Except…

  Gazing into his startled eyes, all my resolve died away.

  I came in here to tell you we can’t do this.

  But… I can’t do that.

  What the fuck?

  Christian met my gaze but quickly broke eye contact. He seemed to be very pointedly avoiding my gaze as he pulled some more jerseys out of the cart and put them into the washer. “So… What’s going on?”

  “I, uh…”

  Yeah, Theo. What’s going on?

  And why is he on edge?

  Fuck. I couldn’t find my breath, never mind the words. I knew what I came to say—what I needed to say—but I couldn’t do it. What the hell?

  Christian glanced through the window on the door, then turned to me, guard firmly up. “What’s going up? You seem kinda… rattled, I guess?”

  So do you, I didn’t say out loud.

  “I…” I pushed out a shaky breath and rubbed the back of my neck, wondering when those muscles had knotted up. What was I even supposed to say? How was I supposed to explain any of this?

  “Theo. Look at me.”

  For the first time, I didn’t want to do that, but I did what I was told. Christian’s eyes were soft and full of concern. I could also see the glowing embers of the fire that always came to life when we were truly alone. Facing him now, I couldn’t justify what I’d intended to do when I’d walked in here. I still knew all the reasons why I needed to end this, but for all I’d worried about the friendships and camaraderie I’d be losing if I lost this team, I hadn’t thought about what else I’d be losing. Who else.

  We’re just hooking up. Why is it so hard to let you go?

  Christian narrowed his eyes a little, like he was trying to read me. “What’s going on?”

  As my resolve died away, I wiped a hand over my face. “So, your dad stopped me on my way into practice.”

  Christian stiffened and his eyes widened. “Oh yeah?”

  I nodded, and I told him about the brief exchange, finishing with, “I can’t decide if he’s just fucking with me or if he knows something.”

  Christian chewed his lip and shifted his weight uncomfortably. “I don’t think he knows. I feel like he’d confront me or…” Folding his arms, he shook his head. “Unless he’s just enjoying playing games. I… God, I don’t even know. Maybe he doesn’t have a clue and he’s just still messing with your head over the whole Pride Tape thing.”

  I sighed and leaned against one of the dryers. “I don’t know. And… I’m not gonna lie. I came in here because I was going to tell you we shouldn’t do this. I’ve got a lot on the line, and so do you, and I just…”

  He tensed, swallowing hard. “Yeah. I, um. I get it. I do. If you can’t, then I’ll under—”

  “No.” I shook my head. “I came in here to end things, but now that I’m here…”

  Christian watched me, brow pinched. “I don’t want this to be a source of stress. You’ve got a lot of pressure on your shoulders already.”

  I nodded. “I know. But I just…” I ran a hand through my hair and blew out a breath. “I’m probably stupid as fuck, but now that I’m in here, I don’t want to stop what we’re doing. Even with everything that’s at stake.”

  “I don’t want to fuck up your career, though. Or have you resent me if it all blows up, though.”

  “If it does, it’s not your fault.”

  “No, but if I wasn’t in the picture, it wouldn’t be an issue.”

  “And if it was anyone else,” I admitted softly, “I wouldn’t want to take the risk.”

  His eyebrows rose.

  “I know what’s at stake,” I went on. “And I know we’re just hooking up and all, and we’re probably being stupid as all hell, but… I like what we’re doing. I like it, and I don’t want to stop. Your dad has a ton of power of me and my future. I just can’t convince myself to let him have control over this, too.”

  Christian’s lips parted.

  “If you don’t want to,” I whispered, “I’ll understand. But I’m going into it with my eyes open. If it blows up in my face, then…” Then I probably lose the NAPH. And you. “Then it blows up in my face. But I don’t want to stop doing this.”

  “Neither do I. I don’t want to be selfish and ask you to risk your career, though.”

  “You’re not.” God, it was so hard not to reach for him right then. “I know what’s on the line. I’m making the decision that I want to do this. Risk and all.”

