I didn’t even realise a tear had trickled down my cheek until I was finished changing and it had dripped onto my chin. I wiped it away with a sniff, then told Shay he could turn around. As soon as he did, he must’ve suspected I was upset because he strode forward and cupped my face in his hands. His eyes flicked back and forth between mine as though asking what was wrong. At that moment, I wanted to release all my worries and fears, tell him everything and let him carry some of the burden, but I couldn’t do that. It wasn’t in my nature to lean on another person because, whenever I’d tried to as a child, it backfired.

  I’d been fiercely independent my entire life as a result, but right then, all I really wanted was for Shay to stay there with me, to hold me and give me more of the soothing calm his presence always managed to instil. But I didn’t ask him to stay. The request made me feel too vulnerable, and I’d already felt vulnerable enough tonight as it was.

  Instead, I drew a shaky breath and told him, “It’s been a rough night. I should sleep.”

  Shay continued searching my eyes before he finally nodded and released me. I climbed into bed, pulling the covers up over myself. I fully expected to hear the door snick shut as he left, but that didn’t happen.

  He stayed.

  Shay sat and smoothed my hair away from my face, his fingers gentle, and I closed my eyes. Emotion swelled thick and heavy in my throat when he slipped off his shoes, then lowered onto the bed behind me. He didn’t get under the covers; instead, he laid on top of the duvet and wrapped his arms around me from behind.

  My heart didn’t know how to react. He’d been so careful and kind and protective of me that night, but holding me like that, just quietly being there, it was exactly what I needed but didn’t have the courage to ask for. And now, I was in serious danger of falling for him.

  The thought had a different kind of adrenaline coursing through me, and it was difficult to relax. I was thirty-one years old, but I’d never been in love. It wasn’t simply that I hadn’t allowed myself to fall for someone. I’d had a handful of boyfriends, but none of them made me feel like Shay did. None of them made my heart flutter. My whole body became warm and alive and electric when he looked at me.

  Eventually, I managed to close my eyes and slow my breathing, even while my heart continued to race.

  We stayed like that for a while, but I was feeling too many emotions to sleep. Then my stomach rumbled loudly, reminding me of how hungry I was. I’d skipped dinner because I was so busy helping prepare for the party.

  It was the second time my stomach had rumbled in front of Shay, and I was more than a little mortified. I turned my head and found him smiling fondly.

  “I skipped dinner,” I explained sheepishly, then turned back around.

  I felt his weight leave the bed and listened as he filled the kettle with water. Was he making me tea? God, how could I not fall for the man? Every little thing he did, every tiny gesture, stole another small piece of my heart.

  A few minutes later, he returned with a cup of tea and a slice of buttered toast. The simple kindness almost had tears springing forth again, but I managed to hold them back. Shay set the mug and plate on my bedside table, and I sat up.

  “Thanks,” I said quietly before taking a sip of tea. There was some sugar in it, which was exactly what I needed. A few moments of silence elapsed as I ate a bite of toast. The buttery carbs did a lot to soothe my frayed nerves. “I’m okay, though. You should get back to the party. Rhys might need you.”

  Shay didn’t look like he wanted to leave, and honestly, I didn’t want him to either, but I also didn’t want him abandoning his work just because of me. Even if a part of me did wish Mrs Reynolds’ party ended up being a disaster. But that was my vindictive side taking over, and I didn’t like being vindictive.

  Shay withdrew his phone and typed.

  “Are you sure? I can stay if you don’t want to be alone right now.”

  It was on the tip of my tongue to accept his offer to stay, but I knew that would be selfish. I didn’t want to be selfish with him. He’d already been so great taking care of me. It felt like too much to ask for any more than that.

  “You don’t need to stay. I’m just going to sleep.” I also needed to have a good, long cry, and I didn’t want Shay there to witness it. He probably already thought I was an emotional wreck, prone to tears whenever anything went wrong.

  He typed something else.

  “Will you come for dinner tomorrow?”

