IS THAT A LUTE IN YOUR POCKET?

  ©2022 J PAL

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  Print and eBook formatting by Steve Beaulieu. Artwork provided by Fernando Granea.

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  also in series

  IS THAT A LUTE IN YOUR POCKET

  GNOMES DON’T RULE

  contents

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  Chapter 22

  Chapter 23

  Chapter 24

  Chapter 25

  Chapter 26

  Chapter 27

  Chapter 28

  Chapter 29

  Chapter 30

  Chapter 31

  Chapter 32

  Chapter 33

  Chapter 34

  Chapter 35

  Chapter 36

  Chapter 37

  Chapter 38

  Chapter 39

  Chapter 40

  Chapter 41

  Chapter 42

  Thank you for reading Is that a Lute in Your Pocket?

  Groups

  LitRPG

  one

  Wind and snow battered the cliffside, but it didn’t deter the climbers. Their long-armed leader scaled it without issue. Unlike his followers below him, he didn’t wear furs or armor. Only a thin, dark cloak fluttered around his slender frame. Its blackness appeared to be a gateway into the void of space as it absorbed all surrounding light, appearing darker than any natural shade.

  The lead climber didn’t carry any visible weapons either. If not for the ropes connecting him to his followers, eyes would fail to spot him altogether. When the climber glanced down at his companions, it became apparent he wasn’t human. Instead, his face carried feline features and had the same coloration as a leopard’s.

  A lone figure stood far above them at the cliff’s edge. Tribal tattoos covered his exposed arms and chest while a maned canine skull adorned his head. Green light glowed from the eye holes and the light spread to his tattoos. His lips moved, but the blizzard drowned out his words. Then as emerald wisps blossomed out of the figure’s bone staff, the wind carried his chant.

  “Yes!” the receptionist exclaimed, but I didn’t spare her a glance. It wasn’t that I intended to ignore her, but my body refused to look away from the wall-sized screen across the room. “Greta! Get in here. The damned goblin shaman is finally going to fall!”

  Another voice joined the conversation but I tuned them out, enchanted by the wisps.

  The ethereal lights coalesced behind the goblin, forming hulking bipedal forms as tall as elephants. They scooped up the rising snow in their massive hands, tightening them into spheres before rolling them over the edge. The first took out a climber, while the second downed two more. As the rope went taut and the rest started falling, their leader conjured a dagger out of his cloak’s shadow and severed the cord. It saved him from certain doom.

  Instead of taking one handhold at a time, he leapt up the cliffside, zigzagging and avoiding the falling snowballs. By the time he reached the top, all the climber’s followers had disappeared into the darkness below.

  The goblin’s eyes widened when his opponent fell into a crouch and disappeared into the stormy night. The ethereal giants rushed to his side, shaking the ground with every lumbering step. They formed a barrier around him as his chanting intensified. Then, a blur twice the goblin’s size shot by him, making him stagger. Blood poured from his side, and the giants huddled closer around him. However, the chanting didn’t stop.

  The lights wavered as the blur bounced off one of the giants, making it fall. It didn’t faze the goblin. Instead, a smile spread across his libs, exposing a mouthful of ugly, pointed teeth. He raised his bone staff high above his head before thrusting it into the ground. A green pulse domed from the point of impact. The snow rippled under his feet, but the giants remained unaffected.

  While the green faded, a clump of similarly colored wisps remained, clinging to a humanoid form. It paused mid-step as a black hood fell, revealing a feline face. Widened eyes darted between the giant and the goblin. Then the giants fell upon the cloaked fighter, battering him with thundering blows.

  The Champion of Shadow has fallen!

  Bone’s Champion is the victor!

  Bone ascends to level three in the Cosmic Game. He may add another Champion to the Arena Disk!

  Shadow’s loss of his final Champion removes him from the playing field! The goblin shaman may absorb a piece of the felin rogue’s cape to strengthen his staff.

  “Damn it!” the receptionist swore, smashing her fist on the table. More words appeared on the giant television, but whatever force had held my attention was now gone. I regained the power to look wherever I pleased. The receptionist piqued my curiosity as soon as my eyes landed on her. She looked mostly human. The violently pink skin and the neon-blue hair suggested she was anything but. “I had six thousand credits on the Neeko,” she said, waving a crumpled slip of paper in her third hand—unlike her regular two arms, it grew out from the back of her neck. “That’s my spawn fund halved.”

  “Why would you bet your procreation savings on a Champion of Shadow?” the second receptionist asked. She carried the same features, but instead of one arm extending from her spine, she had two. “Shadow has been on a losing streak for the past decade!”

