Bishop Campbell very nearly hissed but stayed calm enough to again gesture for my father to not say anything more than, “Oh, Chris,” shaking his head in that mock-pitying, passive-aggressive way.

  Julien placed his hand on my bare shoulder, and with those two in the room, that was as blatant a gesture as if he’d kissed me on the lips. “Because I had to work out who I actually was. I did exactly as expected, did everything by the book, fulfilled all expectations, but it was hollow. It wasn’t me. The pressure proved too much. It was that or killing myself, frankly.”

  “If you’d come to me, we could have found a less drastic solution…”

  “No solution to being gay.” Julien released a pent-up breath. “No amount of prayer will make that go away. It’s what I am. I’m in love with Chris, and I will not allow anybody to come between us again. He’s nonnegotiable. If my father can’t see this, then I’m sorry, but it’s his decision to put conditions on love—not mine.”

  I nodded. “Same.”

  My father didn’t like that, of course. We’d always had a fraught relationship—and how much was due to me not fitting in was anybody’s guess, though I was pretty sure that had been most of it. He’d disapproved of me and borne it all much like a cross. He’d made it about himself, not me at all. I couldn’t help him with that. Breaking things off with him and my mother had felt more liberating than anything else I’d done in my life—including stopping to attend Church.

  Julien sat up and rested one elbow on the table. “And for that matter, up until this morning, my parents didn’t know I was gay.”

  My father snorted.

  Julien glared at him. “What?”

  “All the time you spent around this one”—my father waved a hand at me—”it’s no—”

  “Nathaniel.” Bishop Campbell threw him a look that shut him up. Then, to Julien, he said, “There were concerns when you were a teenager that even though you were the model son, you might be…vulnerable to certain forms of sin.”

  Julien chuckled. “Is that a nice way of saying you thought I was going to turn gay if the ward didn’t collectively pray hard enough?”

  “No.” The bishop narrowed his eyes. “It’s a nice way of saying that some boys are more susceptible to this than others, and with certain influences…” He nodded toward me. “Well, they—”

  “You know what?” I pushed my chair back and stood. “I think we’re done here.” I threw back my drink like a shot and then put the glass down almost on top of the Bishop’s Book. “Let me show you two to the door.”

  Neither my father nor the Bishop moved.

  Bishop Campbell smiled up at me, that damned patronizing smile that had made me want to slug him during my confused, angry teenage years. “Chris. Sit down. We’re not out to—”

  “Quite honestly, I don’t care.” I put a hand on Julien’s shoulder, and he wrapped his arm around my legs. “Get out of my house.”

  My father stood, stabbing a finger at me. “Chris, we’re doing this for—”

  “For our own good. Yeah, yeah. Heard it before.” I glared at my father, hoping to God he didn’t see the abject terror that coursed through me as I faced down the one man who’d ever scared me. “Let me spell it out for you. You’ve got sixty seconds to be out of my apartment, or I’m calling the police.”

  The fury in my father’s expression vanished in favor of pure confusion. As if he didn’t even understand the words I’d spoken. “Chris, we’re not here to—”

  “Get. Out.”

  Bishop Campbell stayed seated, and that patronizing smile didn’t falter at all. “We’re trying to help Joshua fix—”

  “His name is Julien,” I snarled. “If you or his family really have any genuine desire to repair the damage, you can start by using his real goddamned name.”

  Julien ran his hand up and down the side of my leg. It was an entirely platonic gesture, probably to either reassure me or keep me calm, but it drew both my father and the bishop’s attention, and both scowled. Then they looked at each other, and Bishop Campbell stood.

  “You know the way out,” I said without looking at either of them.

  Bishop Campbell looked at me the way he had at the hospital, chin lifted slightly to create a difference in height, eyes narrow. “This is precisely why Joshua’s parents asked him to stay away from you, Chris. It isn’t because either one of you is gay. You are toxic to someone whose faith is—”

  “Maybe I wasn’t completely clear,” I said. “Get out of my house, or I’m calling the cops.”

