He had gotten quite excited and had gotten to his feet. He was hopping about and rubbing his hands. He was babbling in his enthusiasm, saying, “The Russian, whoever he was, deliberately experimented in the middle of Siberia to avoid damage and he was undoubtedly killed in the explosion. Nowadays, though, we have ways of conducting experiments with radio signals at long distances.”

  “Dander,” I said, quite shocked. “Surely, you don’t intend to conduct dangerous experiments.”

  “Oh, don’t I, though?” he said, and an expression of pure evil came over his face. That’s when the madness truly began to show. Remember that I told you he was a mad scientist.

  “I will show them,” he shrieked. “I will show them all. They will see whether energy can be obtained from a vacuum or not. I shall create an explosion that will shake Earth to its foundations. Laugh at me, will they?”

  Then he suddenly turned on me. “Get out, you! Get out! I know very well you are trying to steal my ideas, but you won’t. I will cut your heart out and mince it to mush.” He snatched at some sharp-edged instrument on his desk and rushed at me, continuing to babble.

  Well, old man, let it never be said of me that I did not know when I wasn’t wanted. I left with the dignity that becomes me so well—running slightly, of course.

  I never saw Dander again and he is no longer at the Flatbush CSPS.

  And that’s my story of the mad scientist.

  I stared at George’s face, with its look of bland innocence.

  I said, “When did all this happen, George?”

  “Several years ago.”

  “Of course, you have a reprint of Professor Dander’s paper?”

  “No, old man, as a matter of fact, I haven’t.”

  “A reference, perhaps, to the journal in which it was published.”

  “I haven’t the faintest idea, old man. I don’t interest myself in such trivia.”

  “I don’t believe you for a minute, George. When you tell me that this mad scientist of yours is somewhere attempting to arrange a huge collision of matter and antimatter, I tell you it’s all nonsense.”

  “For your own peace of mind,” said George, calmly, “you had better continue to think so. Nevertheless, somewhere in this world, Dander is busily working. From his last incoherent remarks, I gather he was planning to create a Tunguska event, long distance, over the lower Potomac. He pointed out that next to the middle of Siberia, or possibly the Gobi desert, Washington, D.C. was the most dispensable place on Earth. Of course, its destruction will convince what’s left of the government that the Soviets have struck and they will retaliate at once so that the resulting thermonuclear war will destroy the Earth. —I wonder, therefore, if you could lend me fifty dollars till the first of the month, old sport?”

  “Why should I?”

  “Because if Dander succeeds, money will have lost all value and you will have lost nothing. Or to put it another way, you will have lost everything, so what’s another fifty?”

  “Yes, but what if Dander doesn’t succeed?”

  “In that case, in your relief at knowing that all humanity will survive, will you be so small-minded as to cavil at a mere fifty dollars?”

  I gave him the fifty.

  THE FABLE OF THE THREE PRINCES

  THERE WAS A KING ONCE NAMED Hilderic who ruled over a very small kingdom known as Micrometrica. It was not a rich kingdom or a powerful one, but it was a happy one, because Hilderic was a good sort of king who loved his people and was loved by them.

  Because Micrometrica was so small and poor, Hilderic did not try to conquer other kingdoms, and because it was so small and poor other kingdoms did not think it worthwhile to conquer it. As a result, all was peaceful and pleasant in Micrometrica.

  Of course, King Hilderic didn’t like to be poor. The palace was quite small, and he had to help in the garden while his wife, Queen Ermentrude, had to help in the kitchen. This made them both unhappy, but they did have an ample supply of one thing—sons.

  One day, it so happened, the queen had had a child for the first time. All the kingdom would have been extremely happy, except that she overdid it. She had triplets. Three boys.

  “Dear, dear,” said King Hilderic, thoughtfully. “With triplets, how will we ever decide which one shall succeed to the throne?”

  “Perhaps,” said Queen Ermentrude, who looked at the three new babies with love and pride, “we can allow all three to rule when the time comes.”

