I nodded. ‘To defuse a rapid rise in house prices during the next two Labour terms.’ I faced Chessington. ‘Any warning signs?’

  ‘Plenty, economy heading for a line of a chart that says “overheating”, but house prices and rental prices are not climbing sharply, and inflation is OK where it is.

  ‘Generally, a heated economy sees rental prices spike, then house prices, then inflation follows, but we started with retail inflation, we dodged mortgage and rental inflation, and interest rates have not been forced up to cool those two aspects.

  ‘So at the moment … all the economists are scratching their heads because we’ve not seen this before. The chart that gives the warning signs is sat in isolation, because the rest of the data doesn’t support it.’

  ‘No pressure on interest rates?’

  ‘None at all, which is odd, very odd.’

  ‘The City’s view of Docklands?’ I asked.

  ‘Long queue of investors wanting apartments there, for rental properties.’

  ‘We’ll rent many ourselves.’ I faced Smythe. ‘Your fund doing OK?’

  ‘Money is tied up in Docklands, waiting to finish a few buildings, as well as nursing homes, but the small house acquisitions are still good, good margins made.’

  ‘Come with me when I open the Barclays posh nursing home in Corsica.’ I faced Chessington. ‘You too.’

  ‘The top executives will be there,’ he informed me.

  I faced Emanuele. ‘Northern Ireland all quiet?’

  ‘Yes, no bombs or shootings now, and many small businesses are doing well and we loan them money, and we see some French and German companies opening offices there, more cars and trucks are sold in Belfast now.’

  ‘And Belfast Docks?’

  ‘Your soft prison was opened, and busy, and another apartment block, two more under construction.’

  I faced my NI guy. ‘They ours?’

  ‘One is, one is private money. But in the city we grabbed two old office blocks and converted them to small apartments, and the apartments were all rented on day one by young people.’

  ‘Houses freed up by opening the nursing home in East Belfast?’

  ‘We were not granted any council places, they were reserved for locals. About thirty were sold by the council.’

  ‘And listed housing shortages?’ I asked.

  ‘For young couples, yes, less so now with our new apartment blocks and revamped houses. There’s no large number of people waiting for housing over there, but a desire by many for a better quality house, another baby and another bedroom maybe.’

  ‘Gas pipes?’

  ‘Expanding all around Belfast and working outwards, and within a year all houses might have access.’

  ‘Good. Mobile phone network?’

  ‘Now in Derry, countryside is patchy, another year’s work.’

  ‘Is Harland Wolf surviving?’

  ‘They have a steady supply of ships, but each month they let go fifty men and re-train them, to the construction industry, so they’re scaling back the dead wood, a smaller workforce.’

  ‘Good, some progress. Is there a need for more tall apartment blocks?’

  ‘Yes, could fill a few more.’

  ‘Then wait till the current ones are finished and we’ll build more.’ I faced Russell. ‘We finding more commuter hubs around London?’

  ‘Each week, yes, some good deals, and we’re now meeting British Rail regular, to get them to open a few new stations, and we help with costs.’

  ‘And Mandle Grove?’

  ‘Coming along, but a large ugly building site at the moment.’

  ‘People still complain about a lack of apartments here…’

  ‘Young people do, those working in the city and wanting a place, but we have a small excess of houses up for sale and rent now, and they take longer to sell.’

  ‘And space left for tall blocks in the city?’

  ‘You wanted to demolish a few council houses, and they agree that the houses are old, so up by Travis Park there are four rows to demolish, and we can build towers there, eight towers, cheap apartments – not for executives.’

  ‘Nice enough for a secretary?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘I was thinking … that in Lake Valley on Corsica you invest some money and build a few Phase Zero, a block of posh apartments with internal walkways and a café and a large pool, to sell or to rent out. They’d fill quickly.’

  ‘I’ll have some designs made up. On a slope?’

  ‘It’s all on a slope, but not steep. We’d build them near each other, but then have a doctor’s office nearby, a shop.’

