“I know,” I said softly. “I can see that. It’s…” Not that simple? Not as complicated as I’m making it out to be?

  “Seth, look at me.” I did, and he said, “You didn’t know anything about me when we got started the first time, but we got there. We did it once before—we can do it again.”

  Oh, that was tempting. My entire world had been on its ass recently, even if it wasn’t nearly as upended as Brandon’s, and the temptation was strong to slide closer, right into his arms, and go back to something that made sense. Something that was good. Something that was simple. Something that was… maybe “innocent” wasn’t the right word, but it kept banging around in my head anyway.

  And why the hell shouldn’t I give in to this temptation? I’d been getting spun up over everything negative. What was the harm in reminding myself what I’d been missing for the last five months?

  Heart pounding, I closed some more of the space between us. Brandon tensed, watching me uneasily.

  “I’m not going to lie and tell you I’m not conflicted about this.” I trailed my fingers down his cheek. “And whatever we do, this isn’t going to go away overnight.”

  He winced and dropped his gaze.

  I touched his chin and turned his face back toward me, and when he met my eyes again, I whispered, “None of that means I ever stopped wanting you.”

  And maybe I would regret this later. Maybe I would hate myself for it tomorrow or after we returned to Coeur d’Alene.

  But in this moment, I did the only thing that felt remotely right, and that was to draw him in and press my lips to his.

  Chapter 12

  Brandon

  Seth had always been an amazing kisser. Slow. Decadent. Artful. He’d been the first boyfriend I’d ever had who loved to make out even when we weren’t going to take our clothes off. The first time he’d ever kissed me, standing out there on the Floating Boardwalk one hot summer evening, I’d had to lean hard on the railing just to keep from melting to my knees. I’d known without a doubt that we’d be in bed before the night was over, but I’d been more than content to just stand there for ages and let him taste and explore my mouth.

  Tonight, on the same couch where we’d made out and made love a few times in the past, his soft lips stopped my world on a dime. Everything had been absolute chaos for months now. Fear and confusion and this constant feeling the earth would drop out from under me at any moment. But right now, as Seth slid his hand into my hair and his tongue into my mouth, the ground beneath me was solid and everything was… still. Quiet. Nothing existed but this man and me and the kind of perfect, languid kiss that had always left me breathless.

  I still wasn’t quite sure who I was. In that moment, though, I knew enough. I was the man Seth wanted, and I was ready and willing to give him anything and everything he asked for.

  This didn’t solve anything. It didn’t fix all the cracks I’d put into our foundation, and we wouldn’t magically be okay because we’d had sex.

  But goddamn, it felt good. Not just physically, not just in the way sex always felt good, but like something in my world made sense for a change. Everything had been up in the air for the past few months, and nothing had been completely normal in over half a decade. This, though—holding and touching and kissing this sweet, loving man—was right. Maybe neither of us knew who I was anymore, but right here, right now, even if it was only for tonight, I knew who we were.

  I touched my forehead to his, panting hard into the narrow space between our lips. “God, I missed that.”

  “Me too.” He shifted, then climbed onto my lap and straddled my hips. With both hands in my hair, he claimed another kiss, and what could I do but surrender and moan? I did exactly that, wrapping my arms around him and keeping him as close as I could. Fooling around with Seth had always been amazing. He’d never failed to pull my focus to him and only him, and tonight was no exception. All the reasons we were here in this cabin still existed, but they were distant, like the trees on the other side of the firebreak—there, close enough I could sense them, but even if one of them decided to come crashing down, I doubted I’d have noticed.

  “Can’t decide…” Seth paused for another breathless kiss before he tried again. “Can’t decide if I want to rip your clothes off right here, or drag you into bed first.”

  I swear to God, I almost came. “Up to you.” I slid a hand between us, reveling in his shiver and the whispered string of curses as I rubbed his dick through his sweats. “I like the ripping-clothes-off part, though.”