  “Did you see the odds? I could’ve had two spawns and taken a century-long leave if Neeko pulled through. Bone’s Champion is a newbie, after all. Just because he’s the shaman of Grog’s Table doesn’t mean he’s all that—”

  “Excuse me?” I raised my voice, cutting the receptionist of mid-rant. “What are you? Where am I? And how the hell did I get here?”

  The pair fell silent, looking at me with wide blue-sclera eyes. One of them scrambled to reach under their desk, and the screen-wall went blank before blending into the white walls. The standing receptionist—Greta, I assumed—sprinted through a door behind the desk while the other hastily straightened her desk.

  “Hello?” I waved at her, getting off my seat. It was then I noticed the man seated next to me. It was Lucas. He was a friend or acquaintance, and I was currently angry with him but struggled to remember why. It didn’t matter, so I kept my attention focused on the woman. “What is this place?”

  “You’re not supposed to be awake yet,” she mumbled before clearing her throat and continuing at a higher volume. “Welcome to the Diskverse-branch headquarters! The Interdimensional Trucking Company—”

  “Answer my questions, please!” I yelled, looking around the empty waiting room, making the receptionist jump. There were only three of us present, and Lucas appeared catatonic. After looking at the extra arms and strange skin, my first instinct suggested alien abduction. However, her accent and the ambience suggested otherwise. Then again, aliens with sufficient technology could emulate whatever the hell they wanted. “Is this an abduction?”

  The receptionist didn’t answer. Instead, she bashed a button on the table to no avail, flinching away from me. Giving up on getting a response from her, I turned around and shook Lucas’s shoulders. “Snap out of it!” I exclaimed. When he didn’t respond, I slapped him across the face, which appeared to do the job. Lucas’s eyes sprung open and darted around us, looking as alarmed as I felt. “These freaks are abducting us.”

  “What?” he roared, jumping onto his feet and lifting his chair over his head.

  As a rugby player, Lucas had a much wider frame than me. At six-and-a-half feet, he
stood a foot taller than me as well. His furrowed brows and rippling muscles made for an imposing figure. His odd outfit made me pause for a second. Lucas wore boxers and a t-shirt. In contrast, I had a pair of jeans, shirt, and leather jacket on. My guitar case hung from my right shoulder too. An image of us arguing on the street popped into my head, wearing the same clothes, but I failed to recall much else.

  “Who are you?” Lucas’s voice thundered as he advanced toward the receptionist. “Nobody’s probing me today!”

  Then he froze with one foot in the air. I tried sprinting to his side, only to realize my body had gone immobile too. My tongue refused to move, and I couldn’t feel my lungs working either. However, it didn’t feel like I was suffocating. The door Greta had exited through slid open and a man walked through. He stood as tall as Lucas but had a frame as slender as mine.

  “There’s no need to panic, gentlemen,” he said, clicking his fingers. The world around us disappeared before a large office materialized between us. We smoothly transitioned from standing to seated but felt nothing. “Calm down.” His command worked. The panic I had felt moments ago dissipated and tranquility took over. His golden eyes focused on me first. “I believe you had questions for me.”

  My ability to speak returned suddenly. “Who are you? Where am I? What am I doing here—”

  “I think three questions is enough for now.” My ability to speak disappeared once again. “This is the Interdimensional Trucking Company, Diskverse branch. There are countless universes and even more inhabited worlds. I monitor where we are now. Diskverse. Often civilizations on the brink of destruction require a hero or champion. When they cast their grand spells or rituals it sends out a call, and we’re the ones who respond to it. Our agents pop into universes with overpopulated worlds, scour them for eligible candidates without many familial ties, and relocate them where they’re needed.”

  My temples throbbed, and my heart rate picked up. The man’s eyes widened as I struggled against the force holding my mouth shut and defeated it. “I had a family! I have parents, a sister, and a girlfriend—”

  I faltered on the final word. Images flashed in my mind’s eye once again of my girlfriend, Samantha, Lucas, and I arguing.

  “Well, you’re not supposed to be here,” the man said. “We sincerely apologize for what happened, but Lucas was who we wanted.” A ginger cat hopped onto the table between us and meowed. More images accompanied his appearance. I saw the cat sitting just off the curb, licking its paw while a truck sped toward it. I had broken into a run, trying to get to it, and Lucas had followed closely. “You were an unfortunate complication. Our agent—” the man nodded at the cat, “—wasn’t supposed to appear to you. Miss Boots should’ve only revealed herself to Lucas and lured him into the street. Not you. It was an accident, and I sincerely apologize for that.”

