The trip back took a long time and the first stage, heading back to Satricum, made us more sore-hearted than anything. When, still humping our packs, we passed the shack where Claudius Probus lived, he sniggered openly. He blamed the ox theft on the bandits who were supposed to have colonised the marshes. Curiously, we never saw any sign of such bandits. My guess was that the Claudii had seen off all the competition in these parts years ago. Most bandits are cowards, who avoid serious confrontation.

  When we reached the good road and collapsed at the Satricum inn, the landlord expressed great surprise to see us. However, he was eager to hire us extra mounts, and very conveniently had some donkeys available; the two vigiles went with him to inspect them. Petronius sat set-faced, glaring as if he now thought the landlord was responsible for our loss of Nero.

  Helena’s brother Justinus went indoors to talk to the waitress, Januaria; neither Petro nor I had the heart. He returned looking thoughtful. ‘She was talking about foreigners – that’s anyone they don’t count as local, I suppose. Some foreigners who take a road through the marshes don’t come back; well, not this way.’

  ‘That is because they have had their transport stolen!’ Petro snarled.

  Quintus and I exchanged glances. If the girl had made him think what she said was significant, I trusted him.

  Petronius continued to resist. ‘You head south, because you’re going south. When you get there, that’s where you want to be. So you stay there. In the south.’

  ‘Logical,’ I cracked. ‘For simpletons!’ I was feeling tetchy myself.

  He carried on ranting. ‘It follows that miserable inn-folk to the north don’t see you again. They won’t see me again either, once I get back to Rome.’ Petro took a swig of wine from his beaker, spat, slammed down the cup in high disgust, then strode out, shouting to us all to move. He had had enough of the countryside. He was going home.

  Petronius Longus and Petronius Rectus drove us all mad, maundering on at one another about the value of their stolen ox and abandoned cart. At least that ended when Rectus took his leave at the Via Appia. He returned to his farm in the Lepini hills. ‘He was my bloody ox as well!’ shouted Lucius Petronius after his departing brother.

  I knew why he was so livid. The theft showed him up. He expected another ear-bashing from the cousins who owned part-shares in Nero. They were bound to suggest that an officer of the Roman vigiles ought to be able to hang on to his draught animal, especially when stuck in the middle of wetlands that were famous for criminal activities. ‘My barmy brother was in charge of him – I should have known what was coming!’

  I was welcomed home quietly. Helena had a sniff at me to ensure I had been using the anti-insect ointment. Ever the thoughtful husband, I had made sure I rubbed in some more just before I turned my door key. Helena herself was still subdued. Once we would have rushed straight into bed together, but with the baby’s death so recent that would not happen.

  I prowled around, checking the house. Things seemed well under control. Helena ran a good household and she had grown up in a senator’s house, full of staff. Slaves from Pa’s house were being tried out here a few at a time. I had never been able to buy good ones because I found the process so uncomfortable, but these seemed to know what was expected of them.

  ‘Just tell me which you want to keep,’ I told her, discussing slaves in order to avoid more painful subjects. Tired as I was, I raised a laugh. ‘I can’t believe I said that!’

  ‘All you need to decide,’ Helena answered drily, ‘is whether you intend to continue your old frugal life, or should I now plan domestic extravagance and show-off socialising? We need more style. I changed from pottery beakers on the breakfast table – Gaius found some flagrant gilded goblets at the warehouse that I think will pass as morning water cups, though they won’t do when we are entertaining consuls and international trade moguls.’

  ‘Oh I leave all that to you, fruit. Don’t skimp; just commission new from the most fashionable designer.’

  Helena continued the joke. ‘I’m so glad you said that. I’ve found a man who does the most marvellous art glass. I think it is important, Marcus, that our girls grow up knowing the finer things in life – even if they promptly break it …’

  We tired of playing games. I flopped on a couch and Helena knelt to help pull my boots off. She was simply dressed for home in a long white tunic, with plaited hair just wound in a circle and secured with one long bone pin. My real wealth lay in the love in her eyes. I knew that.

