Chapter 1

  Two weeks before Christmas

  James came instantly awake as Julia slid out of his bed, but kept his breathing even. It wasn’t easy.

  She was leaving.

  Again.

  They’d been together for six months. Not just sleeping together. No, what they shared in this bed – and in his shower and on his stairs, or wherever else they could get at each other

  – was so much more than sex.

  And yet she’d never spent the entire night with him. When he woke up, she’d be gone. Oh, she’d leave a note, in lip gloss on his bathroom mirror, a cute post-it on his fridge, a scribbled

  “have a good day” on his nightstand.

  But she’d still be gone.

  At first he hadn’t minded. His work was demanding and he was at it for long hours hand crafting wood furniture for a shop in the Cow Hollow district of San Francisco. It was physically intensive and he’d always liked having his bed to himself.

  But he no longer wanted that. He wanted Julia. Beside him.

  Beneath him. On top of him… However he could get her. He was beginning to wonder if he was the only one who felt that. Maybe she didn’t want to be with him past the good sex. Except that didn’t fly. They’d had a lot of adventures together, and she always seemed so happy when she was with him. But then again, why would she always wait for him to fall asleep before sneaking out?

  He’d told her more than once that she didn’t need to go.

  But she’d had an excuse; an early meeting at the hospital where she was head nurse, or she had to run errands.

  It was always something.

  It was never “I want to stay with you, James…”

  He’d understood. Until he didn’t.

  He thought about the golden heart necklace in a black velvet box in his jeans pocket on the floor with the rest of their clothes. He’d gotten it earlier in the day and planned to wrap it and have it beneath his Christmas tree for her on Christmas day. But he hadn’t gotten that far when she’d dropped the dress she’d worn on their date and distracted him with her sweet, curvy, gorgeous bod that he could never get enough of.

  And now, just before dawn, she was so eager to escape him that she was quietly and quickly gathering up her clothes, leaving his room still bare ass naked. The door shut silently behind her and he let it happen, let her go, staring up at the ceiling, no longer sleepy. Just cold.

  One week before Christmas

  The night had been one of his favorites with Julia so far.

  Now they were in his bed and he was holding her tight while she slept. He had a window open to a light breeze blowing softly over their still damp bodies, all the covers tumbled to the floor. He could feel the small after tremors still wracking Julia.

  His own body was so sated he probably wouldn’t even register a pulse. They’d decimated the bed and each other, and it’d been

  … amazing.

  She’d been over nearly every single night this week and yet she was still always gone when he woke up. But tonight he refused to let himself go to sleep after they’d made eggnog and slow danced to cheesy Christmas music in front of his fireplace.

  Instead, he lay there holding her, waiting.

  And sure enough, near dawn, she slid out of his arms and out of his bed. She dressed quickly and quietly in the pitch dark room before coming to his bedside and brushing her lips to his temple. “Goodbye,” she whispered.

  He opened his eyes. “You don’t have to leave,” he said.

  She went utterly still.

  Leaning past her, he flicked on the lamp.

  Her eyes were huge in her face.

  “You don’t have to leave,” he said again, quietly.

  “I called an Uber. I’ve got some stuff to do first thing, and

  —”

  “We didn’t get much sleep. You’re tired.” He didn’t want her to go. He wanted her to stay, he wanted to know what it would be like to wake up with her morning after morning.

  But she never gave him the chance.

  Tonight – or more accurately this morning – he wanted to know why.

  “James,” she said softly, with a slow shake of her head.

  She wasn’t going to stay. Sitting up, he swung his legs over the side of the bed and reached for her, pulling her between his thighs and pressing his face into the crook of her neck. She smelled like her vanilla shampoo and him, and he was certain he’d never get enough of her.

  Gently pulling back, she walked out of the room.

  He picked his jeans off the floor and tugged them on, following her into the living room. “What’s going on, what am I missing?”

  She stilled, then came back to him and for a moment, he thought she’d changed her mind, that she’d stay. But she put her hand on his bare chest, smiled up at him, whispered “Go back to sleep”, and with a soft kiss, she turned to the door.

  “You could be sleeping right now,” he said. “I don’t mind if

  you stay.”

  Her shoulders stiffened so briefly he wasn’t sure he’d actually seen it or imagined it. “I told you,” she murmured.

  “I’ve got stuff to do.”

  He watched as she slipped into her shoes. She wouldn’t meet his eyes. “You’re lying.”

  She reacted as if he’d hit her. She raised her head, looking stunned and hurt. “No, I’m not.”

  “Then you’re holding something back. Do you want out of this? Out of us?”

  “No,” she whispered.

  “Is it not what you thought it would be? Am I doing something wrong?”

  The hurt in her eyes changed to shock. “Of course not,”

  she said. “I want to be with you.”

  “Then why don’t we ever spend the night together? You never stay.”

  She drew a deep breath. “Your last two girlfriends were clingy. You told me that early on. That you wished they’d had their own lives to make them happy so it didn’t all fall on you.”

  He blinked.

  “I refused to be the clingy girlfriend who’d never leave you alone,” she said softly. “The girl who depended on you for their happiness.”

