‘- so it made sense to me to wash it. I then threw it off the balcony, and explained to the other guests that it was just a cute little green snake – but they were not impressed and they all locked their doors.

  ‘The next morning, at the pool, and the snake approaches Claudia, who picks it up, has a look, and then tosses it … straight into the pool, just as a fat lady guest goes for a swim.

  ‘The lady screamed obviously -’

  ‘So would I!’ Jenny cut in.

  ‘- and I did my bit and fetched the snake. And during the night the hotel staff had collected up the cats using the local animal rescue people, and I asked where they had taken them – I feared they had been put down.

  ‘The guy on reception said that the cats had been dumped at another hotel. I puzzled that and said: won’t the cats cause the same problem at this new hotel?

  ‘He shrugged and said: I worked there, they fired me.’

  The audience laughed loudly, Jenny as well.

  ‘So he dumped the cats at the hotel that had fired him,’ the host said with a grin.

  I nodded. ‘Payback time.’

  ‘Snakes are not cute!’ Jenny reprimanded me, a slap on my arm.

  I told our host, ‘My job, whenever we’re in a holiday hotel, is to move any spiders, frogs, small snakes, things like that. I have to check the room before the girls go into the room.

  ‘In Jamaica I heard something moving around, so I threw a shoe at it. When it threw the shoe back at me I said: nope, not getting out of bed.’

  The audience and Jenny laughed.

  ‘We had a cute Mongoose issue,’ I explained.

  ‘I was attacked by one in Jamaica!’ our host put in. ‘It must have been at least eight inches long.’ They laughed. He asked, ‘Jenny, spiders in the bathtub…’

  ‘I scream and run.’

  ‘Claudia is not afraid of anything,’ I told them. ‘A dog in street snarls at her, she snarls back at it and it runs off. Men run off as well.’

  ‘She takes no crap…’

  ‘If a man asks her out, she will politely decline. If he persists, she will put the fear of god into him, or knock him cold.

  ‘She’s been in trouble with the police in Germany, but I’m not unhappy with her attitude - women should defend themselves, and the twins have self-defence classes.’

  ‘You had a guy come at you with a knife in a hotel, caught on camera…’

  ‘I practise the moves with movie stuntmen, so in real life it’s very similar. I spent years playing soccer, and in England … the players don’t shake hands before a match – they punch each other.’

  ‘Jenny, can you defend yourself?’

  ‘No, I’d run and scream.’

  ‘And if you had an action movie to shoot?’

  ‘I wouldn’t do an action movie, I’m afraid to stand on a chair and look down. If my apartment block elevator judders I panic. And an earthquake in LA freaked me out.’

  ‘Ricky, you had women here in American accuse you of rape – when you had never even visited, the FBI proving that. Did that affect you?’

  ‘It affected my parents, and the twins parents of course, we thought that my reputation would be hit and that we would lose the work. But the women were proven to be lying, or mistaken as was the case here in New York -’

  ‘You let that lady off lightly...’

  ‘She made an honest mistake, the man had a fake ID with my name on it, but she never questioned his Italian accent.’

  ‘You don’t have an accent at all, almost British yet a bit Canadian. It’s an accent free accent, you’d be great for radio shows. So you don’t get mad at these women?’

  ‘As I told Jenny, life is good when the people out there are not angry at you, but life is better when you’re not angry at them. If you allow yourself to be affected … then they win and your life is screwed up.

  ‘When I met the twins, they were … nervous and reserved around people because they knew they had an emotional dependency and a strong bond, identical twins often do.

  ‘Their parents worried about that bond, because if one was sick or hurt the other would suffer greatly, and the twins mother – also an identical twin – had been forced apart from her sister and grew up without her.

  ‘I helped the twins to be themselves … and to be happy with their dependency, and I worked the parents around, who now accept that it’s not ideal – but that the twins are happy as a pair, and we all work well together accepting that.

  ‘The only issue, for me, is that they come from a long line of identical twin girls, so … if I made them pregnant I would have two sets of identical twin baby girls, four kids in one go.’