  Regretfully, I replied, “I can’t tomorrow. I promised Vivi I’d visit. Normally, I would’ve gone today, but I was working, helping Mrs Reynolds prepare for the party.”

  “That’s okay. Maybe next week,” he typed, and I nodded.

  “Definitely.”

  With that, he cupped my cheek again, his eyes searching mine before he kissed me chastely. My heart clenched when he rose to leave, and I almost changed my mind and asked him to stay as he headed for the door. When he reached it, he turned around and motioned to the lock. I nodded, knowing he was telling me to lock the door after him. He left, but I didn’t hear his footsteps walking away until I scurried over, sliding the lock into place. Then the steady thump of his boots sounded on the hardwood, and my chest fluttered knowing he’d waited to ensure the door was locked.

  Returning to bed, I finished my tea and toast, then switched off the lamp and burrowed under the covers.

  When I dreamed that night, it was of Shay.

  ***

  The next day, I’d just brought the kids back from a trip to the nearby park when Delia motioned me into the study. The room was lined with dusty bookshelves. Old newspapers and magazines Ken collected were stacked high on every available surface. In my line of work, I noticed dirt and dust more than the average person. I could tell approximately how long it had been since a house was last cleaned or if it was the sort of place that was rarely cleaned, which was the case with Ken’s study. Then again, some people enjoyed clutter. They found it cosy.

  “I was hoping we could talk,” Delia said as she shut the door, and I began to worry. The only reason she’d close the door and speak in such a hushed tone was if there was something wrong with one of the kids.

  But then she continued, “I had a call the other day from the Dóchas Centre,” and my stomach dropped. It wasn’t about one of the kids being sick. It was about something that might actually be worse. Much worse.

  My mother.

  The Dóchas Centre was the nearby women’s prison where she’d been residing for the last eight years. No one had heard from Mam in all those years, and I’d naively thought she’d decided to let us all get on with our lives and forget about her.

  “It was Catherine,” Delia confirmed, and I instantly felt sick, panic and dread threatening to drown me. It was hard enough keeping her out of my head on the best of days. She always found some way to break through, especially when I looked at myself in the mirror and saw her staring back at me. Why did I have to look so much like her? Why couldn’t I have taken after my nameless father instead?

  “W-what did she want?” I asked, finally finding my voice.

  “Goodness, Maggie. You look like you’ve seen a ghost,” Delia declared.

  Yes, I might as well have. “What did she want?” I repeated.

  Delia wrung her hands, her attention wandering to the dusty shelves then back to me. “She wants to see the children. She asked if I’d bring them to visit her for Christmas.”

  “Oh. Right,” I said, trying to still my pounding heart. I should’ve known that was coming, should’ve known she’d eventually become curious about the kids and want to see how they were doing. It wasn’t my place to prevent her, no matter how much I might want to. I was protective over them, and I knew seeing Mam could destabilise the kids in a way that might disrupt the decent life they had. I wanted to shield them from that more than anything, but they weren’t my children, and I didn’t have the power to stop them seeing their mother. Besides, just because I had no desire to see her, that didn’t mean Vivi, Robbie, Shelly or Eamonn might not be interested. The thought of them wanting to see her made me feel ill, but I had to accept it was a possibility.

  “I’ve never been inside a prison before,” Delia continued. “I told your mother as much on the phone, said I wouldn’t be comfortable going there. Ken isn’t prepared to go either.” A pause as she eyed me. “We were wondering if you’d do it.”

  I blinked at her, hoping I’d misheard. “You want me to take them?”

  “Well, she is your mother, too, after all. I’m sure you’ve been to see her over the years.”

  “No,” I said. “I haven’t. I’d planned to hopefully never be in the same room as that woman ever again.”

  “Well, I—”

  “I’m sorry, Delia, but I won’t do it. I go out of my way to be there for the children, but this is asking too much.”

  Panic and anxiety mingled within me, growing larger by the second. Suddenly, the dusty, cluttered study felt stifling. I needed to get out of there. Pushing open the door, I stumbled out into the hall and headed for the front door. I was almost at the garden gate when I heard someone come out after me.

