Claire finished her call. ‘I’ve spoken to the psychiatric registrar. I’m going to try and give him a sedative. It should stop him seeing and hearing the fire. Is that okay with you, Sophie?’

  ‘I suppose …’

  ‘He’ll have to spend some time in hospital.’

  Sophie’s body shook and she couldn’t stop it. ‘Oh God, you don’t mean normal hospital do you? You mean a mental hospital.’

  Phil wrapped an arm around her. ‘He’s sick. He needs treatment just like he would if he’d been bitten by snake.’

  ‘I think I’d have preferred that.’ Sophie couldn’t think clearly for all the random thoughts charging around her head. Layla or Erica could pick up the kids but she’d have to call daycare to give permission. If she texted Bec, she’d tell Adam and Scotty that Josh wouldn’t be at work tomorrow. She wouldn’t even have to ask Claire to come to the hospital with her—she knew the nurse would be there ready to explain all the confusing medical stuff. And Phil would do anything she asked him. Matt too, she supposed, going on his kindness so far. Should she call her mother and ask her to meet her at the hospital? She jettisoned the thought. She needed support, not criticism. Her mother would blame Josh’s condition on their desire to own their own home.

  She needed to do the best thing for Josh. ‘I need to call Josh’s parents.’

  ‘What’s their number?’ Matt, asked, phone in hand.

  She told him, surprised she could recall it. He dialled before folding her shaking fingers around the phone and lifting it to her ear.

  Janet answered it in two rings. ‘Hello, Janet Doherty.’

  ‘Mum. It’s Soph.’

  ‘Hello, sweetheart. Do you have a new number?’

  Janet’s familiar and caring voice was too much for her. She broke down sobbing. ‘We need you.’

  * * *

  ‘Thank you so much for coming,’ Bec said for the umpteenth time as she and Adam farewelled the last of their guests.

  It was almost five o’clock. Bec had been smiling and chatting for hours, playing the perfect hostess. While Adam needed praise and adoration from her, he deflected it from people outside of the family. She’d lost count of how many times today she’d heard him say, ‘I did what anyone else would have done in the circumstances.’ But when people asked to see his Star of Courage, he always popped open the box.

  The girls had got sick of being on show and retreated to watch a movie. Bec wished she could be let off from the drawn-out goodbyes, especially when there were always half-a-dozen people who stayed until stumps. Some had tried to leave earlier but Adam had insisted on them staying for ‘one more beer’. They’d complied. Although he’d always been a big personality, fewer people said no to him since the fires.

  As she’d wafted from group to group offering food, people had told her with warmth and sincerity how much they admired Adam. Not just for his heroic actions two years earlier but for all he’d achieved since. For two years, she’d tried desperately to view Adam through the lens of the town. It had been easier since her pregnancy, because the man who brought her tea and rubbed her feet was that man.

  She’d murmured her appreciation and buried all signs that she wanted to be elsewhere, with someone else. That the fires had ripped through her life, wresting away the chance of change and leaving only ashes and duty.

  ‘That went well, babe.’ Adam closed the front door. ‘Everyone turned up except Matt Cartwright. Who’d be a farmer, eh? Bloody pigs and sheep. Beer time, I reckon, Scotty.’

  ‘I should get going,’ Scotty said.

  ‘Not yet.’ Adam bent down and pulled two bottles from the ice bucket.

  Bec couldn’t see Adam’s face but she heard the edge to his voice. It was the one he used with her and the girls when his patience was thinning. She tried to read Scotty’s expression but she was out of practice. Adam tossed a beer bottle straight at Scotty, who caught it. Adam didn’t look drunk but she’d been so busy she hadn’t had time to count his drinks. Maybe some more food would help soak up any stray alcohol in his system.

  ‘Would you like something to eat with that beer?’

  ‘Yeah, babe. That’d be good. We’ll take a plate to the office.’

  ‘You’re working? Now?’

  ‘No rest for wicked, eh, Scotty?’

  ‘Too right.’ But Scotty barely cracked a smile.

  Bec had just finished loading a platter with sausage rolls and pizza squares when her phone rang. Claire’s name lit up the screen and surprise penetrated her weariness. Claire never rang. Her thoughts immediately slid to Julie and her heart sped up. As she answered, she heard a distorted PA announcement. ‘Claire? What’s wrong?’