  They made a retreat. It was relatively orderly, like they’d meant to leave, but we all knew differently. I really only cared about getting them away from us.

  I locked the door behind them and listened breathlessly for the door downstairs to open and then close. Only then did I slump against the door and slide halfway down. “Way to ruin the after-sex nap.”

  Julien smiled and crouched in front of me. “You okay?”

  “Almost. You?”

  “Apart from the impulse to grab my passport and run? Doing great.” He squeezed my shoulder. “But this time, I’d take you along. There are beautiful places we could travel to. Réunion. It’s a speck of an island just off the coast of Madagascar. One volcano, rainforest, white sandy beaches, water so blue it’s surreal. We’d tell everybody to go fuck themselves and be off.”

  I rubbed my face. “I swear when this is over,” if it ever is, “I need a vacation.”

  “Can be done.” He stood, stretched out a hand, and I took it and half pulled myself up, half let him do the work. I ended up in a tight embrace.

  “You know I’m proud of you, don’t you?”

  “One day, all that shit will get easier. It has to. Jesus.”

  He kissed me, and for a few moments, my head just wasn’t in it, but that feeling did eventually bleed away, and I calmed down. Skin against skin, we were suddenly enough again to fill the whole apartment and chase out the echoes of Bishop Campbell and my father. They had no business being here, and they sure as fuck wouldn’t take Julien from me.

  Though the fight wasn’t over. It never was, and we all knew it.

  But at least they were gone now, and it was just Julien and me.

  I drew back and ran my fingers through his hair. “Do you think you and your family can work it out?”

  “Eventually, maybe.” He caressed my cheek. “But they need to cool off and let it sink in that I’m gay.” He laughed quietly. “I guess they weren’t really ready for that bomb. Probably didn’t help matters any. But…” Holding my gaze, he sighed. “There wasn’t any way around it. They needed to know where I stood, and where I stand is with you.”

  I smiled, but I was at a loss for words, so I just pulled him back in to kiss me.

  Between light kisses, he murmured, “Do you have to work tonight?”

  “I’m on the schedule.” I slid my hands up his sides, letting my fingertips touch him just lightly enough to be ticklish. “But I’m one phone call away from a night off.”

  He gasped and grabbed my wrists, squirming against me. “Maybe you should go to work, if you’re not going to behave.”

  I laughed. “As if you don’t like it when I misbehave.”

  Julien laughed too. He released my wrists and wrapped his arms around me. “Good point.” Then he nudged me back a step, steering me toward the bedroom. “Maybe you should make that call.”

  Chapter Twenty-One

  I did make the call and stayed home with Julien. After a lazy afternoon of sex, talking, a long shower together, another long, lazy fuck and snoozing away half the day, we decided to get something to eat. We both knew damn well we’d never leave the house if we showered together, so we took separate ones. My water bill would suck this month, but it was so worth it.

  While Julien was getting dressed, I went into the kitchen. The Jack Daniels bottle was still on the counter, reminding me of the tense conversation that had happened here, but I quickly put it away and shoved aside all thoughts of that discussion.

  At the end of the hall, I could hear subtle sounds of movement. I liked that. He’d only been away for a week or so, but I’d already gotten used to him being here. To his presence and the sounds of him moving around, dressing, showering. It was so weird, how natural this felt. I kept forgetting that there was turmoil in our world right now, with the families and the Church and Death waiting in the wings outside his childhood home, because when we were here in my apartment, everything just felt so settled and normal.

  Julien came into the kitchen, his short, dark hair damp and his faded gray T-shirt slightly wrinkled but still gorgeous on him. He smiled and kissed me gently. “So where do you want to go? It’s on me tonight.”

  “Well, if it’s on you, I’d say the Space Needle.”

  He rolled his eyes. “Yeah, how about no?”

  “Cheapskate.”

  “Whatever.” I ran through the list of restaurants in my mind, but no particular name or cuisine crystallized, because my thoughts kept drifting to him. And us. And just…this. Being together, going out to eat like a normal couple.