  He held my gaze for a moment. Then he dropped his and leaned hard against the washing machine, looking anywhere but right at me. “To be honest, I was going to break things off too.”

  My stomach somersaulted. “Oh.”

  He kneaded the back of his neck and sighed. “My dad was on my back about some things last night. About my job, and…” Dropping his hand, he shook his head. “It’s the usual stuff he fucks with me about—getting pissed at me for doing my job one way even though we both know he’d be pissed if I did it the other way, too—but it got me thinking. About what we’re doing and what’ll happen if he finds out.” Christian swallowed hard, and he finally looked at me. “I was going to text you from my parents’ driveway last night, but then I thought you deserved to hear it in person, and then you came in here and I saw you, and…” His shoulders slumped. “I can’t fucking do it.”

  My heart didn’t know whether to sink or speed up. “You can’t?”

  “No. I should. We’re stupid as hell if we keep doing this. But…” Christian held my gaze even though it seemed like a struggle. “I can’t explain it, but I just… can’t pull away from you.”

  “Neither can I,” I whispered. “And like, I know it’s a risk. But when I was just crushing on you and didn’t think this was going to happen, I was a mess, you know?” I laughed nervously. “It’s almost like I’d be taking a bigger risk being distracted with my career if I pretended I didn’t want you.”

  Christian chuckled. “So it wasn’t just me? Getting distracted?”

  “No. God, no. And I’m not saying—I don’t want to pressure you or anything. That’s not what I meant. I’m just saying that I’d rather put in the work to keep this a secret than drive myself insane seeing you every day without being able to touch you.”

  His lips parted. “Really?”

  I nodded, my cheeks burning. “I don’t know if that makes any sense. I just… I mean, what can I say?” I laughed. “I’d rather be stupid than stop.”

  To my great relief, Christian laughed, too. “Yeah. Same. Maybe I’ve just been around hockey players too long, but I—”

  “Hey! What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “Uh, that a lot of you are impulsive, reckless, and a little nuts, and I think that’s rubbed off on me?”

  “Well, damn.” I quirked my lips. “I can’t even argue with that.”

  “Right? He smiled, the expression a mix of warm and hot. “Or maybe I’ve just gotten too hooked on the things you do to me, and I don’t want to give it up.”

  “Oh, I can relate.” Why was I out of breath? “So… does that mean we’re still going to do this?”

  God, it was stupid and reckless, and I fucking knew it all the way to my bones, but when Christian gave me that sly grin? When his eyes narrowed just right to make my knees weak?

  Fuck it. Sign me up for stupid and reckless.

  He sobered a little. “We’ll just have to be extra careful, though.” He threw a wary glance at the window. “Really keep it on the DL.”

  “I think we’ve been pretty good about that, haven’t we?”

  “We have, but my dad…”

  I pursed my lips. “He spooked me. But I mean, do you really think he knows anything?”

  Christian seemed to consider it. “Probably not, or he’d have made a move beyond his usual cryptic bullshit comments. I think he was just being a dick to me because that’s what he always fucking does, and he’s messing with your head because he’s still pissy about the stick tape.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Of course he is.”

  “And he will be for a long time.” Christian glanced at the window again, then touched my hand. “So let’s just take this as a sign from the universe to really cover our tracks. Go forward as if he’s caught the scent and he’s suspicious of us, and don’t do anything to confirm his suspicions.”

  “So… same as before.”

  “Dialed up to a ten, but yeah.”

  “Okay.” I smiled. “I can do that.”

  “Me too. And speaking of…” Christian took out his phone and checked the time. “It’s one o’clock now. I’ll probably be out of here around four.” He turned an impish smile on me. “My place at six?”

  “See you then.”

  We exchanged grins but didn’t dare kiss. Not with that window showing us to anyone who walked by. We’d make up for that later.

  As I left Christian to the laundry and went back to the locker room, my heart was racing. I was all the way back to my stall when I realized it wasn’t the thrill of sneaking around that had my blood pumping. It was a mix of relief that I hadn’t done the stupid thing, and the anticipation of everything Christian and I would be doing after six this evening.