  “Uh-huh. Same.” He rutted against my palm, and I suspected we were a second or two away from that whole getting naked right here on the couch thing. To my surprise, though, he got up and held out his hand. “Come on. The bed is way more comfortable.”

  Couldn’t argue with that, could I?

  He led me into the bedroom we’d shared in the past—the one he’d been planning to sleep in tonight—and we made short work of the few clothes we had on.

  With nothing left between us, we sank onto the mattress together, wrapped up in each other and a deep, hungry kiss. I was on top this time, his narrow hips between my thighs, and I fucking loved the slide of his palms up my back.

  When I rocked my hips to frot against him, the creak of the aging bed frame was familiar in a way that threatened to unravel me emotionally. We’d slept in this bed before. We’d had sex in this bed. I knew the way it sounded, the way it squeaked rhythmically in time with thrusts, and hearing it again took me back to a time I thought was gone forever. I didn’t know if this would be a one-time thing. If this would be the last time. I just knew I needed to wring as much closeness and pleasure from it as I could get for both of us, just in case we never touched like this again.

  “Fuck me?” I pleaded.

  Seth’s eyes were on fire. “Yeah?”

  “Please.” I stroked him between our bodies. “I want you. Please.”

  He licked his lips. Then he dragged me down into a deep, needy kiss, and somehow I knew his answer was yes even though he hadn’t said a word.

  When he did speak, he murmured, “I’ve got lube in my bag.”

  I wanted to playfully ask, “Oh, do you? Did we have high hopes for this week?” but I let that go. This moment felt too delicate to chance a joke. Chances were, he’d just left the bottle in his bag from the last time we’d traveled together.

  He got up and retrieved the bottle in question. As he settled beside me, though, he hesitated. “Do we need…” He bit his lip. “What about condoms?”

  I swallowed. “I, um… I haven’t touched anyone since you.”

  He stared at the lube bottle in his hand, unreadable thoughts rolling across his face.

  Could I really ask him to trust me that much? After all the bombs I’d dropped on him?

  Seth lifted his gaze to meet mine, unaware of how his gorgeous eyes could still make my heart flutter. He swept his tongue across his lips. “I haven’t been with anyone either.”

  Guilt tumbled in my chest. Seth’s philosophy had always been that the best way to get over someone was to get laid until he couldn’t remember that someone’s name anymore. The fact that he hadn’t done that after me…

  God, how bad did I hurt you?

  “We can use them,” I whispered. “Or we can do other things that don’t require them. I trust you, but with everything—I can’t expect you to trust me like you did before.”

  Seth searched my eyes. Then he drew me in and brushed his lips across mine. “I do trust you. And I’m going to fuck you.”

  From the way he claimed my mouth, he didn’t mean I’m going to fuck you after we’ve had a chance to go into town and get condoms. I knew this man, and I knew without a doubt he was going to be balls deep in me before too much longer.

  I held on to his shoulders and whimpered into his kiss. I hadn’t even realized how much I’d been craving the sex I’d taken for granted with him. Yes, I’d missed him like crazy the last few months, but my libido had been as far gone as my sense of safety. Sex hadn’t even crossed my mind.

  Tonight? Sex consumed my mind. I needed everything Seth was willing to give me. I didn’t know if I could handle it, only that I didn’t care. I’d gone way too long without touching him, and I needed to make up for lost time.

  Seth nipped my lower lip, then murmured, “I want you to ride me.”

  Another whimper escaped my throat, and somehow, I didn’t come just from the desire in his words.

  We changed positions, and Seth put some lube on his fingers. Then he nudged me up, and I shivered as he teased my hole with his slick fingertips. “God, Seth…”

  A quiet laugh. “I haven’t even done anything yet.”

  “Yeah, you—oh, fuuuck…” I shivered as he pressed a finger into me.

  I could barely breathe, never mind think, as he gently worked me open. He’d always been as indulgent and methodical about this as he was when he kissed—taking his sweet time, enjoying the way he made me tremble, grinning evilly when I begged him to just give me his dick already.

