JOAN

  Area 57 – New Mexico

  Tom hurried to Joan, went in for a hug, then stopped.

  “I don’t want to hurt you.”

  She reached for him. “It’s okay. Love hurts sometimes.”

  They embraced.

  It does hurt. But it’s wonderful.

  “How badly you hurt?”

  “It’s mostly superficial.”

  “I know I’ve been distant lately. But that stops now. I love you, Joan.”

  “I love you too, babe.”

  “What happened with Leo and Catherine?”

  “That’s not Catherine. That’s a clone of Bloody Mary Tudor, Queen of England. She murdered Catherine ten years ago.”

  “I told you she seemed different.”

  “She was. They tried to kill us. Tom. They wanted to burn me.”

  Tom glanced at Mary, still on the ground, bleeding. “You kicked her ass. I knew you would. That’s why I went to save Sara, not you.”

  Joan held him at arm’s length, searching his eyes. “What are you talking about?”

  “Van was a serial killer. He drugged all of Team Two. When I got out of Esbat, I saw you fighting with Joan, and I saw Van sneaking up on Sara.”

  “And you went to save her, and not me?”

  “Of course.” Tom smiled the kindest smile anyone had ever smiled in the entire history of smiling. “You don’t need me to save you. You’re the most amazing person to ever live. You’re Joan of fucking Arc.”

  Joan blinked back tears. “You knew I could take care of myself.”

  “Of course. You’re strong enough to take care of both of us.” Tom moved his hand to her belly. “Strong enough to take care of all three of us.”

  How did he know that’s the most perfect thing he could possibly say?

  “Gun!” Abe squealed like a teen girl in a horror movie. “She’s got a gun!”

  Joan turned in time to see a knife thunk into Mary’s throat.

  Mary had managed to get to the SUV and grab a machinegun.

  Fabler had other ideas, and had thrown Leo’s knife with unbelievable speed, skill, and lethality.

  Joan’s longtime rival, Catherine’s murderer, and all-around bitch Bloody Mary Tudor dropped the firearm and fell over, dead.

  “I shit myself again,” Abe shared. “Is someone going to untie me?”

  No one wanted to untie him.

  “Torble was at Esbat,” Tom said.

  She searched his eyes. “You okay?”

  “I am. Now. You okay?”

  “I am. Now.”

  “I forgot how fighting for your life makes things clear.”

  “I forgot that, too. But that won’t happen again.”

  “No, it won’t. I love you so much, Joan of Arc.”

  “And I love you, Thomas Jefferson.”

  I love him so much. And I love my life. And I know I’ll love this child we’re having.

  Joan tilted her head up and pulled Tom down for a kiss.

  Amor fati.

  I freaking love my fate.

  HARRY

  Two Hundred and Thirty-Six Meters North of Area 57 – New Mexico

  “Is it the end already? Have all the loose ends been wrapped up?”

  “Who are you talking to?” Jack asked.

  She and Phin sat across from me on the Tony Mafia bus. We’d parked in the desert, because Tony the Spotter had spotted Leo, jogging by himself in the middle of nowhere. Bus Driver Tony pulled over, and 47 gun-toting Tonys piled out of the bus to kick Leo’s ass.

  Leo had it coming. Still, it was a tough thing to watch. That’s why I didn’t.

  Instead, I set up my phone to record the whole thing to later post on social media.

  Charles, who turned out to be the mastermind of the entire Esbat operation (I knew it was Charles in Charge!), was cuffed and ball-gagged, sitting in the back of the bus.

  I always travel with cuffs and ball gags. Don’t you?

  “I feel I didn’t bring anything to the party,” Phin opined. “Like I was only here to make a token cameo appearance.”

  I reached across the aisle and patted his shoulder. “Welcome to my life, brother. Seems like all I do are cameos. You guys ever read Melinda DuChamp? Erotica. I’m even in some of those. Just comedy bits, though. None of the explicit sex scenes. Which is unfortunate.”

  “Well, I’m happy we got through this without any huge shocks or surprises,” Jack said. “Seems like every time we get together, it always ends in nightmares.”

  And that’s when the back half of the bus was torn off and Satan appeared, bloody and mangled and snarling and spreading his giant black wings behind him like a parachute and bellowing, “Chaaaaaaaaaaaaarles!”

  He snatched up Charles and flew away before any of us could even draw our guns.

  “I want to go home,” Jack said. “Right now.”

