“Ouch.”

  “Yeah. I thought I could do it, when I first agreed, you know? Like, it was years ago, I’m as over it as I can be, yada yada yada.” I sigh, and then laugh. “NOPE. Not over it. The further I got into the planning, the more I started thinking about Craig. About the wedding I’d had planned. I mean, I had a whole binder of stuff. Dress ideas, centerpiece ideas, bouquet ideas, venue locations, everything. And I guess I was sort of subconsciously using all that for their wedding, and it just brought it all back up. I was dreaming about Craig. About the wedding that never happened—I saw myself with him at the altar, and then he wasted away before my eyes in time-lapse. Like he did in real life, only in a matter of seconds instead of months. I’d wake up sobbing. And the deeper into planning I got, the worse it became.”

  Audra winces in sympathy. “Shit, honey. No one blames you for quitting.”

  “Oh no, Imogen totally got it when I told her. And apparently Franco and Jesse had had a wager on when I would quit planning the wedding. Not if…when.”

  “Wow. I’ve got news for Franco. I’ll have to put a moratorium on spontaneous blowjobs for a week for that.”

  I wave a hand dismissively. “Don’t do that.” I frowned quizzically at her. “Wait, though. How many spontaneous blowjobs do you give the man?”

  She wiggles her eyebrows. “A lot. Let’s just say we don’t necessarily have sex every single day, but he definitely gets a nice O every single day. Sometimes twice in one day, if I’m feeling particularly frisky.”

  My mind boggles. “How does that even work? Like, you suck him off in the morning and then fuck him at night?”

  She nibbles on her lower lip. “He comes home for lunch most days. I’ve started scheduling free time around noon so I can go home for lunch, and he meets me in the kitchen. He makes us sandwiches, I suck his cock, he fingers me, we go our separate ways, and then we fuck while dinner is cooking. And sometimes again before we go to sleep.”

  I just blink at her. “Holy shit, Audra.”

  She shrugs. “I love the man, I love his cock, and he can make me come faster than anyone who’s ever laid hand, finger, tongue, or dick on me or in me. It’s mutually assured pleasure pretty much nonstop.” Another wiggle of her eyebrows. “Plus, this way, I know he can’t possibly want or need more than I’m giving him, which means I’m assured of his fidelity.”

  I frown. “I’m not sure giving him that much sex just to make sure he doesn’t cheat is a good thing, Audra.”

  She laughs. “Ahhhh, I’m just kidding. He loves me, and I love him. He’d never cheat on me, nor I on him—we both have serious history with unfaithful exes, so that’s a huge hot-button issue for us. I give him that much sex because I want it that much—I want him that much.” She glances at me. “You’ve never wanted anyone enough to fuck them twice a day more than just occasionally?”

  I blush. “I mean, if I was to have access to James every time I had a sexual urge, he wouldn’t be able to walk.”

  Audra snickers. “So you know exactly how it’s possible.”

  “Theoretically, yes. In practice, not so much.”

  “So…sounds as if your backstory is complete. But what actually happened?”

  “I stayed at Laurel and Ryder’s farmhouse last week. I didn’t have any extra clothes with me, so I slept in a big old T-shirt of Laurel’s.”

  Audra makes a face as if she’s trying to contain laughter. “She’s shorter than you and not as busty as you. How did you even fit in her shirt?”

  I laugh. “I didn’t. I mean, it technically covered the essential bits, but in actual practice it didn’t really, um, conceal anything very well. Like, at all. I was pretty groggy when I woke up and wasn’t even thinking when I went downstairs—I was just following my nose to coffee and food.” I pause for effect. “And guess who was sitting at the table?”

  “James.”

  “And Ryder. And Laurel’s son.”

  “And there you are, in your ridiculously well-endowed glory, all but naked.”

  “Well, not all but naked, just…not dressed for being around people. James’s eyes popped out of his skull, and I’m pretty certain he choked on his coffee.” I huff a laugh. “Nate asked if the reason his mom’s shirt didn’t fit me was because my ‘no-no’s’ we’re so much bigger than hers.”