  But King Hilderic shook his head. “I don’t think so, my love. The kingdom is scarcely large enough for one ruler. All the other kingdoms will laugh if it has three. Besides, what if the three should disagree? Our people would be so unhappy with quarreling monarchs.”

  “Well,” said the queen, “we’ll decide when they grow up.”

  The three babies grew up tall and strong and handsome, and the royal parents loved them all equally. They saw to it that all three boys studied hard, so that each one might be perfectly fit to be a king when the time came.

  Though all did very well in their studies, it soon became clear that the sons were not identical triplets. Their appearances and tastes were different.

  One of the three princes was larger and stronger than either of the other two. He came to be called Primus, which, in the ancient, sacred language of the kingdom, meant “number one.”

  When he was not at his studies, Prince Primus exercised and developed his muscles. He could lift heavy weights, bend thick iron bars, and crack a coconut in his bare hands.

  Everyone in the kingdom admired his strength and thought they would feel safe if only he were the king when the time came for it.

  Another son was not quite as tall or as strong as Prince Primus, and so he came to be called Secundus, which, in that same ancient, sacred language meant “number two.”

  His muscles didn’t bulge as those of Prince Primus did, but when he was not at his studies, he practiced with weapons of war. Prince Secundus could throw his spear farther and shoot an arrow straighter than anyone in the kingdom. No one could stand against him in a sword fight, and he rode a horse to perfection.

  Everyone in the kingdom admired his skill and thought they would feel safe if he were the king, too.

  The remaining son was reasonably tall and strong, but he was not quite as tall and strong as his two brothers, so he was named Tertius, which meant “number three.”

  Prince Tertius was even better at his studies than his two brothers, but he was not interested in lifting weights or throwing spears. When he was not studying, he wrote love poems and would sing them in a very pleasant voice. He also read a great many books.

  The young ladies of the kingdom thought the poetry of Prince Tertius was beautiful. Everyone else, however, wasn’t sure it would be safe to have a poet as king. They were glad there were two stronger princes to choose from.

  The three princes were quite friendly with each other, fortunately, and as they grew older, they decided that they would not fight or quarrel over who was to be the king someday. In fact, they loved their father and wanted him to stay king for many years.

  “Still,” said Prince Primus, “Our Royal Father is getting old, and we must come to some decision. Since we are all the same age there’s no use trying to select the oldest. However, I am the largest and strongest. There’s that to consider.”

  “Yes,” said Prince Secundus, “but I am the most skilled warrior. I don’t want to make a fuss about that, but it is important.”

  “I think,” said Prince Tertius, “we ought to let Dad and Mom make the decision.”

  Prince Primus frowned. “I don’t think you ought to call Our Royal Parents ‘Dad and Mom.’”

  “But that’s who they are,” said Prince Tertius.

  “That is not the point,” said Prince Secundus. “There is their dignity to think of. If I were king someday, I should certainly expect you to refer to me as ‘My Royal Brother.’ I should be very hurt if you were to call me ‘buddy’ or ‘pal.’”

  “That is very true,” said Prince Primus. “If I were king, I would despise being called ‘Primey.’”

  “In that case,” said Tertius, who never liked to quarrel, “why don’t we ask Our Royal Parents what we ought to do? After all, they are the monarchs, and we should obey their wishes.”

  “Very well,” said the other two, and all three rushed to the royal throne room.

  King Hilderic thought about it. Being a good king, he wanted to do what was best for his little country. He wasn’t at all sure that the country would be well off under a very strong king, or a very warlike king, or even a very poetic king.

  What the country needed, he thought, was a very rich king, one who could spend money to make the country happier and more prosperous.

  Finally, he sighed, and said, “There’s no way I can choose among you. I will have to send you on a hard and dangerous quest to get money—a great deal of money. I don’t want to make it seem that money is so terribly important, but, you know, we do need it quite badly. Therefore the one who brings back the most money will be king.”

