There were so many times in his life that he needed someone he was close to to say those words to him that never came.

  He couldn’t say them to his mother because he didn’t want to worry or burden her. She’d dealt with it with his father’s career and worried about him.

  His parents knew what the job entailed. There was no reason to give them specifics.

  “I talk to myself at times. Not out loud. Sometimes it helps, other times...I have no idea.”

  “You won’t know until you tell me,” she said. She put her head on his shoulder, her hand on his heart.

  “I was working on a case. A serial killer. It started in Arizona and crossed state lines. I’d been on the case for years and we finally got a good lead on him. We were driving through New Mexico in the middle of the night and I slammed on the brakes. At first I thought it was an animal that ran out in front of me. But it wasn’t. It was a boy. Six years old.”

  “In the middle of the night?”

  “Yeah,” he said, taking a deep breath. “It was dark. No street lights or anything. We were surrounded by woods.” He could still smell the damp leaves at times and it brought back memories of that night he wished he could wash away. That and wet soil. The kind that clung under your fingernails that no amount of scrubbing could get out for days.

  “He was alone at night in the woods?” she asked.

  “He was escaping,” he said. “He was maybe thirty pounds. So emaciated I didn’t even think he was that old. He was fighting us as we tried to calm him. There was another agent with me.” He and Nick didn’t talk much anymore. They were both traumatized by what they’d seen. “There were red welts and blisters on the boy’s body.” He shook his head. “The bruising and the dirt. So dirty that it almost looked like the color of his skin rather than what could be washed off. His torn too small clothes not much better.”

  “What happened?”

  “I called an ambulance to meet us on the scene. We got Kevin. That was his name. We found out later when his parents were located. We got him calmed down by the time they arrived. We convinced him we were there to help.”

  “I can’t even imagine this.”

  “My partner had a candy bar with him and gave it to the kid who all but inhaled it. Not that I thought the kid even knew what he was eating.”

  The distrust in the young boy's eyes would never leave him.

  “Just tell me if he’s okay now,” she said. “You can still talk, but I want to know if there is a happy ending.”

  “Kevin is alive,” he said. “And back with his parents.” He wasn’t sure Kevin would ever be okay or that there could be much of a happy ending either.

  “That’s good,” she said, letting out a breath. “Go on. Sorry to interrupt.”

  “I need to gather my thoughts. I don’t want to give you any more details. You don’t need to see what I can’t un-see, even if it’s just from my words.”

  “Give what you think you need to,” she said. “I’m stronger than you think.”

  “He’d been abducted when he was one. Thankfully his prints were in the system because his parents did that at the mall one day. But for five years he’d been living in squalor with two other young kids. They were in a cramped room on the floor, no windows, no light, barely fed, no place to go to the bathroom but in a corner.”

  She put her hand in front of her mouth. “That’s worse than some of the places I’ve been,” she said.

  He’d forgotten she would have seen situations up close. That she could handle it more than most.

  “I’ve never seen anything like it. The smells and the sight will never leave my brain,” he said. “But we were there on another case and had to do our job. We turned Kevin over to the local police, managed to get back on track and got our serial killer the next day.”

  “There is more to it,” she said. “I can’t see you leaving without knowing what happened with Kevin.”

  “I couldn’t leave,” he said. “The local police didn’t like our interference, but we managed to convince them we had more resources. We went back and found where he’d been held. At that point, all we’d been able to do was figure out who the boy was. He didn’t do much more than grunt and say a few words. It’s not like anyone was teaching them. They were more like pets in a cage, but locked in a room.”

  His hand was moving up and down her back after he felt her shudder.

  “I hope that person was caught.”

  “I killed him,” he said.

  She leaned back and looked at his face. “You did your job,” she said.

  “I got a medal for it,” he said. “I threw it out.”

  Once they figured out where Kevin was being held, they found the cabin and breached the location.

  The asshole pulled a gun on him and he fired before he was hit, killing him instantly.

  They found all sorts of guns and explosives in the house. Calling in the bomb squad before they could clear the cabin had been the longest few hours of his life.

  When they got the all clear, they went running through the house looking for any signs or clues. Finding two more kids in a secret room in the basement turned his stomach. It was the smell that led them there.

  He’d had to race outside to empty his gut. Many had followed him in that same spot.

  “I’m sure those parents thought you were a hero,” she said.

  “It didn’t feel that way,” he said. “We found two other kids imprisoned there and the remains of four other young bodies in the garage.”

  Her hand went to her mouth. “That’s horrible.”

  “We saved three, but I’m not sure how they are doing. I’ve reached out to Kevin’s parents a few times. Normally they reply back, but they haven’t in a while.”

  “They could be busy,” she said. “Or have a lot going on.”

  “Or they are just trying to put their lives together,” he said. “Like I’m trying to do.”

  “Keri wasn’t there for you during this, was she?”

  “No. I couldn’t even bring it up. I got home and she asked if we got our person and I said yes. I told her about Kevin and why we were there longer and she shut me down. She didn’t even know I killed the guy.”

  “You did your job,” she said again. “Don’t talk about killing him. That makes it worse for you.”