  “You okay?” he asked. “You seem a little spacy.”

  “Oh. Yeah. I…” Right, like I could get anything past him. “Just thinking. About”—I gestured at him, then myself.

  His eyebrows rose. “Really? Anything in particular?”

  “Just, uh…” I chewed my lip. “Well, I mean, sooner or later, we’ll settle things with our families one way or another. And…then what?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean, what’s next?” I forced myself to look in his eyes. “Are you going back to the Legion, or…?”

  “I want to stay with you,” he said without hesitation. “Sooner or later, I’ll have to get a job, but no, I’m not going back.”

  “You’ll keep that identity?”

  “It’s me now. I’m not going back to being Joshua. There’s always Réunion. France. Anywhere in the Francophonie. But I’ll take you along.”

  No doubt or hesitation. His mind was made up, and I had no counterargument. If it came to it, I’d pack my stuff and leave with him. I’d fucking miss my city, Wilde’s, my friends, but it didn’t seem fair if he was willing to give everything up and I wasn’t. He wouldn’t drag me halfway around the world and leave me then. For better or worse, we were stuck together, and there was really no place I’d rather be than with him. We’d nail down the details. We’d come this far; there was no stopping us now. I was still worried about his family, but he didn’t exactly seem like he’d just change his mind and leave again.

  It hurt to see him estranged from his family, though. But he was right—it was their decision, not ours. Not his. The sin was in setting the ultimatum, not in responding to it. Lack of faith or homosexuality couldn’t be resolved with emotional blackmail. Eventually, even the most boneheaded people would catch on to that.

  “Let’s try that new pizza place on the corner.” It seemed like a good day for trying something new.

  “Great.” We grabbed our jackets against the drizzle outside and walked the hundred yards or so holding hands. That too felt completely natural, and it was Julien who grinned and pointed out we’d turned a couple heads. I hadn’t noticed at all.

  The pizzas were great, and we had two bottles of red with them, which meant we were halfway to drunk when we got back, after a couple hours spent chatting and laughing and sharing anecdotes from our childhood that we nevertheless remembered slightly differently, and filled in blanks where memory had faded.

  By now, it felt like he’d never been gone. He was more at ease than ever, and even that slight aloofness was now gone—really only cautious of how civilian life would welcome him. I made sure it welcomed him with wide open arms, so to speak.

  Maybe it was the wine and the heavy food, maybe it was just the exhaustion after another confrontation with Church and family, but we didn’t last much longer after we got back to my apartment. We climbed into bed, wrapped up in each other’s arms, and, after a gentle kiss good night, Julien drifted off beside me.

  I lay awake for a little while, listening to him breathe and running my fingers along his arm. This was so perfect. Whenever we were alone, it was just…perfect. That made it difficult to believe there was any chaos in our worlds right now or that anyone wanted this to stop.

  Our families wouldn’t relent any time soon. Anyone in Bishop Campbell’s flock could be incredibly persistent. I’d heard some other wards were like that, while others were decidedly more tolerant and forgiving. We’d just had the epic misfortune of winding up with that asshole as our spiritual leader. No wonder our ward had a high—and growing—attrition rate among the younger members.

  I closed my eyes and just savored Julien’s soft, steady breaths across the side of my neck. He’d mentioned going back to France. Getting the hell out of this place. Going back to a world where he was only Julien, and taking me with him.

  I’d never considered picking up and leaving to be an instantaneous decision, but lying here with him like this, I couldn’t help thinking if he asked me to go, I’d say yes.

  Without a second thought, I’d say yes.

  ~*~

  “I’m assuming you’re okay on your own tonight?” I reached back to buckle my cummerbund. “I don’t need to call a babysitter?”

  From across the kitchen, Julien threw me a playful glare and then laughed. “No. And there’s still a shitload in your Netflix queue that I haven’t watched yet, so I’ll be fine.”

  “Good.” I adjusted the cummerbund to make sure it was straight. “I’ll be home late. Don’t wait up.”