  Queen Ermentrude looked very disturbed. “But, Father—” (She never called him “Your Majesty” unless courtiers were about, and the kingdom was so poor there weren’t many of those.) “But, Father,” she said, “what if our dear princes should be hurt in the course of the quest?”

  “We can only hope they won’t be hurt, Mother, but we need money, you see, and Emperor Maximian of Allemania has a great deal of money. He is probably the richest monarch in the world.”

  Prince Primus said, “That may be so, My Royal Father, but the emperor won’t give us money just because we ask for it.”

  Prince Secundus said, “In fact, no one will give us money just because we ask for it.”

  Prince Tertius said, “I don’t think princes ought to ask for money in any case.”

  “Well, my princes,” said the King, “it is not a matter of asking for money. The emperor Maximian, it seems, has a daughter named Meliversa. She is an only child.”

  He put on a large pair of spectacles and pulled a stiff sheet of parchment from a drawer in the royal desk.

  He said, “I received this notice by courier two days ago, and I have been studying it ever since. It has been distributed to all the kings in the world, and it is really very kind of the emperor to remember me, since I am king of so small and poor a country.”

  He cleared his throat. “It says here,” he said, glancing over the parchment very carefully, “that the imperial princess is as beautiful as the day; tall, slender, and very well educated.”

  Prince Primus said, “It’s a little troublesome to have a princess well educated. She may talk too much.”

  “But we needn’t listen to her,” said Prince Secundus.

  Prince Tertius said, “But, My Royal Father, what has the imperial princess got to do with the matter of obtaining money?”

  “Well, my young princes,” said the King, “anyone who is a royal prince, and who can prove he is one by presenting his birth certificate, will be allowed to demonstrate his abilities. If these should please the imperial princess Meliversa so that she wishes to marry the prince, he will be named successor to the throne and given a large allowance. Then, eventually, he will become emperor. If it is one of you, why then he will also become king of this country in time; and with the wealth of the empire to dispose of, he will make Micrometrica very prosperous.”

  Prince Primus said, “The princess Meliversa could never resist my muscles, My Royal Father.”

  Prince Secundus said, “Or my horsemanship, if it comes to that.”

  Prince Tertius said, “I wonder if she likes poetry …”

  King Hilderic said, “There is one catch, though. I have educated you boys in economics, sociology, and other subjects a king must know. Meliversa, however, has been educated in sorcery. If any prince tries to win her heart and fails, she will turn him into a statue. She says she needs a great many statues for the promenade in her park.”

  Queen Ermentrude said, “I knew it,” and began to weep.

  “Don’t weep, My Royal Mother,” said Prince Tertius, who loved her dearly. “I’m sure it isn’t legal to turn princes into statues.”

  “Not ordinarily,” said the king, “but it is part of the agreement. Besides, it is difficult to argue law with an imperial princess. So if you princes don’t want to take the chance, I certainly won’t blame you … It’s just that we need money so badly.”

  Prince Primus said, “I am not afraid. She will never be able to resist me.”

  “Or me,” said Prince Secundus.

  Prince Tertius looked thoughtful and said nothing.

  The three princes made ready at once for the long journey. Their clothing was rather faded and out of fashion, and their horses were old, but that was all they could manage.

  “Farewell, My Royal Parents,” said Prince Primus. “I shall not fail you.”

  “I hope not,” said King Hilderic doubtfully, while Queen Ermentrude wept quietly in the background.

  “I shall not fail you either, My Royal Parents,” said Prince Secundus.

  Prince Tertius waited for the other two to start on the way, and then he said, “Good-bye, Mom and Dad. I will do my best.”

  “Good-bye, son,” said King Hilderic, who had a lump in his throat.

  Queen Ermentrude hugged Prince Tertius, who then galloped after his two brothers.

  It took the three princes a long time to reach the chief city of the empire. Their horses were very tired by then, and their clothes were quite worn out. They had also used up their money and had had to borrow from the treasurers of the kingdoms through which they passed.

