The Book of Martyrs was one of Caroline’s favourites. We are thinking a lot of her, since her baby is due in a month. I deeply regret how thoughtless I was when she was here — I feel much older now. I miss her. How incredible it is that she will soon be a mother, and Maria and I aunts!

  We pickled several barrels of onions and cucumbers. It is hard to believe winter is approaching, since the weather has turned warm again.

  25 September 1812

  Dear Constance,

  We do not know if there is still an armistice — we never hear any news. But no news is good news, Mama says.

  Abbie and I went for a long ride on Sukie, with Jack prancing beside us. The trees are changing to vibrant shades of red and orange. We talked about General Brock and Tecumseh. “Surely we will beat the Americans with these two heroes to lead us,” I said.

  “I am an American,” Abbie reminded me sharply.

  I could not reply. All my confusion came rushing back. I thought of Catherine, now in New York State, and how Hamilton, who loves her, has to fight her countrymen. I thought of how loyal Papa and Tabitha are to the King, how Mama helped Mr. Seabrook not to fight, and how Samuel returned to his own country.

  Who am I loyal to? I do not know, and that is why I say again that this is a confusing war.

  26 September 1812

  Dear Constance,

  I have nothing to tell you except that we have spent all day preserving fruit. I am also worried that I have used up well over half of this book, since I have had to sacrifice pages to Maria.

  Thus I have decided that, despite my promise to Hamilton, I will only write when I have something important to say. The next time I see Hamilton — when, dear God, will that be? — I will ask him to get me another book.

  October 1812

  6 October 1812

  Dear Constance,

  Today is General Isaac Brock’s birthday, and tomorrow is mine. I am very low-spirited, however, because no one has said anything about it. Perhaps they are meaning to surprise me. Perhaps Papa remembered the horse and is sending it tomorrow. But it is more than two weeks since we have heard from him at all.

  Papa does not even know how much I have grown. He and Hamilton are probably too busy fighting to remember my birthday. I wonder if anyone has remembered General Brock’s?

  7 October 1812

  Dear Constance,

  I am trying to write calmly, to still my fear. Mama has left us. Early this morning James’s brother, Peter, arrived in a wagon from Burlington. I have only met him once before, at Caroline and James’s wedding. He is thirteen. He had driven all night to tell us that Caroline had the baby early and is gravely ill. Peter’s mother is taking care of her but Caroline keeps asking for Mama and she may not live.

  Peter had come to take Mama back to Burlington. It is a risk with the war on, but one she must take. She hurriedly packed and, after she and Peter had had breakfast, they left.

  The baby is small but healthy — a girl, as yet unnamed. My niece! My happiness about that is cancelled by my misery about Caroline. How I wish I had loved her better! I keep thinking of how kind she used to be to me and I am once more ashamed that I played such a childish trick on her. I have not been a good sister to her and now I may lose her.

  Before we retired tonight Maria and I knelt at the side of the bed and prayed a long time for Caroline. Now Maria is asleep but I got up again to write in here. Please God, make her better. Please God, keep Mama and Peter safe on their journey. Please God, help me to be brave. Mama told me to be brave when she left, but I do not know how much more courage I can squeeze out of myself. And there is so much to pray for, I do not know how God has time to listen to it all.

  8 October 1812

  Dear Constance,

  I woke up this morning and remembered that yesterday I had turned twelve. I had completely forgotten and so, of course, had everyone else.

  We have been wretched all day, going about our tasks dully and trying not to weep or worry. It is strange and frightening to be here with only Maria and Tabitha. This evening we huddled in the parlour and read the Bible. A wolf howled and we clutched each other with fear.

  I can hear him again now. Perhaps it is the wolf I saw in the forest.

  My tears are blotching the ink, so I will stop this and go to bed.

  9 October 1812

  Dear Constance,

  A storm is raging outside. The wind is howling so much I fear the roof will come off. But we have a good fire going and Tabitha taught us a lively song, “King Arthur’s Servants,” which we sang as loud as we could against the wind and the driving rain.

