“Are you okay?” she asked and there was surprisingly enough concern in her voice for the both of us.

  I opened my mouth to laugh it off when two things happened. Beads of sweat rolled down my face, the back of my neck and the insides of my thighs. And worse, I could hear my father’s laugh, the one he’d used when any of the three of us had begged for mercy.

  “Mercy, boy? There’s no such thing as mercy in this world. The sooner the three of you learn that the better. And I’m here to help. Pain will provide the reminder you need.”

  I could almost feel the brutal zap as the prod was driven into my skin. There were days he enjoyed taking shifts from one to the other of us. But the ones I hated the worst were when Easton was picked on. The single time I’d broken free of the mental tether of terror my father had over me, screaming at the bastard not to hurt my baby brother, was also the last time I’d attempted to do anything that stupid.

  I’d been beaten into unconsciousness.

  “Hey. Come back to me. Creed. It’s okay. You’re okay. I’m right here.”

  Through a fog that I hadn’t experienced in years, I heard the lilting sound of her voice. In the strangeness of the next minute or so, the gamut of emotions I felt strongly resembled the obliterating mass of ruin, as Easton had called it seconds before we’d tossed our father into the very woods where dozens of bodies had been buried because of his sick mind and penchant for blood.

  I fisted my hand, lifting my arm and the moment she flinched, the not-so-subtle reminder I was a fucking animal rushed into my mind. I backed away instantly, coming close to spinning out of control. I hadn’t done that in years. Fucking years. What in the hell was wrong with me?

  The moment I turned around rigidly, I heard a rustle and almost screamed at her. “Don’t Just… don’t.” Get fucking control. Get out. Walk. Breathe.

  All the mantras I’d used when suffering all those years ago weren’t working. I was a fucking madman like she’d accused me of being. I took lumbering strides to the door, snatching my clothes and shoes along the way. I was infuriated at myself when I heard the sound of her fright in every breath she took.

  Jesus Christ. She had every right to be afraid of me. I could hurt her. Fuck me. Fuck… I took a series of ragged breaths, the sound of my father’s laughter finally abating.

  “Just get… some rest.” I was shocked how ridiculous my voice sounded.

  “What are you doing?”

  “Business. Air. I’ll be back. Do not leave this room. Do not push me, Bella. I can’t handle it right now.”

  With that, I walked out the bedroom door, closing it behind me with a hard thud.

  And another small part of my mind and my soul disappeared into the black hole he had created. He’d always told us he was omnipotent, always the top dog.

  I’d laughed then.

  Now?

  After throwing on my clothes, I headed downstairs for the suite’s entrance, tossing the door open with enough force Kane jumped.

  “What the fuck, boss?” He pressed his hand over his heart, narrowing his eyes from the sight of me. “You don’t look so hot. Did something happen?”

  I finally palmed my face, wiping sweat away, the clammy feeling remaining. “A memory.”

  “Ah, shit. What can I do?”

  “Tell me you fucking found Armand Marcello. I need to spill some blood.”

  “I think someone beat you to it, boss.”

  “What the hell does that mean? I’m not in the mood for goddamn riddles.” Shit. I didn’t have my other crutch here, my fucking punching bag.

  Kane threw his hand out as if I was going to punch him. “Sorry, boss. I just meant the man isn’t there, at least not in the quick sweep Mark and Christen did. Both were too fucking nervous the cops were going to arrive at any minute.”

  “Why?” My throat was tight, as if I was that young man before, doing anything I could not to issue a single sound for fear of being beaten for a second or third time.

  “The place was tore up bad. Plus, a fuck load of blood too.”

  I snorted. “Maybe he went out to celebrate a recent kill.”

  “That ain’t like him, at least not from what I learned about the man. He was called Mr. Clean because of the way he’d killed in the past. I don’t see it changing.”

  “Yeah, well, prison can change a man.” So could nightmares.

  “Not to contradict you, boss, but I have a sense something happened to the man, maybe an old enemy settling a score. Rumors on the street speak to the fact the Irish mob, the Bratva, and hell, the Mexicans aren’t too happy he’s back in town. I heard he made waves.”

  More beads of sweat rolled down the back of my neck and I swatted at them like a fly. “Fuck. This shit is getting out of hand. Put out word to the informants I want information. Stat. Do you get me?”

  “I heard you, boss.”

  He continued staring at me and I was ready to snap his neck. “What?”

  “I mean no disrespect, boss, but you’re as close to the edge as I’ve seen you in a long time.”

  “Yeah, well, I need to fucking hunt.”

  “Maybe but you can’t do that right now. Maybe go find a guy or talk to your brother. He used to be able to pull you from the rafters. You need to stay in control.”

  I was as unhinged as my Capo thought I was. I had my hand wrapped around his throat in seconds, the thickness of the adrenaline running through my veins so powerful, I managed to lift him off his feet.

  Kane had seen me this bad twice before, the first time resulting in needing to redecorate my home. The second had only been squelched by a hunt. But that had been years before. Maybe my conscience was working overtime, the worry about what I could do to the woman I already adored weighing heavily on my mind. I squeezed until I heard him wheeze, dropping like a rock seconds later.