  ‘How much land is there?’

  ‘Six miles long and two miles wide!’

  ‘So I could build a load of posh apartments and sell them…’

  ‘You could.’

  ‘I want some,’ Smythe put in. ‘Saudis said the valley was fantastic. I want some to sell and some to rent out. And some Phase Zero blocks.’

  ‘Chat to Russel - to chat to my partner down there, but there’s plenty of land, and the new golf course just opened. Lake is great, dead calm, great for swimming. And the Rasmussen’s villa, I could retire there, trust me. But it gets chilly in January, so no swimming in the lake then, jumper worn indoors.’

  ‘And Mexico?’ Russel asked. ‘A good investment?’

  ‘For the posh complexes, for the longer term, yes, good rental income plus some quick apartment sales. The places for poor people will make modest margins.’

  He told me, ‘We plan to build many posh Phase Zero around the country, next to the posh nursing homes, always a good investment.’

  I nodded. ‘They sell well, yes. How’s the dialysis?’

  ‘Flat out busy all day and on weekends, but they say that it makes a profit. The Yanks that make the kit, they want a second place next to it.’

  ‘I’d say yes, if they invest some staff and time and money.’

  ‘They’re keen to do so, great research they reckon.’

  ‘And north of Birmingham, the housing?’ I posed.

  ‘Leeds is doing well, many new towers, and … it’s a case of isolated areas that are doing well, and to avoid the dead areas.’

  I nodded as I considered that. ‘We’ll help the north through nursing homes.’ I faced Emanuele. ‘I’m going to partner with some French investors and build nice nursing homes in the southwest of France, starting early next year - as well as places for poor pensioners. And then places for Swedish and German citizens in Crete.’

  ‘The EU is keen for that to happen,’ she told me. ‘Italy now thinks that it will build a hundred nursing homes in five years.’

  ‘That will keep my people there busy,’ I quipped. I faced Russel. ‘Any word on my Groggy Hotel?’

  ‘Full to bursting with groggy teenagers, had a few deaths – which was expected, a few suicides, also expected. And that new block of small rooms will be open soon, a good margin expected, nine hundred rooms spread over many floors and two blocks, ten cafes, big laundry, three shops.

  ‘There’s a handyman that now lives in one of the rooms, and two cleaners that live in the rooms, TV lounges for groups of people, plenty of old sofas.’

  ‘Cameras?’

  ‘Yes, all angles and entrances.’

  ‘Any view … as to how many key worker apartments we need?’

  ‘Thousands more.’

  ‘Keep looking for places with rooms then, not apartments.’

  ‘The BBC did a documentary about The Old Tannery, made it look nice, interviewed bus drivers and tube drivers, office cleaners. You saw them in work and then at home in The Old Tannery in communal groups.’

  I faced Glen. ‘And your mate?’

  ‘We’re grabbing rundown apartments still, a never ending supply of them, and we refurb them and rent them out straight away. Got eleven cafes running now, twelve pharmacies and twenty shops in the group, local warehouse that Lucas set up.’

  ‘And our computer business?’

  ‘Had slipped back a bit but still busy, now picking up again, and Tony Blair wants computers in all schools, so that’s a tonne of computers, most being second hand stock.’

  ‘Make sure each school with computers gets a nudge to use our new game, the educational version.’

  ‘Was a few write-ups about it, and the schools are keen, parents as well.’

  ‘And fifty-percent mortgages in the city?’

  ‘We’re vetting the applications carefully, to see if our fifty percent would be a good investment. In some cases it would have been slow, in some we think we’ll make great money, so we pick and choose.’

  ‘As it should be, yes.’

  ‘And we’re finding many old buildings on the edge of Docklands and converting them to apartments and offices. We look for local bus stops, nearest tube station, shops, then we get involved.’

  ‘All good stuff, don’t just grab buildings for fun.’