  “So far,” said Prince Tertius sadly, “we’ve piled up a considerable debt, which makes our kingdom worse off than ever.”

  “After I’ve won the princess,” said Prince Primus, “I will pay the debt three times over.”

  “I will pay it five times over,” said Prince Secundus.

  Prince Tertius said, “That’s if one of us wins.”

  “How can we lose?” asked Princes Primus and Secundus together.

  And indeed, when they arrived in the capital, they were greeted with kindness. They were given fresh horses and beautiful new clothing of the richest description, and were shown to a lavish suite in the largest and most beautiful palace they had ever imagined. Many servants were at their call, and all served them with the greatest politeness.

  The three princes were very pleased with their treatment.

  Prince Primus said, “The emperor must know what a wonderful family we come from. Our ancestors have been kings for many generations.”

  “Yes,” said Prince Tertius, “but they have all been poor kings. I wonder if the emperor Maximian knows that.”

  “He must,” said Prince Secundus. “Emperors know everything. Otherwise, how could they be emperors?”

  The second assistant serving maid was at that moment bringing in fresh towels so that the princes might take their baths in preparation for a great feast that night.

  Prince Primus said at once, “You! Serving maid!”

  The serving maid trembled at being addressed by a prince, and curtsied very low. “Yes, Your Highness.”

  “Is the emperor a wise emperor?”

  The serving maid said, “Oh, Your Highness, the entire empire marvels at his wisdom.”

  Prince Secundus said, “Would he care whether the princes who visit him are rich or poor?”

  “Oh, no, Your Highness,” said the serving maid. “He is so wealthy that money means nothing to him. He is concerned only with the happiness of his daughter. If she asks to marry a certain prince, that prince will become heir to the kingdom even if he doesn’t possess a single penny.”

  Prince Primus and Prince Secundus smiled and nodded to each other as though to say: We knew it all along.

  Prince Tertius smiled at the serving maid and said, “And what about the princess, my dear? Is she as pretty as you are?”

  The serving maid turned very pink and her mouth fell open. She seemed quite unable to speak.

  Prince Primus said to his brother in a low voice, “Don’t call her ‘my dear.’ It unsettles servants to be addressed so by a prince.”

  Prince Secundus said to his brother in an even lower voice, “How can a serving maid be pretty? A serving maid is just a serving maid.”

  Prince Tertius said, “Just the same, I would like an answer to my question.”

  The serving maid, who was really quite pretty even though she was a serving maid (but most princes wouldn’t have noticed that), said, “Your Royal Highness must be joking. The princess is taller than I am and far more beautiful. She is as beautiful as the sun.”

  “Ah,” said Prince Primus. “A rich princess who is as beautiful as the sun is someone to be interested in.”

  Prince Secundus said, “It would be quite a pleasure to have a rich princess like that about one’s palace.”

  Prince Tertius said, “She might be too bright to look at, if she is as beautiful as the sun.”

  The serving maid said, “But she is haughty.”

  Prince Primus said, at once, “A serving maid may not speak unless she is spoken to.”

  Prince Secundus said, severely, “This comes of saying ‘my dear’ to serving maids.”

  But Prince Tertius said, “Is she very haughty, my dear?”

  “Very haughty, Your Highness,” said the serving maid, trembling at the haughty stares of the other two brothers. “There have been a number of princes who have already applied for her hand, but she would have none of them.”

  “Of course not,” said Prince Primus. “They were probably pipsqueaks who couldn’t bend an iron bar an inch. Why should she be interested in them?”

  “Probably,” said Prince Secundus, “they couldn’t even lift a sword, let alone fight with one. She wouldn’t be interested in them.”

  “Perhaps,” said Prince Tertius, “we ought to ask the serving maid what became of the princes who didn’t please the princess.”

  The serving maid’s eyes dropped, and she said sadly, “They were all turned into statues, Your Highness. Handsome statues, for they were all young and handsome princes.”