  Audra chokes, sputtering on her tea. “Oh my fucking god—he said that?”

  I nod, cackling. “He did.”

  “He called them no-no’s?”

  “Ryder thought it was hysterical. He asked if I was having a ‘tit-uation’.” I tilt my head, thinking back. “Actually, what happened was James was trying like the devil to not stare at me and failing badly, and didn’t know what to do with himself, so he made excuses about having to go, and Ryder asked him if he was having a tit-uation.”

  Audra rolls her eyes. “Classic Ryder.” She shakes her head. “So. James bolted.”

  “Later, Laurel pointed out that he left in a hurry, and was walking kinda funny.”

  Audra shrugs. “Well, if you were dressed like you describe, I can imagine him being pretty, ummm, affected.”

  “So I talked to Laurel a bit more, and then left. And then the next day, I knew I had to tell Imogen I was passing her wedding planning off on someone else, so I went over and talked to Imogen and explained everything. And then, barely two miles from home, my car died.”

  “Oh jeez.”

  “Yeah. I mean, I’d been expecting it for quite a while. It was over twenty years old and it had two hundred thousand miles on it. So I knew it was going to die.”

  “Still, having a car die on you is never convenient.”

  “Nope. To make matters worse, it died at a green light, in the middle of the intersection, so I had to put on my flashers—if you make a boob joke, I’ll slap you—and get out and push.”

  “I think I know where this is going,” Audra says.

  “Yeah. All of the sudden, the car somehow got a lot easier to push. Whoever was helping me gets my Explorer to a parking lot out of the way. And guess who it was helping me?”

  “James?”

  “None other.” I sigh. “So, he calls his friend who has a wrecking service, gets me five hundred dollars cash for my dead-ass car, and then offers to take me home.”

  “Whose home?” Audra asks, snickering lecherously.

  I roll my eyes. “Nothing like that. So we’re on the way home and I realize I now have no car, no way to get to work, and no way to even get to a lot to buy a new one.”

  Audra laughs. “Right, because James is totally the type to just say ‘sorry, not my problem’ and leave at you home without a ride.”

  “Exactly,” I say. “So he drove me to a couple used car lots and even a new lot, but nothing really jumped out at me, so he mentioned he had a truck he wasn’t using—he’d replaced it with his current one, but hadn’t had the heart to get rid of it.”

  “That monster in the driveway is yours?” Audra asks. “I thought—I don’t know what I thought.”

  I laugh as I swallow a mouthful of tea. “Yeah, it’s mine. I went to James’s house, and he showed me the truck. He and the boys had beefed it up under the hood, put on the lift kit and light bar and all that.” I pause to drink more tea. “It had sort of turned into Renée’s favorite thing to drive, whenever James wasn’t using it for work. He had a lot of memories of her in it, and a lot of money invested in it aside from the sentiment, so he hadn’t been able to bring himself to sell it to some random dude.”

  Audra’s eyes widen. “He sold you Renée’s truck?”

  I nod. “And for, like, a fraction of what it’s worth, considering all the aftermarket upgrades on it.”

  Audra scoffs. “That thing has to have nearly twenty grand in upgrades. Those wheels and tires are hella expensive, and I know lift kits aren’t cheap, especially that high, plus the light bar, and whatever they did under the hood?”

  I nod. “Exactly. He basically gave it to me.”

  Audra shakes her head. “It’s weird, but I think you are the only woman who’s woman enough to drive a macho mobile like that and still be all woman.”

  I laugh. “James thinks it’s hot, apparently.”

  She rolls her eyes again. “Well, duh. I think you could roll in the mud and wear a paper bag over your head and James would think it’s hot.” She rolls a hand. “So, he sold you his truck, then what?”

  I shrug. “I guess I’m not explaining this very well. The process of looking at the truck, him telling me about Renée loving it, how he didn’t want to sell it to anyone but would sell it to me, and for a quarter of its value? It was intense. The whole chemistry we’d spent the past year trying to pretend didn’t exist came flaring back to life.” I sigh. “We flirted. I haven’t flirted with anyone in years, and it’s been even longer for him. But we just…couldn’t help it. Every word, every look… was steeped in tension and chemistry.”

