As I had woken up before Roman, with him still snuggled up under the covers like a caterpillar in a cocoon, I went downstairs and prepared him a rather small and unassuming breakfast to try and ease things into my direction. I wanted to butter him up the same way he was going to butter up these waffles, and I wanted to do it before time ran out. I wasn’t positive on the next time I was going to see him, for we hadn’t talked about future plans our entire time here. It could be in two days or two weeks with his hectic and travel-filled schedule, and I wasn’t sure my psyche could handle the latter half of that.

  I placed the waffles, toast, and orange juice on the tray before slowly walking up the stairs; his buttoned up shirt draping over my body as my bare legs were exposed to the cool cabin air.

  “What’s this?” he asked softly as I walked in, as he must’ve woken up minutes before I came up the stairs.

  “I just wanted to make you breakfast as a way of thanks for the trip,” I said with a smile as I set it down in front of him.

  “You didn’t need to do that, Natalie. Having you here was enough,” he said as he placed his warm hand on my outer thigh and kissed me good morning.

  I sat down on the bed next to him as he ate; watching the way the maple syrup dripped from his tasty lips and back down onto the plate below. I thought about blurting out something about us, but I didn’t, thinking it would be better to wait until we were in the car or on the plane. Whatever was going to happen, I knew I was going to have to grow a pair and do it before time ran out and I had to sit in my dorm room alone until I heard from him again.

  ***

  “Do you have everything?” Roman asked as we did some last minute packing.

  “I think so,” I said as I zipped up my suitcase and pulled it off the bed.

  “The car will be here in ten minutes, so make sure you’re ready so we make it on time. I’m leaving the SUV here so they don’t have to drive it back once we leave,” Roman said as he grabbed our bags and took them downstairs to wait for the car.

  I walked around the master bedroom and looked out the window at the gigantic slopes and mountains outside. I saw the far away visions of skiers and snowboarders ripping down the mountainside as they looked like little gnats off in the distance. I almost wished I were back up there to give it another try, but knew I wasn’t the best candidate to ski after my little incident. As I walked around the room, I was overcome with sadness—I didn’t want to leave this place. This cabin and town were both magnificent, and my dorm room was like living in squalor compared to this wood-lined mansion. Not only that, but I didn’t want to leave Roman’s side. This was the longest consecutive amount of time we had spent together, and the feelings he had given me made me feel different. I felt important and worthy, which is something I wasn’t sure I had truly felt before. He turned me into a different person; a better person. Now that was all coming to an end, until I was able to see him again and spend those precious minutes with him yet again.

  The minutes grew closer to our departure and I went downstairs and got my coat on before meeting Roman outside, who was taking the luggage to the waiting car as the chauffeur rushed outside to take them from him and place them inside the trunk.

  “Ready to go?” Roman asked as he rubbed his bare hands together in the cold air.

  I turned around one last time and looked over the cabin before turning back around a few seconds later.

  “Yeah, I’m ready,” I said before walking over to the car and getting inside as Roman shut the door behind me.

  The driver pulled out and we started our route to the same private airport in which we had started our stay in Aspen. I looked out the window as we passed all of the cabins and finally the hulking lodge before going out through the guard gate and eased onto the main roads and to the airport.

  I wiped my sweaty palms on my legs during the car ride, wondering if I should muster up some courage and ask Roman the question that had been on my mind all along. He had left the divider in the car open in case the driver had to ask anything, which meant that I wouldn’t have all that much privacy with him. That all changed, though, after a few minutes as the driver got a phone call and closed the divider to take it privately as to not disturb us.

  Now was my chance, and I knew I had to take it before we got on the plane and were close to the flight attendant, who would be able to hear everything we would be saying.

  “So, I have something to talk to you about,” I said nervously.

  “You can talk to me about anything,” Roman said as he looked out the window.

  “Well, we had a great time for the last few days and got even closer and that’s great. I was just wondering, though, about our status. I mean I know we have our special arrangement and everything, but I just feel as though I want something more. I’m not sure how you feel about it, and I hope you feel the same way I do, but I don’t want to just be your sugar baby. I really like you, Roman, and I want to be more with you,” I said nervously, the spit in my mouth quickly building up and making me pause awkwardly near the end of my speech.

  Roman didn’t say anything, even when I was finished talking. He continued to look out the window, as if thinking about what I had just said. Did I cross some line that I shouldn’t have crossed? His silence scared me, and it made me feel as though I had shot myself in the foot by even trying to escalate this relationship to a new level. Things were going so well, and now looking back, I shouldn’t have tried to do anything.

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Natalie. I thought we were on the same page. That our relationship would be just pleasure and not emotional, but I guess I was wrong about that. There’s nothing wrong about you wanting more. I understand what it’s like to develop feelings for another person, but it isn’t what I’m looking for. I think it might be better if we sort of took a break from things for a while,” he said as he continued to look out the window.

  My stomach and heart both dropped out of my body and rolled on the manicured car floor below as I tried to process what had just happened. My life and relationship with Roman had changed in a split second as I went from a pampered sugar baby to just another random girl sitting in a car with him. I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t, both from shock and the fact that I didn’t want to look like a baby in front of Roman.

