So I clung to each tiny smile and each touch of his hands and lips, and each loving word whispered into my ear, and I locked them away in my heart—just in case. If those moments were held there, secure and untouched, Kennet or someone like him, could never truly take them away. Garrett would always be there inside of me and would sustain me the way his tiny magical flame had sustained me in my darkest moments with Kennet.

  I wiped away the tears running down my cheeks and got up to take a shower. I didn’t want to wallow in these feelings, they just snuck up on me at the strangest times. After I dressed, I kissed my handsome sleeping lover on the cheek and went downstairs to look for Liam. He took one look at me and gestured that I sit at the table to eat. I really hadn’t been eating much lately, not having much of an appetite, and this afternoon wasn’t an exception. He gave me my favorite omelet with ham, toast and juice, telling me to skip the coffee and then sat down across from me.

  “I can’t eat all of this.”

  “You need to eat. I can’t help you if you’re physically weak.”

  “Are you going to work some magic on me? Am I doing so poorly?" He didn't respond with words, only looking at me with worry. "I’m trying, you know.” I glanced down at the plate of food, already feeling frustrated by my inability to move forward.

  Liam spoke softly. “Eat, please, and I’ll talk.” I smiled thinly and stuffed a mouthful of eggs into my mouth. It was absolute heaven, so more forkfuls followed the first.

  “Kennet tortured Ethan and Aedus with visions that they believed were real. Your torture was a combination and so the visions and the reality are linked together much more strongly. I can’t go into your head and do for you what you did for them. It might temporarily help you, but it could all come crashing back, causing you more pain. There are two things that I can do that might help you, so I'll describe them and give you the choice.”

  I looked down and was surprised to see that I’d finished my eggs. I started on the ham. “Okay, so give me the two options.” Sitting with Liam made me feel safe, too.

  “I can make you forget it. I can go into your head and wipe out the painful parts and just leave the parts you want to remember, like the work you did with Isaiah.”

  I sat very still for what seemed like a long time. He could make me forget the beatings, the rape of my mind, the sound of his laugh when he whipped me and the gleam in his eye as he left the room after I’d collapsed on the bed. But he’d also be taking away the power of what I’d managed to accomplish with Isaiah’s help and my motives for handing him over to suffer.

  I shook my head, surprising myself. "I don’t really want to forget. I thought I did, but I don't. I want remembering to have no power over me. I don’t want to lose a part of my life, even a horrible part.”

  He nodded, accepting my decision. “Then you’ll relive it with me. It'll be like it’s happening again, but I’ll be there with you. I won’t be able to change what happened, only how you feel about it afterward. It'll always be a very painful memory, but when it’s over, you won’t feel the intense guilt or rage or fear. You’ll be able to…" He tilted his head and frowned in the way the fae do when they're working something out in their minds. "I can’t say you’ll ever be back to what was once normal, but the memories won’t incapacitate you. It’s the fae version of years of therapy.

  “And what will you feel during this?”

  “I’ll be in your skin and I’ll feel it all right along with you. I’ll be there through everything. We’ll go back to Faerie and my father will administer a potion to put us into a dream state. It'll take around two days, reliving everything from the moment you woke up in the room to the moment you woke up in Garrett’s arms in the woods. I can skip quickly through some of the sleeping segments.”

  “And if I choose not to do either?”

  Liam smiled with pity in his eyes. “You know that the rage and the fear are building inside of you. You’re very powerful. When it becomes too much, you might hurt someone seriously. Sinc was very fortunate that you didn’t put your fist into her throat or her skull. Garrett can only do so much. Talking with a psychiatrist will help but you’ll require years of therapy and also drugs to keep you calm. You could become dangerous to everyone around you.”

  I looked at him with tears in my eyes and said hoarsely, “I don’t think I can survive it again.” I shuddered as more tears fell down my cheeks. He handed me a box of tissues and grasped my hand.