  Albia was still moping; she had stopped throwing perfume bottles at the wall, though she had taken to disappearing out of the house for long periods. Perhaps she went walking by the river, wafting along like a water sprite wronged by some heartless god. When she did come home, Helena suspected she was writing screeds of tragic poetry. ‘I blame myself, Marcus; I gave her the education. Is this to be the Empire’s heritage: putting barbarians at a social disadvantage – yet equipping them to complain?’

  ‘Any further visits from Aelianus to inflame things?’

  ‘No; he’s busy. Father decided that now both Aulus and Quintus are married, it is make or break time to put them up for the Senate.’ That was all I needed: electioneering. Helena grimaced too. ‘I mentioned that it would be inconvenient for you, just when you are tied up with the legacy and need them to assist in your casework. But Papa is giving them one last chance to become respectable – he hopes to inveigle Minas of Karystos into a financial contribution.’

  I scoffed. ‘We know Minas better than that, I think!’

  ‘Yes, he is as much use to Aulus as an in-law as he was as a professor. I suppose it has struck you,’ Helena murmured warily, ‘that you are now in line to be badgered for money, Marcus.’

  ‘What? Everyone always supposed I wanted your father to pay my debts. Can the senator now be hoping to sponge off me?’

  ‘I believe he may try to talk to you,’ Helena admitted, smiling.

  Thank you, Geminus. Now I was a plebeian-born, middle-class upstart who had to play banker to his aristocratic relatives. ‘Will it cause a family crisis if I say get lost?’

  ‘Not from me,’ said Helena. ‘Neither of my ridiculous brothers is fit to govern a beanfield, let alone the Empire.’

  ‘Then they will sail into the Senate. Perhaps I should make an investment, then demand political favours from them? If a bunch of ex-slaves living on frogspawn can have friends in high circles, why not me?’

  ‘You don’t need favours from anybody, Marcus.’

  I kept my head down for a few days. Life ran its usual furrow in the Aventine, though his tribune was back, so Petronius Longus had too much work at the station house. Invigorated by the sea air of Positanum, Rubella started sniping because Petro kept nipping off to the Forum Boarium, the riverside cattle market, to scrutinise any animals that came in. ‘Just in case Nero turns up.’

  ‘Nero’s long gone,’ I snapped, for which I received a mouthful of bad language. Fine. I told the high-handed Petronius that I had plenty to do at the Saepta Julia. So I immersed myself in my own business. We were not estranged, just having one of those tussles that keep a good friendship fresh.

  Without my restraining presence, Petronius Longus chalked up a ‘missing’ poster in the Forum. It gave Nero’s identifying features: answered to Spot, left-hander when yoked in a pair, dun coloured, four legs, tail, left-eye squint. Petro even drew a mug-shot. His depiction of Nero’s perpetual line of dribble was particularly sensitive, in my opinion. I saw two granary clerks almost wetting themselves as they guffawed over the artwork, but they took it more seriously when they saw what size reward my stubborn friend was offering.

  He was presented with a lot of mangy animals by rustlers who had just ‘found’ oxen wandering, but never his own.

  The day I saw the poster, I was at the Forum to meet my banker, that morose ledger-fixer, Nothokleptes. His fingers could fiddle an abacus like no other’s. He wanted to hire me a larger bankbox (for which there would be a larger fee) while I needed to explain that my sudden acquisition of large sums was not due to illegal money-lending scams or fraud on twittering old widows. Nothokleptes was quickly convinced I was legit; with a fine grasp of Roman nomenclature, he stopped referring to me as ‘Falco, you shameless bankrupt’ and now schmoosed, ‘Marcus Didius, my dear respected client’. He claimed he had always known I would come good, though I had no recollection of this astrological forecast in the long dark days when I was begging for credit.

  I still had to get used to my new position. I admit I was surprised when Nothokleptes seated me at a little bronze-legged table and sent out a lad to buy me a custard pastry. It was soggy, with not enough nutmeg topping, but I saw that my financial fortunes must have officially turned around. Thanks again, Pa!