  ‘It’s Josh Doherty.’

  Bec found herself seeking a seat as she listened to Claire briefly outline how they’d found Josh and now he was in hospital. ‘Layla’s picked up the kids and Matt and I drove Sophie to Geelong. We’re here until her in-laws arrive from Melbourne.’

  Bec didn’t know which bit of news shocked her more—Josh or Matt. ‘You and Matt?’

  ‘Focus, Bec!’ But Claire’s voice lacked severity. If anything, there was a lilt of hope and definitely relief. ‘Can you set up a private message group for Erica, Layla, you and me? I don’t know if Julie’s up to it, but that’s not my call. Phil will have told her what happened. Maybe go see her? Actually, Phil should be in the group too. Sophie’s going to need childcare, meals, maintenance help—you know the drill. And she’s in shock, so she’s not up to talking to anyone today. Can you tell Adam and Scotty that Josh is off work until further notice?’

  ‘Of course. Oh God, poor Sophie. Send her my love.’

  ‘Will do. And Bec?’

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘Thanks.’

  ‘You’re welcome.’ She experienced a flush of goodwill towards Claire. This time she didn’t fight it.

  As Bec walked to the office, she heard the low rumble of voices. It stopped when she walked in.

  ‘That looks great, Bec,’ Scotty lifted the platter out of her hands. ‘Thanks.’

  ‘I’ve got bad news. Josh Doherty’s had some sort of breakdown and he’s in hospital.’

  Scotty paled. ‘Shit. Is he okay? Dumb question. I mean, he didn’t try anything stupid, did he?’

  ‘I don’t think so. Claire said he was reliving the fire as though it was happening today.’

  ‘What sort of stuff was he saying?’ Adam asked.

  ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘Jeez, the last thing we need is a nutter,’ Adam muttered.

  ‘Adam!’

  ‘Kidding, babe. I’ll go and see him tomorrow. Tell him we’ll look after the family while he’s off sick.’

  ‘Thank you, but check with the hospital first. I don’t know if he’s up to visitors.’

  Scotty was staring out the window. ‘Jesus, this is our fault.’

  ‘Don’t be stupid,’ Adam said sharply.

  ‘This wouldn’t have happened if he’d worked on the Beckwith site.’

  ‘That’s bullshit and you know it.’

  ‘What do you mean?’ Bec asked, sensing unusual tension between them.

  ‘Nothing. Scotty’s talking through his arse. Go and call Sophie. Tell her we’ll pay Josh sick leave.’

  ‘I’ll do it,’ Scotty said.

  ‘No. Bec will do it. Right, babe?’

  She didn’t understand what was going on but she heard the warning in Adam’s voice. ‘Claire said Sophie wasn’t up to talking to anyone today.’

  ‘Yeah, but this is good news. She needs to know that money is one less thing she has to worry about.’

  ‘Christ, Adam!’ Scotty spun around from the window. ‘Let’s do this right. Josh doesn’t—’

  ‘Shut up, Scotty,’ Adam growled. ‘Go home and cool down.’

  ‘Adam, perhaps Scotty’s—’

  ‘This has got nothing to do with you, Bec. Go and call Sophie.’

  She backed out of the office. The door slammed behind her, muffling their raised voices. What the hell was going on? Scotty hadn’t disagreed, let alone argued, with Adam in two years. Worried the girls might hear the yelling, she went to check on them. She was relieved the sound didn’t carry as far as the TV room.

  ‘Mummy!’ Gracie jumped up. ‘Ivy’s reading and she won’t play with me.’

  Ivy didn’t look up from her book. ‘Is Daddy still downstairs being a hero?’

  ‘Ivy!’ Bec was shocked and a little bit scared by the sarcasm in her daughter’s voice. ‘Today’s a difficult day for Daddy.’

  Ivy glared at her, her blue eyes flashing. ‘No, it’s not. It’s difficult for you.’

  The unexpected words hit with terrifying accuracy and she tried to cover her shock. ‘Being a hostess at a party is tiring but you helped me with the cooking and that part was fun.’

  Ivy didn’t say anything and eventually she returned to her book.

