war left you, and how much you were struggling. So it made perfect sense to take your father back to your home there in Utrecht to be together again. I would have understood.”

  “No Danny, my life is with you now. My home is in Chicago, America now. Not Utrecht.”

  His eyes searched hers eagerly. “And I wanted to believe that. I kept hoping and praying that’s how you felt. But we’d had some problems right before you left. That awful argument, when I was upset and frustrated, and said some really stupid stuff and you ran‍—‍”

  “I ran because I needed to cool off. I was angry, I admit it. But you know how I get sometimes. I’m not proud of it‍—‌always letting my emotions get the best of me. I just needed to calm down. And that’s why I ended up at Millie’s. I needed some time away from you. Time to think. That’s all.”

  “I know.”

  Her face softened with a smile. “Danny, one of these days I promise I will grow up and stop running away or climbing trees when I’m upset or throwing tantrums like a two-year-old.”

  “Oh, I don’t know. You’re kind of cute when you’re mad.”

  “No, I’m not. There’s nothing cute in behavior like‍—‍”

  “Your ears turn red and you wrinkle your nose‍—‍”

  “That’s not cute. That’s juvenile.”

  “Hey, as long as you always come back to me, I can take it.”

  She didn’t miss the tone of seriousness returning to his voice and ached for all she’d put him through.

  “I’m so sorry. I was such a mess when I left you. I wish I could tell you otherwise, but I was so confused. I must learn how to handle all these wretched emotions that keep carrying me away. And I promise to work on them, Danny. I’ve been thinking I should talk to Reverend Forsythe again.”

  “I think that’s a great idea. But please know that if you never do, and if you never conquer what you call those ‘wretched emotions’, or if you never change a single thing about you, I could not love you more than I do in this moment.”

  She glanced away, feeling embarrassed and certainly unworthy of such a pure, unconditional love.

  He touched her chin and gently turned her face back toward him. “Anya, I mean it. Every word of it. I love you, whether or not you believe it, and whether or not you feel the same. I am yours. And I will never leave you.”

  She reached for him, her hands on his cheeks, guiding his face toward hers, and kissed him as her tears fell. His arms encircled her, pulling her closer still.

  “There’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you,” he said. “It’s nothing for you to worry about, but I vowed I would never keep anything from you, and this is long overdue.”

  She pulled back to see his face. “What is it?”

  He cleared his throat, but his voice still sounded strange to her. “It was something that happened while I was waiting for you to come to America. One night, as I was leaving the campus after I got off work at the library, I was hurrying to catch the El. And I heard someone calling my name, and when I looked over, it was Beverly. You know, the‍—‍”

  “Your girlfriend from college.”

  “My ex-girlfriend from college.”

  “You didn’t‍—‍”

  “Just let me explain. I promise you there’s nothing for you to worry about. I just need to get it off my chest, okay?”

  She sat up, the sheet wrapped around her, and propped a pillow behind her. He sat up too, clearing his throat again.

  “Just hear me out, okay? She was distraught and crying, and I didn’t know what to do. She said she needed to talk to me, and said we could talk while she drove me home. I didn’t want to go, but couldn’t just leave her there in such a state.

  “Once inside her car, I could tell she’d been drinking. She was all upset because she’d run into the girl who’d had an affair with her husband Ronnie. He’d fathered a child with the girl before he was killed in the war. And she said that all of a sudden here was the girl with her baby who looked so much like Ronnie, and Beverly just lost it. Anya, she was such a mess, almost hysterical, but all I could think about was wanting out of that car.”

  “Did you? Get out of her car?”

  “Yes, but before I did, she slid over next to me and started wrapping her arms around‍—‍”

  “What?” Anya stiffened, pulling back.

  He grabbed both her hands. “Anya, look at me. Hear me out. I told you she’d been drinking. And I told you I was trying to extricate myself from her. But all of a sudden she just … well, she kissed me. It was absolutely disgusting, and I couldn’t get away from her fast enough. I told her to stop and tried to push her away. Then I reached for the door handle behind me and literally fell out of the car trying to get away from her.”

  Anya stared at him, eyes wide open without so much as a blink.

  “I know it’s hard to hear. I hate even having to tell you, because I know you’re probably envisioning the kiss and the whole ugly thing.”

  He paused, but kept a firm grasp on her hands.

  Suddenly, she pulled her hands free and exploded with laughter. Danny stared at her in disbelief, then threw his hands up and fell back against the pillows.

