“WHAT CAN YOU SAY ABOUT A VAMPIRE WHOSE LOYALTY CAN BE BOUGHT BY DESIGNER SHOES? CAN WE SAY, OUTRAGEOUS?”

  —The Best Reviews

  “Cheerily eerie ‘vamp lit’…a bawdy, laugh-out-loud treat!”

  —BookPage

  Undead and Unappreciated

  “A lighthearted vampire pastiche that recalls the work of Charlaine Harris or a less-broody Laurell K. Hamilton. Fans of this type of vampire fiction, where the undead are basically normal people without tans, will find Davidson’s latest novel a treat.”

  —Omaha World-Herald

  “MaryJanice Davidson has done it again! Undead and Unappreciated is a laugh-a-minute book, taking you through the insanity that has become Betsy Taylor’s life…I can’t recommend Ms. Davidson’s Undead series enough to the readers. Her twist on the vampire legend is unique…and you will spend many an hour just laughing through her books. What better way is there to spend an afternoon!”

  —Romance Junkies

  “For those of you who are already fans of the series, you will love this latest edition. For those who aren’t sure if vampire stories are their thing, I suggest you give this series a try. The comedy sets it apart from most others in this genre. Just make sure you don’t read it in public or you are bound to receive some strange looks as you continuously laugh out loud.”

  —A Romance Review

  “Fans of Davidson’s snappy dialogue and biting wit know exactly what to expect and will not be disappointed. Davidson’s trademark humor and freshly imaginative writing are fully evident…Davidson is obviously having a great time writing this series and breathing new life into conventional vampire lore…will appeal to viewers of programs like Gilmore Girls, and there’s enough butt-kicking to satisfy fans of Buffy and Alias…Undead and Unappreciated is sure to make a killing.”

  —The Romance Reader’s Connection

  “Wacky fun…MaryJanice Davidson is at her humorous biting best with this devilish tale.”

  —The Best Reviews

  “Readers who love the sassy…Queen of the Undead will enjoy this latest installment.”

  —Booklist

  “Betsy is back and ready to kick butt—with designer boots, of course! Davidson delivers more wildly witty, irreverent, and just plain funny adventures in her patently hilarious style.”

  —Romantic Times (4½ stars)

  Undead and Unemployed

  “One of the funniest, most satisfying series to come along lately. If you’re fans of Sookie Stackhouse and Anita Blake, don’t miss Betsy Taylor. She rocks.”

  —The Best Reviews

  “I don’t care what mood you are in, if you open this book you are practically guaranteed to laugh…top-notch humor and a fascinating perspective of the vampire world.”

  —Paranormal Romance Reviews

  “[A] wickedly clever and amusing romp. Davidson’s witty dialogue, fast pacing, smart plotting, laugh-out-loud humor, and sexy relationships make this a joy to read.”

  —Booklist

  “Irreverent and wickedly humorous…A kind of Anita Blake meets Stephanie Plum.”

  —Romance Reviews Today

  “A hilarious romp full of goofy twists and turns, great fun for fans of humorous vampire romance.”

  —Locus

  Undead and Unwed

  “Delightful, wicked fun!”

  Christine Feehan

  “Chick lit meets vampire action in this creative, sophisticated, sexy, and wonderfully witty book.”

  Catherine Spangler

  “Hilarious.”

  —The Best Reviews

  “Undead and Unwed is an irreverently hilarious, superbly entertaining novel of love, lust, and designer shoes. Betsy Taylor is an unrepentant fiend—about shoes. She is shallow, vain, and immensely entertaining. Her journey from life to death, or the undead, is so amusing I found myself laughing out loud while reading. Between her human friends, vampire allies, and her undead enemies, her first week as the newly undead is never boring…A reading experience that will leave you laughing and ‘dying’ for more from the talented pen of MaryJanice Davidson.”

  —Romance Reviews Today

  “A hilarious book.”

  —Paranormal Romance Reviews

  “This book is fantastic. These vampires are different from any that I’ve read about…The lead characters are strong and independent, the action fast and furious…This is one of the most erotic books that I’ve read in years.”

  —Escape to Romance

  Berkley Sensation titles by MaryJanice Davidson

  UNDEAD AND UNWED

  UNDEAD AND UNEMPLOYED

  UNDEAD AND UNAPPRECIATED

  UNDEAD AND UNRETURNABLE

  UNDEAD AND UNPOPULAR

  DEAD AND LOVING IT

  DERIK’S BANE

  Undead and Unreturnable

  MaryJanice Davidson

  BERKLEY SENSATION NEW YORK

  THE BERKLEY PUBLISHING GROUP

  Published by the Penguin Group

  Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

  375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, USA

  Penguin Group (Canada), 90 Eglinton Avenue East, Suite 700, Toronto, Ontario M4P 2Y3, Canada (a division of Pearson Penguin Canada Inc.)

