Copyright

  First published in Great Britain by HarperCollins Children’s Books in 2021

  Published in this ebook edition in 2021

  HarperCollins Children’s Books is a division of HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd,

  1 London Bridge Street

  London SE1 9GF

  www.harpercollins.co.uk

  HarperCollinsPublishers

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  Dublin 4, Ireland

  Text and illustrations copyright © Lauren Child 2021

  Cover design copyright © HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd 2021

  Lauren Child asserts the moral right to be identified as the author and illustrator of the work respectively.

  A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

  Designed by Goldy Broad

  All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this ebook onscreen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins.

  Source ISBN: 9780008470845

  Ebook Edition © October 2021 ISBN: 9780008470852

  Version: 2021-10-21

  For

  Uncle Michael,

  Aunty Jen,

  Sally, Stephen,

  Susie and

  Seaside Granny

  Contents

  Cover

  Title Page

  Copyright

  Dedication

  The Beginning of Things

  One: Christmas is Coming the Goose is Getting Fat

  Two: Goodwill to All Peoplekind

  Three: Glad Tidings of Great Joy

  Four: Hark Hear the Bells

  Five: Joy to the World

  Six: Merrily on High

  Seven: Christmas Tree Oh Christmas Tree

  Eight: Deck the Halls with Boughs of Holly

  Nine: Sing Choirs of Angels

  Ten: In the Bleak Midwinter

  Eleven: It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas

  Twelve: Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

  The End of Things

  Christmas Songs Adapted by Clarice Bean

  More Exceptionordinarily Good Books by Lauren Child

  About the Publisher

  The Beginning of Things

  One thing we all agree on in our

  house is that we like looking forward

  to Christmas.

  My favourite song for this time of the year is

  ‘The Twelve Days of Christmas’.

  I’m not sure exactly what it is about.

  I used to think it was Christmas shopping,

  but Betty Moody says it’s to do with

  the twelve days AFTER Christmas.

  But why would someone give you

  ALL those presents when it is all OVER?

  And why would they give you

  so many BIRDS?

  It might be to do with

  the Christmas sales

  but Betty says they

  DIDN’T have sales in the

  olden days.

  When Christmas begins I sing

  ‘The Twelve Days of Christmas’

  ALL THE TIME

  but I tend not to know

  what comes AFTER

  the seven swans

  are swimming.

  Talking of seven, we are also seven in our family.

  Which is:

  my mum and my dad,

  my older brother, Kurt,

  my older sister, Marcie,

  Me, Clarice Bean,

  my grandad, who is an actual live-in older relative,

  and my younger brother,

  Minal Cricket.

  If we were like those families in the books, we would look like THIS,

  all nicely sitting down, listening to each other in a smiling way – like you see

  on the Christmas cards.

  But usually, actually, we look more like THIS . . .

  which is talking

  or

  NOT talking

  all at the same time

  from different

  rooms.

  I live on Navarino Street,

  number 7, and I know LOTS

  of the people in our road.

  At Christmastime there is

  more helloing

  and this is because of the

  Christmas spirit.

  Christmas cannot be Christmas

  without the Christmas spirit

  so it is IMPORTANT to

  keep an eye on it and

  NOT let it float away.

  ONE

  Christmas is Coming the Goose is Getting Fat

  You can tell when it’s getting to be Christmas because Mum gets out the Christmas-elf tea towels. We have three of them although we used to have four. Granny sent them to us – they are from New York and along the bottom in embroidery writing they say, ‘Think Like Elves’. We have special Christmas water glasses too, which have reindeers leaping up the sides. They are very old. No one must break them because they are heirlooms of the family and very much the spirit of Christmas.

  Every year Dad says, ‘We drank from these glasses when I was a SMALL child and NOT one of them has ever been dropped.’

  This makes me very actually nervous.

  There are only six so not quite enough to go round but Grandad says he’s happy with a less valuable water glass as he suffers from the collywobbles, which basically means he is liable to drop a glass at any moment.

  The other thing which usually happens is that we all tend to bake ginger biscuits, which are decorated with icing. They are sort of chewy and not necessarily that nice unless you are in the mood. But I don’t mind a not-that-nice biscuit because it is another sign that

  Christmas is coming.

  Something you may also notice is they send you electricity bills with holly printed on the envelope, and cards from people who you can’t remember who they are.

  If I come downstairs to hear Mum saying,

  ‘Who are Beryl and Terrance?’

  and Dad saying,

  ‘I haven’t even a clue,’

  then I know that

  Christmas

  has

  begun.

  Actually we never know who

  Beryl and Terrance are.

