The bartender said her name was Lexi. She asked mine and I told her. Then she wanted to know my last name and said, “I’ve heard of you.” I had a hard time believing that with her acting so nice. She told me to stop being ridiculous and have a seat.

  I pulled out a stool, sat down, and reached for my wallet.

  “Put that away,” she said. “First one’s on the house.”

  “I’m probably going to only have one, so I should just…”

  She told me to stop being silly, but I did way more than that, my thoughts drifting to Steven’s funeral.

  “You’re a dark one, aren’t you?”

  I shifted back on the stool, considered leaving.

  “Just give me a smile and I promise to make it better.”

  Lexi was too pretty not to smile at. She walked to the back wall, the rows of bottles three stacks high. She asked where I was from.

  “Outside Columbus.” Saying that made me feel like a tourist, like this was simply a business trip. Tomorrow, I’d be home sitting with my dog curled up at my feet.

  Lily…filled with bullets on my carpet.

  “Hey, stop that. There’s no bad thoughts when you get a free drink.”

  “Sorry.” I tried to play the part, returning the favor, asked where they nabbed her.

  “L.A.” She poured the Jack, gave it two quick stirs. A drink in each hand, both full to the top. We clinked glasses, somehow managed not to spill.

  The whiskey was so strong I couldn’t taste the mixer. I said, “Just what I need.”

  Lexi put her glass to her lips, finished it in one long swallow. She closed her eyes, rolled her head around her shoulders, the liquid medicine kicking in. “Thought you’d like it.”

  “L.A., huh? How was that?”

  “Just like anywhere else.”

  I knocked back my drink, tried not to think about all the places I could’ve been.

  “Another?”

  “Sure.”

  “Thata boy.”

  “You haven’t been here long, have you? I haven’t seen—”

  “Five days.”

  “You should go to the diner. They have a decent turkey sandwich.”

  “I’ll check it out.”

  “The banana split isn’t bad either.”

  This inane conversation was heaven, especially with the next drink, a bit sweeter, but also tart. I asked about her tattoos. She told me the guy who did them was a magician. I thought she meant he was an incredible artist, but she said no, he pulled rabbits out of a fucking hat. The tattoo thing was just a side gig.

  Lexi tossed the washrag into the sink and walked with a swagger that hadn’t been there before. I tried not to stare at her ass.

  She flashed a grin, held up her hands. “Easy, Tiger.”

  “Sorry. But…do I know you?”

  Lexi’s eyes rolled. Was this really my line?

  “No, I mean it. You look familiar. You sure you were never in Columbus?”

  She shook her head. “Nope.”

  Something about her smile kept me going. I said, “We’ve met before. I know it.”

  Lexi washed out her glass. “You probably know my girlfriend. People get us confused. She’s been here almost a year.” Lexi kept talking, but the clinking glasses and people walking in made it hard to hear. The buzz didn’t help either. It was strange, tingly. I didn’t feel that drunk, just loose and confident.

  Lexi said, “She’ll be here soon.”

  I nodded, having no idea what she was talking about. I held up my drink, tried to guess what it was.

  Lexi headed to the other end of the bar to serve the new customers. “It’s good, right?” she called back.

  I took another sip and said, “Yeah.” I couldn’t place the contents, but it was delicious and I wanted another one. Lexi was making one of the girl’s a drink. Lexi kept glancing over at me, but not in a friendly way. It was like she was pissed. But I hadn’t done anything.

  I set the glass on the bar, promised myself to hold off on another one. There was a little bit of liquid at the bottom of my drink. I finished it and set the glass down harder than I meant to. Faces of the people I’d hurt flashing before me.

  Rachel, Steven, Michelle…

  The door opened and rain smacked off the sidewalk. One of the women from accounting stepped inside and shook the rain from her coat, her bulldog cheeks flapping.

  The woman saw me, pretended not to, and took a seat in a booth.

  I could feel my heart beating, felt it even in my thumbs. I needed to get home, but Lexi was no longer behind the bar.

  My knee was bouncing, made my foot slip off the bottom rung of the stool.