  The bus was trashed, so we had to call twenty-five Ubers to pick everybody up.

  So how did all of this finally end? As I said earlier, in a bloodbath. An epic bloodbath of Shakespearean proportions, without all of those weird Olde English words that no one understands. Like cock-a-hoop. What the hell does that mean?

  Actually, I kinda like that one. It’s from Romeo & Juliet. You remember, the classic romantic play with the star-crossed lovers who were only twelve years old because back then everyone was a pervert. Especially Shakespeare.

  But iambic getting off track. Heh heh.

  Here’s the denouement for all the starring players.

  Tom and Joan? Pregnant and happy.

  Joan’s wounds healed, no damage to the baby. She became the number one female producer in La-La Land. Her latest pic got an Oscar nom. She’s excited to be a mother and take some time off, and amor fati is working well for her.

  Tom’s wounds healed. He stopped relying on pot to deal with his fears, and instead takes prescription medication, which we all know is much better because Big Pharma has our best interests at heart. He and Roy are back to their charter business, which has more customers than ever thanks to the dickhat meme seen by over 400 million people.

  Yeah, that picture of Tom with Abe’s junk on his head went viral. Merch sales were through the roof. I have two T-shirts and a coffee mug with the caption, WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU DICKS, MAKE A HAT. The board game is coming out soon. I also hear there may be a Netflix movie, because Netflix buys everything. So now, wherever Tom goes, people point and yell, “Yo! Dickhat!”

  Life is awesome.

  Ziggy? Exploded head. No way to come back from that.

  Nick? Living near his daughter, working on selling his wireless energy patent. He’s going to change the world for the better, and get stupid rich doing it. I can even foresee a day when a Tesla Cloud encircles the planet, providing energy to all.

  That’s a Timecaster shout-out. I’m in that one, too.

  Tork? Also headless. So he’s looking to get ahead. Heh heh.

  Gus? Torn in half. He would have been in the sequel, but he had to split.

  Yeah, I know you groaned there. I won’t apologize.

  Van? Pick your favorite moral to cap off that putrid little fairytale. What comes around goes around? Karma’s a bitch? Beethoven is overrated? Content creators aren’t essential? Don’t be an asshole?

  Everyone he drugged recovered with only mild headaches. His mother eventually found the dead squirrels in the crawlspace and now her home smells great, just like the homes of all elderly people.

  Charles and Bub? At large. They will be back again, for sure.

  Catherine-slash-Mary? Dead. They forgot to include her in the In Memoriam segment at the Oscars. If there’s a hell, she’s pissed off.

  Also dead, over thirty Esbat security guards. They were dicks, so don’t feel bad.

  It was all covered up, of course. Area 57 was swept under the rug the same way Area 51 was. And Area 52, Area 53, Area 54, Area 55, and Area 56.

  The US government has a lot of secrets. They also lie. A lot. But that doesn’t mean you have to become one of those flat earthers who doesn’t believe the moon landing was real. Come on, people, read some science books.

  Leo, fate unknown. After a tremendous pummeling, the Tony Mafia left him for dead, but his body wasn’t found. Maybe the vultures got him, if New Mexico has vultures. Or maybe—

  —HE’S RIGHT BEHIND YOU!

  Kidding. He’s not right behind you. He doesn’t even know who you are.

  But he does know who Fabler is. And that might come back to bite Fabler in his ass.

  As for Fabler, he went back to Kansas. His promise to Lori to take time off didn’t work out as he’d planned, probably because he’d been infected with an artificial intelligence named Mu when that fly bit him, because it wasn’t a real fly. If you read What Happened to Lori, you would have figured that out on your own.

  Grim and Presley? Also back in Kansas, with Sinatra. I keep trying to invite myself over to ride their sloth, but so far my sweet talking hasn’t worked.

  Jack and Phin? Back in Colorado, dealing with some new psychopath drama. I’ll be there to help, of course. The three of us are BFFs, if you haven’t heard.

  SoJo? She stopped working for politicians and became one. Ran for mayor and won. Plans to use it as a starting point for bigger things. She’s got my vote.

  Stosh and Abagail? The dodo got bored with her, and they had her for Thanksgiving dinner.

  Kidding! They’re doing fine.

  Talon? His third album, Flipping the Bird, just dropped. Buy it, or listen to the sick cuts on your favorite music streaming service.