  “And?”

  I shrug. “And nothing. That was it. Except for me calling him out for doing me a favor.”

  Audra frowns. “Of course he did you favor—he likes you, and your friends. Why wouldn’t he?”

  I sigh. “I hate favors. I explained this to him then, and again today. I grew up in a society where favors were social currency. I’ve basically lived my life in the polar opposite way to how I grew up, which means no favors. I don’t do them, and I hate accepting them even more. Favors mean being in someone’s debt, and I refuse to do that.”

  Audra nods. “I get it.”

  “But he insisted, and I needed the car, not to mention I really did fall in love with it. I love the boss feeling of driving it, of being up so high, having so much power at my disposal, the whole experience. So I took his favor.” I pause. “I just…there’s something about him. He makes it impossible to say no to him, to resist him.”

  Audra bites her lower lip. “Not saying a word on that score.”

  “Good,” I snap playfully. “Don’t.”

  “So when do I get to hear about what happened today?”

  I finish my tea and shift positions, sitting cross-legged and making sure my robe covers my hoo-ha. Not that Audra would care if I accidentally flashed her, but still.

  “So. Today, my phone rings. It’s James, checking in to make sure I still like the truck and that there’s no problems.”

  “How thoughtful of him.”

  “Right.” I roll my eyes. “He also called to say he remembered me mentioning that part of the reason I was accepting his price on the truck was because I’ve been saving cash to remodel my house.”

  Audra’s eyes narrow. “Really.” She snorts. “An excuse to see you, more like.”

  I’ve sighed so many times I feel like a skipping CD. “Yeah. So, he came over. Looked around, took some measurements, and proceeded to describe remodel ideas that go a billion percent beyond my wildest dreams for this house. Open concept, glass along the entire back of the house, a new porch, master suite, everything I could dream of and more.”

  Audra’s eyes widen. “That sounds amazing. And expensive.”

  I nod. “Exactly. And he wants to do it for cost.”

  She sputters in protest. “That’s bananas!” She shakes her head. “I mean, Jesse has basically completely remodeled Imogen’s house top to bottom for cost himself, but they’re getting married and are having a baby.”

  I nod. “I know. Exactly.” I hold my breath a moment. “It got intense. I called him out again for doing favors for me out of some chivalrous, sexist bullshit or whatever, and he got mad because it was about me, about…everything between us. He didn’t know himself, I don’t think. Finally, he admitted he just liked me.” I bite my lip. “And that was the catalyst.”

  “Oh boy.” A grin slides across Audra’s lips. “Now it gets good.”

  “He kissed me. Like…like he had to kiss me.” I tip my head back and stare at the ceiling, remembering. “God, what a kiss. It made the one in his kitchen seem tame in comparison.”

  “No shit?”

  I shake my head. “No shit.” I bite my lip again and grin at her. “And the kiss just…never stopped. It turned to…a lot more. Touching. Clothes coming off. Next thing I know, I’m naked as the day I was born and sitting on my kitchen counter and James is making me feel like…well, better than I’ve ever felt in my entire life. I’m naked, he’s naked, and things are hot and heavy and getting way, way out of control.”

  Audra sits forward. “Was it good?”

  “Good?” I stare at her incredulously. “It was beyond words. Touching him, the way he touched me? It was…everything.”

  “Except actual sex?” Audra asks. “What did you actually do?”

  “It was all just hands,” I say. “But, god…it was…it was heaven.”

  “Did you both…you know?”

  I nod, biting my lip and blushing. “So hard.”

  “You did?”

  I nod. “Explosively.”

  Her grin widens. “And he did?”

  I nod again, my grin and my blush both going furious. “Very, very explosively.” I lick my lips, gesture at my stomach. “Explosively…and all over me.”

  Audra’s eyes widen. “No! The first time you guys go past a kiss, you let him come on you?”