  He shook his head. “It was our second date, I think, yes?”

  She nodded.

  “We were making bar talk. You told me about your ex, and how he got weirdly possessive, and then about your mom’s asshole boyfriends, and how they treated you. I knew from our first date I wanted you for keeps, but I also knew I’d prove myself with actions and wit for you to believe in me. In us.”

  “You never asked me to stay,” she whispered.

  “What?”

  “You never once said ‘I want you to stay the night with me, Julia.”

  “I said it every night.”

  “No, you didn’t.” She looked down at her shoes. They were

  athletic shoes, the ones she used when she was on her feet for long hours at the hospital. They were beat up, and he knew she needed a new pair. He’d ordered them a few days ago, planning to use them as a distraction gift for the necklace. Julia finally looked up at met his gaze. “You never say you want me to stay,” she whispered. “You say it’s late and that I don’t have to go, or you don’t mind if I want to stay, or my favorite … you can stay if you want.” She shook her head. “But you never ask me to stay or tell me that you would like for me to, that you want me to stay with you.”

  She could have knocked him over with a feather. And while he was standing there, thoughts spinning, rerunning everything he’d ever said to her, she poked her finger into his bare chest.

  “That’s why I wait for you to instigate seeing each other, so I know you want to be with me. I don’t want to crowd you, James. I liked you so much so fast, I was afraid that I’d scare you off with it all. I didn’t want to risk losing you by pushing or asking for more than you wanted to give.” She let out a breath.

  “So if you want more, all you have to do is ask, because I love you and I’ll give you as much or as little as you want. The only thing I don’t want … is to lose you.”

  He stared at her as her words sank in. “You love me?”

  He watched her inhale a ragged breath. “Yes.” She gave a wry smile. “I didn’t mean to fling it at you in the middle of an argument, but I do. I love you, James. But just because I said it doesn’t mean you have to say it back. I know you care for me.”

  The finger she’d had poking into his pec was dropped. Instead, she laid a palm over his heart, going up on tiptoes to kiss him goodbye. “Go back to sleep. You’ve got another few hours before you have to be up, and I know you need the sleep.”

  “Julia, wait. I—"

  “No,” she said fiercely. “Don’t you tell me now, not because I was silly enough to blurt it out in an argument.

  Please, James, just think about it all, about everything I said.

  I’m not ever going to rush you.”

  “Maybe I’m not the only one feeling rushed,” he said quietly, noticing the way her pulse was racing at the base of her

  throat. She looked almost panicked that he might say something he didn’t mean just to appease her. And he got it.

  She’d been hurt, and she needed time to believe in this, in him.

  And that was something he could give her.

  He walked to her, cupped her face and looked deeply into her eyes. “You’ll let me know when,” he murmured, and gave her one last kiss, feeling his heart roll over and expose its underbelly as she nodded and slipped away.

  Chapter 2

r />   Christmas Eve

  Julia stood in line at the coffee shop in the Cow Hollow district of San Francisco, nerves jangling through her stomach like a swarm of butterflies gone wild. It was probably lack of sleep. Still in her nurse scrubs, she was fresh off a twelve-hour night shift in the ER.

  She hadn’t managed to get much sleep in the week since she’d seen James. Part of it was that she’d had to take on several double shifts at the hospital this week due to a flu ravaging the staff.

  The other part was her own doing. She’d walked away from the best man she’d ever known. And why?

  Because she was scared.

  Terrified, actually.

  Love had never done a damn thing except hurt her, and she didn’t know how to believe. James was a man of his word, but he was also a man of few words. He showed his feelings with his actions, she knew that, just as she knew it’d left her with more than a shadow of a doubt.

  So what had she done? She’d thrown her feelings at him and walked away. She’d told him she needed time and being the man he was, he’d given it to her.

  But she missed him. God, she missed him. “What are you even doing?” she murmured to herself.

  “I don’t know, honey,” said the old man behind her who looked like Einstein, if Einstein had gone to Woodstock. “But if you can’t figure it out, some of us are jonesing for a muffin, so do you mind? It’s not like I’ve got a lot of time left.”

  The old woman with him smacked him on the arm. “Stop scaring perfect strangers into thinking you’re on your deathbed.

  You proved that isn’t even close to true last night on our anniversary date.” She winked. “And I’m hoping you’re going to

  prove it again tonight.”

  The man kissed his woman’s cheek. “Whatever you want, Cute Stuff. Always…”

  The woman snorted and moved out of line to study the display case filled with delicious looking muffins.

  “Happy Anniversary,” Julia said. “How long have you two been together?”

  The man grinned. “A week. But I’m going to marry her if she’ll have me.”

  Julia’s heart warmed, but it didn’t stay that way. She missed James. So much. The worst part was that he’d be right here by her side if she hadn’t let old insecurities sabotage the best thing that had ever happened to her.

  He’d just recently taken on his dream job, hand crafting wood furniture for Reclaimed Woods, an upscale furniture shop in this very building. Amazing furniture, if she said so herself.

  He’d made a name for himself and was one of the city’s Artists on the Rise this year. She was proud of him, so proud. And she loved him. No matter that she’d let her fears get a hold of her, loving him hadn’t gone away.