  Abe? He owed me half a million dollars, which is what I had to pay the Tony Mafia because the XG5 Volcano Reactor wouldn’t cover his debt, even though it kept coffee at a perfect one hundred and sixty-two degrees.

  You might consider me foolish to loan a knucklehead like that five hundred K, but Abe paid me back. And then some. The movie we made, Lincoln’s Log, swept every category at the Adult Video Achievement Awards. Abe won Best Actor, Best Male Performer in a Reverse Harem Gang Bang, and Best Butt Virgin Performance.

  He shared that last award with me. Besides tapping his presidential clone ass, I also won Best Director.

  What can I say? I have an eye for adult melodrama. And porn.

  That vid made a fortune. We’re in negotiations for the follow-up, Abe’s Babes.

  Also, semi-related, after cutting that check I became an honorary member of the Tony Mafia, for being a stand-up guy. My name?

  Cameo Tony.

  I’d tell you more, but my scene is almost over.

  Frank and Sara? Still hunting Bub. I’m sure I’ll make some sort of appearance in that adventure. As I said to Phin, it seems like all I do are cameos.

  Is that everyone?

  I think so, except for Weejy and Bert. But I’ll let them end their own story…

  BERT

  Twenty-six Kilometers West of Albuquerque, New Mexico

  “The bed is pretty creaky,” Bert admitted.

  Weejy laughed and snuggled up next to him. Bert liked how her hair fell on his bare chest.

  I like everything about this woman.

  I love everything about this woman.

  “Movie?” he asked.

  “Sure. SoJo wanted me to see Die Hard.”

  “You’ve never seen Die Hard?”

  “I’m not huge into movies. I prefer books.”

  “Die Hard is based on a book. It’s a sequel to another book, which was also made into a movie, over twenty years earlier. The Bruce Willis character was played by Frank Sinatra. The books, and movies, were totally different.”

  “I hate that, when a sequel is different.”

  “Yeah. It’s irritating.”

  Bert’s cell rang, and he checked the caller and picked up. “Hey, Frank. Weejy is here. Can I put you on speaker?”

  “Of course. This this this involves her, too.”

  “Hi, Frank!”

  “Hello, Weejy. Sorry we we we haven’t been in touch lately. Sara and I have been pretty busy.”

  “When are you guys coming to visit? Stosh misses you.”

  “I’m actually calling to invite you both to to to Kansas.”

  Bert’s heart sank.

  We know who lives in Kansas. This can’t be good.

  “What’s going on, Frank?” he asked.

  “Fabler found a way to track Bub. We’re getting the gang back back back together. Going to finally finish this thing.”

  Weejy’s eyes got wide.

  I know she still blames herself for letting Bub out of Esbat, even though it wasn’t her or SoJo’s fault. Charles was going to bring Bub out, sooner or later. It was inevitable.

  Still, Weejy wants to make things right.

  “I’ll do anything I can to help,” Weejy confirmed. “What about you, hon?”

  I finally have everything I’ve ever wanted. Why would I risk that?

  Bub is a dangerous monster. We have no idea what he’s capable of.

  Fabler, and even Frank, have training. I’m just an ostrich rancher who collects antique fishing lures.

  This is the worst idea ever.

  But…

  Truth be told, I’m not a big fan of loose ends.

  And there’s no way I would want Weejy to do this without me.

  Bert sighed, resigning himself to the inevitable.

  “I guess we’re going demon hunting.”

  THE END

  Jack, Phin, and Harry’s adventure continues in OLD FASHIONED

  Join the hunt for Bub in SECOND COMING

  See how everything wraps up in TIMECASTER STEAMPUNK

  JOE KONRATH’S

  COMPLETE BIBLIOGRAPHY

  JACQUELINE “JACK” DANIELS THRILLERS

  WHISKEY SOUR (Book 1)

  BLOODY MARY (Book 2)

  RUSTY NAIL (Book 3)

  DIRTY MARTINI (Book 4)

  FUZZY NAVEL (Book 5)

  CHERRY BOMB (Book 6)

  SHAKEN (Book 7)

  STIRRED (WITH BLAKE CROUCH) (Book 8)

  RUM RUNNER (Book 9)

  LAST CALL (Book 10)

  WHITE RUSSIAN (Book 11)

  SHOT GIRL (Book 12)

  CHASER (PREORDER) (Book 13)

  OLD FASHIONED (Book 14)

  BONUS LADY 52 (WITH JUDE HARDIN) (Book 2.5)