  I didn’t know what to make of any of that. What it meant about whatever this was between us or how stupid we were really being.

  I just knew I liked being with him.

  And I was glad I hadn’t ended it after all.

  Chapter 14

  Christian

  “Oh, my God…” I dropped onto the mattress beside Theo, still shaking all over from that orgasm. “I’m not gonna be able to walk tomorrow.”

  He laughed drunkenly. “So you don’t want to go another round?”

  “I didn’t say that. I just said I wouldn’t be able to walk tomorrow.” I wiped sweat from my forehead. “If we go another round, though, I nominate you to be on top. My legs are still shaking.”

  Theo grinned. “Pretty sure I can manage that. And make your legs shake again.”

  I bit back a moan. This man was absolutely insatiable, and he was a spectacular lay. That months-long dry spell between our first and second hookups had been frustrating as all hell, but we’d been making up for lost time and then some. He had stamina to burn, the perfect-sized dick to fuck me senseless without leaving me sore, and… I mean, he was a hockey player. He had some serious strength in his lower body, and he used it. Even when I was riding him like I’d just done, he didn’t lie still and let me do all the work.

  “I should get rid of this.” Theo groaned as he sat up. “Shower?”

  “Mmm, good idea.” I paused. “When I can stand.”

  He shot me a playful look. “Oh, come on. I didn’t make you come that hard.”

  “Pfft. Says you.” I moaned theatrically as I hauled myself up out of bed. My legs were still wobbly, but, yeah, I could stand enough to handle a shower. And hell, if my balance went wonky, I could always lean on Theo. Such a hardship.

  Though my condo was blessed with an unusually large shower, we didn’t need much of the real estate. We cleaned ourselves off, but then spent most of the time kissing and touching under the spray. I didn’t have to lean on him to stay upright, but I did it anyway because I loved how I felt wrapped up in his powerful arms. He was leaner than a lot of guys I’d been with, but every inch of him was perfectly toned and tight. I could never get enough of touching him all over while we made out, and he seemed to enjoy that. In fact, he did the same thing—running his hands and fingertips all over my skin. Not just groping my ass or trying to turn me on, either. It was like he wanted to commit every inch of my body to memory.

  I was more than happy to let him do it, too.

  After a while, I came up for air and met his amazing dark eyes. Sliding my hands up his back, I said, “I’m glad we decided to keep doing this. Even if it’s, um… risky.”

  Theo brushed a few strands of wet hair off my forehead. “Feels weird to think I was going to call it off. But one look at you…” He trailed off, shaking his head.

  Some warmth rose in my face. “Really?”

  He nodded, a blush in his own cheeks deepening the flush from the hot shower. “I can’t really explain it. I was all set to say we can’t do this. But as soon as I walked into that room…”

  I kissed him lightly. “Must’ve been that intoxicating scent of unwashed jerseys.”

  He wrinkled his nose as he burst out laughing. “Oh, yeah. That’s it. If that cart had been full of jock straps, we’d be on our way to Vegas right now to elope.”

  We both collapsed into laughter, which led to more kissing. First playful, then more languid and soft.

  “We should get out of here,” he murmured against my throat. “Before we use the whole building’s hot water.”

  “Mmm, good point.” I shut off the water and we got out of the shower. After we’d dried off, we returned to my bed, slid under the covers, and picked up right where’d left off—touching and kissing.

  When he broke away this time, an unspoken thought creased his forehead.

  I smoothed his wet hair. “What’s on your mind?”

  “Uh. Well…” His expression was completely serious now. “Listen, I don’t want to rush anything, you know? I don’t know what we’re doing. What you want out of this. What I want out of it.” He trailed featherlight fingertips along the edge of my jaw. “Literally the only thing I know is that regardless of what’s at stake, I don’t want to stop.”

  I wrapped my arms around his neck and pressed against him. “That’s all we really need to know at this point, isn’t it?”