  Mellowed by egg custard, though with mild indigestion, I climbed up the Aventine to visit my mother. She was out, putting the world to rights. So I called at the house nearby where Petro and Maia now lived. She said he was sleeping. Then she backed me into a daybed on their sun terrace and forced a dish of salted almonds on me. I was beginning to see why men of wealth were also men of girth.

  ‘Lucius has come home from Latium in a foul mood, and it can’t just be losing that ridiculous ox. I blame you, Marcus!’ Maia tolerated me more than my other sisters did, but she followed the trend. Petro’s first wife, Arria Silvia, always thought I was a bad influence. That was even though, according to me, our worst adventures had always been his idea.

  ‘I never did anything!’ Why did a discussion with relatives always make me sound like a truculent five-year-old?

  ‘I suppose that’s what the low-lifes in the marshes all said too! Lucius keeps mum, but I can tell you got nowhere. You’ll have to buck up,’ Maia instructed me. She was a decent sort, when not being abrupt, hasty-tempered, condemnatory and unreasonable. That was her good side; her wild side was frightening. ‘Get this case moving, will you?’

  ‘It’s his case.’

  ‘He’s your responsibility.’

  ‘No – he’s thirty-six years old and a salaried officer. Besides, he wasn’t even my responsibility when we were young soldiers drinking our way across Britain while the tribes rampaged around us.’

  ‘I can’t live with him this grouchy,’ Maia insisted. ‘You’re supposed to be the investigator, so stop loafing and get sleuthing.’

  I promised I would, but sloped off home. Helena was slightly more sympathetic – if only because she felt her role was to appear always more rational than my female relatives. Putting their noses out of joint with her blameless serenity was, according to Helena, in the noble tradition of Cornelia, the mother of the Gracchi, every wise matron’s heroine.

  ‘You are not going to send me out pavement-bashing with a flea in my ear, I hope, darling?’

  ‘Of course not.’ Helena paused. ‘Though I am very surprised, Marcus, that you have made no attempt to find those Claudii who work in Rome, or learn where Claudius Nobilis went off to!’

  I knew when I was beaten. I crawled out of the house like a slug with a spade put halfway through him.

  I had no intention of being bossed. Pa, who knew just how to live a worthwhile masculine life, had bequeathed me one thing of greater worth than its book-value: I now possessed his bolt-hole. As nonchalantly as possible, I took myself to the Saepta Julia.

  Now I was so prosperous, I even had two bolt-holes. I was still paying rent on a cubbyhole Anacrites and I once hired, back when we were working on tax matters. I had affection for the place that had acquired me middle rank. I was using it now for the legacy paperwork, so it was stuffed with scrolls and piteous pleas for the inheritance tax clerks to give me time to pay. I didn’t need more time, but today Nothokleptes had impressed upon me the need to delay bills so he could invest the capital in short-term sure prospects. ‘The more you have, the more you can make, young Falco. You realise that, surely?’ I certainly realised the more I had, the more my banker could cream off for himself. ‘Only the destitute pay up prompt, for fear they won’t have any money later.’

  I had told Nothokleptes I would have to get used to this principle – but that I was a fast learner.

  I sat in the cubbyhole, thinking, until boredom took over. Then I sauntered along the Saepta’s upper gallery, enjoying the vibrant life going on at this level and below, just as Pa used to do. I could see why he loved this place. There was never a dull moment, as fat jewellers and paranoid goldsmiths swaggered around trying to bamboozle would-be customers, while pickpockets tailed the customers and guards wondered absently whether to tackle the pickpockets. There were constant cries from food-sellers who wandered the building with gigantic trays or weighed down by garlands of drink flagons. Wafts of grilled meat and suet patties vied with the reek of garlic and the stench of pomade. Every now and then some man of note – or a nobody who thought he was one – pressed through the throng with a train of arrogant slaves in livery, trailing sweaty secretaries and put-upon fan-danglers. Disdainful locals refused to be pushed around, resulting in loud altercations.

