The case of the three to.., p.7
The Case of the Three-Toed Tree Sloth,
p.7
“It wasn’t a beaver with a bad haircut.”
“That’s right.”
“It was a porcupine.”
His beak dropped open. “How’d you know that?”
“Because, after you gave me your garbage report, I tracked him down and jumped into the middle of him.”
“Well, that was dumb. I could have told you, they have sharp quills. A dog can get a snoot full of quills messing around with a porcupine.”
“Yes, I noticed. Thanks to you and Elsa, I collected about a hundred of them.”
J.T. shook his head. “Huh. I’ll be jiggered. You know, her eyes ain’t what they used to be. Sometimes she sees things. Why, just the other evening, she come a-running into the chicken house, clucking and a-flapping her wings. She said, ‘Oh, J.T., oh my! There’s a giant bullfrog right outside our front door!’”
I hated to show any interest in this mess, but I was curious. “So what was it?”
“Well, she got it half-right. It was a bull, not a frog, and he was plenty big. I went outside and told him to shoo.”
“And?”
“Well, bulls don’t shoo, and this one turned out to be…” All at once, his eyes popped wide open and he hiked up his left leg and started scratching under his wing. “It’s those darned bugs again! They’re eating me alive!”
“I’m out of here, J.T., and with any luck, we’ll never speak again. Thanks again for the quills, and I hope you enjoy your bugs.” I whirled around and marched away.
What a dunce. How do I get trapped into listening to stories about his empty little chicken-life? I know the answer. I’M TOO NICE. A dog in my position shouldn’t waste a minute of his valuable time…oh well, I had survived the porcupine ordeal and was ready to fall into the embrace of my gunny sack bed.
I was trotting toward the gas tanks when my ears began picking up the sounds of…was that laughter? I stopped, lifted Earatory Scanners, and turned the antennas until they zeroed in on the sounds that appeared to be coming from the Laughter Bandwidth.
Even more surprising, they were coming from…my office in the Security Division’s Vast Office Complex!
I switched on Infrared Detection and did a Visual Sweep.
HUH?
Holy smokes, it appeared that Drover was having a party in my office, and a stranger was sitting on my gunny sack bed!
Would you care to guess who or whom was occupying my place of honor? Don’t guess, I’ll tell you: my worst friend in the whole world, Pete the Barncat!
My blood pressure began to rise, and it rose even more when I began picking up their conversation on Earatory Scanners. Here’s the transcript, word for word.
Pete: “So he actually believed it was a Three-Toed Tree Sloth?”
Drover: “Oh yeah, hee hee. He thought it was a sloth wearing a porcupine suit.”
“A porcupine suit! Hee hee! Incredible! Who else would think of that? So he jumped on the porcupine?”
“Yeah, I tried to warn him, but you know Hank.”
“Yes, even I tried to warn him. Amazing! So he got some quills in his nose, did he?”
“Oh yeah, about a thousand of ‘em. He had to go up to the machine shed and…”
When Drover looked around and saw me looming outside the office, his traitorous little grin dropped like a dead pigeon out of the sky. His eyes grew as wide as grapefruits and he gasped. “Oh my gosh!”
Pete saw me too. “My, my, I think the cops are here.”
I stepped forward. “That’s right, Kitty. Turn out the lights, the party’s over.”
The little sneak threw a glance over his shoulder, checking out the escape routes. “Now, Hankie, let’s don’t be bitter. It was just a little joke.”
“Was it?”
“Yes, but…” He snickered. “Actually, Hankie, I never dreamed you’d fall for it. I mean, a Three-Toed Tree Sloth? Hee hee. You have to admit it was pretty crazy.”
I laughed and continued advancing toward the cat. He didn’t know it, but I was entering Launch Data into the computer.
“Ha ha. It was a good prank, Pete. I have to give you credit. No one does dirty tricks better than a cat.”
He began easing backwards. “Why, thank you, Hankie. I work at it every day, you know.”
“Yes, I know. You’re a professional sneak and sometimes you win a little victory, but in the long run, Pete, you’re a loser.”
“Oh really. I wonder what you mean by that.”
My finger was twitching on the Launch Button. “Here’s an idea. How would you like to spend the rest of the day in a tree?”
“You know, I’d rather not.”
“Too bad. Up the tree, you little pest!”
I launched the weapon and we raced to the nearest chinaberry tree. He got there first and scrambled up to the top-most branch, and that’s where I parked him for the rest of the day.
“There, let this be a lesson to you! Cheaters never win.”
With that out of the way, I stormed back to the office to take care of the other traitor. Drover. When I got there, he was hopping up and down. “Way to go, Hankie, great job! Boy, you fixed him!”
“Thanks, and now I’m fixing to fix you. We’ll skip the court-martial and go right to the bottom line. You will stand with your nose in the corner for three years.”
“Three years! Yeah, but…”
“Go!”
And that’s about the end of the story. I had solved the case, treed the cat, and cleaned all the spies and traitors out of the Security Division. Pete spent a miserable day, yowling in a tree, and Drover spent the rest of his life, rotting in a dark prison cell.
Okay, he didn’t exactly spend the rest of his life in prison. He whined and cried and said he was sorry for allowing a cat to sit on my bed, so after he’d served thirty minutes of his sentence, I…well, had a change of heart and gave him an early parole.
As I’ve said before, I’m too nice, but the point is that I had won another huge moral victory for the ranch. Against tremendous odds, I had proved that there is no such thing as a Free-Throwed Tree Sloth. If you ever see a dull-witted creature walking around in a porcupine suit, it’s a PORCUPINE.
