‘You know what?’ he said. ‘I don’t care that he didn’t come. I really don’t. This isn’t about him any more. And I’m not sure it ever was. This’ – he indicated the house – ‘this is about me. About… God, I don’t know, about growing up, I suppose.’ He laughed wryly and wiped some icing off the edge of the cake plate with his fingertip.

  ‘Are you suggesting that you weren’t a grown-up before?’

  ‘No. I was a very nearly forty-year-old teenager. Wearing the same clothes, writing the same crappy poems, in love with the same woman…’

  ‘Ruby?’

  ‘Yes, Ruby. How did you know?’

  ‘Blatantly obvious.’

  He raised his eyebrows and sighed. ‘Ah, well. There you go. Wearing my schoolboy crush on my sleeve like an adolescent. I made a list, you know, after Gus left me his money, after my father wrote to me. A list of things I needed to do. It started off with buying new sofas and it ended with this.’ He cast his arm round the room. ‘I’ve achieved nearly everything I set out to achieve.’

  ‘You should feel very pleased with yourself.’

  ‘I do,’ he said. ‘Now I just need to write some publishable poetry, finalize the divorce and marry someone, and my list will be done and dusted.’

  ‘Marry someone?’ she smiled. ‘You put that on your list?!’

  ‘Well, not marry someone, necessarily. Just, you know, meet someone. Someone special. God, that sounds so naff.’

  ‘No, it doesn’t. It sounds absolutely right. Everyone should have someone special.’

  Toby nodded and a silence followed. ‘What about you and Amitabh? You seem to be getting on well.’

  ‘Do we?’

  ‘Yes. Well, from what I could see.’

  She sighed and laughed. ‘Well, that’s funny because we’re not. Not at all.’

  ‘Oh, dear. Why’s that?’

  ‘Because,’ she said, sighing and flicking her thumbnail against the ring pull on her lager, ‘because he asked me to marry him…’

  Toby turned to gaze at her, in amazement. ‘Oh, my God. Really?’

  ‘Uh-huh. A couple of weeks ago. And I still haven’t given him an answer.’

  ‘You haven’t?’

  ‘No. I just keep changing my mind. The pros and cons are so evenly weighted and I don’t know what to do.’

  ‘But you told me you didn’t want to marry him.’

  ‘I know. I know I did. But it’s all about options, isn’t it? It’s all about where I go next. And really and truly, where do I go next? If there was a sign somewhere, something to guide me on to the next place, the next turn in the road, then…’

  ‘Then you’d turn him down?’

  She nodded and smiled ruefully.

  ‘Oh, Leah…’

  ‘I know,’ she said. ‘I know. Pathetic, isn’t it? I’m sure life wasn’t supposed to be like this. I’m sure the idea was that you met someone and you knew, that it was one thing or another, that it was black or it was white. But life – it’s so stupidly grey half the time, isn’t it? So vague and so silly and… nothing.’

  ‘Oh, but, Leah. It doesn’t have to be.’

  ‘Well, I know that. But sometimes it just is. And there’s nothing you can do about it.’

  ‘But of course there is. I mean, look at me. My life was as grey as it gets. As grey as clouds, as grey as pigeons, as grey as concrete. And then, well, you came along. And made everything Technicolor.’

  Leah laughed. ‘I did? How?’

  ‘Just by being you. By being so alive and fresh. By seeing beyond my strange demeanour and finding a perfectly nice, normal bloke underneath there whom I never knew existed. And when I say that I owe all of this to you, I’m not just talking about the house, my tenants, all of this, I’m talking about this man, sitting next to you, who goes out to shops and chats with old friends, and solves problems for people and buys his underwear from Marks and Spencer’s. I owe this man to you. Completely. You’ve transformed me, Leah, and I can’t bear to think that, having made my world kaleidoscopic with new and wonderful things, you’d compromise your own right to a proper, satisfying ending.’He turned his chair to face her properly. ‘I’ve spent my entire life letting the world wash over me. But not any more. It’s my turn now. And I want you to know that I’m here for you. One hundred per cent. Whatever you decide to do. But I also want you to know without a scintilla of uncertainty that I could be happy with you for ever. I want you to know…’ – he stopped, blinked, looked at Leah – ‘that I am completely in love with you…’

  She stared back at him, breathlessly.