  ‘Does that frighten you?’

  ‘No, not even a little bit. My only concern would be having enough money, four dresses at a time, four sets of braces.’

  The audience laughed.

  The host suggested, ‘Four teenage boyfriends visiting...’

  ‘I’d have a high fence and some guard dogs.’

  ‘Jenny, were you popular in school?’

  ‘Hell no, I was the goofy ugly girl that people ignored. When I got into acting I didn’t understand it, why they cast me and liked me.’

  ‘I bet those girls are kicking themselves now,’ he noted. ‘Any plans, marriage and kids?’

  ‘I’m trying, I am, trying to meet Mister Right, and Ricky is sooo not Mister Right for me, he’s the box of chocolates that are very fattening.’

  They laughed.

  ‘Can’t resist the chocolates,’ our host noted.

  I faced Jenny. ‘Box of chocolates?’ I teased.

  She whispered, ‘Girls love chocolate, but we know it’s bad for us. We have to ration it, or it’s too much pleasure – pleasure overload.’

  I nodded. Facing our host I said, ‘When I go visit some place in my home town, a lawyer or a business or I need to buy something, the girls on reception often shriek – then compose themselves.’

  They laughed.

  ‘It puts me on edge, girls shrieking at the sight of me.’

  Our host told me, ‘That happens to me as well, when I don’t have the make-up on.’ They laughed. ‘So what’s next for you, Ricky, the Indie film?’

  ‘The film, in May, and I’m busy now trying to boost local small businesses in my home town.’

  ‘And Jenny?’

  ‘I’m signed for another season, with an option for five seasons, and hopefully we keep hold of the top slot a while longer.’

  ‘Jenny Patrick, Ricky Roskov, thanks for being here tonight.’

  The audience applauded and we waved, standing and shaking hands with the host.

  ‘We’re clear,’ came finally, and I made a point of posing with large groups of the audience for snaps.

  To our host, I asked, ‘How was that?’

  ‘Flawless, no need for an edit or re-shoot, you’re an old pro at this.’

  I thanked the crew and posed, and Jenny wanted to come to the airport with me, so we jumped in the van after using the toilet. In the van I explained the hotel in Corsica and what we would do to it, and she wanted in.

  As we drove, I told her, ‘There’s a shit load of land, a mile across, big enough for a golf course, so you can build a small villa and rent it out, stay there when you visit. We can run it for you.’

  ‘I could sit down and design one,’ she noted.

  ‘I’ll send you the designs of the others when we have them.’

  Detailing the cave and the scuba diving, she was amazed, and amazed at what we had planned – a hotel inside a cave and inside a gun emplacement, six feet of concrete.

  I whispered to her, ‘I get a good pay-out for the show, do you want some?’

  She shook her head. ‘Spoil me in Europe.’

  At the airport she said goodbye, a hug, and the guys promised to get her safely home. I tipped them a hundred dollars each.

  After checking in, Passport Control queried my short stay.

  ‘Just did a talk show, quick turnaround. You can catch it tomorrow night apparently.’

  ‘I will do, yeah, wife likes your stuff.’

  Sat on the other side, at the gates, I had three hours to wait, soon being rudely interrupted as a girl sat down, an absolute vision of blonde hair and sparkling blue-grey eyes, and she looked familiar.

  ‘You look familiar,’ I said as she waited.

  ‘I am model,’ came accented. ‘Born in Czech Republic. You fly London?’

  ‘Yes, I just did a chat show, one day visit. Who are you signed to?’

  ‘MBC, Paris.’

  ‘Catwalk?’

  ‘Some, yes, some clothes and make-up.’

  ‘We just landed a deal with L’Oreal, Paris,’ I idly commented.

  ‘I do some work for zem, yes.’

  ‘And … did you want to do some work with me?’

  ‘Yes, of course.’

  ‘What commission does your agent take?’

  ‘Twenty-two percent, and costs, some jobs thirty percent.’

  ‘What commission would you want?’ I asked.

  ‘Less maybe, but better quality work, zey are pigs; I am like girl for cleaning toilet. And boss tries to touch us.’

