James flinched. “Even if I do, what would it change?”

  “You tell me.”

  Silence. More long, tense, uncomfortable silence.

  “For what it’s worth,” James said after a while, “I’ve never stopped wanting you. Never.”

  “You said that. And I believe you.”

  “Still. I don’t want you to think this is because of you.” He set his jaw. “It isn’t. I want…”

  “You know I would never try to get between you and your wife, right?”

  “Absolutely. I wouldn’t have you on my security detail if I didn’t trust you. In every way.” James swallowed hard. “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be.” Kent resisted the urge to reach for his arm—even the most platonic physical contact wouldn’t be reassuring in this context. “We both know damn well we’re better off as friends.”

  A subtle wince worked its way into James’s features and then vanished. “I know.”

  They held each other’s gazes.

  After a while, James turned to go, and Kent was alone on the deck again, just like he had been last night after he and Carlene had talked.

  He exhaled. Time and again, he’d told himself—and James—that they were better off as friends, but every time he’d watched James walk away, it hurt a bit more. Today was no exception. Though he’d never do a thing to break up James’s family or take him from his wife, it hurt.

  Kent thumbed a loose piece of wood on the railing. He could usually force back the bitter regret and remind himself that things had worked out for the best. The sting of seeing James’s gold wedding ring had faded years ago, and he’d talked himself into accepting the sight of Carlene by her husband’s side. Once in a while, he even believed this was how things were meant to be. Sometimes, though, that regret surfaced, and that was what it did now, bubbling up in the back of his mind and making him wish he could change the past.

  Yeah, they’d given a relationship a shot in their younger days, and it had blown up in their faces. And yeah, he’d rather have James as a friend than an estranged ex-boyfriend.

  But after they’d been separated, and Kent was on his way home from that mission full of close calls, he’d vowed to persuade James to give it one more try. They were older then. More mature. More aware of their own mortality and things that were more important than when and where they’d get drunk. This time, when he saw James again, he’d tell him he loved him and hope like hell that James felt the same.

  He’d stepped off the plane, exhausted and jetlagged, and James had been there, and Kent had almost forgotten about DADT and military bearing and all that. What little restraint he’d had left went into keeping that first embrace from turning into a long-overdue kiss.

  “God, it’s good to see you.”

  “It’s good to see you too. Kent, this is Carlene…”

  Two months later, Kent had stood beside James in dress whites and watched James and his future First Lady tie the knot.

  In the present, Kent cursed under his breath.

  And he caught himself wishing that Carlene was right—that sex with him was the answer to James’s problems.

  But he was starting to think his presence was only going to make things worse.

  Chapter Five

  A week after Carlene left Camp David, the limousine came to a gentle stop in the White House’s North Portico, between the iconic pillars and the front steps.

  Not a moment too soon, either. The kids had been wonderful for the entire trip, but after traveling all day long with the requisite crises of ears popping, drinks spilling, turbulence, a lost toy and a lot of tears, everyone was exhausted. Why did she resist hiring a nanny again? She really needed to do something about that.

  Thank God for Blake and Steve, two of the Secret Service guys who were absolute saints with children. Blake had pretty much dealt with Justin all day while Steve had been on Natalie detail, leaving Carlene free to take care of Joey’s ears and tears. Those two would be getting expensive bottles of something for Christmas, policies be damned.

  In the shadow of the huge pillars, staff members busied themselves unloading luggage from the back of the limo. The Secret Service saints helped Carlene herd the groggy kids up the marble stairs and into the massive foyer, and she couldn’t remember ever being so thankful to be back in this place. The poor kids needed to rest, and now they finally could.

  She thanked Blake and Steve profusely, then turned to the kids. “All right, everyone up to—”

  “Daddy!” the three of them squealed in unison, and suddenly the lethargic trio found a second wind. They bolted across the room to the stairs.

  And there was James.

  He jogged down the steps and knelt, arms out, and let the kids bowl him over.

  Carlene’s chest tightened at the sight of him—what had gone on this past week?—but she had to smile as he greeted the kids. The presidency had taken its toll on James and on their marriage, but God bless the man, he’d done everything in his power to be a good father.

  While he hugged the kids and listened to them chatter over the top of each other, she just watched him. He must’ve been dealing with some official business just before they’d arrived. She could always tell when he hadn’t had any downtime yet because his tie was still tight. He hated ties, hated the “hangman tightness” as he called it, and always jumped at the first opportunity to slide the knot down a little for some breathing room.

  “You guys all had fun, right?”

  The kids nodded vigorously.

  “Good.” James tousled Justin’s hair. “Okay, everybody go upstairs and unpack, and if Mom says it’s okay, maybe we can squeeze in some Mario Kart before bed.”

  Three sets of eyes were suddenly fixed on Carlene. Four, including James.

  “Can we play, Mom?” Joey asked.

  James raised his eyebrows, and a playful smile formed.