  ‘Does that surprise you?’he said.

  She nodded, mutely.

  ‘I’ve been wanting to tell you for ages. That was why I ran out of that pub the other day. Because I was about to tell you, then I lost my nerve and freaked. Completely. But now, well, I’ve realized. I’ve only got one stab at this. And I’ll be off soon and we won’t be neighbours any more and you’ll get married to someone who you’re not sure about and it’ll all be way too late.

  ‘Toby, I…’

  ‘Leah. It’s fine. You don’t have to say anything. I only want you to know this. Not to act on it. If you’re going to marry Amitabh, which I don’t think you should, then I want you to be armed with the knowledge that someone else loved you, too. That you had options, even if it was only me, a big, skinny old freak from over the road. I know that someone like you would never love someone like me…’

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘I don’t know. Because I’m me, because I’m…’

  ‘Tall, dark and handsome? Clever, charming and funny?’

  Toby frowned. ‘Come on, now,’ he said. ‘Don’t be facetious.’

  ‘Who’s being facetious?’

  ‘Well, you are, obviously.’

  ‘No,’ said Leah, ‘I’m not. I’m being completely and utterly sincere. You and me. We fit.’ And then, to prove her point, she turned her chair towards Toby’s, brought Toby’s face towards hers with her hands, and said, ‘I’m going to kiss you now. Is that OK?’

  Toby nodded, harder and more fervently than he’d ever nodded before, and when her lips met his he felt the whole blurry, fuzzy, silly and incomprehensible nonsense of his being suddenly click into focus. He felt everything suddenly fall into place and make clear and perfect sense for the first time in his whole ridiculous life.

  ‘I can’t believe you just did that,’ he said.

  ‘Neither can I,’ laughed Leah.

  ‘That was amazing,’ said Toby.

  ‘It was, wasn’t it.’

  ‘Can I take it that you’re not going to marry Amitabh?’

  ‘Of course I’m not going to marry bloody Amitabh.’

  ‘Well, then,’ said Toby, ‘in that case, I think you should kiss me again.’

  84

  DIDCOT WALSH

  312 High Road London N2 1AG

  2 April 2005

  Dear Toby,

  I am writing to confirm the offer received this morning for the asking price of £995,000. The buyer is chain-free and hoping to exchange within six weeks. Hopefully it should be a smooth process. I don’t foresee any problems. I will be in touch shortly.

  Yours faithfully,

  W. F. Didcot

  Walter Didcot

  . . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . ..

  ‘Oh, hello, this is a message for Toby Dobbs. It’s Susan here from Tixall’s in Penzance. Just to let you know that I’ve spoken to the owners of Chyandour House and they’ve accepted your offer of £289,000. They’ve also agreed to take it off the market for a week, pending the sale of your own property. Hope this is OK and I’ll speak to you soon. . .’

  . . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . ..

  In the BARNET County Court,

  between TOBY BERTRAND DOBBS the Petitioner

  and KAREN JANE DOBBS the Respondent

  referring to the decree made in this cause on the

  4th day of MARCH 2005 whereby it was decreed that the

  marriage solemnized on the

  7th day of AUGUST 1990

  at LAMBETH REGISTER OFFICE, THE TOWN HALL,

  BRIXTON HILL SW2 1RW

  between

  TOBY BERTRAND DOBBS the Petitioner

  and

  KAREN JANE DOBBS the Respondent

  be dissolved unless sufficient cause be shown to the court within (six) weeks from the making thereof why the said decree should not be made absolute, and no such cause having been shown, it is hereby certified that the said decree was on the 22nd day of APRIL 2005 made final and absolute and that the said marriage was thereby dissolved.