  Finally, though, he relented, and he steadied himself while I carefully came down. It had been a while, but he’d prepped me well, and anyway I’d been bottoming for years and I was the least tense I’d been in months. I eased down onto him, exhaling softly as he slid deeper into me.

  “Holy fuck…” He squeezed his eyes shut and arched under me as he ran his hands up my thighs. “God, you feel amazing.”

  I managed a moan in response. That was all I was good for right then, because he felt amazing. After months on end of feeling like hell, this wasn’t just the pleasure of riding this incredible man’s cock. It was like when I was recovering from an injury or I’d taken a painkiller or something, and the pain just… stopped. When the relief was so quick and complete that the absence of pain wasn’t just good—it was euphoric. Dizzying. Except this time I rocketed right past pain-free and into delirious bliss, and every time I moved up or down on Seth’s cock, I thought I might shake apart or collapse or cry.

  Beneath me, Seth opened his eyes again. The instant he met my gaze, renewed arousal zinged through me, and there must have been a dozen emotions on its heels. Right then, he was looking at me like he really saw me. Like he really knew me.

  Like he fucking recognized me, even if he still didn’t quite know what to call me.

  He slid his hand into my hair, pulled me down, and kissed me again, deep and long the way I’d always loved it. We moved together. We breathed together. We fell into that rhythm that had always come so easy for us—that effortless tempo that put us into a perfect feedback loop of pleasure.

  Seth stopped us for a moment to pour some lube on his hand. Then we were in motion again, and this time he started stroking me, keeping his other hand on my shoulder as if to steady us both. I rode him in time with his slick strokes, ready to lose my damned mind at any moment.

  “Oh my God,” I whispered. “Fuck, baby…”

  “Yeah?” he panted. “That good?”

  That familiar question—the one wrapped in a breathless unspoken plea for me to turn him on by telling him how much he turned me on—was the most delicious déjà vu I’d ever experienced. In that moment, we really were back where we’d left off. We were us again, knowing how to wind each other up and turn each other on. Knowing exactly how to take each other over the edge.

  “Feels amazing,” I slurred just like I often had. “You’re gonna make me come.”

  Ooh, and there was that stuttering breath. The barely audible whispered curses. He stroked me harder and thrust up into me, his pace as frantic as it always was when he was getting close. His features were taut, his skin flushed, and he ground out, “Oh God. Come, baby. Take me there with you.”

  The words drove me even higher; Seth had always gotten off on me getting off. Few things made him come faster or harder than me coming while he was inside me, and I suddenly wanted my orgasm even more so I would set his off.

  “I’m gonna come,” I moaned, because it was true, and because I loved the way those words made him arch and gasp under me. “Fuck, I’m right there. That’s it. God, Seth, I’m gonna come.”

  “Jesus Christ.” He thrust up as he kept pumping my dick, murmuring about how close he was and how hot this was, and then I was coming, crying out with the force of my orgasm as I unloaded on his hand and stomach. It only took seconds for Seth to join me, his shout probably echoing through the mountains as he drove himself deep and shuddered.

  I collapsed over him. I tried to hold myself up, but I was shaking so bad, my arms didn’t want to stay under me. Before I could drop onto the mattress beside him, Seth wrapped his arms around me and pulled me all the way down. We were a mess of lube and cum, but I didn’t care. I was in his arms, still trembling from my orgasm, and this was the closest to right my world had been in way too long.

  And at the same time, it felt like my world had been this right all along. It felt like the last five months had never happened. Everything, starting with the marshals showing up at my apartment, had just been a nightmare. Now it was over, and I was awake, and I’d never left Coeur d’Alene, and I was right back where I belonged—in the arms of the sweetest man I’d ever met, trembling with the remnants of an orgasm he’d give me. This was the perfect mix of turned on and satisfied, resting here in his arms as if nothing had ever interrupted our perfectly imperfect relationship.

  Was it too much to hope this feeling would last?

