“I am so sorry about your dad. I had no idea. It’s good the three of you are here. I miss my family very much.”

  But she was afraid to go home. Fuck Jameson.

  “He doesn’t talk about it. Hell, he doesn’t talk about anything personal. Honestly, if my mother hadn’t blurted out his condition with tears in her eyes, I honestly don’t think he would have admitted his illness.” I stopped talking. I never allowed anyone to know my business, but here I was with diarrhea of the mouth.

  But she was so easy to talk to and I could tell by the look in her eyes, the way she held her mouth how intensely sad she was here for me and my entire family. People she didn’t even know. Fuck. I needed to try to stay away from her. It was that simple. I would drag her through quicksand instead of mud as Jameson had done. I couldn’t do that to her. I might not have a conscience, but I refused to be an asshole to someone so… damn good.

  Yet I couldn’t. It was just too late.

  I would do everything in my life to protect her.

  Even from me.

  “Do you want to talk about it?” she asked in her sweet, kind voice. She could be such a heavy hitter, but her softer side drew me in like flies to honey.

  Damn it.

  “I just did,” I stated, my tone completely changing. Again. “I’ll take your things to the guest room in a little while. My guess is you wouldn’t mind a drink and God knows I need one.” I started to storm from the room and she laughed. I knew the sound. She was already disgusted with me.

  “No, I wouldn’t mind a goddamn drink because the man who rescued and protected me is being an asshole. Again. I’m not sure what I did to deserve his stupid behavior or utter hatred, but I guess I’ll just get used to it. Lights on. Lights off. Cold. Hot. Steamy. I just wish that man, who I actually kind of like when he’s not being an asshole, would figure out the man he wants to be.” She allowed the words to hang in the room and I did nothing but stand there like a fucking statue.

  Like always.

  “Are you sure you want me to be here?” she demanded.

  “Don’t question my decisions, sweetheart,” I said just as bitterly. “When I decide something, it’s final. I’ll get some goddamn drinks.” I was more forceful in my words than usual, more for her benefit. Maybe it was my way of trying to drive her out of my mind.

  It wasn’t working.

  I placed the bags by the stairs, shocked I didn’t toss them there instead. She was the single person who could regularly get under my skin, crawling into my entire system.

  She was mumbling under her breath, likely cursing the day she met me. I couldn’t blame her and usually I would say I didn’t give a shit. Another fucking lie. I was good at that. I had a difficult time moving, starting up the stairs instead. The house was way too much for me. I couldn’t care less. Shit. I didn’t even know what I cared about any longer.

  I’d taken the room at the end of the hall, but had only been in there a few hours combined. I hadn’t unpacked, grabbing what I’d needed prior to taking a shower. In my mind, she would be too close even with a long hallway between us. Next, I’d be locking my bedroom door. At least the thought brought some levity to the moment.

  The last three nights I’d had maybe five hours of sleep combined. I’d searched and used up a couple of favors in trying to locate Boris. If he was planning his revenge, he was laying low, which was in his best interest. He was considered Russia’s most notorious criminal and from what I’d been told, there was a no-holds-barred attempt to recapture him.

  If that happened, he would be put to death.

  Unless I got to him first.

  My instincts were usually spot on. I was certain they were at this point.

  She was huffing behind me. I honestly doubted she understood her ex was only part of the reason she was in danger. I also suspected the jerk who’d gotten away from the mountain wasn’t too happy with what had occurred. Neither were the people he was working for. In my experience, that usually meant retaliation. At least being on my own turf, I could protect her.

  “Why the animosity between you and your brothers?” she spit out. Her anger wasn’t going to leave so quickly.

  I thought about her question and shook my head. She deserved a decent answer if nothing else. I couldn’t give her anything else at this point. “I don’t honestly know. We always competed. Our father pushed us to do so. Plus, my brothers are just like me in attitude and demeanor.”

  “Great. There are three of you in the world. Fabulous.”

  It was my turn to issue a deep breath, hating myself for the tension I’d created.

  “I’m sorry, Shephard. You saved my life twice and here I am being nasty to you. I don’t know what you went through, although I might be able to make a pretty educated guess. I’m just saddened that it’s turned you into such a broken man incapable of sharing your feelings. Wants. Needs. You only allow the most primal ones to float to the surface and only when you say so. Yeah, I am damaged to a point and ashamed for falling for Jameson’s bullshit, but I won’t lose myself completely because of one asshole. So, I’m sorry. What I said wasn’t fair.”

  “You don’t have anything to be sorry about, sweetheart.”

  “Don’t call me your fucking sweetheart unless you mean it!” Her voice had raised enough Pepper reacted. I heard the dog’s tail thumping, but I also sensed her disapproval. “Finish what you were saying. Be truthful to yourself if you can’t to me. Why don’t you get along with your brothers?”

  “Maybe because we’re too much alike. I also think maybe because all three of us entered the military in different branches. Our father encouraged us to do that. Be all that you can be. The truth is, I haven’t thought about it over the last few years.”

  “Because you didn’t want to see them or just didn’t care about anyone but yourself?”