  In spite of all the questions and worries weighing on her, she couldn’t help feeling that familiar tingle when he smiled. Or laughing when his eyes added to the little row of “Please, Mom, can we?” in front of him.

  “I want suitcases unpacked first,” she said. “After that, it’s up to your dad.”

  Immediately, the kids came down and grabbed the tiny suitcases that they could carry, and then rushed past James, nearly knocking him flat as they thundered up the stairs.

  Laughing, James rose, and as he did, he finally tugged at that knot at his throat. He slid it down, and when it unraveled, he let it hang without pulling it completely off.

  Then their eyes met. His laughter faded. Carlene struggled to hold her smile as she held his gaze, and that effort hurt like hell.

  When did things change between us?

  He let go of his tie and came closer, and when his hand met her waist, her whole body seemed to twinge and tingle at the same time, as if her senses didn’t know what to make of him anymore.

  “It’s good to see you,” he whispered.

  Carlene swallowed. “You too.”

  He hesitated, and for a moment, she thought he might let her go and disappear upstairs with the kids, but instead he drew her in and kissed her. A hundred different feelings rushed through her. Relief that he was here. Nerves over what would happen now that they were in the same place again. That little thrill she always got when she touched him. That certainty that things were about to go south.

  When he drew back, her heart jumped into her throat. There was so much they needed to talk about. She needed to know—and didn’t want to know—what had happened in her absence, and if James was any closer to sane than before she’d left.

  But not out here. Not with staff members and Secret Service milling around.

  Evidently, James either didn’t want to talk about it or didn’t want to do it out in the open, because he didn’t bring it up. Instead, he slipped his hand into hers, and in silence, they went up the stairs and followed the noise of the kids settling back into their rooms.

  “Think they’ll have enough energy to play games tonight?” he asked.

  “I doubt it.”

  He chuckled. “Me too. But maybe for a little while.”

  “Okay. I need to go unpack anyway.” She smiled and nodded toward the kids’ rooms. “Even if they’re tired, they’ll want to spend time with their dad.” She struggled to hold the smile. “They missed you.”

  “I missed them.” James stopped, and without thinking about it, she did too. He faced her and touched her cheek. “I missed you.”

  “I missed you too,” she whispered.

  Nothing in James’s expression betrayed anything. He was never easy to read by any means—probably as much a result of his personality as his SEAL training—but she’d learned his subtle tics and cues.

  This time, though, he offered nothing. No anger. No guilt. No hint about what had or hadn’t happened in her absence. Nothing.

  After a moment, he cleared his throat and took a step back. “I’d better check on the kids. Make sure they’re doing what they’re told.”

  She forced a smile. “Okay.”

  They held each other’s gazes and then continued in separate directions. Carlene reminded herself that there was time. They didn’t have to hash everything out this instant—she needed to decompress from the trip, and he needed to see his kids.

  They would talk. After the kids had spent some time with their dad, after he’d taken them through their bedtime routine, there’d be time for him and Carlene to talk. Behind closed doors, preferably. She and James weren’t opposed to the kids seeing them argue or even fight—it was good for them to understand that Mom and Dad didn’t always see eye to eye, and that everything would be okay once the disagreement was over. She wasn’t so sure about this, though. She and James weren’t fighting. They weren’t really disagreeing on anything. This was something she didn’t know how to process, never mind explain to a kindergartener.

  So for now, she’d get herself unpacked and showered, and she’d leave James to the role he filled best of all—Dad.

  Chapter Six

  Washington was one of those cities that never slept, and it was never completely quiet. More often than not, the distant sounds of overnight road construction, traffic and occasional gunfire peppered the night.

  None of it ever really bothered James. He’d slept in worse places.

  Tonight, though, it was the silence that unnerved him. The city’s usual noise existed in the background, but here on the second floor of the White House, in the master bedroom, where James sat alone and stared out the window, he could’ve heard a beetle blink.

  After just one round of Mario Kart, the kids were done for the night, so he’d put them to bed. When he’d returned to the bedroom he shared with Carlene, she wasn’t here. Her phone was on the nightstand, so there was no point in texting or calling. Chances were she didn’t want to be reached anyway.

  So James had numbly fucked around on his phone and tried to pass the time, but he couldn’t even concentrate on simple, silly games, and he didn’t dare read the news. Now he sat here, waiting and wondering. Maybe she just needed some time to herself after a day of traveling with the kids. He knew all too well how draining that could be—they were good kids, but being herded around by Secret Service agents and dodging cameras at every turn was exhausting for anybody, especially little ones. By the end of a trip, the poor things could barely move most of the time, and their mother was usually dragging too.

  Guilt gnawed at him as it had been doing for the last several days. He wished like hell he could be more useful during those trips, but more often than not, even when they traveled together, he was being hauled in a completely different direction while Carlene wrangled the kids. When he was out of office, he owed that woman diamonds, cruises, a cabin in the woods—anything she wanted was hers, because God knew she’d given up more for him than he had any right to ask.