And for your education on this matter, I’ve gone to the trouble to compose a little song on the subject of Thrills and Quills. Do we have time for you to listen to it? I guess so, sure. Here it is, and pay attention.
Thrills and Quills
If you see a short, fat beaver-tooth guy eating breakfast on a tree,
You’ll probably think what most dogs would, “He’s only half as big as me.”
And furthermore, you might observe how slow he moves around.
He waddles like a turtle, slow-motion on the ground.
And then you might check out his eyes to see how smart he looks:
Dumber than a box of rocks, he’d make the record books.
You put it all together and begin to see the light:
He’s the one you’ve been waiting for to draw into a fight!
Never seek your thrills
From a guy who’s wearing quills.
Bet you five you’ll get your fill
Pretty quick, and you will.
But wait a second, you hear a voice whispering in your mind,
“I think I met this guy before, dark night, another time.
The details are a little hazy of that long ago report,
But it seems there might have been a fight, and it was pretty short.”
But caution doesn’t fit a dog who’s big, brave and strong.
If the other guy is dumb and slow, whatever could go wrong?
So you rush right into combat and jump the little jerk
And then it all comes back, he’s wearing quills, and son, they hurt!
Never seek your thrills
From a guy who’s wearing quills.
Bet you five you’ll get your fill
Pretty quick, and you will.
Wow, is that an awesome song or what? No kidding, I mean, it’s got action, adventure, and a very important moral lesson for dogs all over the world, and that’s a pretty good day’s work on this ranch.
This case is closed.
Further Reading
Have you read all of Hank’s adventures?
1 The Original Adventures of Hank the Cowdog
2 The Further Adventures of Hank the Cowdog
3 It’s a Dog’s Life
4 Murder in the Middle Pasture
5 Faded Love
6 Let Sleeping Dogs Lie
7 The Curse of the Incredible Priceless Corncob
8 The Case of the One-Eyed Killer Stud Horse
9 The Case of the Halloween Ghost
10 Every Dog Has His Day
11 Lost in the Dark Unchanted Forest
12 The Case of the Fiddle-Playing Fox
13 The Wounded Buzzard on Christmas Eve
14 Hank the Cowdog and Monkey Business
15 The Case of the Missing Cat
16 Lost in the Blinded Blizzard
17 The Case of the Car-Barkaholic Dog
18 The Case of the Hooking Bull
19 The Case of the Midnight Rustler
20 The Phantom in the Mirror
21 The Case of the Vampire Cat
22 The Case of the Double Bumblebee Sting
23 Moonlight Madness
24 The Case of the Black-Hooded Hangmans
25 The Case of the Swirling Killer Tornado
26 The Case of the Kidnapped Collie
27 The Case of the Night-Stalking Bone Monster
28 The Mopwater Files
29 The Case of the Vampire Vacuum Sweeper
30 The Case of the Haystack Kitties
31 The Case of the Vanishing Fishhook
32 The Garbage Monster from Outer Space
33 The Case of the Measled Cowboy
34 Slim’s Good-bye
35 The Case of the Saddle House Robbery
36 The Case of the Raging Rottweiler
37 The Case of the Deadly Ha-Ha Game
38 The Fling
39 The Secret Laundry Monster Files
40 The Case of the Missing Bird Dog
41 The Case of the Shipwrecked Tree
42 The Case of the Burrowing Robot
43 The Case of the Twisted Kitty
44 The Dungeon of Doom
45 The Case of the Falling Sky
46 The Case of the Tricky Trap
47 The Case of the Tender Cheeping Chickies
48 The Case of the Monkey Burglar
49 The Case of the Booby-Trapped Pickup
50 The Case of the Most Ancient Bone
51 The Case of the Blazing Sky
52 The Quest for the Great White Quail
53 Drover’s Secret Life
54 The Case of the Dinosaur Birds
55 The Case of the Secret Weapon
56 The Case of the Coyote Invasion
57 The Disappearance of Drover
58 The Case of the Mysterious Voice
59 The Case of the Perfect Dog
60 The Big Question
61 The Case of the Prowling Bear
62 The Ghost of Rabbits Past
63 The Return of the Charlie Monsters
64 The Case of the Three Rings
65 The Almost Last Roundup
66 The Christmas Turkey Disaster
67 Wagons West
68 The Secret Pledge
69 The Case of the Wandering Goats
70 The Case of the Troublesome Lady
71 The Case of the Monster Fire
72 The Case of the Three-Toed Tree Sloth
About the Author and Illustrator
John R. Erickson, a former cowboy, has written numerous books for both children and adults and is best known for his acclaimed Hank the Cowdog series. The Hank series began as a self-publishing venture in Erickson’s garage in 1982 and has endured to become one of the nation’s most popular series for children and families. Through the eyes of Hank the Cowdog, a smelly, smart-aleck Head of Ranch Security, Erickson gives readers a glimpse into daily life on a cattle ranch in the West Texas Panhandle. His stories have won a number of awards, including the Audie, Oppenheimer, Wrangler, and Lamplighter Awards, and have been translated into Spanish, Danish, Farsi, and Chinese. USA Today calls the Hank the Cowdog books “the best family entertainment in years.” Erickson lives and works on his ranch in Perryton, Texas, with his family.
Gerald L. Holmes is a largely self-taught artist who grew up on a ranch in Oklahoma. He has illustrated the Hank the Cowdog books and serial stories, in addition to numerous other cartoons and textbooks, for over thirty years, and his paintings have been featured in various galleries across the United States. He and his wife live in Perryton, Texas, where they raised their family, and where he continues to paint his wonderfully funny and accurate portrayals of modern American ranch life to this day.
John R. Erickson, The Case of the Three-Toed Tree Sloth
