All The Things You'll Never Know, p.1
All The Things You'll Never Know
by Olivia Antonio
A broken heart can feel mended when you meet someone new, but it can break just as quickly when your affection isn't returned. As messy and cruel as heartbreak is, it is also a great teacher. I have learnt what I do, and don't want. What parts of myself need to be repaired before I give my heart away next time. The difference between conditional and unconditional love. Love and all its disguise's and surprises will take you by storm and it is beautiful.
You Were A Bit Tipsy
You were a bit tipsy
And I never drink,
You laugh all the time, while I cry in my sleep,
Could you ever love what we had before?
If I changed my ways and become more?
We sang close together and I wanted to lean in,
How would it feel to kiss you again?
I’ve kissed you in my dreams
But I want what is real,
You were my best friend
Once upon a time,
Now that we’ve grown up,
I want to share what I see of our future,
That so far exists only in my head.
You’d place your hand on the small of my back
My skin would tingle,
And I’d lean back,
Into your embrace
For the first time,
Feels like falling
For what is already mine.
You were a bit tipsy
And I never drink,
This time I can’t afford to over think
If I did, I’d chicken out,
When what I want most
Is to know you’ll always be around.
Feels like falling for the first time
For what is already mine
I’ll be your lady
If you be my gentlemen,
Since I was little I thought we would last.
Long ago I joked that one day we’d wed
I’d tell my friends and family this,
This idea in my head.
Maybe it wasn’t so funny after all
What was once an idea could really be my future
Trunks Of Trees
I want to doodle your name in the backs of books,
And carve our initials into the trunks of trees,
I want to kiss your face,
And hold your hand while we walk through the falling leaves.
Never before have I looked at you this way,
Never before have I laughed so hard,
That my throat ached for days,
Maybe its a sign that I've been looking for love in all the wrong ways.
Darling, I love you,
Who would have guessed?
Best friends from years ago,
Ready to love and reconnect.
You bring out the happiness in me
Joy that I didn't know was there,
you've reawakened my soul,
I'm shining brightly here.
I awoke for the second time that night,
Sleeping off the day that was my 21st birthday,
My face still ached from all the smiling,
My throat still hurt from all the laughing,
All that joy emanating from the company of one person.
I have wondered alone, and aloud, if my heart belongs to him.
Sometimes I am adamant that it is true,
Others, I question my own validity of thought.
But that night, after that blissful day
I lay in bed, eyes open to a feeling of deep confusion.
As I examine my mood, my thoughts, my pulse,
Am I in Love?
Her, Over me
Why not me?
I thought I would love you
Forever and to eternity,
I know you better,
I've known you longer;
I've written songs about you in my sleep,
I awake from a daydream,
For only you my knees are weak.
I feel sick,
My heart is racing,
Please, not now,
When I was finally starting to feel whole,
My heart was starting to heal.
I don't want to see you.
I don't know if I could look at your face,
See her with you,
Thinking about it hurts enough,
The Facebook status that I will always curse,
I wish I hadn't seen it,
I wish it wasn’t true.
I'm already dreading the selfies you'll take together,
The kisses captured on screen,
The cutesy updates I'll vomit over,
When it sinks in that your with her, not with me.
He's with her;
Blond and beautiful,
Thin and small,
I think I might be sick,
Or better yet sob
And never leave my room.
How could he not know?
That I am deeply,
In love with him?
How could he fall for her instead?
Easily, I suppose.
She's stunningly gorgeous
And I'm just a friend,
Just a mate;
Nothing too serious
To ever consider,
To ever date,
That perhaps I've been not so subtly
Flirting with him for years.
I'm going to admit something not very nice.
But I don't want to see him happier with somebody else,
I hope the relationship is doomed to end,
So I don't have to hear of the wonderful tales they've shared,
Of the glorious trips they've taken,
Of the kisses they'll savour,
Of the love they'll make together.
This. Kills. Me.
I feel myself breaking,
I feel the purple bruises forming in my chest,
I feel the tears threaten to spill,
I feel our friendship grinding to a standstill.
I'm alone again.
I'm alone still.
This pains me more than he will ever know,
And I wish he did,
I wish he could see,
The pain in my eyes,
That has brought me to my knees,
The poems he will never read,
The songs he will never hear me sing,
The chocked up way I get,
When I realise we're not meant to be.
I reacted out of bitterness,
I reacted out of hate,
All because he choose her instead,
And I only have myself to blame,
Because I didn't speak up,
No, I didn't say a word,
Of how I've been quietly in love with him for years.
I might do something drastic,
To stop these feeling from hurting me any more than they already have,
Drastic, dangerous, deadly,
A thrill to stop my mind from racing with thoughts of him
Who hurt me
Who broke me
Who once mended me
That I can't get over
That I don't want to
That saved me and lost me just as quickly
This isn’t easy
Him, him, him.
Love me, leave me, break me
There is something immensely gut wrenching
About watching the one you love,
Love someone else.
It hurts more than I care to admit,
It aches more than I can bare,
I’ve always thought I could deal with heartbreak
As long as it wasn’t you standing there.
It's my worst nightmare
That another girl is in love with you.
Bound to break me,
Bound to shake me,
Ready to bring me to my knees,
I'd do anything to please.
Love me, leave me, break me.
Extra make-up on,
My heart beats for you.
I try to impress you,
To show you how much I've grown.
I attempt to seduce you,
You don't take the bait,
You're a confident guy
With shy boy qualities,
Talking to girls isn't your forte'
Even if you knew,
And even if you felt the same way,
I doubt you would have acted on an impulse.