  Russel put in, ‘We’re building a few nice apartment blocks in Maidstone, Kent, and along the train line, close to the train stations. Could build a hundred in the next twelve months.’

  ‘Don’t sell them cheaply, fair local price, commuters will buy them not key workers.’

  ‘Leisure centre opened here, out west, houses around it, and now full, a good atmosphere – adds to the value of the houses.’

  ‘My city tennis centre is popular?’

  ‘Almost full some days, manic on weekends, and some people drink in the bar but never play tennis.’

  They laughed.

  He added, ‘It has a good view of the city.’

  ‘And my hotel rooftop bar?’

  ‘Full, and on the weekends - the sun out - it’s also full, girls in bikinis. My girlfriend has banned me from the place.’ They laughed. ‘They do a lot of weddings and private functions.’

  ‘Why ban you?’ I puzzled.

  ‘The girls like to pose, thongs and small bikinis. The men like it, their wives don’t.’

  ‘I … had never considered that they might do that. Perhaps a sign: no sluts allowed.’

  They laughed.

  ‘Needs a sign, yes,’ Russel agreed. ‘But at the moment it draws the crowds on a Sunday lunchtime, and few places do that.’

  Parliament

  When Parliament reconvened, the first debate was about immigration, and I was the key speaker.

  ‘Madam Speaker, Members of the House, what my detective team has found, here and in Africa, is that many of the so-called asylum seekers that land on our shores are far from being genuine asylum seekers … and may well be escaped prisoners, rapist and murderers, false names used – which are never checked it seems.

  ‘Let me be clear. Most countries in Africa have ID cards and voter rolls, they are not so backwards, and a person’s identity can be checked to some degree, and it should be checked.

  ‘I’ve recently spent money on computers and sent them to police stations in West Africa as well as prisons down there, cameras, and fingerprint machines that digitise fingerprints.

  ‘What that means … is that in the future we’ll have a chance at identifying asylum seekers, even when they lie about their real names and towns of birth. We’ll have fingerprints and photographs, especially of escaped prisoners.

  ‘And let’s be clear about something right now. As of today, there are no wars being fought in West Africa, but just last week a hundred asylum seekers from West Africa listed that they were fleeing a war zone, homes destroyed, and that they desperately needed to stay in Britain.

  ‘And yet, those same asylum seekers are telling us they’re from Senegal, which at the moment has no conflict with a neighbour, no one fleeing this imaginary conflict.

  ‘So just when was it that the British immigration services considered it OK to grant asylum to someone that’s clearly lying? Should it not be an offence to lie on your asylum application?

  ‘What is certain, is that our tied, old, and dopey immigration officers will not reject a candidate that says they fled a war in Italy to get to our safe shores. Just how dumb are these officials? Because I think they all know that there are no wars currently being fought in Italy.

  ‘And none in West Africa at the moment either. There may be local violence there and a lack of good jobs, but that’s not the responsibility of British taxpayers, and Tony Blair was elected to serve them, not to fix the world, not to fix Africa. British taxpayers’ money should be spent here … on British taxpayers!’

  A modest cheer of approval went up.

  ‘In response to my efforts to identify asylum seekers, which I kept secret and did not discuss with anyone, not even with Tony Blair, our gracious Prime Minister will now fund that operation, an operation which is far cheaper than housing asylum seekers here.

  ‘What’s also cheaper in the long run … is that British and European taxpayers’ money be spent off the coast of Italy and Libya, and in Greece and Turkey, to stop the migrants before they arrive. Better to do it there, than in Dover, or to house the new arrivals.

  ‘And those new arrivals, coming over from Europe, must all have their applications rejected … since they state they’re fleeing a conflict. Really, what conflict is raging in France at the moment, houses bombed in Calais, tanks seen on the streets of Paris?

  ‘There is no conflict in Europe, yet the asylum seekers do not wish to find a safe haven in France or Italy or Greece, they wish to come to Britain, mainly London. Why? Because most of them have friends and family already here in London, a cash-in-hand job waiting for them, a place to stay lined up.

