As a teenager growing up in the 1980s, all Jerry Mahoney wanted was a nice, normal sham marriage: 2.5 kids and a frustrated, dissatisfied wife living in denial of her husband's sexuality. Hey, why not? It seemed much more attainable and fulfilling than the alternative—coming out of the closet and making peace with the fact that he'd never have a family at all. Twenty years later, Jerry is living with his long-term boyfriend, Drew, and they're ready to take the plunge into parenthood. But how? Adoption? Foster parenting? Kidnapping? What they want most of all is a great story to tell their future kid about where he or she came from. Their search leads them to gestational surrogacy, a road less traveled where they'll be borrowing a stranger's ladyparts for nine months. Thus begins Jerry and Drew's hilarious and unexpected journey to daddyhood. From then on, they're in uncharted waters. They're forced to face down homophobic baby store clerks, a hospital that doesn't know what...

The buttheads have landed—and they're trying to wipe us out! My best friend Lloyd and I had the perfect plan. We started a blog to invite aliens to come to Earth and hang out—but only with us. That way, they wouldn't have to meet any boring world leaders or get cut open by scientists or anything like that. We'd just chill out, eat junk food, and play video games together. Sweet, right? And it worked! Two aliens showed up one night in the bathroom of my favorite restaurant, and we snuck them home to my room. The problem is, they're total buttheads! Literally. They have butts on their heads, and they talk in farts. They're rude, disgusting, and they love Earth so much, they just invited 70 billion of their friends to join them here. Oops. Now it's up to us—two sixth graders with B-pluses in science—to save the planet from the sickest extraterrestrials in the universe. (Preferably without my parents finding out.) Sorry,...