  She tried to compose herself but failed. “I’m sorry, Danny, but the image of you scrabbling away from her and then falling out of the car‍—‍” A loud snort gave way to more giggles. “You must have been so‍—‍”

  “I was scared out of my wits!”

  “Of some silly old girlfriend?” She covered her mouth with her hands, but it did no good. The laughter spilled out of her.

  He shook his head. “In a million years, I never would have expected this reaction from you.”

  She reached for him, pulling him closer as her laughter finally begin to slow. “I’m sorry, honey. I don’t mean to make fun of you. I’m sure it was terrifying!” she teased.

  “Don’t be sorry. Are you kidding? I was so worried you might think I’d somehow encouraged her, when nothing could be further from the truth. But I wasn’t sure how you’d react, which is why it’s taken me all this time to work up the courage to tell you about it.”

  “Courage? Why would you need courage to tell me? I’m your wife.”

  “Because just before you broke out laughing, you started to pull away from me. You were worried.”

  She reached up, fingering his hair, still smiling. “You’re probably right.”

  “Exactly. I’ve been dreading this conversation for so long. Haven’t you ever dreaded telling me something? Putting it off? Worried how I might take it? Sure you did. Remember that whole episode with Mrs. Smithson?”

  She snorted playfully. “How nice of you to bring that up.”

  “Only to prove a point. Eventually, we talked about it. Cleared the air. Dealt with it. Problem solved. A perfect example of us working through it to stay transparent in our marriage.”

  She studied him for a moment, then looked away. “I suppose you’re right.”

  “So tell me. Any more hidden secrets you need to tell me? Anything I should know?”

  She lifted a shoulder and glanced across the room, avoiding his attention.

  “C’mon. Be fair. I bared my soul to you. Goes both ways, you know.”

  She still didn’t answer.

  “See?” he said. “Now you’re the one trying to find the courage, aren’t you? There’s something you need to tell me, and it’s making you uncomfortable. Am I right?”

  She took a deep breath then huffed it out. “Yes. There’s something I should tell you. And yes, I’m terrified what you’ll think.”

  “Terrified? It can’t be that bad. What is it?”

  Another deep breath. “It’s something that happened back in Framlingham. When I was living at the pub after you left.”

  “Wow. That’s a long time ago. So what is it? What happened?”

  “I almost killed someone.”

  “Very funny.”

  “No Danny, I’m serious.”

  He fashioned a look as if waiting for the punch line.

  “It was late one night when the pub was closing.”

  “What?”

  He listened as she told him of the rainy night when a drunk customer attacked Sophie in the dark alley behind the pub. How she came upon them just in time, and how she jumped on the attacker’s back to pull him off Sophie. How he’d fought back, throwing her against the fence. And how she’d finally wrestled her way behind him, tightened her arms around his neck and snapped it, his body going limp.

  “I knew I’d killed him. I checked on Sophie, made sure she was all right. Then Charlie and Patrick were there, and I heard sirens in the distance, and I knew if I was arrested, I’d never be able to come to you here in America. So I ran. I ran all the way to the base and hid in the control tower. I was there for hours. All night long.

  “I was so afraid I’d never see you again, Danny. But even more afraid … of me. I’ve told you before about the things I was forced to do during the war.”

  “Yes, I remember. You did what you had to do. We all did, and there’s no shame in that.”

  “But this was different. The war was over. And there I was, in the middle of a dangerous situation, and my first reaction was to kill.”

  “But Anya‍—‍”

  “Almost like some kind of natural reflex, something I’d do without thinking. It scared me to death to think I could do such a thing.”

  He found her hand and covered it with his. “Surely you don’t believe that? In your heart?”

  “I don’t know,” she answered, her eyes still avoiding his. “I think time has helped. For so long, after it happened, I wondered if I could somehow train myself not to react that way, so it would no longer be a reflex. But I’m not sure even now.”

  “But that kind of thinking‍—‌that kind of training‍—‌was for a specific purpose. It was war, Anya. It’s what you did to survive.”

  “But the war had ended.”

  “Yes, but you were trying to save Sophie from an attack. In that situation, you were in a battle. You had no choice.”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Well, I do. But you’re right. Time does help in situations like that. We have a wonderful life ahead of us, you and I. As long as we’re together, and as long as we both stay open and honest with each other, we can handle anything that comes along because we’ll face it together.”

  She nodded. “I want to believe that.”

  “Then believe it. But tell me the rest of the story. You obviously weren’t arrested, so what happened?”

  “Charlie found me at the control tower the next morning. Turns out, I hadn’t killed Sophie’s attacker after all. I broke his neck, and they said he’d never walk again. But he was from a rough family known for revenge and fighting dirty. So the local constable advised me to leave the area. That’s why I moved to London when I did.”