  “True. I just… I didn’t want you to think that what we talked about earlier means we’re getting serious. Or that we’re not. Or…” He exhaled and shook his head. “I don’t know. I guess I just don’t want extra pressure on either of us?”

  “I know what you mean.” I brushed my lips across his. “And like, we don’t need to make any long-term plans or commitments. But you’re the only one who’s turned my head since that first time we hooked up. I don’t see that changing any time soon.” I half-shrugged. “So even if it’s not serious—nor or ever—I wouldn’t be opposed to us being exclusive.”

  Theo’s eyebrows flicked up. For a split second, I thought he might pull away and declare that that was too much, but then his kiss-swollen lips curved into a smile. “I haven’t touched anyone since the first time with you, so… Yeah. I’m good with being exclusive.”

  I grinned back, startled by the flutter of excitement in my chest. It wasn’t like we were getting engaged or anything. We weren’t getting serious. But still, the thought of being the only man he wanted was heady as hell. “Okay. So… just the two of us. Pretty sure I can keep you satisfied.”

  His laugh made my whole world a few shades brighter. Sleep with him and only him for the foreseeable future? Twist my arm.

  Sobering a little, he searched my eyes. “Do you, um…” His blush was so adorable. “Do you want to keep using condoms?” He carded his fingers through my hair. “Or grab some blood tests and ditch them?”

  I considered it. “I don’t see any reason to keep using them if we’re exclusive.”

  “Good.” His shy smile turned into a wicked grin, and he slid closer to me. “Because I would love to fuck that beautiful ass of yours bareback.”

  “Mr. Mathis.” I tsked, wrapping an arm around him. “You have a filthy mouth.”

  “Mmhmm.” He brushed that mouth across mine. “Are you complaining?”

  “Not in the least.”

  Neither of us said anything after that for a long, long time.

  But I definitely kept that filthy mouth busy.

  Theo and I were extra careful after we had that talk. We didn’t take these risks lightly, and we made sure no one—especially my dad—caught even the faintest scent that there was anything between us.

  It was tougher on the road, but we made it work. Sometimes one of us went to the hotel bar with the team. Sometimes both. We didn’t make any conspicuous attempts to sit away from each other, but we also didn’t try to sit together. On the plane, we’d occasionally wind up in the same card game, but Theo spent most flights with Grekov and Rusanov. They were the only guys on the team who Grekov could interact with easily, so I understood spending as much time with him as possible. I couldn’t imagine the isolation of having a language barrier between me and nearly everyone I worked with.

  It turned out Grekov did know some English. He wasn’t fluent enough to joke around and banter, but he could carry on a conversation if people spoke a little slower and enunciated. In a pinch, he had his translator, Rusanov, or Theo handy to fill in the gaps. As he got more comfortable with the team, he started getting more outgoing with the English speakers, and he seemed to be feeling more like part of the group these days.

  Still, it was always helpful to have someone to talk to who was as fluent as Theo or Rusanov.

  Not gonna lie—I still found it endearing as hell that Theo went out of his way to help another Russian speaker find his place on the team. Card games. Chirping. Patiently translating during practices and while we were hanging out in bars. A lot of players did that if someone joined the team who didn’t speak much English; the Swedes, the French Canadians, the Finns, the Russians—they all had each other’s linguistic backs.

  But every time I saw Theo bantering with Grekov or translating something on a menu at a restaurant, it melted my heart a little. I didn’t care that other guys did the exact same thing. When Theo did it, it was sweet and adorable, and it definitely did nothing to cool my attraction to him.

  It also had the added benefit of keeping any spotlight off Theo and me. If any rumors were going to start up about Theo getting involved with someone connected to the Rainiers, it was going to be Grekov, not me. Especially since Grekov was single. Straight? The jury was still out.

  Either way, people were probably way more likely to think there was something going on between Theo and Grekov than Theo and me, and that was fine by me.

  When we were in Seattle, it was game on at every available opportunity. He stayed at my condo more often than he stayed in his hotel room or his apartment.