  “I’ll be there every minute, even when you sleep. My father will be monitoring us. He’ll wake us up if it’s too much. He’d never let anything happen to you or me.”

  “You’ll feel the pain when he whips me?’

  “Yes, I’ll feel it just as you do.”

  I took a moment to look deeply into his violet eyes. “Why would you do this for me, Liam?”

  He turned away from me, taking his hand with him. “Please don’t ask me that, because I’ll have to give you the stock answer, the one I give everyone else.” He turned back to me. “But there should only be truth between us.”

  My heart flipped over as I looked at his sweet face and saw the pain there. “I can’t let you do this.”

  His expression was very serious. “You will allow me to do this for you, because it’s all that I can give you, and because Garrett is my dear friend and he needs you to be whole. When you went to Kennet, to exchange yourself for your sister, I wasn’t here. I should have been here for you. You would have come to me and then Kennet never would have taken you. Please, allow me this.”

  “I’m afraid.”

  “As am I.“ He took my hand again. “But we’ll come out the other side… intact and untwisted.” He smiled for the first time and I managed a weak smile of my own.

  “When?”

  “Not until your body is strong enough.”

  “So the food I eat there in that room won’t really fill up my body in Faerie?”

  “No, as the whip won’t mark your skin. This is to deal with your anger and your fear, not physical injuries that no longer exist.”

  “And when I’m there, will I remember that I escape?”

  “No. Sometimes you’ll feel as hopeless and as helpless as you did then, but I'll be there at every step to remind you that you are powerful and that this is not your fault, and that Kennet will not escape punishment. His power is in his ability to take away yours. This time around, it won’t happen.”

  “Will anything be different?”

  “No, it will all happen exactly as it did before, you’ll just feel differently about it at the end.”

  “What’s Garrett said about all of this?”

  “He doesn’t know. It’s your choice to make without pressure from him. He would probably tell you not to do it.”

  “You seem sure of that.”

  “Well, he’d push for that until he saw that he couldn’t change your mind, and then he’d support your decision.”

  I nodded and smiled at him. “Sounds about right, but you never know with him.”

  “Jackie, start taking care of yourself so we can do this thing soon.” He wanted to get it over with because it would be difficult for him.

  “Am I pushing my luck if I ask for another omelet?” He laughed and got up to make me one while I sipped more juice.

  “Can I have one too, please?” Bridgett was up looking all disheveled and smelling like wild ginger. I twisted my mouth in a curious smile. She sent, “I slept with William; I know you can smell him on me. We didn’t do anything, really, just cuddled together, so don’t look at me like I’m…’

  “Bridgett, I’m not judging you at all.”

  “Really? You don’t think I’m a slut?”

  “Do you love him?” She nodded. “Does he love you?”

  “Totally.”

  “Then it’s all good.”

  “It’s just that I’m going away soon and I don’t know when I’m going to see him again.”

  “Maybe they’ll let him visit.”

  “Yeah, right. Most of the fae seem pretty conservative. Some of them walk around like they have sticks up their butts. They probably only have sex when they have kids , which doesn’t seem to be very often.” Liam started laughing and I joined in, not able to contain myself any longer. “You were listening?” She was blushing bright red.

  Liam handed us our plates. “You broadcast your thoughts so loudly they can probably hear them in Faerie.” She looked terrified.

  “He’s just kidding. They can’t hear them in Faerie.” I motioned toward her plate. “Eat.” We both dug in.

  “And to correct your assumption about the Fae rarely having sex, we celebrate the balance of life, and sex is an important component. Most of us enjoy an extremely active sex life. You’re a single woman. You’ll probably be propositioned on a daily basis. Don’t take it personally. Saying no works very well in our culture. Just be polite about it."

  Bridgett’s face was so red I felt sorry for her. “He’s not kidding about that part.”