  We arrived at the airport shortly after, and Roman got out of the car and onto the plane without saying anything to me, as if I didn’t even exist. I got out shortly after and shuffled myself onto the plane as Roman was sitting in a single seat against a window where I couldn’t be next to him. I walked to the back of the plane with my head lowered as I looked like a defeated and whimpering puppy. I sat down in the lush leather seat and we soon after took off, as the flight attendant wasn’t as chipper as she was when we came down to Aspen. I think she sensed the distress and sadness in the air, and stayed away from us, only talking to us when she asked if we needed anything.

  I looked out the window as we passed over the heavily snow covered Midwestern plains. The weather was calm during the ride, with little turbulence, which was a good thing considering I both hated turbulence and my aching heart and body couldn’t handle that added stress. The flight went by slowly, but we finally landed hours later at the same airport we had come into. As we landed, I saw the same driver and town car waiting for us near the runway as he waited to come up to the plane’s door to pick us up.

  Just as the plane stopped and the jets turned off, Roman shot up from his seat like a bat out of hell. You would’ve thought that there was a fire on the plane or that it was about to blow up, because he grabbed his carry-on bag and waited patiently at the door before the flustered flight attendant ran over and opened the door for him, which he couldn’t get off of fast enough. I didn’t hurry as quickly as I did when we were in Aspen, both because I knew the car wouldn’t leave without me, and even if it did, I could call someone like Jillian or even Trevor to come and pick me up. If Roman was this anxious to get away from me then he might as well just do it now and end my suffering.

  I gathered my things and thanked the saddened flight attendant, who was likely trying to just be consoling, as she knew I was going back to my crappy and not fun life, which at this point didn’t appear as though it would be including Roman. I walked off the plane and got into the car before we took off for my dorm. I guess my fabulous life of being a sugar baby with Roman would be over after today.

  Chapter Seven

  The chauffeur took my bags and helped me into the car, as Roman wasn’t having any of it. I sat down on the rich black leather and kept my legs close together, as I shyly looked over at him to try and get a sense of emotion. I didn’t get any. In fact, he was acting the way he was on the plane, which was just looking out the window and acting as if he was sitting here all alone with nobody else within a mile of him. I scratched my knee and looked out my window as the chauffeur pulled off of the runway and made his way back for my dorm.

  At this point, I was slightly wishing that Roman would’ve instructed the chauffeur to just take off without me and leave me to find my own ride home. Sitting for half an hour at the airport and even having Trevor take me home wouldn’t be nearly as bad as the experience I was having now. It was as if my entire trip to Aspen with Roman was all a farce, and that it didn’t even happen. You’d think we were two strangers who caught the same cab together, and not two people who have been intimate multiple times and who were, as I had erroneously thought, a thing.

  We drove for fifteen to twenty minutes before we arrived outside of my ghost town of a dorm. Christmas was only days away, and the only people who were left living here were the rejects. There were likely now only a few people living in my building, for even the people who stayed for break went home for Christmas day. I didn’t have that option, though, considering my parents were on some missions trip and didn’t believe I was important enough to actually go home. Why be with your own daughter and help her when you can help a bunch of poor kids in some run-down country? I digress, though, and knew what they were doing was somewhat important, at least to them. I wasn’t sure I actually wanted to be around anyone right now anyways, seeing that my heart was clearly breaking into two huge pieces.

  The chauffer pulled up to the curb and stopped the car as the gray slush was squished underneath his tires. I looked over to Roman as the chauffer got out of the car and opened the trunk to get my bags. Was he going to give me any sort of recognition? Was he so mad or upset with me that he couldn’t even say good-bye after we had what I thought was an amazing trip to Aspen? He looked over at me, giving me butterflies and a nervous stomach as I thought maybe he was going to give me something I could work with. Maybe he would say he was sorry and that he wanted to see me soon. Maybe me getting out of the car would make him realize how stupid he was being and that we could just stay with our current situation if it made him feel better.

  “Good-bye,” he said solemnly before looking back out the window.

  I bit my lower lip, not out of pleasure or happiness like I had with him many times before, but because I was trying to hold back the flood of tears that wanted to roll down my face. The chauffer opened the door and the cold winter air beat against my weakened body.

  “Good-bye,” I said softly as I put my feet outside of the door and pushed them into the slush below as the chauffer grabbed my hand to try and keep me from getting all dirty.

  “Have a nice holiday, madam,” the chauffer said as he tipped his hat, closed my door, and went back into the car to drive Roman home.

  He took off down the street and I watched from the sidewalk before they turned a corner and weren’t seen any longer. I slung my head down, grabbed the handle of my suitcase, and threw my bag over my shoulder before taking off toward my building so I could change out of these stupid clothes and get into my sweats. There was something about being in sweats and eating ice cream when you were upset that seemed to make things not so horrible after all. I had a leftover pint of chocolate ice cream in my mini fridge that I was looking forward to devouring once I got upstairs.

