“I know. I lived with them. They weren't all over each other or anything. But they got on well enough. Then she left. Who knows why? Because neither one of us was enough for her to stick around. Maybe she had to go and find herself or something. But she didn't have to go like that.”

  “All I'm saying is that it doesn't sound like you have the full story. From the things your mother said, she was unhappy with your dad.”

  “Yes, he could do nothing right for her. She always wanted more. More money. A bigger house. He said she was always on at him. That he was never good enough for her. And because she left, I sure as hell wasn't enough for her either.”

  “That's not what she says.”

  “Well, that's great then. You either believe my mother or you believe me. Which is it to be?”

  “Can't you both be right? You only saw what you saw. You didn't have her experience of living with your dad.”

  “What the fuck has she been saying? That Dad was bad to her? Because if he was, I'd know that. He was the kindest guy I ever knew. You know fuck all about it.”

  “Okay, then I give up.” Amy turns her back on me and I want to plead with her to drop the whole subject, to let us get back to where we were. But I get the cold silent treatment again.

  I take her home. This is what happens when you start to care. They turn against you. They walk away.

  CHAPTER 22

  Amy

  I should have just left things alone. We were happy and then I ruined it. But he's so stubborn. Why can't he just try to see things from his mother's point of view? I still can't trust him. One minute he's making me feel good, the next he's cold and heartless. It feels like a fire has been put out as I sit there miserably in the passenger seat.

  When he drops me at home, I get out of the car and don't look back. I don't want him to see the tears of disappointment in my eyes. I feel sorry for him not having a relationship with his mother, but it's his own pig-headed fault. Maybe she's telling me fairy tales, but I don't think so, and he could at least listen to her. If he won't hear her out, why would he be any different if we ever had a fight?

  But I was so happy yesterday and this morning with him. I wanted that to go on forever. I have to hide my tears from Grace and Dad and I make excuses and go upstairs to bed. It was supposed to be a lovely couple of days at the seaside, but I wish we hadn't gone to the stupid beach. Then I wouldn't have known how happy I could be, only to have that crushed.

  *

  I'm so upset, I don't even want to call Sandra, but I can't hide from her for long. I meet her after work a couple of days later. It's the XT Music Awards soon. She's super excited and I get pulled along with the buzz of it all, but I still hurt inside.

  “See,” she says. “You went out with Ronan. I knew you could do it. How was your seaside date, by the way? You wouldn't tell me on the phone.”

  I give her a quick summary and burst into tears. She gives me a hug. “You're right. He's too stubborn for his own good.”

  “He thinks I'm on his mother's side. I am, but I'm on his side too.”

  “Has he tried to talk to you since?”

  “No.”

  And I burst into tears again. I wrecked everything by interfering.

  CHAPTER 23

  Ronan

  I'm out with Tom but I don't feel like joining in the usual banter with him. I thought Amy was different. But it's like she took my mother's side. It hurts, but I have to move on from this. There are women in the bar I'd normally start talking to. Tom points them out, but I haven't got the slightest interest in them.

  “What's up with you tonight?” Tom says. “Your record will be slipping.”

  Tom's always on about the amount of time it takes me to get a girl talking, like there's some secret to it other than harmless flirting to let a woman know I like her, and actually asking her out rather than chickening out.

  “I just want to have a beer in peace tonight.”

  “It's that nurse, isn't it? You've really got it bad, mate.”

  I give him the finger. And he laughs. “Thought so.”

  “She wants me to talk to my mother.”

  “And that would be a reason for giving up on women in general? I thought you and your mother were back in touch.”

  “We are, just not close.”

  “Fair enough.”

  I gave Tom the truncated version of my past once. “The bitch up and left when I was thirteen. I never saw her for years after that.” He never asked me about it. Guys just don't talk about that stuff, thank fuck for that. They're not forever nagging about it and trying make everything in the world sweet when nothing can change what happened in the past.

  But despite everything, on my way home I realize I want Amy, even though I expect she doesn't want me now. She probably thinks I'm hard-hearted and insensitive, no better than the guys at school. I'd still like to punch that fucker who spread rumors about her. I call her when I get home. But she doesn't pick up her phone. Maybe she's at work. I imagine her phone ringing in her locker.

  I wait until I think she might be home, if she was at work when I called, and I go around to Holburn Crescent—without the fire truck this time.

  Mrs. Jenkins is in her garden, next door to Amy's house.

  “Hey,” she says. “Just the guy.”

  I look up at the tree. “Has your cat got himself stuck again?”

  “No, not today. Toby learned his lesson. It was about time. That's four times he's been stuck.”

  I glance over at Amy's house. There's no sign of anyone there.

  “Amy's not here,” she says, eyeing me suspiciously. “She's been going around with her face as long as a fiddle. And it seems to me you might have something to do with that, if you're the guy she's been dating.”

  “I doubt she cares enough about me for that to be my fault,” I say.

  She raises her eyebrows at me.

  “You think it's my fault?”

