Dear M.,

  Have you ever wanted something so badly that you did something stupid to get it?

  “Please be home. Please read my email. Please understand me,” Evan whispered desperately before shooting the email into cyberspace, hoping she’d do all three of those things before he lost his mind.

  I’m not checking my email. I’m not checking my email.

  Randi patted Lily on the head, consuming a large sandwich as she chanted the mantra in her mind. She’d already done her run for the day, gone through her yoga routine, and then meditated.

  It hadn’t helped.

  She was still fighting the urge to check her email and see if Evan had written. It was late morning, so she had no doubt he was already gone. She’d nearly broken down in tears as she’d watched the two private jets climb in the sky early this morning during her run. It had been cold and clear when she’d woken up, so she’d decided to forgo the treadmill and do a cold-weather run instead. It had felt good to be outdoors, and she’d been exhilarated until she heard the roar of jet engines flying low overhead, meaning a private jet had taken off from the small airport outside of town. Actually, two planes had taken off within minutes, and Randi knew it was Evan and Micah because Julian didn’t have a jet, and none of the other Sinclairs had plans to go anywhere.

  I knew he was leaving. It shouldn’t have hurt that badly. I wonder if he thought about me.

  Most of her anger was gone, had disappeared as she thought about all of her conversations with both S. and Evan. The initial shock had worn off once she’d determined his actions had been more careless than intentional.

  I’m not checking my email. I’m not checking my email.

  Of course, she could get on the computer. She just didn’t have any reason to log in to her email for the Center.

  Randi sighed as she dumped the rest of her sandwich in the garbage, suddenly not very hungry. She’d spent last night mostly awake and restless, trying to figure out who the real Evan Sinclair was. Granted, she’d been hurt initially, and it hurt even more that he was gone now. After almost an entire night of tossing and turning, reliving a lot of the things he’d said to her, she wondered if his motivation had really been to make her a fool. Everything they’d shared, online and offline, had felt so real.

  She walked into her foster parents’ former bedroom slowly, finally sitting down after going back and forth for what seemed like a thousand times and then leaving without turning the computer on.

  Oh, for God’s sake, just look. It doesn’t matter anymore. He’s gone.

  The desire to know if he had tried to contact her before he left was killing her. He hadn’t texted or called, so this was her one last hope.

  If he didn’t write, I can start moving on, start trying to forget. If he didn’t at least try to explain himself, he’s not worth all of the moping I’m doing right now.

  Randi flipped on the computer and proceeded to bring up her email for the Center, holding her breath.

  She felt pathetic as she waited, pinning so much hope on some kind of explanation. Maybe she should have listened to him last night, but her immediate reaction had been one of betrayal. She’d been feeling vulnerable and wounded because she’d told him she loved him and then . . . bam! The news that he’d known for quite some time that she was his mystery friend had broadsided her.

  Finally, the mailbox came up and she released a shaky breath as she saw that there was an email from him, and he was using the exact same email address that he’d always used to write to her.

  Dear M.,

  Have you ever wanted something so badly that you did something stupid to get it?

  Randi stared at the one-liner for a moment, trying to figure out why he was still using the same style and her mystery name to ask her a question. Checking the date, she noticed it had been sent less than an hour earlier. Contemplating the question, she knew it was about the two of them. What stupid thing had he done?

  Dear S.,

  She started her reply knowing she was going to play along. She wanted answers too badly not to. She didn’t want to go through the rest of her life not knowing why he hadn’t come clean with her. She continued.

  No, I don’t think I have. I’m not certain I’ve ever wanted anything badly enough that it required doing something stupid. Was it illegal?

  She shot the reply into cyberspace, hoping he was going to explain. Not expecting a reply while he was in the air, she was surprised to see an answer come back in a matter of minutes.

  M.,

  It wasn’t illegal, but it should be. I hurt you, and that is unacceptable to me. You’re the last person on earth I’d want to hurt, but I did because I was stupid. I’m so sorry, Randi.

  Tears started to flow down her cheeks as she saw his apology. Breaking all pretense, she wrote back.

  Evan,

  Why didn’t you tell me? I have to know.

  She assumed the S was short for Sinclair. He’d used a businesslike initial just like she did when she’d first started writing to him, using the first initial of her real name. They were beyond that now, and she wasn’t going to hide behind an initial that she rarely used.

  Her heated conversation with Evan the night before flowed through her memories, especially the part about the possibility that deep down inside she’d always known that S. might be Evan. Although she’d never acknowledged it, or even really thought about the possibility consciously, maybe there was a part of her that wished they could be the same man. Maybe that was one of the biggest reasons she hadn’t wanted to meet him in person—because she suspected she’d never feel the same chemistry for another man that she felt with Evan. If she’d met S. and the chemistry wasn’t there, she’d lose a friend who had come to mean a lot to her.