  “Ahhh, now I get it. I always wondered why you were so eager to leave Framlingham.”

  “It was so hard. I hated leaving Sophie and Charlie and Patrick, but I didn’t want to put them in danger.”

  He pulled her into his arms and held her close, praying silently for God to heal her heart and soul, and rid her once and for all of the burdens she carried.

  “I love you,” he whispered.

  “I love you too.”

  “Good. Now that we’ve got that settled, what are the chances they might still be holding our table for us downstairs? I’m starving.”

  41

  As they entered the elegant Fountain Court, Anya once again found herself in awe of the grandiose architecture. She tried not to gawk at the long rows of massive marble pillars lining the room, or the towering live palm trees with fronds stretching out like long arms protecting the linen-covered tables beneath them. And overhead, the ornate crystal chandeliers lighting the enormous room.

  A harpist played classical music, a tune Anya recognized but couldn’t identify. Mozart? Beethoven? The melody played against a background of murmured conversations and the clinking of silver on fine china.

  Danny approached the maître d’ and apologized for missing their reservation.

  “No problem, sir, though I’m afraid we’re booked solid until closing. Might I suggest you try our renowned cocktail lounge, the Coq d’Or. The menu there is quite different from ours, of course, but you’ll not find a better selection of pub fare in all of Chicago. And it’s open seating, so you should have no more than a few minutes to wait for a table.”

  “Thank you. I’m sure that will suit us just fine.”

  And it did. In fact, the more casual setting of the small lounge felt much cozier than the overstated opulence of the Fountain Court. Here, the low ceiling and soft lighting offered a more intimate ambience with red-leather booths, French murals on two walls, and a long corner bar with red-leather stools. They were seated adjacent to one another at a table for two in a cozy corner.

  “You’ll have to order for me,” Anya said, looking over the small menu. “Apart from the hamburgers you’ve taught me to love‍—‍”

  “If you would allow me,” their waiter said, returning with their beverages. “If you’ve not dined with us before, I would highly recommend the Bookbinders Soup. It’s our signature soup featuring red snapper in a tomato base, and served with a small carafe of sherry.”

  “Thanks for that recommendation. We’ll need a few more minutes to decide.”

  “Certainly.”

  Danny closed his menu and leaned toward her. “I don’t know about you, but right now a good ol’ American steak sounds pretty good to me.”

  “Then yes, for me as well.”

  “And a baked potato with sour cream and chives on top?”

  “Just butter on mine.”

  “We’re acting like an old married couple already set in our ways, aren’t we?”

  “No, we are not. This is our first wedding anniversary, not our sixtieth, so please don’t make me old and wrinkled before my time.”

  He reached for her hand. “No matter how many wrinkles may be drawn on your face or how gray your hair turns, I couldn’t love you more.”

  “Yes, but what if all my teeth fall out? Or my back curves over like a question mark. Will you still love me then?”

  “Madly. And you’ll love me even when my stomach sags over my belt, and there’s hair growing out of my nose, and I snore like a freight train.”

  “Hair out of your nose?” She laughed quietly, shaking her head. “I don’t know. That might be more than I can handle. But I’ll try to still love you. I promise I’ll try.”

  “Oh, you’ll love me. Just wait and see.”

  She sighed happily. “It’s strange to think of ourselves growing old, isn’t it?”

  “Not at all. Why would you think it’s strange?”

  “Because I never thought I’d actually survive the war. In the worst of it, I couldn’t imagine the world could ever return to normal again. That we’d get on with our lives. Like sitting here in a restaurant. At times, I still think I’m only imagining it.”

  “I guess I can understand that. But we’re doing all right, picking up the pieces. Don’t you think?”

  “Yes, I think so. But we’ve been luckier than most.” She rubbed her thumb gently over the back of his hand. “And I have you to thank for that. When I went back to my homeland, it felt so different. Almost as if I was watching a movie, where I was one of the characters moving across the screen. There, but not there too, if that makes sense. And I realized it was because that version of me no longer exists. She can’t. All her anchors and landmarks are gone.”

  She noticed the waiter approaching their table again. “But enough of that.”

  Danny placed their orders and the waiter once again left them.

  “What you just said‍—‍about that other version of you‍—‌that’s actually a good perspective. And you’re right. You’re not the same person you were then. But deep in your heart, where the memories of your family before the war still live‍—‌and even before you lost Hans‍—‌those memories can never be taken away from you.