  I wasn’t the kind of man to feel bad or apologize to anyone. But at that moment, I felt like shit. I turned around facing the door just as I’d done with Bella. I raked my hand through my hair before fisting both. “I’m going out, Kane. By myself. I need you to protect Bella with your life if necessary. She’s very special to me. I don’t think she’ll try and escape but make sure she doesn’t. Understand?”

  His strangled sound was just another reminder I wasn’t always good at being in control of the demons. “Absolutely, boss.”

  I headed back into the suite, listening for any signs Bella had even left the room. I heard nothing but the rapid thudding of my pulse in my ears. I buttoned my shirt, trying to make myself presentable, snatching my jacket off the arm of the couch. I checked to ensure my weapon, phone, and key card were inside before heading out.

  Kane was right.

  Control was vital at this point.

  If I couldn’t achieve it, more people would die.

  As I walked down the hallway, I centered my thoughts on my sweet Bella. She deserved better. She deserved the world. Maybe that’s what I would give her.

  Before disappearing from her life.

  I could hear my father’s laughter all over again. He was close to winning as he always had. And I hated myself because of it.

  CHAPTER 23

  Creed

  Tick-tock.

  Tick. Tock.

  From somewhere in the bar, I could hear what sounded like an old grandfather clock ticking down time. It was a perfect representation of the moments when I felt as if I was spiraling out of control. I powered back a gulp, the strains of some shitty elevator music assaulting my senses. I’d thought about finding a twenty-four-hour gym, working off some of the rage. Instead, I was sucking down booze as if it was going out of style.

  It was the only open bar in the Conrad, and I hadn’t wanted to cruise the streets of New York at this time of night. Mainly because I still had the feeling our lives were in danger. It was odd, something I’d never been concerned with before. Maybe that’s because I’d always believed somewhere inside the back of my mind that I deserved to die for my sins. A laugh caught in my throat. Yeah, that was a truthful admittance

  I rarely second guessed myself but tonight was an entirely different story. I’d allowed memories and indoctrination to come closing to ruining what I had to admit was the best evening I’d had in years.

  What if she fucking hated me after this?

  So what are you going to do?

  “Like I know.” My conscience had stopped pestering me a long time ago. To hear the dark voice inside my head tonight meant I’d gone too far. I finished off the glass, shoving it aside. The bartender didn’t need to walk very far. A simple nod of my head indicating another was all that was needed.

  I pulled out my phone, calling Easton. At least my brother had sleeping issues like I did.

  “I thought you were in New York,” he growled, which was strange for him.

  “There’s too fucking much going on. What about Carlos? What the hell is he up to?”

  “He’s had some issues, which needless to say he hasn’t wanted to mention to anyone.”

  “What do you mean issues?”

  Easton scoffed. “Two shipments, including diamonds, exploded out at sea. Now, this could be a rumor but it seems as if he’s nervous about doing business with anyone, not just us. It would appear a full-scale war is about to break out in his country, at least four cartels vying for top dog.”

  “Hence his need for weapons,” I said under my breath.

  “Yeah. He’s laying low. That much I do know for certain.”

  “Then he was reaching out for help.” That was strange by any crime syndicate’s standards but if the war was inside his own country, he likely felt as if he had no choice.

  “That’s what it would appear.”

  “Have some men keep an ear to the ground there. I don’t want any surprises.”

  “Neither do your two brothers. Remember, we’re a damn family.”

  “Now, you remember that.” While we both laughed, only when push came to shove we did operate as a family. A fucked-up family, but one nonetheless. “Call me if you hear anything.”

  “Will do.”

  I held the phone to my head, debating what I was about to do. It would seem my goddamn behavior was not only questionable but also predictable. Before I had a chance to dial my other brother’s phone, his number flashed across the screen.

  A moment of anger rushed in just before I answered. “Kane called you.”

  “Why would you think that?” Styx asked, his voice sleepy.

  “Because you’re not a fucking mind reader.”

  “Yeah, well, you might be surprised. But this time, you’re right. What the fuck is going on? I thought Bella was your salvation.”

  “She is. But she’s also suddenly awakened my conscience.”

  “Which allowed the nightmares to return.”

  “That wouldn’t be so bad if they weren’t occurring in the daytime.”

  “You can’t let the ghost of our father win.”

  I laughed and glanced around the nearly empty bar. “Too late. The bastard has been dead for years and his damned spirit is haunting us. And don’t say you haven’t felt that way.”

  “I wasn’t planning on it. You know how long it took me to find some sense of normalcy.”

  Another chuckle surfaced, only darker than before. “Maybe so, but only after you massacred like a thousand people.”

  He scoffed. My brother had left his fought-for job as a surgeon to become an assassin, a damn good one at that. It had been when his demons had taken almost every ounce of his humanity. I’d been thrilled at the time, hoping my brother would fall flat on his face. While we’d been rivals at that point, even after he’d served up the position as Don of the empire we continued to build, I’d hated him.