  Evan had mentioned that he wasn’t all that surprised when he realized she was M. Was she really all that surprised now that Evan was really her mystery man? She’d always been drawn to both of them in different ways, yet the connection was similar. Now that she put them together, it was hard not to realize that they were the same person. They’d had time to get to know each other through emails, but the connection was strong for two people who had never met face-to-face. Her physical connection with Evan in person had been immediate and intense. Both of them were powerful bonds like she’d never experienced before. So was it really so surreal that they were one and the same man? Probably . . . not.

  Did I secretly always hope that S. was really Evan? Is that why I never wanted to meet him? Did I want to keep the fantasy alive that I’d be just as attracted to him in person as I was via email?

  Now, she could answer with certainty that she did want them to be the same man. It was highly possible that she’d always wanted that, but had been afraid of disappointment when she discovered they weren’t.

  It took a few minutes, but Evan finally answered.

  Randi,

  I could easily say that I don’t know why I did it, or that I just hadn’t gotten around to telling you yet, but that wouldn’t be the truth. The truth is that I was afraid of losing you. What if you didn’t want me to be your mystery friend? What if he was more important than our physical relationship? I was trying to figure out how I’d deal with that, but I couldn’t. I guess I was a coward, and I was trying to find out how you felt about me by continuing to be S. for a while. It never occurred to me that it might hurt you. I was going to tell you before we went to the ball, but when you said you couldn’t love a man like me in your email, it nearly destroyed me. I guess I felt like there was no point in confessing after that.

  Her tears flowed faster as she read the response again through blurred vision. If it had been any other man except Evan, she might hesitate before she believed what he was saying. But this was Evan, and he was special. His brain was wired a little differently, and his experience with true relationships was almost nonexistent. She believed him.

  She typed back.

  Evan,

  Why does it matter to you what I said? We’ve always both known that our relationship couldn’t go anywhere. I have a life here, and you’re constantly traveling. I never meant to fall in love with you. It just happened. Maybe I shouldn’t have told you, but I couldn’t hold it inside me anymore. But I didn’t expect the words to matter, and I didn’t expect anything for saying them. I’ve just learned that life is too short not to tell somebody you love them if you really do.

  Randi sighed as she sent the message, her hands still shaking from the knowledge that her feelings had been that important to a man like Evan.

  He wrote back quickly.

  Randi,

  Maybe I’ve never had a woman who made me want to stay in the same place before. Perhaps I’ve been chasing goals that I’ve already achieved. I wanted to be better than my father, and it’s been my priority for years. I guess when you meet the right woman, your priorities change completely. I challenged you to make me happy. You do. You’re the only person who can. It doesn’t matter what we’re doing. If I’m with you, I’m a happy man.

  She read the message quickly, realizing that he was saying he wanted more. Although she wanted the same thing desperately, it just wasn’t possible. She started to sob as she typed back a quick reply.

  Evan,

  Being together permanently isn’t practical. I’m a prostitute’s daughter, Evan. I was a street kid. You’re a very powerful man, and people would love to get that kind of gossip to make your life miserable. I can’t do that to you, no matter how much I care.

  After she sent her reply, Randi knew she should sign off. Her emotions were drained, and she had her answer. It was more surprising than she’d ever imagined. Evan cared about her so much he had been afraid he couldn’t measure up in person to the man he’d been while she was writing to him. For such a complicated man, his emotions were simple. He had been afraid to tell, terrified of being rejected.

  Evan shot back an email moments later.

  Randi,

  Bullshit! Do you think I give a flying fuck about what other people think? Your past has made you who you are, and I love everything about you. I’d change your childhood if I could, but only because nobody was there for you except your foster parents. Contemplating all of the things that could have happened to you rips my heart out every time I think about it.

  “Evan loves me,” Randi told Lily, stroking the golden head that was currently plopped in her lap. Lily’s ears seemed to prick up as though she recognized Evan’s name, her nose twitched interestedly, and her tail thumped a couple of times before she laid her head back down.

  Randi’s heart started beating so hard and fast that it was pounding in her ears. She wrote back.

  Evan,

  We can talk next time you’re in town. Maybe we just need some time to think about this before we jump into anything stupid. Since you’re already on the way to your meeting in San Francisco, we can spend some time thinking about if we can manage to work this out.

  Randi felt like she needed to give Evan an out, an opportunity to think about who he was getting seriously involved with before he made declarations he might regret. Distance and time wouldn’t change the way she felt about him; she’d just miss him more.

  “Did you seriously think I was going anywhere? I’m going to convince you to marry me before you have a chance to think about what a jerk you’re committing yourself to—even if I have to drag your gorgeous ass up the aisle.”

  The masculine voice behind her made Randi gasp and swing around in her chair. There at the door to the bedroom was the man of her dreams, his shoulder propped against the doorframe, the cell phone he’d been using to communicate with her in his hand, and a stubborn look in his eyes. “Hello, my mystery friend,” he said in a husky, seductive voice. “I’m glad we could finally meet in person.”

  Randi’s heart melted and her tears started all over again.

  CHAPTER 22

  “What are you doing here?” Randi’s vision was blurred from crying, but her tears were of joy rather than pain. “Your meeting—”

  “Wasn’t important to me,” Evan finished for her. “Sweetheart, what do I have to do to make you understand that nothing means a damn thing without you?”