  Liam looked directly at Bridgett with a pleasant smile. “Personally, I don’t enjoy the feeling of a stick up my butt, but I can’t speak for everyone.” I keeled over, spitting out my mouthful of eggs into my napkin. Even Bridgett started to laugh, hesitantly at first and then louder when she saw Liam joining in.

  “So who’s going to tell me?” Garrett was standing in the doorway wearing his usual black slacks and button down shirt, his hair still damp from his shower.

  “I think it’s one of those moments you had to be there for. But I’ll try to explain.”

  “No it’s fine. I don’t want to ruin the moment with long explanations.” Garrett took a cup of coffee from the pot on the counter and turned back to Liam. “Could you please join me for a moment in my office? I have a favor to ask.”

  Chapter Fifty-six

  Garrett: 3:00 PM Monday

  I handed Liam the email from Nathaniel. “Do you remember Nathaniel? It was about seventy five years ago.”

  “Yes I remember him: powerful mentally, not physically, plain for a vampire, light brown hair, brown eyes, my height, huge ego, cruel to his nest, insecure despite his power. Humans tend to die in his territory.”

  “Like a steel trap.” I laughed and he shrugged. “I wondered if you’d accompany Sasha to deliver a message for me. You’ll need to carry him through the lines. I’d really like it if you’d just appear in his living room or on his patio, sometime when he’s relaxed and not expecting anything.”

  “You prefer not to simply reply to his email?” He smiled knowingly.

  “Not so much, although I do want Sasha to give him a formal message in writing as well. It will be hard for him to ignore this show of power. I hope you don’t mind being used so crudely.”

  “I’m used to it.” I laughed at his dramatic tone of voice. His expression turned evil. “I think I would enjoy seeing Nathaniel again. The last time he screamed like a young girl if I remember correctly.”

  I barked out a laugh. “He's never been much of a fighter, although he has a larger nest, now. I have Sinc researching all of them so that we’ll be prepared for anything. If it turns out he has a witch or a sorcerer on the payroll, I’ll send Angel too.”

  “Ah yes, the Latin lothario.” I looked at him with surprise. “He made a pass at Kellaine. I was tempted to neuter him, but I controlled myself. Kellaine made it clear she wasn’t available, too politely for my taste.”

  “Liam, my friend, you sound like a man with a mate.”

  "As you know, the situation is different in my culture. She’s the daughter of an Elder and because I'm the son of an Elder, is considered a good match for me. We were pushed together almost as soon as she was born. Because I’m half human, the general belief is that I have a good chance at fathering a child. Kellaine is full blood fae and so I can’t see that our chances are much better than two full bloods. Still there is—pressure on us. It takes away the…”

  “Romance? Spontaneity?”

  “I’m very fond of her, Garrett. She’s lovely, intelligent and I know that she cares for me. We’ve been lovers for centuries, but I can’t touch her without thinking about what’s expected of us. Lately, I find myself avoiding her. I should let her go.”

  “Take her someplace away from Faerie and spend some time together. See what happens. You can use Eleanor’s place in Carmel. It’s beautiful there. “

  “You still don’t refer to it as your place.”

  “Too many bad memories. I’ve had it cleaned up and completely redecorated, but I still can’t bring myself to go there.”

  “It’s where your family died, Garrett. Perhaps you should sell it.”

  I ran a hand through my hair. “I don’t want to do that either. I'd like Jackie to see it. I should be able to get past it. It was so long ago.” I looked at Liam. “It was where I spoke to them for the last time, before each one was taken away to die. I often wondered why she left me for last. I think she was modifying her techniques, believing all the time that I had the best chance to survive. Sometimes I wish I could kill her again.“ I’d hissed that out, startling myself with my old anger rearing its head. “Her death didn’t…”

  “It didn’t end your pain, nothing will do that. But it’s given you a chance to start again, Garrett.” Liam sounded annoyed.

  I thought again about Jackie and I’m sure my expression reflected some of my fear. “She’ll never be completely safe. Being my mate makes her a target for my enemies.”