  ‘I’ll go and start dinner. I’ll call you when it’s time to set the table.’ First, she had to make a phone call. She walked into her bedroom and sat on the bed before bringing up Sophie’s number. Her finger hesitated on the call button, and she brought up Claire’s number instead. At the end of their discussion it was decided that Claire would pass on the message about paid sick leave immediately and Bec would follow up with a text the next day so Sophie had the offer in writing. Just as Bec ended the call, her phone rang.

  ‘Scotty? Where are you?’

  ‘I’m at the gate. Are you okay?’

  ‘Yes. Why wouldn’t I be?’

  He sighed. ‘This news about Josh … Adam’s drunk a lot and he’s in a filthy mood. He just threw me out and I wondered … You know, if you were worried …’

  ‘Why would I be worried?’ The words shot out crisp and snappy as appreciation and anger mixed uneasily.

  ‘I dunno. Just if you were … You and the girls could come to my place.’

  She heard a hysterical laugh and realised it was coming from her. ‘He’d go ballistic, Scotty.’

  ‘Someone else’s place then?’

  Scotty had no idea the lengths that were involved for her to leave the property without being grilled by a sober Adam let alone a drunk Adam, and she didn’t want to scare the girls. Anxiety made her lash out. ‘What’s got into you today, anyway? Regret finally catching up with you? Maybe Adam’s right. You need to go home, cool down and think straight.’

  ‘Bec.’ It was a plea.

  She hung up and closed her eyes, wishing this day would end. Wishing tomorrow morning would arrive in record time. She heard Adam’s tread on the stairs and opened her eyes just as he walked in holding a mug of tea. She relaxed. Adam in a filthy mood would no more make her tea than fly to the moon. Drunk Adam wouldn’t do it either. Maybe Scotty was the one who was drunk.

  ‘Here.’ Adam sat down next to her.

  ‘That’s thoughtful. Thanks.’

  ‘Did you call Sophie?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘What did she say?’

  ‘That you’re a godsend on an awful day.’ It wasn’t strictly a lie. She could imagine Sophie saying it.

  ‘Good.’

  She put her hand on his thigh. ‘I really appreciate it too.’

  ‘Ring her every day and get a report. The moment he’s allowed visitors, I’ll drive up to Geelong. He’s a good worker.’

  ‘You’ve always said that.’ There was no benefit in reminding Adam that he’d called Josh a nutter when he’d first heard the news.

  ‘Mummy! Daddy!’ Gracie ran into the room and bounced on the bed. ‘I’m hungry.’

  Adam caught a squealing Gracie around the waist and tucked her under his arm. ‘I’ll get you some dinner. Leave Mummy to rest.’

  ‘I’ve got enough energy to heat up some leftovers.’

  ‘No, you’ve had a huge day. Stay there and enjoy your tea. The girls and I will be fine.’

  Bec lay back on the pillows, already feeling lightheaded and sleepy, but knowing that napping at seven was crazy. She’d just close her eyes for a few minutes.

  It was dark when Bec tried to open her eyes. They felt like lead weights and it took her a couple of attempts to force them open. Adam was lying on his back, snoring. Her body felt like it did many mornings these days—heavy and aching—but today her skin was cold, as if the doona had fallen off her. It hadn’t—she could feel it against her. The clock said 4.59 and it took her sluggish mind a moment to realise she’d slept ten hours. It took another few seconds to work out why she was cold. She was naked.

  Why was she naked?

  She remembered closing her eyes fully dressed. Adam must have undressed her when he came to bed and thought it was too hard to put her nightie on her. Why couldn’t she remember being undressed? Her body jerked and she got a flash of her arms being pulled up above her head. Heard Adam telling her to turn over.

  Her phone vibrated under her pillow and she slowly remembered why she’d set the early and quiet alarm. Sheer determination overrode her woolly-headedness and the pain in her hips. When she was pregnant with Ivy and Gracie, she’d never been bothered by pregnancy hormones softening the ligaments of her pelvis, but this time it felt like there was a red-hot poker burning into her hips. She’d resisted the suggestion of wearing a support belt but this morning was fast changing her mind. To the orchestra that was Adam’s snoring, she slipped out of the bedroom, closing the door softly behind her before tiptoeing to the laundry. Once inside, she turned on the light, opened the dirty laundry basket, fumbled under a pile of clothes and picked up the plastic bag she’d planted the morning before. Dressing quickly in the clothes she’d bought in Geelong, she doused the lights, opened the door and jumped over the Lilydale topping path to avoid the crunch. She landed on the grass.