  Including, he realized as the guilt chewed deeper, giving up her place in their bed even though it must have been killing her. Especially when she was offering that place to Kent. Anyone else in the world, she might’ve been able to take it. But not him. And yet…

  James sighed.

  Right then, the handle on the door turned, and the soft creak of the hinges straightened his spine. He stood, and as she came in, the sight of her made his mouth water and his stomach twist. He’d missed her, and he’d been terrified she wouldn’t be here when he came back, but now here she was, and he had no idea what was going to happen next.

  Carlene closed the door behind her.

  James cleared his throat. “It, um, sounds like the kids had a good week.”

  “They did.”

  Did you?

  “They’re already asleep,” he said. “At least, they were when I left their rooms.”

  A small smile struggled to form on her lips. “They are. I checked on them just before I came in here.”

  “Good. Good.”

  Carlene came a little closer. “I’m surprised they had any energy left.”

  “You know how they are.” He offered a tight half shrug. “When they haven’t seen one of us in a few days.”

  That faint smile vanished, and she dropped her gaze. He didn’t know how to fill the silence, and apparently neither did she, aside from a murmur of, “I need to take out my contacts.”

  She disappeared into the bathroom. James sighed. In silence, they went through the motions of getting ready for bed. When they met again in the massive bedroom, the air between them was even more uncomfortable. He was down to boxers, and she wore an oversize football jersey and panties. Christ—nothing quite like being dressed down the way they usually were before they were intimate, and not being able to look each other in the eye.

  “We should get some sleep,” she said after a moment. “We need—”

  “I think we should talk first.” His heart sped up. This wasn’t a conversation he was looking forward to having.

  “It’s late.”

  “I know. But I haven’t been able to sleep since you left.”

  Carlene dropped her gaze. “I’m sorry.”

  “You don’t need to be.” He brushed some of her dark hair out of her face and then gently cupped her cheek. “Just talk to me.”

  She drew back slightly, out of his grasp, and his heart dropped. “This isn’t an easy thing to talk about.”

  “No, it’s not. But you’ve definitely got my attention.”

  Carlene sighed and sat on the edge of the bed where James had been a moment ago. He joined her. For the longest time, neither of them said a thing, and aside from James’s pounding heart and the noise of Washington coming in from outside, the room was silent.

  Finally, he whispered, “Why didn’t you say anything before you left?”

  Carlene avoided his eyes. “What was I supposed to say?”

  “I don’t know.” He reached across the space between them and took her hand. “But you can talk to me. I know… I know this whole thing has been hard on everyone.”

  She kept her gaze down, instead watching her thumb run back and forth across his, and still didn’t speak.

  After a while, James broke the silence again. “For the record, nothing happened between us. Between me and Kent, I mean.”

  Her eyes flicked up, but only for a second. “Oh.”

  “I mean, it did, but it…” He hesitated, gnawing his lip. “We didn’t sleep together.”

  This time, she met his gaze and held it. “Do I want to know?” Her voice was as difficult to read as her expression—not angry, not hurt, but definitely not happy.

  “We…” James sighed. “We talked. We kissed. Once.”

  Carlene’s lips tightened.

  He squeezed her hand. “But it just felt wrong. I couldn’t do that to you.”

  “You’re not doing anything to me,” she whispered. “If it’s what you need, then—”

  “I need you, Carlene.”

  The skepticism in her eyes cut to the bone.

  James gently freed his hand and got up. He shoved his fingers through his hair as he started pacing. “This whole thing blindsided me. Why didn’t you say something?”

  “What was I supposed to say? Was I supposed to just tell you that I think you’re stressed out, so hey, why don’t you go blow off some steam with him?”

  James flinched. “I don’t know. But leaving, and letting him tell me? I mean, I…” He shook his head. “I don’t know.”

  “I don’t either.” Carlene stood slowly, rubbing her neck with both hands. “I didn’t know what else to do. Maybe I went about it all wrong. I just thought you needed him.”

  “But…” With some effort, he held her gaze. “Why would you ever think I need anyone but you?”

  “Because my name isn’t the one you call out in your sleep.”

  His heart dropped to the floor. He’d known about that, but hearing it straight from her hit him hard. James reached for her waist. “I have dreams about all kinds of things, but you’re the one I’m looking for when I’m awake.”

  “But am I enough?”

  His lips parted. “Of… Carlene, of course you are.”

  “You have no idea how much I want to believe that.” She touched his face, her fingertips soft and unsteady on his cheek. “I don’t want to lose you, James.”

  “You’re not going to lose me.” He clasped his hand around hers and squeezed gently. “I thought you were pushing me away.”

  “No. Never.” She moved in closer, wrapping her other arm around his waist and gazing up into his eyes. “I just want you to be happy.”

  “I am,” he whispered, and pressed his lips to hers.

  She didn’t protest, and held him tighter as she opened to his kiss. Well, they hadn’t resolved much, hadn’t gotten down to the root of why he said Kent’s name in his sleep or why she thought sex with him would settle something, but they were touching. She was in his arms. For now, that was enough.