  Liam actually laughed at me. “And what supernatural is completely safe? She’s not your child, she’s your mate and she’s powerful enough to stand by your side in any battle. I should kick you in the ass right now. This isn’t like you.”

  I rubbed my temple. “I’m afraid for her. She’s not dealing with what happened. I got her to talk about it once, but she exploded with Sinc. And I still sense that she’s struggling constantly to hold herself together. I’m not sure where to go from here.”

  “Jackie and I have reached an agreement on a possible course of action. Perhaps you'd call her in here so we can discuss it and I can answer your questions?”

  Curious, I sent to her, “Jackie, could you come to my office, please?”

  Jackie came in and sat down and then Liam explained the whole thing from beginning to end. I watched her watching for my reaction so I made sure that I showed none. My mind was churning at the thought of her having to live through that torture a second time. How could I allow that? Allow. There was an inappropriate word if I ever heard one. Jackie isn’t a child. She’s a powerful female who deserves to make her own decisions, but, my god—to be tortured all over again?

  Calmly, I asked, “Was there another option?” Liam then described the memory wipe. I knew immediately that she wouldn’t go for that. I never would have either. No matter how painful, I never want to forget what Eleanor did to my family and my nest.

  “I’ll stay with you during the entire process.” She smiled at me, her green eyes glistening with unshed tears, looking scared and a little bit desperate.

  Liam responded. “Of course, Garrett, only we have to wait a few more days until she’s physically strong enough.” Liam stood up. “Let me know when you need me to bring Sasha to deliver your message to Nathaniel.”

  “Probably tomorrow night.” Liam nodded and left.

  As soon as the door closed she was walking around the end of the desk and crawling into my lap. “Thank you. Liam thought you’d push me to do the memory wipe, but that in the end you’ d support me.”

  “I’d never ask you to forget what you managed to overcome. I’d never want to forget one moment with Eleanor.”

  “I’m afraid, Garrett. I’m afraid that I’ll go through it all again and it won’t help me, that I’ll be worse.”

  “We’re going to trust that Liam knows what he’s doing. If he’s willing to do this, then it’s going to work.” I kissed her gently and then asked, “Is Sasha up?”

  “I haven’t seen him.” She was curled up against my chest with her arm wrapped around my waist.

  “Then could you send Bridgett in, please?”

  She sighed. “Yes, boss.” She didn’t move.

  “I said please.”

  “Uh huh.” Still no movement.

  “It seems that you need some motivation. What do you have in mind?”

  “A vacation.”

  “Where?”

  “Let’s visit Francois.”

  “We’ll go in the spring.”

  “Really?”

  “Yes, my love, we’ll go to Paris in May, for your birthday.” She smiled and gave me a delicious hug but still wasn’t moving off of my lap. “What else?”

  “Another kiss, then I’ll be good.” So we kissed again and I forgot about my desk full of work or Nathaniel and his challenge. She put her hand on my face. “Your skin is still warm, but you haven’t fed today.”

  “I had some very high octane fuel during ‘plus tard’.” She laughed and shoved me. “I don’t think I’ll have to use a donor today. Must be the demon blood floating to the surface.”

  “Well that’s fine with me. I don’t like those donors of yours.”

  “You don’t know them.”

  “Just on principle.” She took in a deep breath, pulling my scent into her lungs.

  “You’d like them all.”

  “Well maybe we’ll just invite them to come with us to Paris in May.” She was baiting me to see what I'd say.

  I played along. “I don’t think they’ll all be able to take off from work. Perhaps one or two." I pretended to think about it. "Carol should be able to come,”

  “Did I say I wanted to know their names? In fact I think I expressly mentioned not wanting to know their names.” Her face was buried in the hollow at the bottom of my neck and her hand clutched at my shirt.

  “Carol was at the bonding ceremony with her mother. In fact they were all there. I introduced them to you, I just didn’t mention that they were donors.” I was stroking her hair to calm her.