  “Maggie,” Vivi called. “Wait!”

  I turned, finding her blue eyes bright and emotional. She knew. She knew Mam wanted to see her. “Did Delia talk to you about visiting Mam?” she asked, and there was so much vulnerability in her voice it almost broke me.

  “Yes.”

  “And are you going to take us? I told Delia I could bring the little ones, but there needs to be someone over eighteen to sign us in.”

  “Do you want to see her?” I asked. Some part of me imagined Vivi would want to visit Mam about as much as I did, but maybe I was wrong. In fact, I knew I was when I saw the hopeful look in her eyes. She wasn’t like me, not yet. She still had some faith our mother could be redeemed.

  I hated she was going to be gravely disappointed on that front, hated knowing one day the hope in my little sister’s eyes would die, leaving nothing but an empty space behind.

  The absence of a parent’s love could never be filled with other things. It just sat there, forever vacant, no matter how much happiness you might find in other places. No matter how many new people might love you. You still yearned for the original love, the love that should’ve automatically been there but just wasn’t.

  Vivi pulled at a loose thread on her cardigan. “I just thought, well, maybe it would be good to see her. It’s been such a long time, and I … I miss her.”

  I swallowed thickly, pushing down all my feelings as I stepped forward and threw my arms around Vivi’s small shoulders. There were so many things I wanted to say to her. Like, Don’t you understand what she did? The lives she ruined and stole? Families destroyed? She can never love you, not like you want her to. Believe me, I’m a cautionary tale.

  But I didn’t say any of that. Vivi had to come to the realisation on her own. If I tried to force it, I’d only succeed in pushing her away.

  “I’ll take you, then,” I said even while everything inside of me screamed it was a bad idea. I’d been doing so well to maintain a balance in my life, and seeing Mam could disrupt that entirely. It might plunge me back into the horrible past I’d tried to forget. But I needed to be strong. For my little sisters and brothers, I would be.

  Vivi’s face practically lit up. “You will?”

  “I’d do anything for you,” I said and squeezed her tight. “Never forget that.”

  When I left, I walked aimlessly. I didn’t even realise where I was going until I found myself on Shay’s doorstep. It was late evening, and I couldn’t see any lights on in the living room. His dad’s car wasn’t parked outside either, which meant they’d probably gone out somewhere.

  I pressed the doorbell anyway and, to my surprise, heard footsteps coming down the stairs. Shay answered the door, his hair messy and his eyes a little bleary.

  Had he been taking a nap?

  He wore a sheepish expression, like he was sorry for looking dishevelled. Sometimes, I found it so attractive how unaware he was of his own handsomeness. And I felt desperate. Knowing I was going to see my mother had a lot of negative emotions bubbling up in me. Emotions I urgently needed a distraction from.

  Acting on instinct, I stepped close to him and threw my arms around his neck.

  “I need you,” I blurted, then planted my lips on his.

  A sharp breath hitched in his throat. He obviously hadn’t been expecting me to kiss him, but I wasn’t lying. I did need him. I needed him more than ever.

  “Is your dad home?” I asked, breathless, momentarily breaking the kiss. Shay shook his head and relief filled me as I pushed the door shut behind us. “Let’s go to your room.”

  His eyes were full of questions, but I didn’t let him think about it too hard because I kissed him again. Suddenly, he was lifting me, his mouth never leaving mine as he carried me upstairs. Moments later, I was on his bed, and he was above me. I wrestled with the fly of his jeans before sliding my hand in and cupping his warm, thick length. He was rock hard, and a zing of electricity zipped through me to be able to affect him so.

  “Make love to me, Shay,” I breathed.

  15.

  Shay

  It was … a struggle. One part of me was eager to give Maggie exactly what she asked for, but the other part knew something was off with her. That wasn’t like her. She didn’t throw herself at me like that.

  I could feel her desperation, thick and heavy. Something was wrong. I heaved a gust of breath when her hand closed around my throbbing erection. I willed myself to break the kiss, but then she was pumping up and down, and I lost my last few brain cells. I kept kissing her, pure instinct, our tongues colliding, breaths quickening. I needed her, had been wanting her for weeks, but not like that. Not when she was clearly going through something.

