Suicide Notes From A Wedding

Suicide Notes From A Wedding

Joaquin Emiliano

Joaquin Emiliano

Some six months before killing himself, Lucky Saurelius is honor bound to serve as a groomsman at his best friend's wedding. Armed with a rented tux, carton of cigarettes and a bottle of Grey Goose, he strikes out for Pennsylvania. With one last chance to settle his affairs, and no chance of turning things around, Lucky inadvertently resolves to compose the suicide note to end all suicide notes.Lucky Suarelius is running out of time. Out of options. Out of ideas. Out of his mind. Five years after being dumped by his publisher, he now finds himself trapped in Verona, North Carolina. Seven years spent behind the counter of a local sex shop. Girlfriend of eight years now moved on to greener pastures. Sixteen years of rampant alcoholism reaching its limit. Thirty-four years old without a single prospect for thirty-four more.On his thirty-fifth birthday, he will lock himself in a New Orleans motel room, and swallow a bottle of pills with a vodka chaser.But first, there is the small matter of his best friend’s wedding. Armed with a rented tuxedo, carton of cigarettes and a bottle of Grey Goose, Lucky strikes out for Skytop, Pennsylvania. What awaits is a bizarre landscape of estranged friends, wild memories, dangerous fantasies, incestuous confessions, karaoke, keg stands, exquisite hallucinations, drinking games, dragonflies, indifferent bridesmaids, disgruntled locals, open bars, blackouts, fireworks, Chinese vibrators, maraschino cherries, benders, rock n’ rollers, endless failures, infinite bottles of red, and the lingering demons of an unsettled score......Someone should have clearly thought twice before making him a groomsman. Joaquin Emiliano requests the honor of your presence for the surreal, often absurd and always outlandish dictation of Lucky’s final words, as he stumbles towards the end of all things, on this, the sacred occasion of a new beginning.
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Angry Jonny

Angry Jonny

Joaquin Emiliano

Joaquin Emiliano

Verona, North Carolina. 2009. Jessica Kincaid, a wildly intelligent 18 year old with a dark past, finds her worst enemies being brutally taken down by Angry Jonny - an anonymous vigilante who has tapped into enraged psyche of the recession era. As her world descends into chaos, Jessica must track down Angry Jonny before she succumbs to his dangerous manifesto and the fury of her own demons.Imagine the worst individuals to have ever crossed you – the traitors, liars, cheats.Bullies, predators and sociopaths. Imagine if there were someone out there taking down every last one of them. Punishing them through savage acts of sadistic torture. Bringing your darkest fantasies to life while your hands remain clean. Imagine that you were the only one capable of stopping him. Then try to imagine why you ever would.It’s the summer of 2009, and Angry Jonny, an anonymous and calculating vigilante, has made the southern city of Verona his playground. His targets are drugged, then tied down – tongues severed, eyes cut out – left to live the rest of their lives blind and disfigured.The only thread linking them is Jessica Kincaid – a tough, wildly intelligent high school senior with a troubled past and track record of making more enemies than friends. Angry Jonny’s victims have all previously used their stature and power to humiliate and ruin Jessica, making her and everyone she knows a suspect or potential target. If she hopes to stay alive and out of jail, Jessica must stay one step ahead of the authorities in her pursuit of Angry Jonny. But a guardian angel, no matter how ruthless, can be a handy companion. The closer she gets to Angry Jonny, the more contaminated she becomes by his manifesto of brutal retribution. As Verona spirals into chaos, Jessica must choose her path: unmask the devil that holds her hand, or lose herself, irrevocably, to the seductive spell of Angry Jonny’s single minded fury.
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Stories From a Bar With No Doorknobs

Stories From a Bar With No Doorknobs

Joaquin Emiliano

Joaquin Emiliano

Stories From a Bar With No Doorknobs is a short fiction anthology, drinking companion, sexual albatross and your keys to the asylum. Don't say you weren't warned.There is a day-to-day mirage that sets the standard. Where the arc of existence is measured by promotions, marriage, children, and the net worth of your final moments. Where decisions are encouraged by those of rational predecessors. Where the winners earn it and the losers deserve it. Where smiles and civility remain the true color test. Where those who work the hardest reap the greatest benefits. Where those we love remain faithful, and the few we idolize reward us with blameless perfection. Underneath it all lies the world of Lucky Saurelius. Where the broken and the bewildered gather by the glow of barback bottles. Where abusive men stalk their women towards mistaken destinations. Where a six figure executive trades his career for one last evening underground. Where the denizens of an after hours bar measure their moments under the watchful eye of a Great Dane. Where celebrity doppelgangers use their resemblance to craft sexual dominance. Where a collection of alcoholic super heroes await their unwilling savior. Where the deed to a derelict pool hall changes hands in a thirty six hour gambling streak. Where crumpled receipts are the only clues to a blood soaked awakening, marines sell love in a bottle for $3.99, and friendship remains a myth. On the bright side, stay long enough, and there might be a free drink or two in it for you. So pull up seat. Buy one more for the doomed looser, two hours before the end of the world. Curl up in the booth of an eleven am tavern. Stare out of a lonely window overlooking the rooftops of a wounded city. Say goodbye to perfection before corrective surgery steps in to ruin it all. Take a chance on the stranger tuned to every last person’s most base perversions. Mark the final words of a suicidal never-was. Use your poetry for toilet paper. Laugh with the stars. Drink or swim.There is always a second chance to make a worst impression. Short stories from the world’s most celebrated unknown.
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