  ‘His name?’

  ‘Jacque de Carvier. And he is married pig.’

  I nodded. ‘I have heard things about the Paris industry. But we’re a small agency, so … I don’t know what work we will find for you.’

  ‘Your contract is open, yes?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Then that is good, I do some work and then wait.’

  ‘What will you do in London?’

  ‘Back to Paris and wait for them to call us. I am in apartment, five girls.’

  ‘Had a show here in America?’

  ‘Yes, here in New York, ten days, but shit money – five hundred Euro a day less costs. And we fly two-three days, no pay.’

  ‘Your name?’

  ‘Eva Allertova.’

  ‘I’m Ricky Roskov,’ I teased.

  ‘I know this already,’ she complained as I grinned at her. ‘Where is Roskov name from?’

  ‘My grandparents went from Russia to Finland to Copenhagen to England.’

  ‘You look Italian.’

  ‘Yes, I get that a lot.’ I dug out one of Trish’s cards. ‘Contact that lady, my agent, and make sure we have a way to contact you. We’re making a film in May, so maybe I can get you a part, but it will not pay much. If you do it ... it is to be seen.’

  ‘The film will be seen by who?’

  ‘Many people in Europe and here in America. Do you have any skills, besides modelling?’

  She considered that. ‘I speak Russian, Czech and English, German is OK. I … ride a horse like champion.’

  ‘Boyfriend?’

  ‘No, no time, and they all think I am stupid bitch.’

  ‘Did you do well in school?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Could you ride a horse in the movie, naked?’

  ‘In the saddle, they don’t see much, only boobs, and we show boobs all day.’

  ‘Then I have a part for you, you will be seen around the world, your name in the movie detail.’

  ‘This I do.’

  Chatting to her passed the time, and she was very easy on the eye, a great figure – being a model, and she possessed a natural sparkle that was well hidden under some anger. She would get on well with Claudia.

  ‘Have you ever worked behind a bar?’

  ‘Yes, when I was finishing school, I was good at it.’

  ‘Then you can fly to Stockholm, to my nightclub, and look good behind the bar for four days, and we pay you, and the flight and room. This helps my nightclub, and you will have time to talk to the twins and the other models.’

  As we boarded she asked my seat number, and after we had levelled off she walked back, a seat near me empty, so she sat there, partly for protection from men wanting to join the Mile High Club.

  I needed to sleep, and I told her so, so after the meal – which we spent chatting quietly, I folded my arms and closed my eyes.

  Awake before we landed, she was awake and with it, used to catnapping a few times a day. I handed her my spare dollars, an advance, and we parted company as she headed to Transit.

  Most murders are in the family…

  Back in Leicester, I flopped on the sofa, my mum making me a cup of tea. ‘Feel like I’ve been around the pigging world.’

  ‘Worth it?’ my dad asked.

  ‘A big pay-out, but you’re not supposed to know how much. But it would buy this house a few times over.’

  They stood shocked.

  ‘Don’t tell anyone yet, I signed a contract to say that I wouldn’t.’ I called Trish. ‘I’m back.’

  ‘How did it go?’

  ‘Fine, no re-shoots or alterations, a one-hit take. When do we get paid?’

  ‘Ten days.’

  ‘Just hope they pay up.’

  ‘They’d be crucified by your fans if they didn’t, and it’s a black and white contract.’

  ‘And … it says that I can’t reveal the amount they paid me?’

  ‘No, because you have to pay tax. It says you agree not to widely advertise or publically admit the amount, for a period of 90 days.’

  ‘That’s OK then, I was worried. Oh, I met a new model, New York, and she has your details, Eva something, Czech, and well suited, she’s a babe.’

  ‘Listen, I … think there’s a problem with Michelle in Birmingham, her father.’

  ‘He is a bit creepy, and a bit over-protective.’

  ‘I think he might be touching her.’

  ‘Ah … fuck. How the fuck do I deal with him … without hurting her?’

  ‘She’ll turn eighteen, in fact she has, so … she could leave home.’