  I finally swung around to face her. “Care? Why should I care about a man who was trained to become a goddamn killer without feelings or remorse? Why should I ever give a second thought to a man who didn’t fear taking the lives of family members if that’s what it took to complete a mission? Why should I give a flying fuck about a robot who performed like some freaking seal when called upon? Sure, I’m a rich man because of it and I was convinced at one point I was ridding the world of the worst roaches and snakes on earth. But I don’t know any longer if what I did mattered to the world or to anyone.”

  My outburst hung in the air like a noose ready to snap around my neck.

  Her entire face fell at the same time that her eyes opened wide. “Of course you cared. You did what you thought was right. You want to know why? Because deep inside you’re a very good man with a heart. And a soul. I’ve seen it. Don’t forget. Never forget the man your mother raised you to be.”

  God, how I wanted to react in a way that would matter to her. Yet I knew deep inside wanting her would never be enough. I had nothing else to give her. “That’s where you’re wrong.”

  Sighing, she looked away briefly.

  “Families always have issues, Shephard. I didn’t get along with my sister when I was growing up, but we’re close now and I don’t know why I wasted so much time. You need to bury the hatchet with them. Your father wants you to connect and be strong together. Take that as a gift from him.”

  “You don’t know my father. Major fucking asshole.”

  “No, but I assume he’s a proud man who finds it difficult to convey emotions. Don’t be him.”

  “You’re right about him and his inabilities, but so what?”

  “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. That is just so very sad to me. I see a light inside, but it’s not going to be there for long.”

  “There is no light, Denise, just extreme darkness. You might be right, but it’s too late for me.”

  “It’s never too late. Never. My father was the same, but as he got older, he’s become very emotional. I finally asked my mother why. She said it was because he’s realized he wasted so many amazing years and experiences. Don’t do that to yourself, Shephard. You might not believe this, but you’ll regret not showing your feelings more than anything in your life as you get older.”

  It was impossible not to listen to her melodic voice. She had a way about her that could charm the pants off a leprechaun. At least the goofball thought jerked away some of the anger. “I’ll take your word for it.”

  “So hardheaded. So tough. So powerful.”

  I wasn’t entirely certain she was giving me a compliment.

  She jerked up, grabbing her laptop case. “You wanted to see what I had on Jameson? I’ll show you.” The tension was worse than before, even Pepper noticing, the pup whining every few seconds.

  As she fired up her laptop, I moved closer. Yes, I was curious and eager. My mind was working overtime.

  The way she pressed her fingers against the keys indicated her frustration. When she brought up a file, she twisted her head. “The Reynolds family is involved in various illegal operations. I overhead a single phone call Jameson made the mistake of taking while I was in the house. At that point, I’d already planned on leaving the son of a bitch. I waited another two weeks, finding an opportunity to be alone with his prized laptop that was almost never out of his possession. This is what I found.”

  She shoved the laptop slightly away, staring at the fireplace as I walked closer, sitting down yet keeping my distance. I shifted through the files she’d captured, surprised at what Jameson had been stupid enough to keep in print.

  “He should be brought down,” I told her.

  “You and what army are going to help that happen? He’s too powerful.”

  “No one is that powerful.”

  “Why do I have the feeling you know more about the recent murders than you’re telling me?” She still refused to look in my direction.

  “I just got here.”

  “Right. Remember you wanted me to trust you? This would be a damn good way of helping me do that.”

  What was I supposed to say? In my mind, sharing anything would place her in extreme danger. If the Butcher was behind the killings, he would use my weakness. Her. He hadn’t been able to do that before. “I don’t know shit.”

  “Fine. Have it your way.”

  Disgusted and out of words or energy, I moved into the kitchen. I’d left mail and other shit on the table and was ready to toss it to the floor in a fit of anger. I paced the floor, trying to get her out of my system before it was too late. As I raked my hands through my hair, my mind went to all those filthy places and things I wanted to do to her. What the hell was wrong with me?

  The best thing for her life and mine was to walk away.

  CHAPTER 22

  Shephard

  Impossible situation.

  Impossible decisions.

  As my father would say, ‘you’re in too deep, boy.’ Fuck. Maybe he was right. I waited as long as I could, doing my best to control my anger, the only emotion I had. I wasn’t upset with her. Just circumstances and fate bringing me here. I should be alone, kept away from the entire world. She was determined to learn that the hard way.

  I couldn’t allow that to happen.

  But I wanted her more than I’d ever wanted anything in my entire life. What in the fuck was I going to do? I almost laughed as I grabbed the bottle of whiskey and two glasses, forgoing the ice. Killing was the only way to calm me down.

  I’d committed to protecting her and that’s what I planned on doing.

  What she had on Jameson was more than just a ticking time bomb as everything else seemed to be. If he truly suspected she had the information, he would stop at nothing to prevent her from using it. Why after months of her living here had Jameson made an appearance?

  In my mind, he’d been tipped off. Even if the person had only suspected she had possible evidence, his arrival would possibly prevent me from seeing what was really going on.

  Or maybe I was simply creating conspiracy theories.

  I brought the bottle of liquor with me, surprised to see she was attempting to start a fire.