  Pain lashed her and she bit her tongue. Jumping was obviously not something she should be doing. The moon was waning but the stars still shone. Shivering, she made her way down to the bottom of the drive where she’d deliberately parked the car. She’d told Adam it was to free up space closer to the house for their visitors. The truth was she’d parked it there so the noise of the garage door wouldn’t wake him in the morning.

  She swung up into the driver’s seat, gasping as another streak of agony tore through her. Pregnancy shouldn’t feel like this. She sucked in a deep breath and started the car. She had two precious hours before the household woke, and the drive into town was predictably and thankfully quiet. She didn’t pass another vehicle, which was part of her plan, but Bec knew too well that plans were not worth the paper they were written on. She turned off the road and her headlights lit up the old bluestone pillars that had once supported ornate gates.

  Moving slowly and carefully, she got out of the car. Once oak trees had stood tall, shading the graves, but now there were just tiny saplings and a promise. She knelt beside the slab of marble that was covered with fresh bunches of native flowers. She pressed her palms against the cold stone and then lowered her lips. When she raised her head, she let her words flow.

  ‘I wanted to bring you sunflowers because they remind me of you. You lit up my life and I treasure our time together as much as I hate the last two years without you. But I can’t bring you flowers so I’ve brought you an acorn. Remember the one we planted over that dead chook you brought up from the farm in the esky? I was horrified, but you told me it was the best manure. You were right. It grew. I hope it’s still growing. I haven’t been able to see it recently, but I’m going to try during January when I take the girls to Melbourne for a holiday.’

  She ran the acorn along the stone. ‘I miss you so much. Why do people say it gets easier? It doesn’t. Your mum understands, but as much as I want to her tell her that I do too, I can’t. Sometimes I wonder why I’m keeping you a secret, but when I think about telling people without you by my side, I’m just not brave enough. And who would believe me? Why, why did we wait so long? Why weren’t we spontaneous instead of trying to cover every base and do things the right way? Even a week earlier and you’d still be here. We’d be far away from Myrtle, this baby would yours and Ivy would be happy.’

  Bec sniffed as tears trickled down her cheeks. ‘I think Ivy knows but I only realised it yesterday. When we were waiting for you in Lorne, I told her you were coming to visit and you were bringing a puppy. I was sowing a seed to prepare her for the news that I was leaving Adam. I’ve always assumed the girls thought I was frantic that afternoon because of Adam, not because my heart was breaking for you.’

  A wet nose suddenly snuck in under Bec’s arm and then a tongue was licking her face. She sat up with a start. A merle-coated puppy bounded into her lap. The ache in her heart intensified. ‘Oh, Hugo.’

  This puppy looked like Turbo. Oh, God, it must be the Langs’. What were they doing in the cemetery at dawn the day after the anniversary? Yesterday was their day. Panic rattled her. Leave now! But how? Her gaze frantically flitted around the cemetery before focusing on the fence. If she clambered through it, she could get out onto the road. She scrambled to her feet, but pain snagged at her like barbed wire.

  She’d only taken two steps when she heard, ‘Bec? Is that you?’ She wanted to run but her body wouldn’t cooperate.

  Her head throbbed as she squinted into the dawn light. Wasn’t it supposed to be soft and muted? This was as intense as the noonday sun. She felt herself sway.

  ‘Phil!’ Julie called.

  The puppy barked.

  The roar in Bec’s head was as loud as the bass at a rock concert. Julie’s outline lost focus, suddenly elongating like the reflections in the crazy mirrors at a carnival. She could hear Julie talking but the words sounded as if they were spoken underwater. Adam flashed into her head. Adam with a rope. Sweat doused her. Her legs buckled.

  A strong arm went around her. Then she felt the chill of the marble underneath her and the pressure of a hand pushing her head between her knees. Another image hit her. Adam pulling her head. She screamed and threw her head back. Unlike the hand in her flashback, this one fell instantly away.

  ‘Bec, it’s okay. It’s Julie and Phil.’