  The force keeping me silent disappeared, but I found myself at a loss for words. I glanced between the cat and Lucas as my final moments flooded back.

  It was one of those days where everything went wrong. My eight-hour shift in the restaurant turned into a twelve-hour one when we got an unexpected party booking. The arsehole of a head chef had threatened to skip me for the upcoming sous chef opening if I didn’t stay to prepare for it. As a result, I missed my slot at the open mic night in the local pub. It was the first time in three months I had an evening off where the two coincided.

  Hoping for some comfort, I had got home earlier than usual, exhausted. Instead of the affection I desired, I found horror in the form of Lucas, my supposedly best friend, in bed with my girlfriend of eight months, Samantha.

  We had argued. I had run out, leaving Samantha crying. Lucas had followed me out, apologizing. On the way out, the big oaf had tripped over a beautiful ginger kitten. While he rambled a list of excuses and reasons, I had ignored him to check on the likely injured feline. At first she had mouthed my hand and licked it. Then the kitten scratched me, ran, and then paused in the path of a speeding truck to nurse herself. I recalled chasing after her. That was where my memories ended.

  “I’m sorry, mate,” Lucas mumbled, placing a giant hand on my shoulder. “I really am. We wanted to tell you the truth for weeks but didn’t know how to start.”

  I shrugged his hand off my shoulder.

  “Send me home,” I said. “You can keep Lucas. He might not have the character you’d want in a hero, but he’s got the physique for it. I’m just a cook and a talentless musician. So let me go and I won’t say anything.”

  “You can’t just abandon me!” Lucas exclaimed. “I’m sorry. This shouldn’t have happened. Let me make it up to you.”

  “Send the steroid fiend wherever he’s needed. Lucas doesn’t have anyone who needs or wants him. He uses people, and that’s all he’s good for. No one will miss him.” My voice cracked and shook as I continued, but I ignored it. “I want to get back to my parents and sister. My salary helps pay their mortgage. I have to get back—”

  “I’m afraid sending you home isn’t within our budget.” The man sighed. “You either go wherever our client is taking Lucas, or you go to the void and become nothing. I’m sorry.”

  Whatever power the branch manager used to keep us silent stopped functioning on me as things got heated. Fortunately, he managed to keep Lucas muted and out of my hair.

  “I can’t express in words how sorry I am,” the branch manager said. “If it were just our agent, this likely wouldn’t have happened. It’s no excuse, but the client got impatient and had us use her herald. Believe me, they’ll both suffer penalties, but there’s nothing I can do to help you. Our budget is stretched as it is.”

  “Then it’s your client who owes me reparations! Who is she?” The manager tapped the sheet on his desk. Three words in big, bold letters stood out to me. “Tracy the Devourer? What kind of name is that?”

  “Not one you want to utter—”

  The air in the non-descript office crackled, making me jump. My eyes shot to a wisp of white energy by the far wall. The energy expanded, forming a long rectangle against the surface. The white dissolved the wall, revealing blackness like the felin’s cloak. The minuscule dots of orange, yellow, and blue twinkled beyond.

  “Stars.” I staggered away from the door, realizing it was the void of space that lay beyond. The proximity should’ve killed us, but no terrifying force sucked the air, furniture, and us into the void.

  “Careful with her,” the branch manager whispered. “She’s quick to anger.”

  “If I’m dead already, can she hurt me while here?”

  He shook his head, leaning closer. “You’re untouchable while in this pocket dimension. I think. If you do go to Arena Disk, she can’t hurt you either due to the council’s rules. However, Tracy might find a way to make your life more difficult. She always does.”

  I had a hundred more questions, but before I could ask them, a blinding light appeared just beyond the doorway. Due to my lack of a physical body—or so I assumed—looking at the figure didn’t hurt. Instead, I watched it and let my eyes adjust. The energy took the shape of a woman made of pure light. Strands of plasma danced off her body as she walked into the office, swaying her hips slowly. The luminosity lessened and shadows fell upon her head, showing an unnervingly human face.

  Her brows furrowed. “Why is he frozen?” she asked, flicking her finger. Time resumed for Lucas once again.

  “Please, mate. Don’t let me go into the afterlife like this—” Lucas’s mouth fell agape as he saw Tracy. The shadows didn’t just outline her face but a gorgeous naked form too. He swallowed audibly, devouring her with his eyes. “What’s going on here?”