  I’d loathed that he’d gotten away from our father’s stranglehold after his death. I’d thought about how I could destroy him so many times I’d lost count. But when I’d almost fallen into the depths of despair, I’d remembered how many times he’d saved me from surrendering to the pain.

  And madness.

  However, I’d remained jealous he’d found the perfect woman, still feeling the same right now.

  “You know better, brother.” He was rarely insulted by anything I had to say. He knew how I was, forgiving my sins so many times I’d lost count of that as well. “I need to ask you a question.”

  “Why the fuck not?”

  “Do you care about Bella?”

  I sat back in my seat, waiting as the bartender placed the drink in front of me, pointing to his watch in an indication it was last call. Only when he walked away did I answer. “Yeah, more than I thought possible. I know what you’re going to say. It’s crazy to think that way after a couple days, but I know what I feel.”

  “It’s not crazy, brother. It’s real and I know the feeling well, like a fucking freight train just ran over your ass. But I’m going to give you a piece of advice. No matter how tough she is, how accepting she might be of your demons, your anger and your inability to communicate past basic grunting sounds, she’s still fragile. I’m not just talking about her body, bro. I’m also talking about her heart. Like Emily. I captured her, just like you did. I used her, just like I suspect you’re doing. And I wanted to break her to make her mine always.”

  “Didn’t she break you in the end?” I tried to tease.

  He tried to laugh but I knew he was still concerned about me. “No, she healed me. I think that’s what you’ve wanted all along. What our father did was atrocious. The profession you insisted on carrying on after his death made it impossible for you to walk away completely from the trauma.”

  When I started to interrupt him, he tutted at me, which made me smile.

  “I’m not finished yet. You’ve been right that in my mind I’ve been itching for a hunt because it seems natural, it’s in our blood. You and I can stand behind our beliefs that the men we’ve hunted all deserved to die, and maybe they did. I have no remorse for those I was hired to kill because I set my level of integrity in stone and refused to step outside those lines. You need to create rules for yourself so you can concentrate on the healing process.”

  “That’s tough, brother, when Armand Marcello might be Bella’s father, although I can’t hunt him down. And when we were almost killed by some unknown party. Or maybe because I suspect Frederico’s son is in the process of betraying him, which means we might have shit on our parade before we can sign with the powers that be at the Pentagon. So you see, my nerves are just a bit on edge.”

  Exhaling, he’d usually call me stubborn at this point. “You don’t need me to tell you what to do, Creed. You’re a highly intelligent man, perhaps more so than either Easton or myself. However, you’re so entrenched in the past that you’re flailing in hopes of finding that salvation before it’s too late. Talk to Frederico. Tell Bella about her father. Hell, tell her about our father and why you bear horrific scars on your back.”

  “You told Emily?”

  “Yeah. I did. I also told her I was an assassin.”

  “And she accepted it?” He’d told me only some about how they’d ended up together on a permanent basis. Then again, I hadn’t asked but the jealous beast would have reared his ugly head all over again.

  “Not at first. She ran like she should have but when she realized I wanted to be a better man for her and proved that I wasn’t just spouting off shit, she learned to accept that my past was just that. My past.”

  “A better man. I’m afraid the Saint children will always resort back to what we know best.”

  “Not necessarily, Creed. That’s a choice only you can make for yourself. I’m not saying it’s easy. I’m not saying there won’t be flashbacks because I feel them. Hell, I feel the hunger to chase like an animal, to kill like a beast, but I refrain from doing so because I have everything I’ve ever wanted.”

  He was one lucky son of a bitch.

  “And stop worrying. We will find the person responsible for the attack. You know that. But most of all, either you’re fully in or completely out with regard to Bella. Love isn’t easy but it’s worth it. There can be no middle ground for either of you. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

  “Who said anything about love?”

  “Well, let’s see. Because you took the private jet to New York to impress her with dinner at the most expensive restaurant in town, tickets to her favorite ballet, and a suite that cost over five thousand a night. I’d say that’s why.”

  “I’m going to kill Kane.”

  “From what I heard, you almost did.”

  I thought about his words and the frankness to them. “Yeah, I get what you’re saying.”

  “I hope so. Maybe you were right in that she was sent to you for a purpose but don’t make her a martyr or yourself one for that matter. That’s about all the brotherly advice I can give you. Take it or leave it.”

  “I appreciate it, brother.”

  “I almost think you mean that.”

  Another laugh popped up from my throat. “Maybe I do. Tell Emily hello for me.”

  “I’m here if you need me, bro.”

  “I know.”

  “Two last things. Given what’s going on and the attempted hit on your life, I told Travis we’re not accepting any additional clients.”

  Exhaling, I knew it was for the best. “Agreed. What else?”

  “You’re not going to like this but it’s time. Do something different with the hunting grounds. None of us need the reminder that we’re barely human.”

  Barely human. He’d hit the nail on the head. He was also right that if I wanted to be with Bella, there could be no secrets between us. None. However, how did you tell the best person you’d ever met that you were the devil incarnate?

  And oddly enough, I really did want to be with her. How strange that after all these years all I could think about was wanting to have a close family. I shook my head and pulled out my wallet, tossing two hundreds on the bar’s surface.