  I could not sing much, however, because I have a toothache. Tabitha has given me some feverfew tea to soothe it.

  11 October 1812

  Niagara

  Dear Constance,

  Yes, I am in Niagara! So much has happened that I can scarcely write fast enough to set it all down.

  After a night of almost no sleep my toothache was much worse. My jaw felt as though it had a hot spike nailed through it. Tabitha said the tooth must be pulled. Maria held my head while Tabitha gripped with the pliers.

  The harder she tugged the louder I screamed. Alas, she broke the crown! We were all crying as they gave me a dose of brandy.

  As I lay moaning in bed Papa arrived! He smoothed my hair as he told us his news. Caroline is better! One of his men had been in Burlington and brought him the message. Papa had come home to tell us, knowing we were alone and how worried we would be. He said Mama would stay with Caroline until she was stronger, but she is definitely out of danger.

  Papa now turned to the problem of what to do about me. He decided to take me to Niagara, so that the army surgeon could extract my tooth. As I watched Maria pack my small bag I managed to ask her to include this journal, a pen and a bottle of my beet ink.

  We left immediately. Papa wrapped me in a blanket and held me in front of him as we galloped away. Mud flew in our faces and the jarring motion made me almost faint from pain. But Papa kept murmuring soothing words to me and I felt safe in his arms.

  He rode straight to Fort George. Doctor Thorn gave me some more brandy and cut into my gum to twist out the tooth. I could hear it grinding against the bone and I almost gagged as hot blood gushed into my mouth. I gripped Papa’s hand but still had to scream, splattering blood over both of us. I have never felt such pain and cannot bear to tell you any more about the dreadful experience, which I hope I will never have to repeat.

  Papa then took me to his house, where I was put to bed. I slept until after dark. Then Hannah bathed me in front of the kitchen fire. What a sight I was, covered in blood and mud! Hannah was much less gruff than usual. She even called me a “poor little mite.” I managed to sip a little soup and went back to sleep.

  This morning I feel much better, although my jaw is very sore. Papa and Hamilton came into my room to kiss me before they left for the fort. How glad I was to see Hamilton again! I have just eaten a soft-boiled egg.

  Later

  Dear Constance,

  I have spent the morning reading and wandering about the house. For a while I helped Hannah roll out pastry for a meat pie. Then I got bored and sat at the window.

  The town is so changed from the last time I was here. Hardly anyone is in the streets. Hannah told me that many of the women and children have been sent away, but that she refused to leave.

  I am so sleepy that I think I will have a nap. The bed seems wide without Maria in it — it is the first time I can remember sleeping alone.

  Later

  I just saw Ellis! He was coming out of General Brock’s house. I knocked on the window and he was so surprised when he saw who it was! I wish he had come to the house to say hello, but he just waved and hurried away. He looked anxious, as usual. I do hope I see him again.

  Later

  I have not seen Papa and Hamilton all day. Hannah went to bed early and made me go also, but I could not sleep. My mouth was almost free of pain and I had had such a long nap that I was not tired.

  I watched at the window to see if I could spot Ellis again. I dozed in my chair, waking up twice because I fell off. First I heard Papa and Hamilton coming in very late. Then, even later, I heard a horse and watched General Brock dismount from Alfred and go into his house. He was shrouded in his cloak — it is raining hard again — and I could not see his face.

  I lit a candle to write in here. I have just taken one more look out the window. The town is deathly quiet, except for the rain pounding down. It feels as if the world is holding its breath, as if something is about to happen.

  October 13

  Very Early

  Dear Constance,

  My fingers are quivering and you will probably not be able to read this shaky writing. Still, I must tell you what I have just done — perhaps the most important thing I have ever done in my life.

  I was sleeping deeply and dreaming that I was being attacked by giant mosquitoes that buzzed and clattered around me. I woke up to realize that the clattering was something being thrown against my window. I ran over to it and Ellis was below, holding pebbles. It was not even quite dawn yet.