  “Fault? Fiddlesticks. Who cares about whose fault it is? It's Toby fault he keeps climbing trees, but I have to get him down. Maybe something scared him up there, but the result is the same.”

  She looks at me as if making sure I’m listening. I get the feeling I’d get a rap on my knuckles if I wasn’t paying attention.

  She continues. “Doesn't really matter what the cause was—why he climbed the tree. I can still fix it, so I do. Whatever scared him might have been all in his head, but it was still real enough to him to have run up there as if his life depended on it. Same with your mother.”

  “My mother? What has Amy been saying?”

  “Not much. She asked my advice. She always comes around here when she needs to talk. She always has. She cares about people, that one. Hates to see them falling out if there's no need. Anyway, her dad is distraught just now because she's got it into her head to go nursing in New Zealand.”

  “New Zealand? Is she serious?”

  “Seems like she is, this time. She's always talked about going over there as an agency nurse. She had plans, but none of us thought she would do it. I don't know why anyone would want to go and live on the other side of the world when there's nothing wrong with this side. I'll miss her when she goes.”

  “When is she planning on going?”

  “She said November. She just needs to get all the paperwork sorted out.”

  “But she never said anything about that to me.”

  “It was a kind of ‘maybe someday’ plan that suddenly became a ‘this November’ plan. I don't know if that has anything to do with you, but you've got a lot to answer for if it was.” She looks at me sharply.

  “Me? I don't think so. I only just met her.” But I feel myself faltering under Mrs. Jenkins' scrutiny. “Unless…”

  “Unless?” she encourages. I don't know why I'm taking to her about it. I should be talking to Amy.

  “Unless?” she repeats.

  “Unless I upset her by freezing her out after she tried to talk to me about my mother.”

  “It sounds like you should do less freezing people out and more listening.”

  I want to tell the old woman she's wrong, and that Amy's wrong about my mother, but maybe there's something in her cat story. Sometimes you just have to get the cat down, whatever the reason it took flight.

  “You know, Amy lost her own mother when she was eleven. She would do anything to be able to talk to her now. Maybe that's why this upsets her so much. I don't think she'd be planning to go to New Zealand if her dad was on his own, but he's happily settled again now. Amy never said this, but maybe she thinks there's nothing to keep her here now.”

  She's wrong about that, too, but I've been fucking useless at showing her. I just hope she hasn't made any drastic decisions because of me.

  CHAPTER 24

  Amy

  The information from the New Zealand agency came in the mail today, so I have to speak to Sandra.

  “You're not going to do it? You're always talking about it but I thought it was just an idea,” she says. “I'd hate it if you went.”

  “It won't be forever. I'm only applying for a five-year visa.”

  “Five years! Oh, Amy. You're running away!”

  “I'm not. I always thought it would be a great place to work. The pay is much better than here and it's beautiful over there.”

  “But you love your job in the hospital.”

  It's true. I do. “Maybe I just need a change.”

  “A change from your family and friends.”

  “No. Never that.”

  “A change from yourself.”

  “You're psychoanalyzing me again. Will you stop already?”

  “Wherever you go, you'll still be you. You can't run away from that. Not that you need to. You're fine just as you are. Just because it didn't work out with one guy doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. It sounds to me like there's something wrong with him.”

  “It's not just one guy, it's every guy. They're all the same. Maybe New Zealanders will be different.”

  “You really think that?”

  I grin at her. “Actually, no. That's unlikely. Guys are guys. They'll be just the same but with a cuter accent.”

  *

  I have to get to work then, so I give Sandra a hug and get in my car. I'm still thinking about what she said when I go for my afternoon break in the reception area and bump into Mrs. Kendall with a huge bunch of flowers.

  “These are for you, to thank you,” she says handing me the flowers.

  “Thank you and you're welcome, but I didn't do anything special.”

  “Well, actually you did. Have you got a moment to talk?”

  We find a quiet corner of the cafe.

  “Ronan told me he took you out and you told him to listen to me.”

  “Yes, but I think it fell on deaf ears. He was annoyed at me for interfering.”

  “Maybe at first, but he called me earlier today and took me for lunch.”

  “Really?”

  “I told him everything. Well, not exactly everything. Not the worst things his dad did to me. I didn't want to completely wreck his boyhood memories, but enough that he understood why I had to go and why I thought it was better that he stay with his father who loved him so much. I thought he'd have a better, more stable life with him, but I didn't expect my husband to cut off all ties and poison Ronan against me. I thought I'd be able to pick back up with him after I was settled.”

  “You know, a court might have granted you custody or access.”

  “Yes, that's true, but that would have meant fighting Derek, Ronan's father, and everything coming out, doing just as much harm.”

  “So now Ronan's accepted what happened? Has he forgiven you?”

  “I think so. It's early days, but I think we'll be okay.”

  I give her a hug. My break is over; I have to get back to the ward.

  Even if interfering cost me, I'm pleased I did it. I just wish they had never become estranged and I still had Ronan. New Zealand was always my plan, but five years so far from home? What was I thinking? Sandra's right. Everything about my life here is good apart from my love life. Am I really running away because of one guy? But I can't live the rest of my life like this. Nothing changing.