  Penguin Books Ltd., 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England

  Penguin Group Ireland, 25 St. Stephen’s Green, Dublin 2, Ireland (a division of Penguin Books Ltd.)

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  Penguin Books India Pvt. Ltd., 11 Community Centre, Panchsheel Park, New Delhi—110 017, India

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  Penguin Books (South Africa) (Pty.) Ltd., 24 Sturdee Avenue, Rosebank, Johannesburg 2196, South Africa

  Penguin Books Ltd., Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental. The publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party websites or their content.

  UNDEAD AND UNRETURNABLE

  A Berkley Sensation Book / published by arrangement with the author

  Copyright © 2005 by MaryJanice Davidson Alongi.

  Excerpt from Undead and Unpopular copyright © 2006 by MaryJanice Davidson Alongi.

  Cover art by Chris Long.

  Cover design by Lesley Worrell.

  All rights reserved.

  No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form without permission. Please do not participate in or encourage piracy of copyrighted materials in violation of the author’s rights. Purchase only authorized editions.

  For information address: The Berkley Publishing Group,

  a division of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.,

  375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014.

  ISBN: 1-101-15884-0

  BERKLEY SENSATION®

  Berkley Sensation Books are published by The Berkley Publishing Group,

  a division of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.,

  375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014.

  BERKLEY SENSATION is a registered trademark of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

  The “B” design is a trademark belonging to Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

  In honor of my grandfather

  John Opitz,

  who taught me to do the best I could without complaint.

  Which, like all important life lessons,

  is lost on me.

  Contents

  Acknowledgments

  Author’s Note

  Prologue

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  Chapter 22

  Chapter 23

  Chapter 24

  Chapter 25

  Chapter 26

  Chapter 27

  Chapter 28

  Chapter 29

  Chapter 30

  Chapter 31

  Chapter 32

  Chapter 33

  Chapter 34

  Chapter 35

  Chapter 36

  Chapter 37

  Chapter 38

  Chapter 39

  Chapter 40

  Chapter 41

  Chapter 42

  Epilogue

  Acknowledgments

  First and forever I must, must, must thank my children, who are brilliant, charming, and deft at entertaining themselves when Mom’s locked in the office on deadline. They’d probably prefer my company to a few lines in a book, but as always, their expectations are too high; I’m just not that good a parent.

  Another thousand thank-yous (to go with the kisses!) to my husband, Anthony, who came up with “sinis
ter metrosexuality” and likes Betsy almost as much as he likes me. He puts up with the mood swings, speechifying, and ear-cutting that is part and parcel of living with a mass-market paperback author, and I adore him for it.

  Thanks also to my PR person/best friend/evil sidekick Jessica Growette, who I swear lies awake at night thinking about how to get my name out there. Which is cool, if creepy.

  The Magic Widows, of course, must also be thanked. I learn something every Tuesday. Even better, sometimes I retain it!

  Special thanks to Carl Hiaasen, John Sandford, and Laurell K. Hamilton for continually showing me how it’s done.

  Finally, thank you to the readers who enjoy reading about Betsy’s comings and goings and who wanted to know where she went next. Thanks for hopping in and coming for the ride.

  Author’s Note

  After seeing all the books, movies, magazines, and National Enquirer articles out there about serial killers, I got a little curious. After some research, I found that the actual number of estimated psycho killer nutjobs running around is anywhere between ten and five hundred. (For obvious reasons, it’s tough to come up with an exact number.)

  Let’s say the experts are way off, and triple the guesstimate: one thousand, five hundred. There are about three hundred million people in the United States. So roughly .0000005 percent of the population is made up of serial killers. Needless to say, chances are you’re not going to trip over one in your driveway.

  Betsy, of course, has problems most of us will never, ever have to deal with. She and Detective Nick Berry win the serial killer lottery in this tale, but, like drinking blood and endless police paperwork, it’s not something most of the rest of the population has to worry about.

  Also, colic is bad. But it doesn’t last forever.

  FROM THE BOOK OF THE DEAD:

  “And the Queene shall noe the dead, all the dead, and neither shall they hide from her nor keep secrets from her.”

  AND:

  “And she will noe Evil in many forms, and defeat it should that be her will, and be the Protector and Avenger of all the dead, for as long as shalt be the will of the Queene.”

  “Just like a spider with a line of silk! Did you ever see them throw themselves out into space to weave? They’re taking a chance, every single time. They got to do it or else they’d never create anything. But I bet it don’t feel good, even to a spider.”