My mind dares me to,
To reach out and grab you,
But I never do.
I think about it first,
I write about it some more,
And by the time I've made up my mind,
The opportunity has vanished,
I've missed my final chance
And I am left with regret
And a novel on human stupidity and hearts neglect.
I don’t want to get over you.
I didn't think I would have to.
I was comfortable contemplating that you and me could be
More than friends,
More than childhood buddies.
Guess I'm just a dreamer
Who dreamed a little too big,
Who dreamed so much that she wished a wish would come true,
That my Cinderella fairytale
Was bound to materialise in the from of love between me and you.
Alas, I appear to be the ugly step-sister
Who doesn’t get a wish,
Who is always an after thought,
And never deemed beautiful enough to be held in high regard,
Because he expects perfection,
When I am frail and scarred.
I will sit home alone,
Reading books and writing poems,
Sobbing to songs about heartbreak and rejection,
Listen to Sam Smith on repeat,
As I stare at the ground and never lift my eyes from my feet,
Jealous of his girlfriend who owns his love and affection,
Never being a main character,
But a lowly metaphor of depression.
He's too selfish to be in a relationship
But not selfish enough for her,
He told me he'd been 'friendzoned' too much
For her, he'll make an exception
For her, he'll do anything
For her, means, not me.
You have a beautiful name,
A gift given on your first day,
So beautiful that I thought I would name my son after you,
I will have to forgive you first
Before I consider the idea again.
The pictures of us,
Cheek pressed against cheek,
Arm in arm,
Laughter and joy,
Captured on screen;
I do not wish to see them,
To see our smiling faces.
I hide the picture frames in the back of my closet,
Where I will not look at them in a long while.
The social media profiles taunting me;
I must take photos with other friends,
To prove I can have a good time without you,
To show you I can have a life without you in it,
Even if it feels like a lie.
I won't initiate contact first,
I wonder if you ever will.
I'm always first to start conversations,
And I ponder if you have the determination and the skill
To still talk to me,
To make me laugh,
To make me forget every bad thing that's ever happened,
To make me remember the innocence I once possessed,
To reminisce over the mischief of our shared youth.
You may try
At some point in the future,
To bring laughter to my soul,
By that time I hope to have forgiven you,
And we can begin to act normal
Around each other,
And I won't have this feeling of being left
With a dark, empty black hole
In my chest.
A Letter To Him
We're going to be all right,
We're going to be OK,
I might not be with you,
But in the end I know I'll find love in my own way,
Whether that is with you,
Or someone else,
For today, I am fine.
We are fine.
And it was like I was 11 and you were 12
In the playground
Falling over and laughing at ourselves.
You'll learn from her,
She will teach you lessons
And one day she'll look back and realise
That she got to kiss and love the most wonderful man.
One day I will look back and know
That I had the treasure of spending my youth with the most precious human on the planet.
I will always love you
And in your own way,
I hope you know that.
I will always love you,
But I am also free to love others.
I will always love you,
But I also love me too, so I will choice happiness for myself,
Even if that means choosing someone else.
This is what I would say to you, if I thought I could.
The Gift of Love and Knowledge (I forgive you now)
That at the end of your life
You are asked two questions;
“How much did you learn?”
“How much did you love?”
I think of these questions
As I lay, snuggled, tucked up in bed,
Assured in the warmth that the day I have to answer
Is quite far off yet.
Yet, I know that I have to start forming my reply now,
I cannot cram a lifetimes worth of good deeds
On the eve of my death;
To be granted permission, to enter without hesitation.
So I think,
Of how much hate
I have sent the happy couple.
I admit fully to my jealousy,
I admit freely to my anger,
That it was her he chose.
But in the heightened moments of conciseness,
Usually just as I wake,
Before I have been tainted by the day,
I can be honest and truthful and look at my life
Through the view of Angel Eyes,
Love them as t
and for who they are
and your day of love will come,
I hear loud and clear.
I inhale deeply
And exhale freely
Now that I have come to this conclusion;
My body and mind is not a vessel
in which hate should be stored;
my body, mind and soul
is a carrier of love
to send, to gift, to spread, to share
all the loveliness that I can behold.
Here's To You
Here's to you
My gorgeous friend,
We're not meant to be lovers,
But friends till the end.
For that, I am OK,
For that, I am satisfied,
That I get to call you,
No matter the time.
In our own special way,
You'll always be mine.
My adolescent memories
Are made up from thoughts of you,
The stupid things we did
Like pushing trolley carts into pools,
Running away from school,
Pretending to be army men and pelicans in the middle of the night
As we dodged each flicker when we'd play Spotlight.
My recollections of simpler days
Will never be tainted
By the winds of change.
You're in love
I'm in lust,
And that is the way its meant to be.
You might not be my sweetheart,
But I'll always have your company,
You might not be here right now,
Or every time I need you,
But we'll always have a beautiful history.
Reflections from the author
As I reflect back on these poems, I feel no attachment or hurt any more. It is a wonderful thing to forgive and be free. Too often I jump at the chance of love, and usually end up heartbroken, and that's OK. I would prefer to give my heart away than kept it locked up. Love is precious and illuminating and I will always choose to love someone than not, however misguided. From this experience I have since gone on to be more fearless, confident and playful when it comes to the world of love and romance. Before writing this, the prospect would have scared me, now I feel bold and ready and open.
About The Author
Olivia Antonio is born and raised in Auckland, New Zealand where she lives with her family and day dreams of becoming a famous author, actress and world class baker. Having been inspired by the words of Anne Frank, Olivia immediately took up journaling, which soon blossomed into a love for creative writing and poetry.