  2 June 2005

  Dear Toby,

  Wow! Thanks! I’ve just got my balance and the money’s gone in! Fuck – I thought it was a typo at first. Couldn’t believe all those zeros! Thanks a lot, mate. It’s the most decent thing anyone’s ever done for me and I won’t let you down. I promise not a penny of it will go on beer (or clothes!).

  Sorry I haven’t been in touch much. I’ve been really busy. Flight school starts next week and I’ve been looking for somewhere to live. I’ll be sharing with some other guys, students from the school. The flat’s not that great (I miss number 31!), but it’ll be fine for a year or so. I’ll be glad to move out of Daisy’s place, too. It was really nice and everything, but I don’t like to freeload. It’s good to be paying rent again and I won’t miss their stupid dog breaking into my room every night to eat my socks! They had to take him to the vet’s the other day with half a flannel in his stomach!

  Things are going great with Daisy. She’s on really good form and you can tell just by looking at her that the country air is better for her than being in London. She’s waitressing at her mate’s restaurant in the village. I’ve been helping out there, too, washing dishes and stuff, just to tide me over. She’s thinking about doing a cookery course, setting up a catering thing. I reckon she’ll be brilliant. And cooking’s something you can do anywhere, isn’t it, anywhere in the world.

  Her mum taught me how to do her physio. It’s really easy, actually. And she’s doing so well at the moment that it doesn’t even take that long. I won’t be able to do it any more when I move out, but at least I know how to do it now, if we ever end up living together. As for how I feel about her illness, I’m doing what you said, just acting like I don’t know the truth, just having fun with her. I’m a strong bloke. Whatever happens in the future, I can take it. Well, I’ll have to…

  I quite like it out here, in the sticks. I miss my mates, of course, and my mum, but I don’t really miss London. How are you, anyway? Have you moved yet? Maybe you’re in the country, too. Weird, eh?!

  Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks a lot for the money. And for everything. I’ll write again when I’m settled at the school. And watch your post. You’ll be getting an unexpected invitation any day now!

  All the best,

  Con

  Dear Toby

  Melinda and Jack are engaged!

  Please come and help us celebrate at

  41 Cranmore Gardens, London, N10 5TY

  on Saturday 23rd June 2005

  ............................................................................

  VISSER SCHOENMAKER SMIT

  Literary Agency

  The Estate of Augustus Veldtman

  c/o Toby Dobbs

  Dear Mr Dobbs,

  Please allow me to introduce myself. My name is Lucia Schoen-maker and I represent Mr Veldtman at his agency. I was very saddened to hear of his death. Although I never met him, I feel he is someone close to me, having personally represented his wonderful book for so many years (more than I care to admit!).

  I am writing for two reasons. First, I enclose Mr Veldtman’s royalty statement and payment for the period covering June 2004 to December 2004. This amounts to the princely sum of £3.78, which is about standard.

  My second reason for writing is to tell you about an interesting proposal we have had from a TV production company here in Holland. Mr Veldtman was in the habit of posting us his personal journals with the instructions that they be kept untouched until his death, at which time we could use them however we saw fit. This company is interested in making a documentary about Mr Veldtman, about his extraordinary life, his career as a film actor, his love affairs and, of course, his marvellous book. They have offered us an option of €6,000 for the rights to the journals, which they will extend to €60,000 should the project proceed to production.

  I think this is a very generous offer and I would suggest that we accept it.

  There is one other point, however. The last journal Mr Veldtman sent us is from 1992 and I wondered if you had come upon any further journals after his death. If so, the production company would love to have them, just to complete the picture. I understand that Mr Veldtman lived in your house for the final years of his life and this was a very interesting period in his life, I’m sure.

  Please let me know what you think about these matters. I will look forward to hearing from you in due course. And maybe if you were ever to find yourself in The Hague we could meet for a coffee and a chat.