  He supposed she was right. “Dahlia. I’ve never felt like I wanted to kill anyone before. I’ve seen some horrible things in my life. But this, I was glad he pulled the gun and fired at me. He missed, I didn’t. He gave me the excuse I needed.”

  “You can tell yourself that as much as you want,” she said. “But you know you would have never fired if he didn’t fire first.”

  He needed someone to tell him that too. “It doesn’t matter,” he said. “It broke me. I can do my job. I can fire a gun if I need to. I’d do it again. But you need time to shut these things off.”

  “You need to get them off your chest. Did you talk to anyone about it if you couldn’t talk to Keri?”

  “Mandated counseling before I could return to the job. Keri didn’t understand why I needed it. I finally told her why.”

  “You mean she didn’t know you shot the guy?” she said.

  “No,” he said. “She kept cutting me off.”

  More like screaming at him to stop talking. That she couldn’t handle what he was saying and didn’t want to hear it.

  He let her have her way as he kept it in and it ate away at him.

  A hole in his stomach and a tiny one in his heart.

  “That’s horrible,” she said. “I’m so sorry you went through it all alone. I won’t do that to you. Never think that. I can handle it.”

  “I know you can,” he said. “You had to know I had a breakdown.”

  “Like an out-of-work mental breakdown?” she asked.

  “Only out until the counselor released me. It’s not like I was in a hospital. I just felt I didn’t have anyone to talk to other than that counselor and that felt cold. Sometimes you need someone that cares about you to just listen.”

  “You do,” she said. “I’m listening.”

  He kissed her on the top of her head. “You are. I’m not a weak person.”

  “I never thought that. I think what happened to you is a normal reaction. You’re human. You’re still strong. There are plenty that might not be able to go back to their job at all.”

  “This all happened last year. I was out for a few weeks. I went back, but I felt as if I was losing what was left of me. My marriage was over and nothing was going to save it. I resented her for not being there for me and she resented me for not being there for her.”

  Dahlia snorted. “Hardly the same thing.”

  “I didn’t think so, but it didn’t matter. We ended things to move on. There was no reason for me to stay there any longer. Keri’s family and friends were there, but not mine. I didn’t care where I went, but I needed a change. This job opened first and I thought, there you go. A much calmer life.”

  “It is calm here.”

  “It won’t be in seven months or so,” he said, his hand dropping to her belly.

  “No,” she said. “I’ll be here for you, Hugh. Because I don’t give in. I don’t give up. We’ve got a child we are going to raise together and we can do it. But there has to be give and take. I don’t need specifics in your job. Only what you are allowed to say and want to tell me. I need you to tell me what I can do to help you. I know you don’t sleep. It’s not just seeing how tired you are, but how tense you are in bed.”

  “Nightmares,” he said. “Not always, but enough. At times it causes me not to even want to sleep.”

  “Ivy used to get them,” she said. “She was sensitive and seeing kids our age suffering was hard for her. She’d crawl in bed with me or Jasmine and we’d tell her a story to help her sleep.”

  He smiled. “A made-up one?”

  “Yeah,” she said. “Jasmine was better at it than me. Or at least in telling Ivy things that helped. I’d just talk about the things I thought were happening in America and what I couldn’t wait for.”

  “Like tacos?” he asked.

  She laughed. “I didn’t know what tacos were at that time.” She stood up. “But I do now and I can eat them. That didn’t make me ill, what you told me. It made me sad. For the victims and you. You’re a victim too, Hugh.”

  “Not even close.”

  “Don’t do that,” she said. “You are but in a different way. To help others you lose a part of yourself. Just know I’m here to help you find it if not repair it. But you’ve got to let me in.”

  She was in the kitchen now, getting their dinner back out.

  Maybe now was the time to say he let her in more than anyone else had been before.

  “How scared would you be if I told you how I really felt?” he asked.

  She turned to look at him. “Only say it because you feel it and not because you think I want to hear it.”

  He started to laugh. “You know, you’re good for me. I’m going to say it because I need you to know. I need to get it off my chest. I need to be able to not keep what I’m feeling inside because I’m afraid that someone isn’t ready to hear it or doesn’t want to.”

  She moved to his side and then hugged him. “Say it to me,” she said. “I’m ready.”

  “I love you,” he said. “Baby or not. I was feeling it before you found out you were pregnant. Then it just magnified.”

  “I love you too. But for me, I wasn’t sure what I felt. I’ve never loved anyone other than family before. I just wasn’t positive. When I found out I was pregnant, as scared as I was, I also knew the truth.”

  “That you can’t live without me?” he asked.

  “I love you, but I don’t know I’d go that far just yet,” she said, laughing. “But you did bring me tacos, so that is a point in your favor.”

  “Let’s eat them,” he said.

  “All of them,” she said. “Baby is hungry.”

  “Daddy is too,” he said. “Don’t suppose maybe later we can make up some more?”

  “We can,” she said. “I’m glad we talked this out.”

  “Me too,” he said. “What a novel idea. Talking instead of guessing and assuming.”