  She seemed embarrassed when she realized I was watching. “I hope you don’t mind. It’s a little chilly and I forgot my coat.”

  “Make yourself at home. I haven’t.”

  “Why? You have a beautiful place. It’s gorgeous.”

  I placed the drinks on the table, moving toward the fireplace. “Other than the time spent at my parents’ house, I haven’t stayed at one place long enough to make it feel like mine. I don’t need much and this place is… Well, it’s a bit overwhelming.”

  “You just need a few feminine touches. That will help.”

  She laughed softly as she continued building the fire and I couldn’t stand to see her doing it all by herself. I crouched down, taking the piece of wood from her hands.

  “I’m really not helpless.”

  “I never said you were, Denise. You’re a strong beautiful woman who was handed some shit. Don’t allow that bastard to take everything you’ve worked for away from you.”

  “Said by someone who is doing the same thing. You’re lived a hard life. That much I get.”

  I waited until flames licked up over the logs before returning to the couch. “I lived the life I chose.”

  “Are you certain it wasn’t the life someone else chose for you? Your father? You already said he pushed his sons.”

  “You’re playing psychiatrist again, sweetheart. What you see is what you get.”

  “Then I see an amazing man who refused to accept anyone in his life. Friend. Lover. Relationship. Family. The reason is simple. You’re afraid of losing them. The military can do that to you. I know that. I witnessed my share of horrible deaths that I could allow to haunt me to this day, but I can’t let that rule my life.”

  I picked up my drink, needing a few seconds before I could possibly answer her. No one had summed it up so succinctly. “Yeah, my father wanted his kids to go into the military. I doubted he would have accepted anything less, but I became a disappointment to him.”

  “Because you disappeared while working deep undercover with some government organization removing or eliminating the darkest and most heinous monsters from this earth. Right?”

  She was studying me with the same scrutiny I’d done with her. “Don’t ask questions that I can’t answer.”

  “You’re out of the organization. You’re free. You’re here. You have a chance to live your life the way you want. Make amends. Have kids. Purchase a home. And I’m not asking for anything from you. You made it perfectly clear you don’t need anyone else in your life.”

  Just looking at her was enough to pull at my heart strings. If I had any. She didn’t know me as well as she thought she did.

  But she knew enough becoming any further involved with me could hurt her. And that was the last thing I wanted to have occur.

  She seemed mesmerized by the fire, constantly petting Pepper as she stared at the flames.

  “Do you like it here in Danger Falls?” I wasn’t even certain why I was bothering with small talk.

  “Yes, I do. Maybe my soul needed cleansing and this is certainly the place to help do that.”

  “But you left a life you loved because of Jameson.” I finally sat down on one of the leather chairs.

  She nodded, her hand shaking as she took a sip of her drink. “Because I had no other choice. I adored what I did. But it was funny. When I accepted the position, which didn’t come easily, I knew I’d need to prove myself. I think I did that, but it took a couple years. Other detectives didn’t trust me. I came from a small operation in Maine, which I’m sure you already know. Murders were rare and even major crimes were once in a blue moon. But I proved them wrong.”

  I hated to hear her laugh so bitterly.

  “You don’t need to prove yourself to anyone, Denise. You’re good at what you do. You have a handle on this case.”

  “Yeah, well, I couldn’t locate the town’s murderer. The FBI refused to allow my involvement. Handle or no handle, it doesn’t matter. Unless you know something.” She would continue to push me.

  “And you’re ignoring that command. You’re placing yourself smack in the middle of danger.”

  Her wry smile was confirmation. At least she turned her head toward me, her eyes sparkling for the first time that night. When she pulled a small jump drive from a pocket in her jean skirt, I shook my head. “So what? The Feds are covering this up. They know the killer. I feel it.”

  That was possible and if they’d reached out to anyone about it, their operation would have been shut down. That’s how powerful the organization I’d worked for truly was. I’d come to terms with realizing I’d been nothing more than a puppet. But she was still way in over her head.

  “You’re playing with fire,” I told her.

  “There is no other way to live. Something is off about the victims and the way they were killed. It seemed ritualistic or maybe a threat to someone. I’ve seen a significant number of murders in my career and to not be able to identify the victims is a clear indication I’m right.”

  “What’s on the drive? Have you had a chance to look it over?” I was more than eager to get my hands on it.

  “Not yet, but it’s from the coroner, the woman you saw at the bar tonight. She insisted we meet and said there was something I needed to see. She wouldn’t tell me what it was. But you were right about the paralyzing drug.”

  I took a deep breath.

  She studied my reaction, a slight smirk remaining on her face. “Maggie is never bothered by anything or anyone, but I could swear she was afraid of sharing the information with me. From what she said, there are some discrepancies with the injuries. She wanted me to see the results.”

  “You could get fired. You both could. Does that matter?”

  She nursed her drink for a few minutes and I let her be. After she poured another round, I sat back in my chair. She was a tough one alright, almost as much as I was. “Not in the least. I know I could get fired, but as my mama always told me, nothing worth having comes without issues and Maggie won’t back down to anyone, male or female or bear.”