  “Susanna!” he called, when I opened the window a crack. “Please come!” He ran back to his house.

  I hesitated. What madness was this? It was still dark, the wind was howling and the rain thrashing. My bed was so warm. But I could not resist the desperate entreaty in Ellis’s voice. I wrapped a shawl around my nightdress and put on my shoes. Then I slipped out of the house and knocked on General Brock’s door, my heart pounding.

  Ellis let me in and pulled me by the hand into the kitchen. He was very agitated, his eyes burning, his fiery hair in tufts, and his skin drained of colour.

  General Brock was in the kitchen, putting on his uniform coat. Porter was handing him a cup of coffee.

  Suddenly I was terrified. What was I doing here, disturbing this great man? I tried to leave before he noticed me, but he looked up and smiled.

  The General asked me quietly what I was doing in Niagara — and in his house. I apologized, stuttering an explanation about my tooth. I said Ellis had asked me to come over but I did not know why.

  Ellis looked at the floor. “I brought Susanna here to say goodbye,” he mumbled.

  The General was pulling on his boots. He gave Ellis a piercing look, then called him a strange boy. He is strange, I thought — why was it important that I say goodbye?

  It was hard to believe General Brock was talking to us so calmly while obviously in a hurry to leave. I dared to ask where he was going. He said to Queenston, where they had begun fighting. “Can you not hear the guns?” he asked us.

  I listened and, sure enough, there was a distant boom, muffled by the wind and rain. The sound made me shiver. General Brock told us he had not slept all night. “He who guards never sleeps!” he laughed.

  His eyes were as fevered as Ellis’s. The two of them were as tight with tension as wound up springs. At the same time the General’s preparations seemed in slow motion, as if time had stopped.

  General Brock tied a wide striped sash around his waist. He told us Tecumseh had given it to him. He put on his round hat. Then he stood up — what a giant he seemed! — and said these words: “Miss Susanna, would you buckle on my sword to bring me luck?”

  I did not want to do it. I did not want him to put on his sword at all — that meant he would go off to fight and perhaps be killed. I was filled with a profound weariness of swords and battles, and of this war which has separated me from the people I love.

  But how could I refuse? I glanced at Ellis, whose eyes were pleading. General Brock kept smiling at me and I had to give in. My great admiration for him won over my reluctance.

  I nodded and he lifted me up to stand on a chair. Ellis handed me the sword in its ornate leather scabbard. As I was raising it General Brock said, “No, that sword will not do. Ellis, fetch me my other one.”

  Ellis ran out of the room and returned almost immediately with a long, curved sabre. He gave it to me, and my arms sagged under its weight. It was so much heavier than the first sword that Ellis had to help hold it in place while I fastened the stiff buckle. It only took a few minutes but it seemed more like hours.

  General Brock thanked me and kissed me on the forehead. Then he lowered me to the floor. Porter handed him a dark cloak as he left the room.

  We followed him out the front door. His aides, Macdonell and Glegg, were waiting for him outside. Alfred was harnessed and saddled and their own horses were ready. The General mounted and gave his aides some orders I did not entirely understand. But I heard him say that most of the troops were to stay at Fort George in case the battle in Queenston was only a distraction. That relieved me — perhaps Papa and Hamilton will not have to fight.

  General Brock said goodbye and galloped into the windy darkness, his cloak flapping behind him. The two men got on their horses and rushed off to the fort. Ellis and I went into the hall to get out of the icy rain. For a few minutes we just stood there in silence. Ellis stared weirdly into the air, the way he had that day in our orchard.

  “Why did you ask me to come here?” I asked, to break the spell he seemed to be under.

  “I thought you would bring him luck,” he mumbled. “It was my last hope. I told you before, Susanna — you are a lucky person. Even General Brock must have sensed it — that is why he asked you to buckle on his sword.”

  Then Ellis’s voice choked. “But your luck is not enough. It will not be able to save him from his fate. We will never see him again.”