  29

  MAKES YOU HAPPY

  “Did you work it out?” Ivy asked her when she walked into her office building the next morning.

  “You’re here early,” Dahlia said.

  “Because you’re always early and I wanted a chance to talk to you. Jasmine is here too. Let’s go to the flower shop.”

  She knew there was no getting out of this.

  “Can I put my stuff down first?”

  “No,” Ivy said, grabbing her arm. “If you go to your office you’ll start working and then I won’t be able to get you away and you’ll worry other people would be here and you won’t want to talk.”

  Ivy was tugging her to the back room where Jasmine was now anyway. Her sister had one hell of a grip on her.

  “Fine,” she said.

  “You couldn’t even let Dahlia get her coffee?” Jasmine asked.

  “See,” she said. “Ivy sure is pushy.”

  “We were just worried about you. Ivy said she thought you were crying in the shower but knew you wouldn’t want to be questioned.”

  Dahlia had been crying but only because she was puking the ice cream up and it hurt. She didn’t want to make a lot of noise but obviously didn’t do that great of a job at it.

  “I don’t like to be questioned,” she said. “But it’s over with. I got my files; they are keeping my computer. I don’t want it. It’s better to not have it and let them look all they want. Other than that one file, they won’t find anything else to tie me to Shawn. I just want this all behind me.”

  “Hopefully it will be now,” Jasmine said. “How are things with you and Hugh?”

  “They are fine,” she said. “Better.”

  “So you’re not going to break up?” Ivy asked. “Even though he annoyed me the other night, I still like him. I think he makes you happy.”

  She could tell her sisters about the baby. It’d be a good time, but she wouldn’t.

  There was still part of her that was embarrassed she was in this situation.

  Even if she did love Hugh.

  “He does make me happy. We talked. He opened up about his past and why he said what he did to me. He didn’t believe I was lying to him, but you know, sometimes emotions run high.”

  “Tell us about his past,” Ivy said.

  “Or not,” Jasmine said. “It’s probably personal.”

  “It is personal,” she said. “I won’t betray it. I’ll just say that what he told me was something emotional and traumatic that he went through in his job. His wife wasn’t there for him. She wouldn’t even let him talk about it when he needed someone. She resented him for not being there and he resented her for not letting him be who he was.”

  “You shouldn’t stay with someone you don’t even like,” Ivy said.

  “He said nothing about liking. I believe he loved his wife, but sometimes it’s not enough,” she said. “And that is all I’m saying. I won’t say more. I understand his job and what it entails. He knows the person I am. I think we are in a good spot.”

  “Are you moving in with him?” Ivy asked.

  The appalled look on her face had to be enough for Jasmine to start laughing. “Why would you ask that of Dahlia? You know her, she never moves fast with anything. If we didn’t live in the same town as her we wouldn’t even know what was going on in her life.”

  “Which isn’t fair,” Ivy said. “At least she is opening up to us more.”

  She rolled her eyes. “I’m still the same person I used to be. Or will always be. Now can I go to work?”

  “You can,” Jasmine said. “After I tell you both I’m pregnant again.”

  Ivy squealed and Dahlia smiled. They both ran to hug Jasmine.

  “How are you feeling?” she asked.

  “When are you due?” Ivy asked.

  “Early February. The fifth, but you know that is just an estimate.”

  One month before her child would be born. Things just got interesting.

  Not that she was ready to say she was pregnant just yet.

  “I’m so excited for you,” she said.

  “I can’t wait to have another niece or nephew,” Ivy said. “Brooks and I haven’t set a wedding date yet. I didn’t want to wait too long, but wanted to get married in nice weather. Maybe the spring. May or June? You’d be back to work by then and ready, right?”

  “I will be,” Jasmine said.

  Dahlia would be a few months out from giving birth too. “That sounds like it would work,” she said. Not that she had much say.

  “I’m going to talk to Brooks about it more,” Ivy said. “I’m glad you told me. We haven’t firmed anything up, but I don’t want to wait. He’s not getting any younger and I want a baby too.”

  “Just wait until you’re married,” Jasmine said, laughing.

  Dahlia felt the heat fill her face. “I will,” Ivy said. “Normally Dahlia would be the one to say that to me.”

  “You’re an adult,” she said. “You can make your own decisions.”

  “Hugh really is great for you,” Ivy said, dancing out of the office.

  “That was nice of you,” Jasmine said to her.

  “It’s the truth. You know it too. She’s happy and that is all that should matter.”

  “It is all that matters. Just like you’re happy too. You even have nice bright colors on more.”

  “What can I say? Ivy said sometimes colors are brighter. The air is fresher. Food tastes better.”

  “Someone is in love,” Violet said, walking into the back room. “I know that feeling well. Are you in love with this sexy guy I’ve been hearing about but haven’t met yet?”

  Jasmine was looking at her. “I am,” Dahlia said.

  Her sister hugged her. “You need to tell Ivy you just said that. She’ll be upset if she hears it from someone else.”

  She sighed. “I know. I’ll go hunt her down. Let me guess, she’s probably with Poppy?”