  ‘I have an apartment she can use. Why don’t you be the one to gently steer her away, I don’t want the tabloids making up stories about me.’

  ‘She’ll be back here again, a few days, she picks it all up fast. I’ll see what I can do.’

  ‘She can use the apartment, we can advance her some money.’

  ‘Her father wants the money paid into his account, payment due, but I held it back.’

  ‘Hold onto it. Does she have a passport?’

  ‘Yes, a new one.’

  ‘So she can go to Sweden as well. But if the father goes to the media he could cause problems till we drop him in it. He’d list her as a missing person.’

  I called the twins before I went to bed, and in the morning they would be off to Paris for the L’Oreal make-up shoot with Olesya and Ingrid, Ingrid to be the protection.

  Telling them about the new model, they wanted to meet her, so I explained the idea – of Eva working in the bar in Stockholm.

  I was not mentioning Michelle yet, I did not want to spoil their trip.

  After a bad night’s sleep due to the jet lag, I headed to the police, and to a lady officer that I knew. She took me to a side room with a senior male colleague.

  I began, ‘This is off the record for now. One of my models, girl in Birmingham - just turned eighteen, we … think her father was abusing her. She seems to hint at wanting to get away, so if I help her get away, am I doing anything wrong?’

  ‘She’s turned eighteen, she can do whatever the hell she wants,’ the man told me. ‘He can’t drag her back, but he can kick up a fuss. She can get a police restraining order or a court order, and we’d arrest him every time he came looking for her, but he’d just be released and do it all over again the next day.’

  ‘And if I drop him in it to the national press?’

  ‘He’d be beaten-up, his house trashed, so you’d best be sure about the evidence.’

  The lady officer asked, ‘Is she likely to want to press charges?’

  ‘That’s the hard part, her mother caught in the middle. It sounds like she just wants a quiet life, maybe to put it behind her. And I need to make a decision soon because we’re due to pay her a few grand, and the father wants the money to go into his account.’

  ‘Controlling her,’ the male officer noted.

  ‘So if I get her an apartment and refuse to say where she is…’ ‘You’re not breaking any laws.’

  ‘And if he comes looking for me late one night?’

  ‘Then you kick the shit out of him and we arrest him afterwards. He has no business to come near you, but he could argue that he’s looking for her. If she sends a letter, or asks us to tell him not to find her, then you can kick the shit out of him when he turns up here.’

  ‘If she’s serious about me hiding her, I could just call him with what I know. He’d not want it to get out.’

  ‘Sweeping it under the rug,’ she noted. ‘You may be criticised for that. And we can prosecute him without her consent, but we would need some evidence, her cooperation, a pregnancy and DNA test.’

  The male officer told me, ‘It’s all down to what she wants; a quiet life, or to send him to prison. She can say that they argued and she wants a restraining order, but if she mentions abuse then we have to take it further – with the publicity that would result.’

  ‘The clients won’t want a model that has been abused, it would be the start and end of her fucking career,’ I told them.

  They exchanged looks.

  ‘Have that talk, then come back to us,’ he told me. ‘But don’t worry about hiding her, just register it with us.’

  I stood. ‘Thanks. I … want to do the right thing for her, but also respect her wishes and not go hurt the man.’

  They stood. ‘We hear that a lot,’ the lady officer began. ‘Daddy touched me, but I still love him, please don’t hurt daddy.’

  I shook my head and sighed out. ‘Don’t know how you do the damn job.’

  ‘You get used to it, unfortunately.’

  Back at home, I worked on the script, a new scene with Eva riding a horse naked, a second scene where I’m dreaming that Claudia is actually Wonder Woman.

  Then an idea hit me. Saddles, saddle flaps, Claudia having trouble with her saddle flaps, a loud conversation in the café about the trouble she was having with her flaps. It was rude, but what the hell, it would go straight to DVD.

  The next day, and the sky came crashing down on me, Michelle in hospital, her mother dead, the father arrested. In a state of shock, I grabbed Bonza and we drove to Birmingham, and entering the hospital most everyone recognised me, some recognising Bonza from the Interflora adverts.