  He grinned. “Well, what fun is that?”

  I opened my mouth to answer, but right then, someone knocked at the front door.

  I groaned. “Seriously? What now?”

  Julien laughed dryly. “More of the cavalry, coming to save our souls.”

  “Ugh. Fuck that.”

  Another knock.

  I rolled my eyes. “Stay in here. I’ll get rid of them.”

  He just nodded and poured himself a cup of coffee.

  Fussing with my cummerbund, I left the kitchen and crossed the living room. I was so not in the mood for this tonight. I was in a good mood, damn it. After a nice, lazy day with Julien, I was ready for a fun evening at work and not more bullshit from people who refused to understand things. With an arsenal of get out, I’ll call the cops, and I appreciate the sentiment, but fuck off waiting on the tip of my tongue, I turned the dead bolt and pulled open the door.

  And stared.

  Across the threshold, Julien’s high school girlfriend smiled at me. She’d changed a lot since our teen years—her blonde hair was shorter, her face a little rounder, though that was probably related to the fact that she must’ve been about seven months along—but I recognized her immediately.

  “Hi, Chris.” Kelly brushed her bangs off her forehead. “The downstairs door was open, so I, um... listen, I heard Joshua is staying with you.” Her eyebrows pulled together. “Is it true?”

  I glanced over my shoulder, half expecting to see Julien in the kitchen doorway, but he was still out of sight. Turning back to Kelly, I nodded. “Yeah. He’s here.”

  She closed her eyes and exhaled. “Oh, thank you, Heavenly Father.”

  I swallowed. “You’re not…angry?” That didn’t even seem like the right word, but I couldn’t think of a better one, so it had to do.

  “I don’t know how I feel.” She shook her head. “I really don’t. But I heard that he was alive, and I needed to know. For sure.” She hesitated, then softly added, “I needed to see him for myself.”

  “Oh. Um.” I glanced back again. This time, Julien had materialized in the kitchen doorway, so I stood back and gestured for her to come in.

  His mouth fell open and the coffee cup in his hand almost fell before he steadied it with his other. “Kelly?”

  “Joshua.” She clasped her hands in front of her lips and stared at him. “You really are alive.”

  Julien nodded slowly. “I am.”

  For a long, long moment, they stared at each other in silence. I’d never felt like a third wheel around them when they’d dated years ago, but I felt awkwardly unnecessary just then. Like I needed to subtly make an exit and leave them to bury their hatchets and exorcise their ghosts.

  I was about to bow out when Kelly moved closer to Julien. Her expression didn’t give anything away, and neither did Julien’s. Then she reached for him and hugged him.

  Relief. Jealousy. Relief. I didn’t know which I felt more, but relief definitely won me over when I saw the same feeling written all over Julien’s face.

  When he drew back, Kelly touched his cheek.

  “I just needed to see you for myself,” she said. “I’m so glad you’re alive.”

  Silence fell again. Jealousy tried to elbow its way in, even though I was sure there was no reason for it. Julien was gay. Right? And anyway, Kelly was married. Didn’t mean they couldn’t be happy to see each other. Did it?

  “I, uh…” I cleared my throat and glanced at my watch. “I have to get to work. You guys are welcome to hang out here, though.”

  “Thank you,” Kelly said with a demure smile. “I won’t be long. I just”—she turned to Julien again—“needed to see him.”

  “Take your time,” I said and inched toward the door. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Julien.”

  I made a quick escape and headed over to Wilde’s, but my brain stayed right there with them. All through driving to the club, prepping my station and bullshitting with the guys, I felt like I still had one foot in my living room. What were they talking about? Did she know he’d cheated on her with me? Did she know he was gay? That I was gay? Well, I supposed she knew that part. It was the secret no one in the ward talked about but everyone knew about.

  What happened next? She’d always been a strong voice of reason in their relationship. One of two people in the world who could talk him down on that rare occasion when frustration got the best of him.

  I was that other person.