  I enjoyed watching the gallery rage, then stepped over a vagrant and entered the office. My nephew Gaius, Galla’s second eldest, was loafing there. He looked me over. ‘You don’t want to waste your time here, Uncle Marcus. Why not give me a couple of thousand a week and I’ll run the place for you?’

  He was at an indefinable point in his late teens, old enough to be useful, not old enough to trust. He looked like a tattooed barbarian, though with infected sores where the woad should be. He was a sweetie underneath; we sometimes used him for babysitting.

  ‘Thanks for the kind offer, Gaius. I don’t need help. We just put chipped old pots on show by the door and idiots rush in to pay huge sums for them.’

  Gaius dropped into a stone throne, his favourite lounger, where he spread himself like a potentate. He was drinking Pa’s flagon of Campagnan red, supposedly kept for celebrating big auction gains or for numbing the pain of losses. He waved me to a cheery cup that advised me to drink now for I would die tomorrow; as I poured a tot, Gaius warned me in serious tone, ‘You want to take a lot of water with that, Uncle Marcus. It’s probably too strong for you.’

  ‘Yours is neat?’

  ‘But I am used to it,’ smiled Gaius. His brass-necked cheek came straight from my louche brother Festus, from Pa, and a long line of previous Didii. I made no attempt to remonstrate. Like Lucius Petronius, I was thirty-six and had learned when there was no point arguing.

  We talked, with surprising sense from Gaius, about an auction held in my absence. ‘Things are looking up again, no question. People stayed away to begin with, thinking nothing would be the same without Grandpa, but customers are trickling back.’

  ‘They are learning you’re up to it. One or two may even have heard good things about me.’

  ‘Don’t bank on that, Uncle Marcus! Yet again, we failed to shift that two-handed urn with the centaurs battling, but that’s been around for over a year; the artwork’s crap and people are bored with the subject. I’m going to organise fake bidders next time. See if we can force some interest.’

  ‘Geminus didn’t really want to sell that pot,’ I said. ‘It hung on so long, he grew fond of it.’

  Young Gaius shook his head like a Greek sage. ‘There’s no scope for sentiment in this business!’ Then, to my surprise, he asked shyly whether Helena and I were getting over the baby, and complimented me on my handling of Pa’s funeral and memorial dinner.

  Business over, I called in a passing peddler, bought Gaius a flatbread stuffed with chickpeas, and left him to it.

  I sauntered back towards the centre of town, passing the Theatre of Balbus and the Porticus of Octavia as if I had no clear idea where I was going. I had made up my mind, however. I turned away from the river, then climbed up to the Palatine via the Clivus Victoriae. I gained entrance by telling the guards I needed to see Claudius Laeta. But I was going to see Momus.

  XXIII

  ‘Falco! You cack-handed, two-timing, pompous backstairs bastard – seems a century since I laid eyes on your ugly bum-crack!’ Momus represented the refined element of the Palatine.

  He was sprawling on a bench like a big blob of sea anemone, one that had let itself go. Even his headlice were low-grade. He had a paper of nuts lying next to him, but was too lethargic to dip in and munch. ‘Torpor’ would have been his cognomen, had he been refined enough to want his entitlement to three names.

  Thinking about imperial freedmen, as I was for the case, I asked him what family name he used. Momus gave me a wide shrug, astonished anybody asked that question. He was so informal he had never bothered to work out his nomen.

  ‘Who was on the throne when you got your cap of liberty?’

  ‘Some useless pervert.’

  ‘Sounds like Nero.’

  ‘Probably the Divine Claudius.’ Momus made ‘Divine’ sound like an obscenity, which in the case of that old duffer Claudius it traditionally was.

  I leaned on a wall, as far away from his body odour as I could get without retreating into the corridor. There was nowhere to sit. Most people who came to see Momus were slaves he was brutalising. He didn’t offer them a stool for beatings and buggery. He might be as low as a palace officer could get, but he was one level up from them so he took the traditional seat of power while they cringed in whatever desperate position he chose for them and waited for their punishment.