  Yours, most sincerely,

  Lucia Schoenmaker

  85

  Toby watched the removals van pull out of Silversmith Road and headed back inside. The house was completely empty now. Not a stick of furniture; not a picture or a plant. The sun streamed through the front windows, highlighting the house’s natural beauty. He wandered for a while, from room to room, just as he’d done the very first time he’d seen the house. This was exactly how he’d wanted the house to look that day, all those years ago. Leah had been right to persuade him to finish the job. Leaving would have been much harder if he hadn’t.

  He took the stairs slowly towards the upper floors, as he’d done a thousand times before. The thud of his footsteps reminded him of Gus’s slow rhythmic steps, up and down the stairs, day in, day out. He peered into Joanne’s room, Ruby’s room, Con’s room. And then he took the next flight of stairs and went into his own room. There was a roll of packing tape on the floor and an empty box. And there, on the floor, where his wardrobe had been, was a piece of paper:

  Things To Do

  12 Get a publishing deal (?)

  16 START LIVING

  He smiled and pulled a pen out of his jacket pocket and with a flourish of intent and satisfaction he drew a thick black line through the last two words.

  86

  A seagull regarded Leah from the windowsill with tiny pinprick eyes. She stared back at it, until it heard a cry from above and glided away, into the clear blue sky. She peered through the tiny dormer window, to the beach across the road. The boats were out already, with their crab pots. Solitary anglers lined the shore, casting for the whiting which were back for the autumn. Leah had only been here for three months, but already she knew about the seasonal variations of aquatic life around the headland, about the tidal patterns, about the likelihood of a good catch, or a bad one. She also knew about the problems with the new headmistress at the primary school, that Mrs Wendle had been taken to the hospice on Friday night and that the beer served at the Plough up the road was watered down. It wasn’t difficult to pick up local knowledge. All you had to do was keep your ears open as you walked round the village. All you had to do was talk to people.

  She headed downstairs, bowing to avoid the low ceiling halfway down and stooping to collect some mail from the door mat.

  Toby smiled at her as she walked towards him.

  ‘Tea?’ he said.

  ‘Lovely,’ she said.

  She leaned down and kissed him on the lips, then dropped the mail on the table in front of him.

  ‘Oh, look.’ She pulled a newspaper from the bottom of the pile. ‘The paper’s here.’

  ‘Oh, fantastic. Let’s have a look.’

  Leah leafed through the pages, urgently. ‘Look!’ she announced. ‘There it is!’

  Sea-Bay Auction Services

  Leave it with us – we’ll sell it for you!

  12 Bayview Parade

  The Seafront

  Portscatho

  (right next to Prowse the Grocer)

  Want to find a home for your old heirlooms, clutter and bric-a-brac? Haven’t got the time or the inclination to sell it yourself? We’ll take all the hassle out of it for you. Just bring us your unwanted possessions and we’ll market them for you on e-bay. If we don’t sell it, you don’t pay us a penny.

  WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO LOSE?!

  ** GRAND OPENING TODAY,

  SATURDAY 13TH AUGUST **

  ‘Bring this flyer and claim a free cup of tea and a slice of cake. We

  look forward to seeing you!’

  Toby Dobbs £ Leah Pilgrim

  ‘It looks great, doesn’t it?’

  Toby nodded and smiled. And then he stopped and stared at an envelope on top of the pile. The writing looked strangely familiar. It had an American stamp on it and had been addressed to Silversmith Road and redirected. Slowly he sliced the envelope open with a knife and pulled out a handwritten letter, three sheets long.

  Dear Toby,

  What can I say? Sorry doesn’t really seem sufficient. I can’t really explain why I did what I did. I was scared, I suppose, and angry. I realized immediately that I’d made a mistake moving in with Tim and I freaked out. I came back to the house. I was going to ask if I could stay for a few days, but you were out. And then I saw that cash in your room and something took me over. I felt like you’d let me down, abandoned me when I needed you most. So I took the lot and went straight to the airport and bought a one-way ticket to the States.