  I asked him how he could know that. “I do not want to know it!” he cried. “I just do!” He rushed up the stairs. I trudged back here, my heart full of dread and wonder.

  I do not know what possesses that strange boy, but I pray that his premonition is wrong. Please, God, may my fulfilling General Brock’s request bring him the luck he needs.

  Later

  We are now at Fort George. Hamilton woke us at six and told us that we had to take refuge in the fort. Hannah packed some blankets and food for us, grumbling at being disrupted.

  Hamilton bundled us here in the wagon — Hannah and me and Ellis, who had been sent over by Porter in case the latter had to fight. I hurriedly packed this journal, a pen and some ink. Writing to you is all that keeps me calm.

  When we reached the plain, we saw many troops assembled there. One at a time they were marching across it to the fort. A large group of Indian warriors was already heading to Queenston, their faces painted in red and black.

  To my dismay, Hamilton told me that he and Papa were also to leave for Queenston at once. I clung to him so hard he had to pry me loose. He had tears in his eyes as he kissed me goodbye, but his eager expression chilled me. I wonder if I will ever see my beloved brother again.

  We are shut up in the soldiers’ barracks and not allowed to leave. Hannah is helping the women cook some gruel for breakfast. I was told to look after the little children. For a while I taught them cat’s cradle with some lengths of string, but my heart is too heavy to amuse them for long.

  It is dark in here and there is a strong smell of babies’ napkins. I am sitting in a corner by a lantern writing this. Ellis is slouched beside me. He will not eat or speak, but only sits and stares into the air with his haunted eyes.

  Mid-morning

  I am snatching a moment to tell you this, since I do not know when I will have the time to write again.

  We were fired upon! When we heard the cannons Ellis and I raced to the upper floor of the barracks. From there we saw a horrifying sight. Smoke was pouring from the cannons at Fort Niagara and below us our gunners were firing back. I plugged my ears at the resounding booms. There are fires burning in town and I wonder if Papa’s house has been hit.

  To my terror, cannon balls were bouncing and smashing right here in the fort. Then we saw that a hot ball had set one of the storehouses on fire. “Come on!” cried Ellis. “We have to help!” He ran down the stairs. Fear held me back for only a few seconds — I could not let him go alone.

  Hannah tried to stop me as I ran past her but I struggled out of her grasp and followed Ellis out the door of the barracks. Soldiers were passing buckets of water from hand to hand. Ellis and I joined the line. It took both of us to hold one bucket and I felt my arms were breaking, but our efforts won out and the building was saved.

  Then someone shouted that the powder magazine had been hit! We ran over to see men on top of it, dousing the leaping flames. I cannot let myself think of what would have happened had the barrels of powder inside been ignited.

  When both fires were out we stood behind the soldiers, trying to catch our breath. Ellis’s face was grimy with soot and his eyes red with smoke, as mine must have been. My heart was pounding, but with exertion and exhilaration more than with fear.

  Ellis pointed out Major General Sheaffe. We slunk behind a building to watch him, afraid someone would send us back to the barracks. The General was assembling a large troop of British soldiers. They quickly left the fort, I presume to join the battle at Queenston.

  Ellis remarked on how stricken the General’s face was, and said he must have had bad news.

  “You are imagining things!” I told him angrily. It irks me how Ellis is so prone to think the worst.

  Then an officer noticed us and ordered us back in here.

  We can still hear the volley of cannons as our two forts fight one another. Children are whimpering with fright as their mothers try to soothe them. Hannah has scolded us roundly for going outside. She strictly forbids us to leave again.

  Later

  I am presently right in the middle of the war! It astounds me to write that, Constance. I have prayed for our safety. Yet I do not feel as frightened as when I was at home and the danger was invisible.

  I keep thinking of General Brock’s excitement as he got ready to leave, and of Hamilton’s also. Is it the exhilaration that draws them to war, the same that still floods me from fighting the fires? I have never felt more alive than at this moment when I may be killed.