  Great, and now she could feel her breath quickening in anxiety. She was going to have a panic attack.

  “You okay, honey?” the old man asked. “You look like you need a paper bag to put over your mouth.”

  She laughed a little breathlessly. “Yeah.”

  “When I get anxiety, I use a paper bag too. I drink all the bourbon inside. It helps a lot.”

  She let out a little laugh. “Care to share what’s your secret to your week old relationship?” she asked the old man.

  “Easy.” He winked at her. “She’s always right.”

  “Molly!” the woman behind the counter called out. Her name was Tina, and she not only owned the shop decorated like a holiday movie set, she made the best coffee and muffins on the planet. “Order ready for Molly!”

  A woman, Molly apparently, stepped up and reached for the offered tray of four coffees, but a man beat her to it, slipping Tina the cash directly. “Got it, babe,” he said to Molly,

  and then kissed the very lucky woman on the lips before they walked out of the shop hand in hand.

  Julia’s heart squeezed. James looked at her like that, like no one else in the room existed. She moved to the counter and pointed to the muffins. “A dozen, please.” Her mom, a maternity nurse at the same hospital as she, always said she wanted Tina’s muffins more than air. And her mom, who’d raised Julia on her own after being dumped by man after man, all while working her ass off to keep a roof over their heads and food in their bellies, rarely spent a penny on herself.

  So now that Julia was actually keeping her head above water, she tried to spoil her mom whenever possible.

  James had often done the same for Julia. He loved Tina’s fudge, which she didn’t make often. But thankfully there was some in the display today, and as she stared at it, she couldn’t help but remember some of the ways she and James had shared it, a few of them extremely, erotically naughty.

  She’d met him when he’d come into the ER six months ago after nearly slicing his thumb off at work. She’d assisted in getting him stitched up and he’d asked her out.

  She’d never looked back.

  Unlike any other man in her life, he’d stuck. Through thick and thin, and thick again. Through anything she threw at him, like trying to push him away just to prove she wasn’t meant for love.

  He worked right here in this building. She could’ve gone anywhere for coffee and muffins, but she hadn’t. A part of her, a huge part of her, had hoped to see him.

  You’ll let me know when…

  Those had been his last words to her after cupping her face and looking deeply into her eyes.

  That had been a week ago. One long, heartbreaking week during which she’d done nothing but think about him; his smile, his laugh, his callused hands, so strong yet so tender on her skin.

  “Anything else?” Tina asked, making her jump.

  She pointed to the fudge. “A pound of that, please,” she

  said, voice a little trembly. “Thanks.” And while Tina rang her up, Julia pulled out her phone, and with no hesitation sent a text to James.

  When.

  Outside, she stopped and blinked before walking across the cobblestone courtyard, decorated for the holiday with endless strings of white twinkling lights and potted Christmas trees. She took in the sight of O’Riley’s Pub, where she and James had gone on their second date.

  Her battered sneakers were silent on the cobblestones as she walked, slowing near the end of the courtyard, not quite to where Reclaimed Woods had their shop. Not going farther, she sat on the bench in front of a gorgeous hundred-year-old fountain. James had told her about its legend, which said that if one wished on the fountain for true love with a true heart, it would come true.

  She’d laughed and James had very seriously handed her a quarter.

  Taking the dare, she’d closed her eyes, wished on something she didn’t believe in – true love – and tossed the coin.

  Then they’d kissed for the first time.

  The old man words about his girlfriend in the coffee shop reverberated in her head. She’s always right.

  James had been the right one this time. He made her laugh, he made her feel good, he made her feel special. Sexy.

  Smart. The two of them belonged together. She’d fought it, but that was fear. She missed him so much that she ached.

  The bench rocked a little as an unbearably familiar built body dressed in jeans and a black T-shirt, both covered in sawdust, sat next to her.

  She turned her head and met James’s dark blue eyes.

  “Hey,” she whispered.

  “Hey.” He leaned forward and worked at brushing himself off running his fingers through his sun-kissed brown hair so that sawdust rained down over the both of them. When he finished he looked at her. “I got your text, and I was raised to be a

  gentleman so I know I should let you go first, but I have something to say that can’t wait.”

  Her heart clutched. Maybe she’d freaked him out by exposing her secret insecurities to him. Maybe it’d been her declaration of love. Either way, it was her own fault.

  But whatever he said, no matter how it hurt, she would accept it. Because she’d blown her chance. She gave him a tight nod and tried to remember to breathe.

  “You said some things last week that surprised me,” he said, looking right into her eyes. “When I didn’t think I could be surprised. But you were right. I was careful with my words when it came to you, and that was my own way of protecting myself. I put up a shield, and then denied it, even to myself. I need you, Julia. I didn’t realize how much until you left. With you, I feel less alone and for the first time in my life, I know what contentment feels like. I love you, Julia. So damn much it hurts” He let out a ragged breath. “Okay. That’s it. I needed to make sure you knew that.” He looked down at his tightly clasped hands, scarred and calloused from his work. “So what are we doing now? Fighting, or …”