  —OLIVIA GOLDSMITH,

  Fashionably Late

  “It’s not a bad little tree, really. It just needs a little love.”

  —LINUS,

  A Charlie Brown Christmas

  “There’s more of gravy than of grave about you, whatever you are!”

  —CHARLES DICKENS,

  A Christmas Carol

  Undead and Unreturnable

  Prologue

  From the St. Paul Pioneer Press December 15, 2005

  THIRD WOMAN FOUND SLAIN. Minneapolis, Minnesota.

  The body of an Edina resident was found this morning at approximately six-thirty A.M. Cathie Robinson, 26, was found in the parking lot of the Lake Street Wal-Mart. Forensics show that she had been strangled. She had been reported missing on December 13. She is believed to be the third victim of the so-called Driveway Killer, who has so far claimed at least three local victims.

  Detective Nick Berry, who has been working with the FBI since the second victim, Martha Lundquist, was found on November 23, said the investigation is pursuing several leads. “This is our top priority,” Berry said. “Nothing else even comes close.”

  Ms. Lundquist was reported missing on November 8, and her body was found in the parking lot of a White Bear Lake Target store on November 10.

  The FBI has profiled the killer, who appears to be choosing tall blond women with light-colored eyes and short hair. Although an arrest is “imminent,” Berry warns Minneapolis women to use caution when leaving their places of business.

  It is believed that the Driveway Killer has also struck in Iowa, Missouri, and Arkansas.

  The FBI and local police believe that the first local victim was Katie Johnson, 27, who was reported missing on October 28 and whose body was found on November 4 in the parking lot of the Lakeville McStop.

  From the Star Tribune

  December 17, 2005

  BORN, to Antonia Taylor and John Peter Taylor of Edina, Minnesota, a boy, Jonathon Peter Taylor II, at 12:05 A.M. on December 15 at Fairview Ridges Edina.

  Chapter 1

  This is how my tombstone read:

  ELIZABETH ANNE TAYLOR

  APRIL 25, 1974 –APRIL 25, 2004

  OUR SWEETHEART, ONLY RESTING

  “That’s just so depressing,” my best friend, Jessica Watkins, observed.

  “It’s weird.” My sister, Laura Goodman, was staring. “That is very, very weird.”

  “Our sweetheart, only resting?” I asked. “What the hell’s that supposed to mean?”

  “I think it’s nice,” my sister said, a little hesitantly. She looked like a dirty old man’s dream with her long, butterscotch-blond hair, big blue eyes, and red peacoat. You know how ministers’ kids will sometimes go wild when they finally get away from their parents? Laura was the devil’s daughter (no, really), so her way of rebelling was to be as nice and sweet as possible. A dastardly plan. “It’s a little different. Most of the people I know would have gone with a Bible verse, but your mama certainly didn’t have to.”

  “Given how things turned out,” Jess replied, running a hand over her skinned-back black hair, “it’s a little prophetic, don’t you think?” As usual, when she put her hair up, she pulled it back so tightly, the arch of her eyebrows made her look constantly amazed. Though it’s possible, given where we were standing, that she really was amazed.

  “I think standing in front of my own grave is the last place I want to be on the seventeenth day of December, is what I think.” Depressing and creepy. Must be the holidays.

  Jessica sighed again and rested her forehead on my shoulder. “Poor Betsy. I can’t get over it. You were so young!”

  Laura smirked a little. “Like turning thirty wasn’t enough of a trauma. Poor Betsy.”

  “So young!”

  “Will you pull yourself together, please? I’m right here.” I stuck my hands into my coat pockets and sulked. “What is it, like ten below out? I’m freezing.”

  “You’re always freezing. Don’t bitch if you’re going to go outside without your gloves. And it’s thirty-five degrees, you big baby.”

  “Would you like my coat?” Laura said. “I don’t really feel the cold.”

  “Another one of your sinister powers,” Jessica said. “We’ll add it to the list with weapons made of hellfire and always being able to calculate a twenty-two percent tip. Now Bets, run this by me again…how’d your tombstone finally show up here?”

  I explained, hopefully for the last time. I had, of course, died in the spring. Rose in the early dawn hours the day of my funeral and gone on undead walkabout. Because my body was MIA, the funeral was cancelled.

  But my mother, who had been in a huge fight with my dad and stepmom about what to spend on my marble tombstone, had rushed to order the thing. By the time it was finished, no funeral, no service, no burial. (My family knew the truth about what I was now, and so did Jessica. My other coworkers and friends had been told the funeral had been a joke, one in very poor taste.)