  I’m beginning to wonder if

  they even know us.

  Also we don’t know who

  J and P and W (Farrell) are,

  even though they always write in the card

  ‘really enjoyed bumping into you this summer’

  or

  ‘W is doing really well with his clarinet’.

  Once the Christmas cards begin to arrive, we arrange them on the kitchen table and Mum always says,

  ‘It’s so lovely to think of all these people

  from all these far-off places taking the trouble

  to write and send us good cheer.’

  And then when more come through the letterbox we line them up along the living-room shelves and then along the kitchen shelves

  and Mum says,

  ‘Look at that – the spirit of Christmas!’

  And then when even more come we crowd them on the window ledges and always a few of them fall into the washing-up.

  And Mum says, ‘These cards are a

  blimming nuisance.’

  But really there is nowhere else to put them so it is unavoidable that some end up in the sink.

  We used to peg them up on a string across the kitchen but then one year some of them decided to fall into the stir-fry and they got set on fire, and it could have been much worse if Kurt hadn’t thrown a dampened cloth over the wok.

  My Uncle Ted, who is in the fire brigade, told us our Christmas cards were a fire hazard waiting to happen.

  He was right, and we were lucky not to lose more than the Christmas-elf tea towel.

  He said, ‘You just cannot have Christmas cards

  dangling

  over naked flames.

  What were

  you thinking?’

  Everyone looked sheepish. So now there is a strict law in our house about cards – when too many arrive through the letterbox all the ugly ones get shuffled into

  the recycling.

  I say, ‘Mum, you do know you are throwing people’s Christmas spirit in the actual dustbin?’ And Mum whispers,

  ‘Whatever you do, don’t tell anyone!’

  * * *

  The shops will try to make you believe Christmas is arriving in October, but Mum says you must ignore them. She says,

  ‘Could they just let me carve

  my pumpkin, for goodness’ sake!

  We haven’t even had Halloween yet!’

  Some people even send their cards in November, which is too early since Christmas can’t really begin until the 1st of December.

  December the 1st is when you can start opening

  the TINY DOORS on the Advent calendar

  and from then on . . .

  Mind you, this year we don’t even have an Advent calendar because Mum decided we would instead have an Advent candle, which is basically a candle with numbers up it.

  She said,
<
br />   ‘It will bring more togetherness

  to our home because we will

  light it every evening

  as a family during supper.’

  We have to burn it down one notch at a time and then blow it out, which is not as interesting as opening a TINY DOOR.

  But Granny told me you can use it to make a Christmas wish every time you blow it out, which means twenty-four wishes. I’m going to wish for snow and if I do it twenty-four times in a row it will probably work even though Dad says the weather people say there’s not even a smidge of a chance this year.

  Grandad says, ‘It’s going to be blowing a gale and it’s going to be nothing but gales.’

  Grandad knows about weather because he was brought up with it.

  Most people have those Advent calendars with chocolate animals to surprise you, but these have been banned in our house because some people kept eating other actual people’s animals and this led to complaints. Because I’m missing having a true Advent calendar made of paper, I’ve made my own one and I’ve drawn little pictures for each day. I’m trying to surprise myself by forgetting what is behind the TINY doors . . .

  So far I have not been fooled.

  * * *

  Usually we have Christmas at home. I think this is because Mum hates packing and Dad says it is too much effort to get seven people and a dog in a car all at the same time.

  This year Mum says she fancies a quietish Christmas where nothing much happens. She says, ‘Let’s just be the seven of us.’

  But some of us prefer things to be more than seven, so I am a bit disappointed by this announcement. You see, I really like the Christmases when lots of people come, and when lots of people stay.

  I thought we all did but it turns out Mum and Dad are feeling exhausted by the thought of it. I’m not sure how you can be exhausted by a thought, but this seems to be something which happens to you when you get older.

  I know this because when Marcie asks, ‘Why can’t everyone come?’

  Mum says, ‘Just thinking about it . . .’

  She doesn’t even finish her sentence – she just flumps down on the chair.

  And Dad shakes his head and says, ‘Exactly.’

  And Mum says, ‘I feel exhausted already.’

  Kurt says, ‘But it’s no fun if everyone isn’t here.’

  Everyone is surprised by this because Kurt normally doesn’t bother with fun. He just spends all his time in his room with headphones on.

  Marcie says, ‘It will just be totally boring if it’s only us.’

  Minal says, ‘Yes, let’s have everyone!’

  Dad says, ‘If you four are prepared to do all the shopping and all the cooking, then fine – ask as

  many people as you like.’

  I say,

  ‘Thanks, we will.’