  Apparently so, because after we’d cleaned ourselves off and resettled into his bed, Seth spoke. “Can I ask you something about witsec?”

  Cold water rushed through me. He was entitled to answers, but I had blissfully put all of that out of my mind for a little while. “Yeah. Sure.”

  He turned onto his side and ran his hand up my arm. “Why did you change your first name? Don’t they usually tell people to keep it?”

  I nodded, watching as I let my knuckles drift back and forth across his damp chest. “Yeah, they do, since you’re more likely to answer to that. And I was going to stick with my first name, but I was such a wreck during orientation. Every time someone used that name, it made me think, shit, if someone who’s looking for me sees me answer to Brandon…” I sighed, shaking my head. “I was terrified, so I wasn’t completely rational. One of the marshals suggested taking a first name that sounded vaguely similar to my first. That way I’d still be inclined to answer to it, and I’d get used to it faster, but it made me feel less like someone would recognize me.” I laughed bitterly. “God, I was such a mess.”

  “I think anyone would be,” Seth said quietly. “It’s hard to imagine all of that. A new identity. Leaving everything behind.” He looked in my eyes. “A new name on top of it—I think that would break my brain.”

  “It was hard,” I admitted. “The funny thing is that I knew people in my past life who changed their names. People who got married and changed their last names, but also a few who changed their first names for various reasons. One didn’t want to be associated with his dad, who he was named after. A few were trans. And it was an adjustment, you know? Remembering they go by a different name now. Changing my own, though—fuck. That was hard.”

  “I’m sure. Especially considering why you changed it.”

  I nodded. “I spent that whole first year terrified of slipping up about something. Like I’d give someone the wrong name, or I’d make some reference to my past life that didn’t fit into the current one. It was, um… It was stressful. All of it.”

  Seth watched me, and I thought his remaining walls might be… not coming down, but wobbling.

  I curled closer to him, trying to ward off a chill even though the room was quite warm. “The lies oculdn’t be avoided. But everything I said about us? My feelings for you?” I ran my fingertips down his cheek. “That was all real. It still is.”

  “I know,” he whispered, clasping his hand over mine. “I… It’s not that I don’t believe you. I know how witsec works. I get it.” He sighed, then turned my hand and kissed my palm. “But it’s a lot to take in from this end. And even though I understand why you left the way you did, those feelings don’t go away overnight, you know?”

  I nodded slowly. “Yeah. I don’t expect them to. I don’t even know what either of us should be doing or feeling right now. There’s… They don’t tell you about this shit in orientation.”

  He laughed almost soundlessly. “No, I guess they don’t.” He met my gaze again. “Do they help you get back into your old life?”

  I chewed my lip and shook my head. “Not really. Once you leave the program, you’re on your own. They don’t want people leaving, so they’re not really big on helping them do it.”

  “I guess they wouldn’t be.” He studied me. “What would they have done if you hadn’t left? Just sent you back to Coeur d’Alene?”

  “No. If that were the case, then I would have stayed in.” I laughed dryly. “And then I wouldn’t have been able to explain to you why I disappeared for months either, so…”

  Seth’s brow furrowed. “That isn’t why you left the program, is it? So you could tell me?”

  “No,” I whispered. “They were going to give me a new identity. Someplace else. I’d be starting from scratch again. And I…” God, just talking about it exhausted me. “I couldn’t do it. The first time was hell. Doing it again—I just don’t think I would’ve been able to cope. And I wouldn’t have been able to connect with anyone because that would be twice I’d had to leave behind everyone I love, and I can’t do that again.”

  Seth tilted his head, his scrutiny intensifying. “When…” He shook himself. “No, that’s not a fair question.”

  “What? Go ahead.” I squeezed his hand. “I want to be honest with you. Even about the hard stuff. I’ve wanted to for a long, long time, so…” I raised my eyebrows.

  He hesitated, then quietly asked, “You said you have to leave behind everyone you loved. Did you… In your old life, did you… have someone?”