  Lexi walked out of the storage room looking like it was normal to disappear for ten minutes. At least it felt like that long. She greeted another customer, went to the tap, never once looked my direction.

  I considered heading over to order another drink when the front door opened. Two guys from the deli entered, nodding hello when they slid in the booth.

  My thumbs were beating a rhythm on the glass, who knows for how long. The door opened again, the rain blowing in. I didn’t check to see who it was. I kept my eyes on Lexi so I could motion for another round. I was feeling good, alive.

  Lexi poured a glass of wine without once looking up. The front door opened and closed, but Lexi was busy, wiping down the damn tap.

  A girl said, “Sorry I’m late.”

  I knew that voice. I turned toward the front door. Krystal.

  She took the last stool at the bar, just out of my reach. She smiled at Lexi, and Lexi set two drinks in front of her.

  Krystal said, “Two? You trying to get me drunk?”

  Looking like she really wanted to hear the answer, Lexi said, “Do I need to?”

  Krystal reached over and put her hand on top of Lexi’s. “What are they?”

  “They’re good.” Lexi pointed at me. “Ask your friend. He’ll tell you.”

  Krystal turned, her glare carved right through me. “What are you doing here?”

  I pointed at the roof. “Just trying to stay dry.”

  She bit the side of her lip. She looked at Lexi over at the other end of the bar then back at me. “What’d you tell her?”

  “What do you mean? We barely talked.”

  Krystal leaned forward close enough to see the concealer packed into her pockmarks. Krystal’s tongue pushed out her cheek, her huntress eyes never leaving me. “So?”

  “I didn’t say anything.”

  It suddenly felt like everyone was staring. I started to get up, but saw another drink in front of me. Lexi was walking away. She’d finally given me another.

  I picked up the drink and finished half of it, tried to get my thoughts together. The front door opened, the rain louder than before. I must have looked startled because Krystal leaned over and said, “That bother you?”

  I took another drink, looked over at Lexi bending over. “No.”

  “You going to tell her what a slut she is?”

  “What? No.”

  “She is though, just so you know.”

  I took another drink, wondered why my mind was racing, why I couldn’t understand what we were talking about.

  “These drinks are good, huh?” Krystal said.

  My skin felt hot, like I was sitting inside an oven.

  “I thought you didn’t drink.”

  “I drink.”

  “Right, two. That’s the limit.” She pushed out her bottom lip, mocking me. “Rachel said you love your rules. Only two drinks.” She wagged her finger. “And no caffeine.”

  I wrapped both hands around my glass, looked at the ice. “I didn’t realize you two were friends.

  “We’re not. It’s a small town.”

  Lexi walked up and put an arm around Krystal’s shoulder. “So? Do you like them?”

  Krystal kissed her cheek. “Absolutely perfect.”

  Lexi squeezed Krystal tight then stepped back. “What about you, Joe? Want another?”

  I kept quiet while my mind yelled at me, shouted what the hell was going on. My thoughts were jumping everywhere. The jukebox, my first kiss, the day Steven caught a frog. I thought of the rollercoaster rides with my first girlfriend, the morning I woke up in the cell after the Boots took me from my home, the ringing in my ear…

  Lexi and Krystal started laughing. Crazed, cackling laughter.

  Lexi turned toward me and smiled. “They’re good, right?”

  I nodded, bit my tongue, which was moving around my mouth like a wild snake.

  Lexi pointed at Krystal’s glass. “Another?”

  “No way, I need to sleep at some point.”

  “No you don’t. I’ll keep you company.” Lexi kissed Krystal.

  Then both of them stared at me, waiting for me to realize they were behind this scheme. I looked at my empty glass then at the bar. Next to the wine bottles and the wobbling tower of glasses, two cans of Red Bull.

  I looked down at the drink, not sure how long I’d been back thumbing a drum beat on it. I thought a stream of “oh fucks.”

  Lexi said she was going to have a smoke and walked off, disappeared into the storage room.

  Krystal looked at me like a little kid. “You’ll be fine. Go get yourself a water.”