  I can’t restrain my cackle of embarrassed yet aroused laughter. “I know, right? It was crazy. I still can’t believe it happened. But it just…nothing has ever felt so right.” I sigh, sobering. “And yet, not. I still feel guilty, because even though I’ve had sex since Craig died, it was…purely physical, and while it was fun, it was rarely more than just fun, and thus, not…intense. It felt good, but it was essentially forgettable. The sex I had after Craig died—there was, honestly, a lot, for about two years, and then I stopped completely because I got tired of it, tired of the games, tired of feeling…I don’t know…like I was using men to try to forget Craig, which was impossible. I thought of Craig while I was messing around with James, and I felt awful.”

  Audra winces. “That’s understandable.”

  I bark a laugh. “Hold that thought, babe,” I say. “In the moment that James finished—and yes, he finished all over me, and yes, it was hot and messy and awesome—he…he said her name.”

  Audra gasps, hand clapping over her mouth. “No! He did?”

  I nod. “He said, ‘holy shit, Renée.’” I sigh, long and sad. “He immediately realized his fuckup, and was as upset about it as you would imagine. And so was I—I mean, we’d just shared this hot, incredible moment, and he forgets he’s with me? It fucking hurt.”

  Audra nods sympathetically. “Of course it did. How could it not?”

  “I mean, I understood. Especially when he told me the kiss in his kitchen was the first time he’d kissed anyone else—not just since Renée died, but anyone except her ever.”

  “Holy fuck,” Audra breathes. “Really?”

  I nod. “Really. So him and me kissing was a huge deal for him. First kiss after she died, and first kiss with anyone not his wife, who he knew and was with literally his entire life, since third grade.”

  “Goddamn.”

  “Yeah. So us messing around, making each other come? That was…beyond a huge deal. And in the heat of the moment, yeah, I absolutely get how he would accidentally say her name. How he would be…in a very weird, agonizing place afterward.”

  “Doesn’t make it any easier for you.”

  “No.”

  “So…now what?” Audra asks.

  I laugh. “Exactly! Now what? That’s why you’re here.” I roll a hand. “I have no idea. I feel like I got a taste of something truly and incredibly epic, and a huge part of me wants more, but I’m…afraid, I guess. On one hand, I’m afraid of moving on from Craig in a way I never really have, and scared of what trying to make things happen with James might do to him. I don’t know if he can get over Renée. Can he be with me and give me emotionally what I need?”

  Audra makes a face that’s somewhere between sympathy and a wince. “James is kind of a mystery to me, honestly. He’s forty-whatever years old and he’s only ever been with one woman, until today? I don’t know what to do with that. He honestly may never get over that, Nova.”

  I laugh bitterly. “Wow. Awesome. Very helpful and supportive.”

  “I’m sorry, I’m just being honest.” She shrugs. “What about you, though?”

  I tilt my head. “What about me?”

  “Do you think you can overcome your past? If James was suddenly like hell yeah, babe, let’s be a thing right now…do you think you’d be able to jump in with both feet?”

  I groan. “I want to say yes.”

  “But you can’t.”

  I roll a shoulder and stare out the window. “I think I could get there. It would take time and work, but I just don’t know if I can…I don’t know.”

  “You know you can’t stay alone forever,” Audra fills in.

  I nod. “I can’t do casual sex anymore—been there, done that, got the T-shirt, and donated the T-shirt to resale.” I toy with the teabag in my mug. “I also can’t do relationships where we both know it’s not serious, but it’s not casual either. I tried that too, and it just doesn’t work. It ends up being casual, and either I feel gross about myself, or stay closed off. Usually both. But the longer I’m alone, the more closed off and cranky I get. At this point, honestly, you may as well just give me half a dozen cats and call me a crazy cat lady.”

  Audra tucks her feet under her thighs. “I guess it’s a matter of what you think you have to lose by not chasing James. Or you can wait and see if he makes a move? He did make up an excuse to see you, after all.”

  I wipe my face with both hands. “But if he calls me, how do I know he’s making a move out of emotion, and not just thinking with his dick?”

  “Would it be a problem if he was thinking with his dick?”

  “Um, yeah? Because if all I wanted was dick, I could walk down the street and snap my fingers and I’d have all the dick I could handle.”