  “Will they reschedule?” She knew Evan had wanted this deal pretty badly.

  He shrugged. “I don’t know. I didn’t ask, and it doesn’t matter. All I want is to hear that you forgive me for being an asshole.”

  Randi knew Evan was serious. He’d blown off a huge deal just because he cared about her. “Your plane left. I saw it take off when I was running this morning.”

  “It was Julian. He had to get back to California, so I let him use the jet since I’m not going anywhere in the near future.”

  She swallowed hard. “You’re not?”

  “No.”

  He looked exhausted, his expression weary. He hadn’t shaved this morning, and his jawline was dark. “Are you okay?” she asked, concerned.

  “No. I got drunk for the first time last night, and I didn’t sleep. All I could think about was you and how much I love you.” He pushed upright, tossed his phone carelessly on a small table, and came slowly toward her, his eyes a stormy sea of desire, possessiveness, and intensity.

  Randi stood up as Lily circled Evan excitedly, whining for attention. Evan stroked the dog’s head, making her go into fits of ecstasy.

  “Did you say that you loved me?” Randi asked, not able to take her eyes off Evan’s face.

  “It’s either love or madness. I’m thinking it must be love that produces some type of insanity. I’ve watched Hope and all of my brothers go through the same thing. I never knew I could feel like this,” he told her in a raw, hoarse voice, finally getting close enough to wrap his arms around her.

  Coming from Evan, the declaration was enchanting and magical. He sounded tortured and relieved at the same time. Randi wrapped her arms around his neck and held him tightly, riding the wave of emotions along with him as they clutched each other like they never wanted to let go.

  “I love you, Evan, so much that it hurts,” she admitted as she sobbed into the gorgeous sweater he was wearing. He looked amazing in a pair of jeans and jade wool. It made her wish she was dressed in something nicer than jeans and an old college sweatshirt.

  She knew she was a mess, but Evan didn’t seem to care. He just held her tighter, swept her up in his arms, and carried her out to the living room. He sat on the couch and cuddled her on his lap.

  “Don’t cry. I don’t want it to hurt because you love me.” His voice was pleading and husky with emotion.

  “They’re happy tears,” she rushed to explain. “It doesn’t hurt. It feels wonderful.”

  “Then marry me, Randi. I want you to feel wonderful for the rest of your life, and I’ll give you whatever you want to make you stay that way. God knows you’ve shown me a happiness I never knew existed. I need you.”

  Tilting her head, she looked into his eyes and saw her future. “I don’t need things to make me happy, Evan. I just need you.” He didn’t realize it yet, but she needed him just as much as he needed her. Fate had brought him into her life at a time when she’d really needed to not feel so alone. Destiny had brought her something special, a man she loved—heart, body, and soul.

  “We have to talk about marriage,” Randi said cautiously. She wanted to say yes with every fiber of her being, but it was a big step for both of them.

  “No talk,” he growled. “Say yes or I’ll lose it,” he warned her dangerously.

  She straddled his lap and wrapped her arms around his neck. “What happens if I don’t?” she asked curiously.

  His hand wrapped around her nape and he jerked her head down to his mouth before she could even blink. “I fuck you senseless until you don’t have the strength to say no anymore,” he rasped, grasping her hair as he held her head so he could kiss her.

  She melted into him as his heated mouth ravaged her lips and her senses. He tasted delicious, masculine and exactly like Evan. She kissed him back, unable to resist rubbing her wet denim-clad core against his hard erection.

  Heat spiraled through her body as Evan thrust his tongue into her mouth, taking what he wanted and giving her what she so desperately needed.

  He didn’t stop ravaging her with his possessive embrace as he stood up and pinned her against the wall. “Clothes. Off,” he grunted bossily as he yanked his mouth from hers, his eyes like liquid blue flames as he met her gaze and let her feet touch the ground.

  Randi felt another flood of wet heat gush between her thighs at his dominance as he swept her sweatshirt over her head. He divested her of her bra, dropping it on the floor without a second thought. He pulled his sweater over his head and it fell on the carpet along with the growing pile of clothing. Her jeans and panties joined the collection a moment later.

  “Jesus, you’re beautiful.” Evan’s voice was reverent and raspy as he stared at her completely nude body.

  Randi knew that he meant it. It didn’t matter that she wasn’t really a big-breasted beauty who spent hours in a spa or beauty salon. To him, she was attractive, and that was all that mattered.

  To her, Evan was perfection, and she trailed her palms down his bare, muscular chest. “I’ve always thought you were the hottest guy I’d ever met.” Her voice was a needy whisper. She had to have him inside her before she started begging.

  “Always?” He lifted an arrogant brow.

  “Yes. Ever since the first time I met you at Emily’s wedding.” She cried out as he cupped her breasts, his fingers teasing her nipples relentlessly.

  “Marry me,” he insisted again.

  “Evan, we can talk about it,” she whimpered.

  “No talking. I need a yes from you.” His hands moved slowly down her belly until they reached her pussy. He stroked his fingers lightly between her folds, sliding slowly through her wet heat.