  Four drinks didn’t seem too much until I stood, everything off. I held onto the back of the stool for balance. Every booth had a body in it. The place suddenly packed.

  I made my way down the bar, towards the storage room. The busboy waved his rag to get my attention. “Hey man, what are you looking for?”

  Louder than she needed to, same as she always talked, Gloria from Human Resources said, “Gimme a gin and tonic, a bottled water.”

  I said, “Me too, about the water.”

  The busboy pulled two waters from the cooler. One for me and one for Gloria who wouldn’t stop thinking about her two kids at home.

  I took the water, headed back to my stool where Alex, the perfectly dressed schoolboy with his bulging muscles, was now sitting.

  “Excuse me,” I said.

  Alex kept talking to Krystal, acting like he didn’t hear me. If he didn’t move out of my way in two seconds I was going to pick up my almost empty glass and slam it into his head.

  My thoughts always give everything away.

  Alex whipped around, his right hand smacking my forearm, sending the water bottle flying. Not about to apologize, Alex said, “I didn’t know you were there.”

  “That’s my seat.”

  “No need to get upset, bro.” Alex got off the stool and looked down on me. “Just saying hi.”

  I knew I was acting like an idiot, but couldn’t control it. “Well, goodbye.”

  Alex stood there, his mouth set like he had something important to say. I clenched my fist, ready to take my best shot.

  “Why don’t you find another seat,” Krystal said to me. “Or another bar.”

  Alex tried to sound tough, his eyes never leaving my hands. “You heard her.”

  Krystal finished the rest of her drink and slid it next to the empties.

  I glanced over my shoulder. Everyone in the place was looking at me or pretending not to. Except Krystal. She was too busy looking at Alex, her shoulders back, chest out.

  Without looking at me, Krystal said, “Go home, Joe.”

  It wasn’t even eleven. Twelve. Twenty-four. Forty-eight. I gave it up, my foot pumping up and down, knee bumping the stool Alex was sitting on. My fucking stool.

  “Do you like making a fool of yourself in front of everyone?” Krystal said.

  I thought everybody else could go fuck themselves. “What do I care?”

  “You should watch yourself,” Alex said.

  I looked around, no one next to us. Just Alex, Krystal, and myself.

  “It’s not good to think like that. People might not like you.” Alex smiled.

  “Who? Edward, Frances? Sheila, Gloria? They’re like eight, ten feet away.”

  The truth was there was no real way of knowing when someone else was hearing my thoughts. Not in Brightside, not unless they started thinking about the same exact shit or said something about it.

  Thunder crashed down the street, rattled the whole building. Krystal liked it, enjoyed the driving rain on the roof.

  My brain was on hyperdrive, thoughts racing around the slippery track. My problems, my options, the possible solutions.

  Krystal was past irritated. “Just leave. We’re obviously not good enough for you. You’re sooo much better than everyone, right?”

  I said no, but couldn’t stop the names flashing. Krystal’s list.

  Krystal grabbed one of the glasses and threw the ice at me. “Fuck you, Joe.”

  I took a napkin, wiped my face. I told her, “Don’t be mad. You’re a doll.” I nodded at the purse some guy bought. “You even come with all the right accessories.” I thought of everyone I knew she’d been with, the hundreds of faceless figures from her past. “Packaged for mass consumption.”

  Alex couldn’t believe all the men I was thinking about, all the horrible acts of depravity on Krystal’s body. It was turning him on.

  “We’re all just whores, right, Joe? Like Rachel?” Krystal looked at me with disgust. “You put her there. Just admit it. You made her feel like a piece of shit and she broke. You broke her.”

  I forgot everything, but the dirty no good stupid bitch in front of me.

  Krystal licked her lips, tasted victory. Knowing exactly how much it would hurt, knowing it was something I couldn’t hear, she said, “Rachel loved you, but that wasn’t enough. You had to grind her down into nothing. You’re just a pathetic coward.”

  I started walking towards the door, held up my middle finger because Krystal was too far away to know how much I hated her right then.