  I passed by a few older women who were walking in their cafeteria garb, and gabbing to each other about their husbands, which I was sure all older women did. One said that hers was a gem, while another said hers was a deadbeat who needed to get off his retired butt and fix their shed door. My mind was taken off of Roman for a quick second, but after they had passed and their callous voices were no longer able to be heard, my mind wandered back again to the topic at hand.

  I approached the door and walked through, as the carpet in the foyer was soaked and soggy from all of the wet feet and globs of slush that had been trapped into it since it was last cleaned. My suitcase wheels went over it and I walked into the lobby, not seeing a single soul there, aside from the janitor who was mulling along with his floor buffer, as if he wanted to spend as much time doing that as possible. The receptionist, who I always saw at their desk during the shifts, was gone and nowhere in sight, although there was a light on and papers on her desk, which made me believe she was somewhere in the building.

  The janitor looked at me and gave a polite head nod and smile before going back to his work as I once again faded into nothingness. The feelings of not feeling important had come back over me, and I felt my eyes tear up slightly as I bit my lower lip again to try and hold it all in. I was breaking down, and all I wanted to do was to be fixed.

  I fumbled with my keys, almost dropping them down the elevator shaft, as I put them in to take me up to my waiting floor, which I was hoping was empty, as even my RA was gone to visit her family. The elevator dinged as we arrived at my floor, and the door opened to the sight I was so frantically hoping I would see. There was nobody around, and all of the doors were shut with no noise coming from them, which indicated nobody was there. Either everybody was home for the holiday, or they were just out of their rooms and living it up somewhere while I was here wallowing in my own self-pity. I was happiest of all not to be mowed down by Trevor, and hoped his parents had a change of heart and actually let him come home for Christmas. It’s pretty sad when your own parents didn’t even want to spend the holidays with you.

  I inserted my brass key into the lock and twisted it to open my cold and empty room; Jillian’s key things were gone now for break. I guess she had come back to get her pillows and desk stuff, for her side of the room almost looked as though nobody even lived on that side of the room. To anyone walking in, I looked as though I lived alone in the dorm.

  I closed my door and the bag around my shoulder dropped to the ground as I let go of the handle to my suitcase. I slid off my shoes and shuffled my warm socks against the cold tile floor as it hit me like a ton of bricks. The angst and sorrow I had felt earlier was now manifesting itself in a flood of tears, which continually ran down my reddening cheeks like a creek in the Grand Canyon.

  I couldn’t control it any longer, as I went into a very ugly cry and shoved my face into my cold pillow as I tried to make sense of this all. Was what I did really that bad and horrible that it would drive Roman so far away from me? All he had to say was no and that he liked what we had and we could’ve gone about our normal business and relationship. He didn’t just do that, though, and instead opted to treat me like some subservient person that he couldn’t even give the time of day to. After everything I said to him and how he made me feel, all he could say to me as I left was good-bye, and that was very cold and reserved, as if he couldn’t bring himself to talk to me any longer.

  I pulled out my phone and hit the lock button as my tear filled and very impaired eyes tried to read the screen to see if I had any messages from him. All I wanted was a small and simple sign that he still cared and wanted to talk to me. It didn’t need to be much, for even a simple hi would propel my feelings and emotions back into the stratosphere. My eyes focused on the bright screen, though, and nothing was there except for the blinking time, which just reminded me of the cruel minutes that had passed by thus far.

  I placed my phone down on my nightstand, which had rings from the countless number of sweating drinks I had sitting on it in the past. By the number of interlocking rings, I thought I had bought the piece at some Olympics Outlet Mall, but I soon remembered my own laziness left the rings, and not some gold metal athlete.

  ***

  My nerves started to calm down as the night went on. I had turned on my television, changed into my sweats, gotten my freezer burnt ice cream, and watched a Pretty Little Liars marathon that so happened to be on that night. I was so thankful that my dorm had cable, and that I actually sprung to get it for the semester, for I had no clue what I’d even be doing right now had I not had cable. The ice cream burned against my tongue, but I didn’t seem to care. I think the traces of chocolate my tongue actually tasted gave me enough gusto to get through the pint, even though my tongue and taste buds were paying the price.

  As I reached the end of my pint, and the marathon was coming to an end with a cliffhanger that really made me mad, I realized that the sun had long gone down and I was left with only the shining of the moon and stars high up in the night sky. No Roman to hold me tight and give me love. No roaring fireplace or room service to keep me warm and full. All I had was myself, and I wasn’t sure that was enough. I thought about going out after Christmas and applying at some jobs, now that my sugar baby career was likely over before it had even gotten started.

  I tossed the empty pint and the chocolate-crusted spoon on my nightstand, as I didn’t care about the filthiness of my room at this point. I wiped off my mouth with a tissue I found in my drawer, and turned off the TV as the only sounds I heard were my own breathing, for nobody, at least not to my knowledge, had come back to the dorm all night. I was the only one on this floor, and likely in this entire building. No squeaking bed from the guy in the room above me, no Jillian and Steve messing about in her bed, and no sounds of Roman’s voice to keep me on the edge of my bed.