  Marcie and Kurt stomp off to their rooms and Minal says,

  Which, by the way, he is not.

  My brother can’t do headstands.

  I say, ‘OK, I will do everything.’

  Dad says, ‘I’ll write you out a shopping list.’

  Mum says, ‘The recipe books are on the shelf next to the fridge.’

  Dad says, ‘How many people are you thinking of inviting?’

  I say, ‘Twelve.’

  I say twelve because I’ve got the song of ‘The Twelve Days of Christmas’ stuck in my brain. It’s like there are people singing it inside my actual head and I can’t stop them.

  Mum says, ‘So twelve plus the seven of us

  makes nineteen in all.

  How many potatoes will you need to cook,

  I wonder?’

  Dad says, ‘At least four per person – are you inviting Uncle Ted?’

  I say, ‘Of course – he is the main one.’

  Dad says, ‘Well, Ted always eats extra and it’s nice to have some left over for Boxing Day . . . so better make it six each plus a few for the pot.’

  I can’t even work out what 19 x 6 is – let alone how much a few for the pot comes to. I am busy trying to do the times-ing but then Dad says,

  ‘One hundred and fourteen potatoes

  plus about six more!’

  I say, ‘How am I going to peel

  one hundred and fourteen potatoes

  plus six more?’

  Mum says, ‘You’ll just have to get up early.’

  Dad says, ‘I suggest five a.m.’

  I’m not really an early rising sort of person, and I go up to my room feeling strangely tired. I’m beginning to understand how a thought can actually wear you out since just thinking about counting out one hundred and fourteen plus six potatoes has made me need to lie down.

  If I’m this tired just thinking about peeling potatoes, then how will I feel after I have actually done them? I expect I won’t have the energy to talk or cook a turkey or maybe even to watch telly. I decide it’s useless to try to make Christmas more than seven.

  Slowly I am feeling the Christmas spirit

  evaporating out of me.

  TWO

  Goodwill to All Peoplekind

  In the middle of the night at 5am while I am still awake worrying about the evaporating Christmas spirit, I begin to see how it is more important than ever to spread goodwill to all peoplekind, since we won’t now be peeling potatoes for them.

  If we are not going to be sharing our Christmas spirit on the actual day of Christmas, then at least I can post some through the letterbox.

  I’m going to need a LOT more cards than usual.

  I always make my own cards. Mum says it is more personal this way and ‘so much better than just going to the shop and buying them off the rack’. This is very easy for her to say because she is not the one working herself down to the fingers.

  Normally I tend to leave the making to the last minute because there is so much else to do. This can have a benefit because you can see who sent you a card, and you can see who didn’t, which means you don’t have to find yourself sending cards to people who don’t bother sending one to you. Although when I explained this to Mum she said that strictly speaking this is not in the Christmas spirit.

  She told me, ‘You should post cards

  to anyone and everyone – it doesn’t

  matter if you don’t get one back.’

  This must be what Beryl and Terrance have decided because we never send them one back – we can’t! We don’t know their address!

  I have decided to be influenced by Beryl and Terrance and I’m going to make cards for all the neighbours in our street even if I don’t know them. I will also send one to the corner shop, one to the post-office-convenient store, one to the vegetarian organic shop which is Eggplant and maybe also the vet’s because Dad says we need to keep in with them.

  Mum says generosity can have a good effect on bad relationships so I will also make cards for people who don’t like me.

  This means Mrs Stampney.

  Mrs Stampney lives next door and will not

  return a Frisbee if it lands in her garden.

  I prefer to make my Christmas cards on the floor of my bedroom - though nowadays I steer clear of the carpet because of a felt-tip incident.

  I used to like drawing a shape in glue and

  pouring glitter all over it – glitter makes

  everything instantly better than it was.

  But my brother Kurt says

  glitter is a HAZARD to fish.

  He says it gets into the oceans and causes problems and you wouldn’t believe how many fish are eating glitter these days.

  You wouldn’t think something so SMALL could cause problems to something so big, i.e. the sea.

  But Kurt is an environmentalist and he knows about these things.

  So now I’m trying to come up with other ways of creating the Christmas effect without making fish eat glitter.

  The question is I need a good idea. I’ve been STRETCHING my brain to think how I can make cards out of something that causes less upset in the ocean. It needs to be something which doesn’t cost any money, so it has to be something I’ve already got.

  Minal says, ‘Why don’t you use macaroni?’

  That’s his answer to everything and he has got everyone to buy tonnes of it, and now Mum says he’s going to have to make a lot more jewellery or we’ll never get through it.

  I say, ‘I’m not going to stick old dried-up food on my cards, thank you very much.’