  JACK DANIELS AND ASSOCIATES MYSTERIES

  DEAD ON MY FEET (Book 1)

  JACK DANIELS STORIES VOL. 1 (Book 2)

  SHOT OF TEQUILA (Book 3)

  JACK DANIELS STORIES VOL. 2 (Book 4)

  DYING BREATH (Book 5)

  SERIAL KILLERS UNCUT (WITH BLAKE CROUCH) (Book 6)

  JACK DANIELS STORIES VOL. 3 (Book 7)

  EVERYBODY DIES (Book 8)

  JACK DANIELS STORIES VOL. 4 (Book 9)

  BANANA HAMMOCK (Book 10)

  KONRATH DARK THRILLER COLLECTIVE

  THE LIST (Book 1)

  ORIGIN (Book 2)

  AFRAID (Book 3)

  TRAPPED (Book 4)

  ENDURANCE (Book 5)

  HAUNTED HOUSE (Book 6)

  WEBCAM (Book 7)

  DISTURB (Book 8)

  WHAT HAPPENED TO LORI (Book 9)

  THE NINE (Book 10)

  CLOSE YOUR EYES (Book 11)

  SECOND COMING (Book 12)

  BONUS HOLES IN THE GROUND (WITH IAIN ROB WRIGHT) (Book 4.5)

  BONUS DRACULAS (WITH BLAKE CROUCH, JEFF STRAND, F. PAUL WILSON) (Book 5.5)

  BONUS GRANDMA? (WITH TALON KONRATH) (Book 6.5)

  STOP A MURDER PUZZLE BOOKS

  STOP A MURDER – HOW: PUZZLES 1 – 12 (Book 1)

  STOP A MURDER – WHERE: PUZZLES 13 – 24 (Book 2)

  STOP A MURDER – WHY: PUZZLES 25 – 36 (Book 3)

  STOP A MURDER – WHO: PUZZLES 37 – 48 (Book 4)

  STOP A MURDER – WHEN: PUZZLES 49 – 60 (Book 5)

  STOP A MURDER – ANSWERS (Book 6)

  STOP A MURDER COMPLETE CASES (Books 1-5)

  CODENAME: CHANDLER SERIES

  (CO-WRITTEN WITH ANN VOSS PETERSON)

  FLEE (Book 1)

  SPREE (Book 2)

  THREE (Book 3)

  HIT (Book 4)

  EXPOSED (Book 5)

  NAUGHTY (Book 6)

  FIX (WITH F. PAUL WILSON) (Book 7)

  RESCUE (Book 8)

  TIMECASTER SERIES

  TIMECASTER (Book 1)

  TIMECASTER SUPERSYMMETRY (Book 2)

  TIMECASTER STEAMPUNK (Book 3)

  EROTICA

  (WRITING AS MELINDA DUCHAMP)

  Make Me Blush series

  MISTER KINK (Book 1)

  FIFTY SHADES OF WITCH (Book 2)

  SIX AND CANDY (Book 3)

  Alice series

  FIFTY SHADES OF ALICE IN WONDERLAND (Book 1)

  FIFTY SHADES OF ALICE THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS (Book 2)

  FIFTY SHADES OF ALICE AT THE HELLFIRE CLUB (Book 3)

  Jezebel series

  FIFTY SHADES OF JEZEBEL AND THE BEANSTALK (Book 1)

  FIFTY SHADES OF PUSS IN BOOTS (Book 2)

  FIFTY SHADES OF GOLDILOCKS (Book 3)

  Sexperts series

  THE SEXPERTS – FIFTY GRADES OF SHAY (Book 1)

  THE SEXPERTS – THE GIRL WITH THE PEARL NECKLACE (Book 2)

  THE SEXPERTS – LOVING THE ALIEN (Book 3)

  MISCELLANEOUS

  65 PROOF – COLLECTED SHORT STORIES

  THE GLOBS OF USE-A-LOT 3 (WITH DAN MADERAK)

  A NEWBIES GUIDE TO PUBLISHING

  WHAT HAPPENED TO LORI

  Three people.

  Each has a secret.

  Each has an agenda.

  All three are liars.

  One of them committed a terrible crime.

  One of them is on the run.

  More than one of them is a killer.

  These three people are about to find out what happened to Lori.

  And they’re going to wish they never did…

  WHAT HAPPENED TO LORI – THE COMPLETE EPIC

  Is she dead? Or is it much worse?

  ORIGIN