  Finally, I summoned the power to break away.

  “What’s wrong?” she breathed, lying on my bed like the sexiest, most tempting vision I’d ever seen. I couldn’t allow myself to give in, though. I moved away, quickly doing my jeans back up. She sat and reached for me, her delicate fingers closing around mine, and her blue eyes shining, begging. “Please, Shay, just help me to forget.”

  Stepping away from the bed, I went to find my phone. “Something’s wrong. You’re upset,” I typed, the app voice playing through the speaker. “What happened?”

  Some kind of shame coloured her features as she lowered her eyes to the floor. She exhaled heavily. “It’s been a rough day.” A joyless laugh fell from her lips. “A rough few days, I guess, but today was bad.” There was a quiver in her voice, and it made me want to wrap her in my arms and kiss her until everything was better again. But that would only lead to a place I wasn’t prepared to go, not when she was like that.

  I returned to the bed, sitting next to her when I asked, “Do you want to talk about it?”

  Her eyes met mine. “No, I don’t.” She paused, her voice lowering to an embarrassed whisper, “I want you to fuck me so hard I don’t have to think about it anymore.”

  Her low, whispered words had blood rushing south, my cock throbbing painfully, but I wouldn’t let my baser instincts lead me. Maggie was too important and too vulnerable right then. I refused to take advantage of her, even if she said she wanted it, even if she begged.

  Reaching out, I caught her chin, meeting her gaze with a sober expression. Lowering my hand, I typed, “I won’t have sex with you. Not if there’s a chance you’ll regret it afterwards.”

  Her eyelids turned heavy, a tendril of desire in her expression. “I would never regret sleeping with you, Shay. Not when I …”

  She quieted, her eyes wide like she’d been about to say something she hadn’t intended. Several beats of silence passed.

  “Not when you what?” I typed, but she didn’t continue.

  Instead, she shook her head. “Never mind. I’m sorry for coming here and throwing myself at you. This is so embarrassing, not to mention inappropriate. Your father could’ve been home.”

  “You don’t ever have to be embarrassed with me, Maggie,” I typed, wanting to ask her again what she’d been about to say, but then she said, “My mam wants my siblings to visit her.”

  Her mam? I suddenly realised, though Maggie had said her mother was still alive, she’d never told me where she was exactly, nor why she no longer had custody of her young children.

  “Their foster parents don’t want to bring them to her, so they asked me, and I really don’t want to do it. I haven’t seen her since before she was sent down, but then Vivi asked if I’d take her because she misses Mam, and I just couldn’t say no to her.”

  “Sent down?” I typed, trying to cover my surprise. Maggie’s mother was in prison?

  Her throat moved as she swallowed, then nodded. “She’s been in the women’s section at Mountjoy for eight years. She … she and her partner, Darren, committed a spate of burglaries to fund their drinking and drugs habit. One night, they were being chased by the Gards after breaking into a house and stealing a bunch of cash and Christmas presents.” She paused, running a hand over her face like it was difficult to recount the story. She cleared her throat, and I could tell it took effort to speak steadily. Her tone turned factual, like she was trying hard to keep her emotions at bay.

  “You probably know some people intentionally drive the wrong way down the motorway when being chased. Often, the Gardaí won’t keep following because it’s so dangerous and could cause a serious collision. They’d stopped following Mam and Darren, but it was already too late. They crashed into an oncoming truck, and two cars behind got caught up in the collision. The truck driver was okay, but a mother and daughter in the second vehicle were killed, and three others suffered horrendous injuries. Darren died on impact, too, but Mam managed to emerge with only minor injuries.”

  Maggie’s voice broke as she told me all this, the factual tone gone, and I could hear her pain. It was visceral. So much so I felt it in the centre of my chest, a piercing ache. My gut twisted just imagining her hearing the news of the carnage her mother had caused. How awful she must’ve felt.