  I finish my shift and gather up my bouquet to go home.

  Ronan is waiting for me at the entrance of the hospital.

  “Who's been buying you flowers?” he asks, before he even says hello.

  CHAPTER 25

  Ronan

  I shouldn't have said that. She gives me a filthy look and flounces past me.

  “I'm sorry, Amy.” I run after her, and she turns around, her eyes blazing. “You deserve a whole florist of flowers.”

  “Your mother brought them.”

  “Did she tell you we talked? She explained everything. I should have listened years ago.”

  “Yes, you should have.”

  “It's hard to believe Dad was like that with her, but when I think about it, what she said could easily have been true. I didn't think anything was wrong. They never fought.”

  “Sandra says you only fight if you care.”

  “True enough. We’ve fought plenty, you and I. I'm not surprised Sandra would have a view on it. I'm dying to meet your friend, though I can't say I'm not scared at the idea.”

  She laughs. “Be prepared to be scrutinized if you do.”

  “Please tell me you're not going to New Zealand. I just found you. I don't want to lose you.”

  “Who told you I was going?”

  “Your next door neighbor.”

  “Oh, Mrs. Jenkins. Yes. I applied for my visa.”

  It's like a punch in the gut. “You talked about trips you'd like to take some day. I didn't think you were that serious. I didn't think you meant now.”

  “I wasn't serious, and then suddenly I was. I needed a change of scene.”

  “Drastic. You could have just gone to Blackpool.”

  “Not far enough.”

  “Littlehampton would be too far for you to go, if I have any say in it.”

  “That's only five miles away.”

  “Exactly.”

  “I go there all the time for shopping.”

  “I can live with that, if you don't go all Antipodean on me and disappear to the other side of the globe.”

  I want to hold her and never let her go.

  “I'd better get home,” she says. “I have a lot to do.”

  “Come to dinner with me.”

  “I don't know. Is there any point now? I won't be here in a couple of months.”

  “How can I persuade you to stay if you won't see me?”

  “I expect you'll get over it. You managed to give me up pretty easily a few days ago.”

  “I thought you were different. You made me different. I want to be with you.”

  “You hurt me, Ronan. One minute you were saying I was different, the next you were walking away.”

  “I'm sorry I was stubborn about my mother.”

  “I'm sorry too. Look, I have to go.”

  And she walks out of my life. Just like my mother did. But I won't make the mistake of just accepting it this time. Not if I can help it.

  CHAPTER 26

  Amy

  I find my car and sit in the driving seat and burst into tears. I cry because I think I made a big mistake. I cry because I'm going to New Zealand and I don't even know why I'm going.

  I drive away, and then I have to stop the car on the way home because I start crying again. So I sit and wallow in misery for a while while the traffic whizzes past and no one can see me or ask me what's wrong. I sit where I can just wish everything didn't have to go so wrong when it could have been so right.

  But in the end, crying changes nothing. I am still in exactly the same situation as I was when I stopped the car, but now I probably look like a total freak from all the tears, too. I dry my eyes, blow my nose and tidy myself up. I don't want to frighten Dad and Grace. And I get on my way, because what else is there to do?

  By the time I get home, it's a little later than usual, but the long days of August mean it's not dark yet. I don't want to have to talk to my family. I'm hoping I can say “Hello” and sneak into my room like a wayward teenager.

  But there's a commotion at Mrs. Jenkins’. She's in the front garden with a few neighborhood kids gathered around her, their bikes sprawled on her lawn. They are all looking up at the tree in front of her house. I get out of my car and wander over.

  “I can't get him to come down,” she says. Not this again! I look up into the tree, expecting to see the ginger fur of her frightened cat, but there's only Ronan there, half-hidden by the leafy branches, looking down at me. I catch Toby sitting in Mrs. Jenkin's open doorway, looking out as smugly as only a well-fed house cat can.

  My heart skips a beat. “What are you doing up there?”

  “Waiting for someone to tempt me down,” he says. “I won't come down for anything less than another chance.”

  “Not a can of tuna?” I say. “Won't that do?”

  “That won't do at all. A tuna club mayo sandwich with the right girl, maybe. But that's my final offer.”

  “I guess it will have to be another chance then,” I say. “I've never liked tuna.”

  He climbs down from the tree like he's been climbing up and down the things all this life. “Sorry, for using your tree, Mrs. Jenkins.” he says.

  “My pleasure. Anytime.” And she winks at him.

  The kids start to gather their bikes and go off on their way, excitement over.

  “I hope you haven't had dinner yet,” he says. “Because I'd like to take you out. It doesn't have to be tuna.”

  I start pulling twigs out where they have become caught up in his hair.

  “I'd love that,” I say. “But I'd like it even better if you took me home with you.”

  “Come on, Toby,” I hear Mrs. Jenkins say. “Salmon for tea tonight. I think a celebration is in order.”

  CHAPTER 27

  Ronan