  ‘And they get here after spending at least thirty thousand pounds with people traffickers, a huge sum for an African, as well as being a crime. So just by arriving here they’re guilty of having paid some very bad people a large sum of money for illegal border crossings, something that our useless immigration officers simply ignore.

  ‘A genuine refugee, one whose house was blown up in a war, arrives with nothing, and they never make use of people traffickers. Genuine refugees arrive from countries that we all see on the nightly news, countries suffering in a war. West Africa … is not in a war at the moment.

  ‘What my detectives found … was a shock to many but not to me. What they found … was that some of the people granted asylum lately, and now benefitting from handouts from the British taxpayer, were drug dealers, rapists and murderers, and men who escaped from prison in Africa.

  ‘Just how dumb are we … that we let them in and hand them a place to live, and let them walk our streets, our children playing in the park next to these men? How remiss is our legal system and the Government, to allow such dangerous men to walk the streets here?

  ‘If they were white men, and British men, they would not be walking free, so why do we fear so much being labelled as racist – and fear rounding up black faces.

  ‘A crime is a crime, whether that person is black or white, and all escaped prisoners must be sent back, and all asylum seekers and illegal immigrants must be held and screened.

  ‘If they cannot be identified, they stay in a prison – forever, not be let out onto Britain’s streets, streets that I’ve been trying hard to make safer.

  ‘And if some idiot from Senegal says he’s fleeing a war, go ask the British Ambassador in Senegal to look out of the window – to see if he can see planes bombing homes. The answer will be no, of course, there is no war raging down there.

  ‘So when was it … that Britain’s immigration officers stopped caring and just worked out their years to retirement? When was it … that apathy crept in, a great fear of being labelled as racist leading to inaction, people granted asylum simply because we have a fear of being labelled as racist?

  ‘Our immigration service desperately needs an overhaul - that service having been left to rot by Thatcher. We need new people recruited, better wages, better conditions and less apathy, more detention centres for illegal immigrants, and none of this nonsense that holding a black African for illegal entry is racist. Illegal entry is a law written down, it doesn’t mention the colour of a person’s skin.

  ‘Illegal entry is just that … it’s illegal, so we need to stop faffing around and start enforcing the laws as written by this house, and we need to stop being so soft with asylum seekers

  ‘And the Home Secretary can be certain … that if a recent asylum seeker rapes and murders a British girl, and that man turns out to be an escaped prisoner from Senegal, that he may come in for some loud criticism by the media.

  ‘Members of The House, the system is broken and it needs fixing, and it needs a radical overhaul, but most of all it needs all of those involved to ignore claims that they are being racist. The law is the law, regardless of skin colour.’

  I sat to a loud murmur of approval from my side of the aisle.

  Tony Blair stood. ‘It’s always nice to start off with a good kick up the backside by my own people.’ They laughed loudly. ‘But unfortunately we do have a mess to fix, a system to reform, and the recent detective work came as a shock to many.

  ‘We are in the process of building more detention centres, most being built in a hurry by the Member for Leicester, and we do aim to tighten up a great deal.

  ‘We are already assisting the French and Italians to patrol off the coast of Libya, and that project may be expanded, so too patrols off Greece, and cooperation with other nations to stem the flow.

  ‘And it is correct to note that there are currently no wars being fought in West Africa, so if an asylum seeker claims to have fled a war zone there then we know that they’re lying, and lying on your application should come with a prison term followed by deportation.

  ‘And yes, those coming across from Calais cannot claim to be fleeing a war zone, since Calais is a quiet French town with a distinct absence of tanks – and planes dropping bombs. Coming here from France is not fleeing a war zone.

  ‘The Immigration Service will be getting more money and more staff, staff that are hopefully not counting down the days to retirement, and they’ll benefit from tougher laws, new rules, and a great many new detention centres.’ He sat to loud approval.