  She yelled, “Why don’t you tell everybody what you think of them?”

  Wendell was squeezed into the booth to my right, minding his own business, thinking he didn’t want to hear it. Stephanie slipped off her stool and hurried away, bumping my shoulder.

  “Go ahead, tell them!” Krystal screamed.

  I needed to head for the door. My mind no longer my own. Each face firing off judgments.

  Tommy and his ridiculous Mohawk, a kid who needed his ass kicked. He slunk into his seat.

  Krystal said, “See, Tommy. I’m not lying.”

  Tommy felt everyone looking at him. He got up from the bar and looked right at me, forced himself to sound strong, even with his cracking voice. “You planning on doing it or hoping someone else will?”

  “I don’t think…I mean that’s not really—”

  “Or what about Erica?” Krystal said.

  Erica, with those sad eyes, so tired because she couldn’t stop playing with herself at night, wishing she had more fingers.

  Erica’s face turned red. Her hands slipped under the table, not wanting anyone to look at them. She wouldn’t look at me, just thought about me getting sent to The Cabin.

  “You’re close enough, Wendell,” Krystal said. “Does Joe think you should either stop feeling sorry for yourself or cut out the donut holes?”

  I thought no over and over and over again.

  Everyone’s thoughts slamming into me, just like kindergarten. Everyone hating me, wishing I’d just die.

  I saw the door, took off running. Got out before I hurt someone else. The rain pummeled me as I stepped onto the Square. I headed for Main Street, splashing across the sidewalk. My life was over, a sorry joke.

  I looked back across the street sure I’d see everyone pointing, laughing their ass off, but I was alone. Here in this mountain town filled with people just like me, I was the goddamn freak.

  A strong wind nearly knocked me over when I turned the corner and left the Square behind. Down the street and over the park, the clouds were beginning to break. The giant moon hung in front of me, casting a dull white light, a spotlight on the world’s biggest asshole.

  The one who judged everyone: Krystal, Erica, Wendell, Rachel, Mom, Dad, and even poor Steven, my first real friend.

  I kept walking, tried to stay away from the spotlight. I could see the cemetery, the place I’d never been because I knew I’d see it soon enough.

  It was my own fault for drinking, for being in the bar in the first place. The sidewalk was one answer. I could bash my head into it until the voices stopped, my skull cracking on the concrete.

  I slapped myself harder than I’d ever done before and started for my apartment. That’s what everyone wanted. Sight unseen so I couldn’t hurt anyone.

  I entered the park and kept to the path. I heard Dad yelling at me to stop acting like a child. All I had to do was rationalize what I was feeling. It was my brain, I could think about what I wanted, feel whatever I told myself to. I would control my emotions, not the other way around.

  When I crossed by the pond, I saw The Cabin on the hill. I thought of checking myself in, taking a seat, swallowing whatever they gave me. At least I’d be with Rachel.

  Rachel...

  It’d been two weeks since they’d taken her from my room. Just like Steven, I’d avoided her, but it was time I looked her in the eyes, to apologize.

  The Cabin never closed. I went inside, found Rachel just sitting in the front room. Her mouth so dry, there wasn’t any drool. I asked if I could give her some water. The nurse handed me a cup and I tried to pour it in, but it just spilled out of her lips.

  Drink.

  Rachel’s eyes gained a little focus, then closed. Her throat began to swallow.

  I’m so sorry, I thought.

  Rachel’s eyes turned towards me, but there was nothing inside her head. So quiet it made me want to scream. She turned towards the window, the big moon hidden behind the clouds.

  “I understand if you hate me. You actually have some company.” I forced a laugh, hoping she’d join in, that it’d be like old times, but she just kept staring out the window. Silent, broken.

  The nurse came over and said, “It’s time for her bath.”

  “Right…”

  The orderly lifted Rachel to her feet and she took the tiniest steps down the hall. The nurse said I could wait, spend more time with her after the bath, but I’d seen enough, which is what they wanted. That’s why they allowed visitors. They wanted everyone in Brightside to know what would happen if we broke the rules.